A
male
age
51-59,
*riftwood46
writes:Just a little background to begin.Married for 16 years,2 teenage kids,work and money have been a huge source of stress for the past year.My wife is often gone with one of my children out of town for sports most weekends for the past 2 years. over the past 9 months i noticed a change in her,started sleeping in separate beds,she had very little interest in me, spent a lot of time and money on self improvement(which is not a bad thing), always on her phone,and generally grumpy with me most of the time.About 6 months ago i noticed she wasnt wearing a wedding ring anymore and when quizzed she said it was because we dont get along good.When I asked if she had decided to split up with me she stated that she wasnt sure right now.Since then she has begun to dess more provocatively when she is gone from the house and spends some time in bars with friends when they are out of town.But covers up when shes at home around me. i did ask the question if there was someone else but was met with agression. Skip forwad a few months and i had begun what i had thought was innocently texting with another woman,she sent me a few R rated pics and this went on for about 2 months. We never met in person,just texted lots cause we seemed to have the same complaints.I seem to recall complaining about my wife a lot and she her husband.My wife for some reason checked the phone bills and noticed all the texts to one number and confronted me with a smile.She didnt cry at all.I came clean and appologized profusely and swore it was only over text but she immediately wanted me out of the house and said this was the end. I left and its been a week since. i have tried to talk her into forgiving me,letting me come home,but she is understandably not willing to listen to me. She will only talk about finances.IM devastated by my actions.I miss my wife and my kids so much.I know talking to another woman like i did was a breach of trust.What can I do to get her to forgive me and get past this. ANY advice would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2019): Hi,
I think you need to take more active control of the situation. Your ex is playing very dirty when she is no angel- hell she cheated first!What you did was minor in comparison!
It is always wrong to turn kids against one of their parents. That is what she is doing. It will have lifelong consequences for you and the kids if she succeeds.
In this case you need to protect yourself because your whole future relationship with your kids is at stake, and that is the most important thing.
You need to speak with the kids on your own, and explain that their mom had an affair a number of years ago which changed things in your relationship, and created insecurities that carried forward and created more problems. I normally wouldn't advise telling kids about the affair, but they have a right to know, especially since she has told them YOUR supposed dirt in the closet. So unfortunately they have to know both sides so that they can be aware that this wasn't just YOU screwing off and abandoning them. If you can't see them I would write them long emails. You can explain how much you love them and how sorry you are, and recognize the role in the marriage falling apart, but make sure you also explain that it is more complicated than this (and she cheated).
I would also get myself a lawyer to make sure I have access to the kids.
Your wife is NOT a good person, even though it seems like you genuinely love her. She pushed you away time after time, forced the end of the marriage, and now is turning your own kids against you.
By the way I am a female and I think her behaviour is despicable.
I had a friend who blamed her father for the end of the marriage for a long long time, and then many years later found out that the mom had cheated first. But by this point the father was so ingrained as the bad guy, she still had bad feelings towards him. You need to correct this sooner rather than later.
A
male
reader, driftwood46 +, writes (10 May 2019):
driftwood46 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. Sorry for the delayed response but work took me away from town.The reason I didnt mention her cheating before is that I had done my best to put that behind me.I could elaborate on what she did but I think at this point it doesn't matter.Bringing up those old memories puts me in a place I'd rather not go back to.I'm a big believer in the fact that everyone makes mistakes,and people can change.We are human after all. Sympathy isnt my motivation here.Im very short on friends and family to discuss anything with so I decided to try this.And as I've learned from past experience,a person can go almost insane trying to deal with this sort of thing.Im just trying to figure out where to go from here or if there is anywhere to go.Its been nearly a month since i moved out, Ive gotten a few opportunities to see the children since,but it is difficult because they know what i did and are upset with me also.Today For the first time in weeks I asked her if we could talk about working things out and maybe seeing a marriage counsellor.She flat out stated that she has no interest in repairing the marriage and went on the attack about what I did, which is to be expected I guess. Maybe im wasting my time here trying to repair something thats been broken for a long time. It seems impossible at this point.But Ive never been one to quit without a fight.Thanks for listening again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2019): I want to ask just one question.
Why didn't you mention your wife cheated on you 7 years ago?
Maybe that explains just about everything. It's odd you left such a vital piece of information out in the first post. That seems suspicious, as if you've just pulled it out of the air. Such a thing doesn't just slip your mind.
Leaving-out major details in the beginning makes them look highly suspicious and questionable when added later-on, dear sir.
Some OP's do that when they want to seek sympathy; or build a better case to sway opinions against the person who can't defend themselves. We're getting one-side of the story here.
If someone cheated on you before; and then blatantly behaves like she did. It comes as no surprise the marriage is over.
Get your finances in order. You need a good divorce lawyer.
