A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When she deleted you and you went no contact, how long would you wait to contact her again? We were friends before and I somehow hate the thought of losing her totally....( I made a terrible mistake. I talked to her sister about it and I might have told her some things that I should have kept inside myself....I think she might hate me now)Any ideas? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): Her failure to respond up to know is an indication that she isn't ready yet. When she does, you'll have the opportunity to offer a sincere apology; and she'll be more receptive to it.
If you mail your apology prematurely, and she isn't ready. It will make less of an impact. Right now, you just have to suffer a little; which gives her some satisfaction for whatever deed brought things to this point.
The longer you don't hear from her, the more immune she is to an apology. That's how women can be sometimes. Your suffering is more important than your apology. "I'm sorry" is not always enough. Sometimes you have to pay for what you've done. You may have to lose something.
Forgiveness comes only when the forgiver has had time to get over their suffering. So forgive yourself, and remember what you did; so it will never again be repeated.
You now know the consequences.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk now I see. There is a typing mistake in my first text. I am not an native speaker of english. What I wanted to write there was:" When she rejected you...."
She did not deleted me, actually just said to me that she would contact me.
That was before her sister had the talk with her and the reason why she hasn´t made any contact yet is the result of the conversation she and her sister had, I assume.
Truly it does not change the situation and what I did. And no I won´t push her and I gonna take the fact she hasn´t made any contact as for what it is: She dont want to!
Still hoping that she can forgive me for what I`ve did and open up to receive an apology.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): There is no misunderstanding here.
I quote:
"When she deleted you..."
That means she attempted no contact first. Then continue no contact. She said she would, and didn't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think there is a misunderstanding here.
I went no contact! She mentioned that she would make contact.....it didn´t happend so far.
Maybe this is her way of telling me that she does not want to communicate with me anymore.
In general it is okay for me, cause I am still not over all that. I only got aware of my terrible, disrespectful behaviour by talking to her sister and realizing that I only have the wish to apologize...that´s all.
I will not force her, nor crushing her boundaries. I am just afraid that she never will talk to me again and that´s what currently feels so terrible for me. But if there is any chance, just to talk to each other again, she has to offer me the chance for an apology. I DO KNOW THAT!
Thanks for all your advices and writings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): You can persist and continue to attempt to reach her. Your point may not only be to make an apology. You insist on not being ignored. Is that the real problem here, sir? To break her silence? Penetrate any attempt to avoid your contact.
You can't force people to care that you're sorry. Her lack of contact means she doesn't want anything to do with you right now.
You have to accept that. Apparently you can't, or won't.
You don't seem to have respect for the boundary she has set. You must allow people to disassociate of their own choosing. Your letter may mean nothing at all to her. She may never open it; and she may just want you to leave her alone.
You can make apologies until the cows come home. You can't demand people to accept them. For now, no contact means she
she doesn't wish to hear from you, apologies or for any other reason. You're going on and on about this; because you intend to override her attempt to break up with you.
People come around in their own time.
If all she needed was an apology from you, she wouldn't have gone no contact.
It suspiciously appears that you're just not taking "no" for an answer. Tread carefully, for the sake of your own feelings; and to stay within the boundaries of the law. If a woman doesn't want a man to bother her, she can seek legal protection to make him leave her alone. Will she need to go that far?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not sure about another person already in her life. If, than just for a hook up thing, she needs that, but not emotionally, that´s what I am sure about.
I will let some more time pass and maybe write the letter. I hope that she will at least read it and I am not expecting her to reply, just want her to know how sorry I am.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): My friend, if she's now with someone else; then it is even more clear she has moved on. At this point, your regrets are better felt than spoken. Don't force her current boyfriend to intervene.
Move on, and find your own happiness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe it´s not that much the fact that we were not meant to be as a couple forever ( by the way she is ten years older than me and I do want to have family and kids...) it´s more for me like seing now that I might even lsot her as a friend, someone I know, someone that I´ve once shared very intimate things with....Shortly after she broke up with me I already had composed a letter for her, not for reconsider the break up, more to make her see how I felt for her..I didn´t sendt it, cause her sister gave me the information that anything from me wouldn´t be replied in a positive way from her...I know that she must have made some very intense and really hard experiences for a woman in her life so far. And by knowing this, my priority was just being a good man for her, showing that she deserves love and being treated very well....what I did was just the total opposite of what I intended to be for her, and it came all out of frustration and anger, about the fact being dumped.Right now a cannot bear all that, being angry at myself, missing her, seing her being allready happy again with someone else.....I´ve hurted her and by doing so in the long run I hurted me the same way, knowing that she now never wants to hear anything from me again...Thanks for all your replies and advices! I will follow them, cause I don´t want me to repeat a mistake again!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2014): I do caution letters when people go no-contact. She is presently in a bad state, and may not appreciate the fact you circumvented her attempt to end contact.
If she does contact you, it might be to give you a very nasty reply; or someone in her family may just intercept your correspondence, and send it back. How would you feel then?
She may need time to get her feelings in order. If the letter comes prematurely; it could truly piss her off.
Apologize when she is more likely to be receptive. Only she will know when that time has come.
Think about it! You're totally upset with someone and you've blocked your phone, deleted them from Facebook, and ignore their calls. There's this letter that almost implies: "you can't stop me from reaching you, if I really insist on it! I demand that you hear me out! Here's one you can't block!" The letter doesn't have to be opened. It's the principle of the fact, you literally "pushed the envelope."
