A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been feeling ill with a current situation I have got myself into. I have been previously married which ended after she had an affair and got pregnant. I eventually found my current partner. I have a close friend whom I have known all my life. He has a girlfriend who he has been with for sometime. When he first introduced me to her. I thought she was stunning but obviously kept my opinions to myself. As time has gone on we have had a lot of nights out and various outings as a foursome. We all get on really well, but I've noticed over time that his girlfriend and myself have got so much in common. We laugh at the same things. We love the same things. It's uncanny sometimes. We'll even say the same sentences. Time went on, and me and my partner got engaged and the wedding arrangements are virtually completed with the date approaching fast. A couple of months ago whilst on a night out, my mates girlfriend came up to me and said she loves me and always has done. Problem is, I feel the same way. We're like two peas in a pod. We have been secretly messaging one another since then. On the odd occasion we have met up for a kiss and a cuddle. I feel such a terrible person. I've been so ill with the guilt lately. How can I do it to my best mate. How can I betray my fiancée. I feel like I'm worse than my ex. I know what it feels like. I feel like I'm the most selfish person on the planet. I can't talk to anyone because I don't think anyone would understand. I just can't help how I feel. I'm such a mess about it all. Please can you give me some advice. Thank you.
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (26 September 2014):
 Please, oh please, be a gentleman!!
You made your own bed & now you must sleep in it!
I can tell you, my partner is every single bit a gentleman & God forbid, if i had ever had any contact with a man such as you, i would be running for the hills & fast!!
I feel very sad & very bad for your fiancee. How can you treat her this way? Have you not an ounce of shame within yourself?
Do the right thing now.
Come clean, sit your fiancee down, look her in her eyes & tell her the truth, do it!
She deserves to know what you & your best mates gf have been doing.
Have the guts, be a real man & tell her immediately.
Waiting around any longer does nobody any favours, certainly not yr fiancee & your best mate.
Btw, you will most likely lose your best mate forever, unless he is incredibly stupid &/or forgiving.
You will definitely lose your fisncee, even if you did decide that you'd made the most incredible mistake & yes, your best mates gf, well, she is not to be trusted, she sounds quite easy & sleazy, just as you seem to be.
We as humans, will feel things, be tempted to some degree, regarding different things in all facets of life, however, that does not mean that we "GIVE IN TO THOSE TEMPTATIONS", simply because we get tempted!
It is called, "SELF-CONTROL"! Have you heard of it?
Be honourable, your fiancee has given you her love, her honesty, her loyalty, her entire being & this is how you repay her?!
I am a woman & as i type this i shed tears for your fiancee, for every single woman on this planet, who is going to hurt very deeply for some time, possibly for years & years to come, @ the hands of men like you!
If you truly love her, then set her free, to find a more suitable, loving, loyal, honest & stable partner!
Stop living lies & being selfish!
If you enjoy fooling around, falling for other mens women, i have one very simple solution for you, STAY SINGLE!!
Then, you can wine, dine & fool around with whomever you should choose.
You can enjoy as much candy as you like.
Go now & tell your fiancee what you have done to her, tell your best mate too, do not forget him either, he deserves to know.
Also, i would encourage you to remain single for as long as possible, because you are clearly very confused about what you really want in your life & your future.
If you truly loved, respected, honoured & adored your fiancee, this crap would simply NOT be happening! Agreed??
You are in your 30s, but i must say that you are a player & you have much growing up to do, before you can even begin to commit to any woman, for the long term.
Perhaps you could even gain some insight into your behaviour, by speaking to a professional counsellor.
This way, you can delve deeper into your own behaviour, your own shortcomings & find strategies that will help you to be more aware of your actions & you'll find different tactics to help you with your urges of insincerity & infidelity.
It is not a cure, but it will benefit you, if you are willing to make an effort to admit to your errors, change your ways & stop hurting people.
I cannot empathise with you here, because you are a grown male & you CHOSE to do all that you've done.
Nobody dragged you by ball & chain. You are male & you are IN CONTROL! What happened?
Go & talk to your fiancee & your best mate immediately & please, do the honourable thing.
Talk face to face, especially to your fiancee.
She deserves better than this & you know it!
Don't make this pain any harder for her, by leading her on & by leading your best mate on too.
Good Luck!! You'll need it!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2014): If you truly believe your mates girlfriend is for you and she feels the same then both of you must stop the messing about and leave your current partners. Yes the other two will be hurt but just be honest about things. Honesty is the key, no point in keep lying. And if your mates girlfriend wont leave her boyfriend which I am sure she will if she does love you not him, then still you must leave your fiancee as she is not the one for you, as if she was then this would not be happening. What you are doing is not very nice but being honest would im sure relieve alot of the guilt your feeling, so man up your not a little kid and stop going behind peoples backs, thats the worst thing to do to a person.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (24 September 2014):
 I'd love to be a fly on the wall both when your fiancee finds out AND when your best friend finds out from his girlfriend. Then, you'll find that all of these flowery kiss-filled secret texts will pale in comparison to the conversations about to take place.