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male
reader, driftwood46 +, writes (22 April 2019):
driftwood46 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I tried leaving a response last nite but guess I didnt click the add button.Thank you all for your input,as hard as it is to read ,I do accept that an outside perspective can often shed light on a situation. Yes I do fully realize I am 100% to blame,my actions were those of a weak man.I should have left the marriage before ever carrying on any sort of relationship with another woman. I spend my whole life frowning upon cheaters and infedelity as I come from a failed marriage because of it.I did ask my wife for forgiveness but have been flat out refused. I guess I was expecting a little more from her since I had forgiven her when she cheated on me 7 years ago. I moved on from that point and we rebuilt the marriage.Over the past couple days she has completely removed any presence of me from the house. All my clothes was left outside in garbage bags,and she has requested my vehicles removed from the property.And yes I did try repeatedly over the previous 6 to 9 month prior to discuss our issues but she would not talk about it. That would be the same time frame she stopped wearing her ring.I have found some accomodations,nothin fancy by any standards, but im fine with that. I have basically been banned from my own home, any info about the kids I have to get from them cause she refuses to give any. It has gotten very very cold.All business,never thought she could be that way.Thanks for listening to me complain.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 April 2019):
 My advice?
Seek out legal advice ASAP.
And perhaps you should look into HER phone bill as well. I wouldn't be surprised if you was just waiting for you to be pushed enough to do something she could use to kick you out.
Don't discuss ANYTHING other than the kids with her.
DO set up a budget.
Set of visitation rights (use a legal mediator for this) and stick to them. Don't discuss your wife with your kids, don't ask them questions about her - make the time you SPEND with them... about them. And don't go overboard trying to spoil or bribe them... kids are smarter than that.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (22 April 2019):
 Yes, you definitely should have left when she cheated. She betrayed your marriage vows and the very simple fact you let her get away with it shows her that you’re a pushover. I’d be surprised if she hadn’t cheated again going off the behaviours you’ve described.
It sounds like there has been no love in this marriage for years, this is for the best, see it as a blessing in disguise.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2019): She was already looking for an out and this has provided her with the ammunition required to do so without looking like the bad guy.
She may or may not(probably has done equally as bad as you or worse) have another man, but at this point does not matter.
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male
reader, driftwood46 +, writes (22 April 2019):
driftwood46 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your responses,the different points of view are appreciated. Sometimes even a strangers perspective can help.I did try to discuss our marriage problems many times with my wife,but got shut down and told I complain to much,for months on end. And Yes I 100% agree that I caused this on my own and yes it was very stupid of me to talk with another woman. Biggest regret of my life.Just in the last coupe days ALL my clothes was removed from the house and left outside for me. My vehicles were removed from the property, and I dont have any Access to the house such as keys and door openers.Even coming by to get the kids is met with her standing outside with a friend present to witness interaactions i assume.Even gone to the point where I dont get information about the kids that i might deem important.I asked for forgiveness,but I doubt it will come.Kinda makes me regret stayin with her when she cheated on me 7 years ago.She told me over text to quit trying to discuss anything besides kids and moving forward because we are done.She definately seems to be on the war path.Dont have any other word to describe it but cold.Thanks for listening to me complain.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2019): Your wife might have had a head-start letting-go of the marriage. Weighing her pros and cons over time. You were picking-up clues when she froze you out, snapped at you, and was spending more time hanging-out with friends. Doing self-improvement and dressing (per your opinion) provocatively, doesn't necessarily have much to do with wanting out of the marriage.
Self-improvement is self-improvement. Taste in fashion changes; and her friends may have suggested a few things, or encouraged her to appreciate her looks. If you rarely compliment your wife; then no...she won't bother doing it for you. Middle-age crisis will bring people to a cross-roads in their lives. She's dealing with aging, uncertainty of her future, and may feel she's in a rut. Just as you do!
Women do have their round-table discussions; and encourage each other. All their girl-talk isn't beneficial or constructive. They fill each others heads with foolishness too!
Not to totally dismiss the possibility that she wants to be noticed by men; but that doesn't prove she is cheating on you. She wants to look good when she goes out. She's mom, a wife, or somebody's employee most of her week. She has to save some of herself for herself. You do too! You're dad, a husband, and a provider. Sometimes you need to breathe and be yourself! Your responsibilities sometimes cage you in!
If you're tired, and want to sit around the house, and she doesn't; she has friends to turn to who will oblige her. Sometimes you have to put the budget aside; and make your family feel they're just as important as paying the bills. You don't have to be foolish about it.
If you blow-up every-time she spends money; if it's what she earned herself, you're treading in dangerous territory. You did manage things for 16 years. What's so different now? You'll hit snags in the budget now and then. That's the economy! The kids are growing!
I'm a straight-shooter, and I'll be honest with you. Your credibility gets a little shaky when you start-out your post explaining how your wife became distant and more or less cut you off. Rather than trying to get to the bottom of your marital-problems; you started texting another woman. You add insult to injury by complaining about your wife to a stranger. Another woman?!! You were living in the same house! It was a matter of time before she found-out what you were up to!
The prologue to your post gives reasons for your suspicion and concern as a husband. It doesn't justify what you did.
You had no discernible evidence she was cheating; but in the back of your mind, you felt justified...maybe even vindictive by turning to someone outside your marriage.
You're mature and experienced enough to know, after 16 years of marriage; if you have a problem in your marriage, your wife is the one you address and discuss those problems with. Unless that woman was a professional-counselor, or therapist; YOU were the one cheating.