Write the letter to yourself, and don't mail it. It will give you some solace in the meantime.
I'd say let her cool off, and reach you when she's ready.
Depending on what you've done, time heals.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (18 January 2014):
 Yeah, you shot yourself in the foot there. You needed to vent, but to her sister? Seriously?
You could do what Auntie Em suggest and SEND her a letter (through the post, you know old fashioned with an envelope & stamp) and apologize. If she accepts SHE can/will contact you. If she doesn't well, then learn from this and don't betray your partner/friends confidence again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto the last answer and in general:
She never spoke of No contact from her side, actually she said that she would call me...
When I talked to her sister I wasn´t aware of what that could cause in the end. Betraying our friendship. (her sister was almost as confuessed as I was about the breakup.. and I don´t even know why her sister was talking to her after the breakup and then sendt me the message that anything from me wouldn´t be positivly replied by my ex, maybe she didn´t told her everything, I don`t know…)
It was never my intention to having someone in between, and I did not asked her sister to talk to her again about the breakup...she did it on her own,I assume, cause she likes me and she had the opinion the my ex and I would fit perfectly togehter....
I do regret what I did,I DO NOT want to excuse my behaviour and from where I am now, over 7 weeks after the breakup, I truly wish I could make this undone.
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (18 January 2014):
 Don't hate yourself, you just made a mistake and the best you can do is learn from it.
Seems things were not right between you both and that is one of lifes lessons, how to identify who is not right for us and knowing when to quit if things are going bad.
However things end, most people feel some heartache and the loss of the relationship means the loss of friendship, company, intimacy and even someone to argue with.
I still think you should write the apology but maybe in a few days when you feel calmer and less annoyed with yourself, if she is really done with you she will never respond and you should not expect her to.
Losing is all part of life and you now know what NOT to do when you begin a new relationship in the future.
Don't mash yourself up!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2014): "NO CONTACT" means she doesn't want to hear from you. It's not about how soon can you violate her wishes. Leave her alone.
The worst thing you can do is go to her sister, of all people, and use her as a go-between to relate information you should have kept to yourself. Now she is humiliated and angry.
You need to move on and quit; when a lady lets you know she doesn't want to be bothered. Let her come to you; if and when, she is good and ready.
You're asking us how soon should you breakdown her wall of protection over her feelings? That's forcing your will on her, if she doesn't break her silence first.
You've come to the wrong place.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe moment I told her sister all this, I wasn´t aware of what this would cause and that she would feel betrayed by me....I was so frustrated about being dumped, but this doesn´t excuse my behaviour....I never made these points up to her and I could deal with her past somehow.Yeah I have to confess that I was mad about alot things that happend between us: ( she attacked me often verbaly, she gave me sometimes silent treatment, during a period when we´ve didn´t seen each other for a couple weeks, she had sex with someone else... I really loved her and I forgave her for all what happend, actually I came back to her when she begged me and I thought we could start all over again, but after 1 week she dumped me..)She is a very pride person and how she broke up was not in a very polite way.I was totally out of my mind and now I hate myself for what I´ve done....cause I really like her still..
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (18 January 2014):
 Not only did you betray her as a boyfriend, but you betrayed her friendship. If I had a friend who did this to me, I'd never want to speak to them again. I could never trust them ever again. What you did was stab her in the back.
As Aunty Em suggested, write her a sincere apology letter, and then leave her alone.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 January 2014):
Yeah, unloading all her intimate secrets to her sister was not the smart thing to do so no wonder she is ignoring you.
If you accept it's over but still want to apologise you could write her a letter letting her know you regret what you said.
You should probably stop going through her sister because the problem is between you two and involving other people can complicate things.
Sometimes someones sexual past can be hard to accept and that is the choice you make when you have a relationship with someone...either accept them and forget the past, or don't continue to date them if you cannot handle their past.
Staying with someone when you dont accept their past is a bad move, it cannot be continually broguht up in arguments or divulged to other people to give you advantage.
But you know all this...
Write the letter, say sorry and move on...xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo she dumped me. The same weekend her sister asked me about what happened between my, than, ex and me and I told her sister that it am confused and irritated.
Unfortunately I told her sister kind of our whole dating story( she wasn´t knowing it so far) and mentioned to her that some things my ex had made, like still having contact to f***buddies and that she has a very flirtitious attitude and that in my opinion, some of her so called friends just used and might still using her for hook ups, yeah she is very open sexually, that these things were really bothering me, so I kind of "vomited" it all out to her sister.
When I left my ex on sunday, she said to me that she would contact me....
this did not happend so far ( it´s now 1 and a half month ago) Only her sister texted me two days after the breakup and wrote that any message from me to my ex wouldn´t get a positive result for me. (her sister talked to my ex about the breakup and I am afraid that she might have told her all my dislikes towards my ex or the things that I do had a big problem with..)
So I am afraid now that my ex actually hates me. I know that we won´t get back together, it´s just a painful thought knowing that she might hate me now and for some reasons I do want to appologize, but she hasn´t made contact yet....
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 January 2014):
Depends what you said and when.
If you have really upset her then saying sorry might help, if she doesn't respond, at least you tried.
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