I will not just play devil's advocate here. You're not stupid. You know your wife, and you can pretty much tell whether or not she gave-up on the marriage. Here's a few things to consider. You mentioned having financial-problems and stress.
You can get so caught-up in your own problems, that you'll become temperamental, closed-off, and cynical. It materializes or manifests in some form of emotion or behavior. Men usually internalize; we rarely discuss our weaknesses. To avoid confrontation, arguments, or being asked too many questions; you may neglect your partner. You may have been short-tempered at times; unnecessarily strict with the kids, often solemn, or secluded in your own world. Keeping to yourself. Maybe you felt you were being normal; but they (the wife and kids) noticed something different about you.
You may have even trivialized her problems; or avoided discussions about the relationship when she tried to inform you of how she feels. You were worried about the finances; and anything else was silly, or ignored. The usual response to stone-walling would be to give-up trying. What's the use? Sex becomes less desirable when there is no spontaneous flirting and affection. Just letting you get on-top is a duty, not passion.
All your partner will see in you is doom and gloom. The problems aren't new problems; if you've survived 16 years.
You've gotten through money-problems before, and you will again.
She may have decided she was tired of the problems; and felt the marriage has run its course. She lost faith in it. She realizes you're both getting older; and money-problems creates pessimism and disappointment. She's probably done with the marriage. Her reasons don't have to be good reasons, just her reasons. Whatever they are?
Let's face it. You tilted things her way; when you gave her a good reason to kick you to the curb. There are other reasons, but you handed her a good one on a silver platter.
Marriage-counseling was suggested; but I speculate she has made up her mind. For now, it would be better to focus on getting your finances in order. Possibly considering getting a part-time job; so you won't find yourself homeless.
All you can do at this point is try to see your children when you can. Stop begging or pleading with her; because at some point, she will enjoy sticking-it to you. Using your anguish to punish you. Going further by denying you access to the children; and trying be as cold and ruthless as she possibly can. If she's acting out-of-character, attribute some of that to chit-chat with her lady-friends. Don't confront them, or they'll circle the wagons. You won't win!
Just leave her be; and discuss finances if that's all she cares to talk about. Stay calm. Don't suck-up to her. Just stay sensible. You have to give her room, and see how things turn-out. I believe there will come a point she will want to talk about the marriage. She is too scornful; perhaps happy with the leverage she has over you. The drama may give her some momentum at the moment; but she may not have decided a divorce is her final decision. She definitely has your attention!
She can't talk right-now; I guess because she doesn't know what to say, or how to talk about it. Let her know, if there is anyway you can have a civil discussion for the sake of your family and marriage; you'll try and work things out. If she refuses the olive branch, she's done. Prepare for the divorce.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (21 April 2019):
Go back home now. Your wife has been cheating on you for months and has already checked out of the marriage. By leaving the house you have essentially abandoned your family. And your stupidity has given her the opportunity to paint you as the bad guy. Living elsewhere simply gives her more ammunition. Go home now. If she wants to talk about separation and obviously she does she can talk to you in your home.
Go see a lawyer. The best one you can afford. Because if you want to continue to be a father to your children you’re going to have to fight for your right to be a father. Forget about your wife she left you long ago. You’re just unwilling to face it.
Luck
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 April 2019):
I can only agree with Honeypies response. You gave her the perfect chance for her to dip out of the relationship. You called her out months ago and she wasn’t interested in changing things and now this is the final nail in the coffin I’m afraid, I don’t think there’s any coming back from this.
All you can do it wait it out, give her time and see if she comes back to talk. If not, then sadly things are over and you need to concentrate on divorce proceedings and getting everything in order.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 April 2019):
Well, I think she was looking for a reason to kick you out.. and you GAVE it to her wrapped with a bow!
Things weren't going well, SHE didn't WANT to improve on them or even talk about them so you did the classic mistake of looking for someone to talk to elsewhere. NOT smart.
You can't MAKE her forgive you at all. That is something SHE has to decide on.
What you can do is look into marriage counseling, and if SHE doesn't WANT to go with you, GO alone.
You can't fix a broken marriage all on your own.
Sharing R rated pictures is NOT an innocent "thing". Don't try and minimize the damage YOU did. YOU created. However, do NOT take the full blame for the marriage break down either. She wasn't happy and she did NOTHING to improve it or communicate WHAT she needed from you.
I also think it could be a good idea to contact a lawyer. See where you stand. And If you participated in your kids lives (outside of just being in the home when they were there) CONTINUE to support them.
Give her some space to miss you. Give her some space to figure out WHAT she wants.
I'm sorry, I don't really blame you for looking elsewhere when you wife so seemingly "separated" herself from you over time BEFORE your Cock-up. I kind of get it. Stupid as it was.
So look for marriage counseling (I'd give her a couple of months to figure out if that is something she is interested in, and if she ISN'T, then go by yourself. You might learn a few things. Don't look at it as punishment but a way to improve YOURSELF.
I think you are just going to have to give her a bit of space.
I would also work out a budget, so the kids are taken care of and YOU are manage a living that isn't out of a car or cardboard box.
Sorry, Patience is your next move.
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