This woman, who came on to you and spouted about loving you, will deny you to her boyfriend. She'll talk about how you used her, how she never loved you, how you came on to her, and she'll beg and plead him to stay with her, which flies in contrast to the vilification of him that she told you when you and she are under the sheets, because what cheater actually tells the one she's cheating with that her boyfriend/husband/fiance is a wonderful person who is there for her? Haven't you figured out by now that a cheater's words are worthless? Your ex-wife's words were worthless as she lied to you every day. Your best friend's girlfriend is still telling him that she loves him. If she truly "always loved you" like she said, she would have broken up with your best friend before making a move on you. The fact that she didn't shows that she's playing a game - she has no intention of leaving him, and if she's found out, then she will vilify YOU to him. Likewise, you're still telling your own fiancee that you love her and can't wait to get married. When your fiancee finds out what you've been doing, you will belittle your best friend's girlfriend to her, saying that she came on to you, that you don't know why you did it, that she didn't mean anything, that you love your fiancee and will do anything to make it work with her. You will beg and grovel and plead for the chance to earn her forgiveness and "make it right". How do I know this? You haven't broken up with your fiancee yet, that's how, because your words are worthless now that you are a cheater. All of those flowery words you whisper during pillow talk will evaporate.
You and this other woman are NOT peas in a pod, except that you are both cheaters who are hurting people you love. The most interesting thing will be the moment you both trip over your own words stammering out how much of a mistake you're making and how there isn't love there, contrary to the crap you're texting her now about how you didn't know what love was until you met her.
What you're dealing with is called "limerence". It's that chemical and strong emotional desire that, given the illicit nature of what you're doing, borders on obsessive, giving you that feeling of being caught in a spider web. You think that people married for a long time don't experience moments of temptation? The strong choke out that limerence in its infancy and don't indulge fantasies. They avoid the object of their crush, and when the person comes onto them, flattering the ego with declarations of love, the response is "Sorry, but I am engaged, and I love my fiancee. I also consider anyone my best friend is with off-limits, and I would sooner tongue kiss my own mother as consider cheating with you"
Ever stop to consider that someone as brazen and sudden as your best friend's girlfriend may have an ulterior motive to suddenly coming on to you in this manner? The top two reasons have nothing to do with love. Thrill seeking and revenge cheating. Both of which would never survive once she's found out. Then you're toast and she's on to the next guy in line.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2014): How can you say you love someone you hardly know??Your are living in a fantasy of, we are so perfect for each other . We say the same things, two peas in a pod .. And have sneaky cuddles and kisses behind your supposedly loved ones back .. It so exciting the now.. It's hot .. What happens when the daily grind of life takes over .. Hmm .. My advice ( I'm a RMN btw) would be to tell your fiancée that you are not ready for this commitment that you are feeling the need to have space and take prospective over your life .. Then don't see either of these women .Take time to gauge your feelings .. If you seriously think you need this other women then she should after you move away from her partner . Your supposedly friend .. I think she should tell him, that she approached you and told you she cared for you, someone she hardly knows .. I hope he laughs and sends her on her jolly way .. As she not ready for commitment either .. So wishing you lots of luck as you will need it .. Hope whatever you decide works out for the best .Take care
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (24 September 2014):
 Yu said it! What a mess you have gotten yourself into. The only way out that I see is to run like the wind away from the whole sordid mess. Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2014): Your engagement has to be ended. You are leading someone to believe you are willing to take vows to morally bond your commitment; and share your property and assets under the law. Right now, the vows would be a total lie. You'll go through the motions with another woman on your mind. Break it off. NOW!!!
At least allow her to start her detachment and healing process. She will undergo pain, financial loss, and humiliation. To let this lie continue any longer than it has; is bordering on cruelty to say the least.
You can no longer call yourself a "friend." Not when you're after his girlfriend. Cuddling and kissing behind everyone's back. I just hope he doesn't hit you. You sat and laughed and behaved as though nothing was going on.
There is no way I can think of to tell someone something like this without dire consequences. He'll be very hurt and angry.
You're both sneaking around and cheating on both your mates. You didn't mention sex. Kissing and cuddling? How naive do you think the aunts and uncles are? Secret texting and creeping about, but no sex?
You don't have to admit it. You've already gone too far by betraying your friend and fiance. Do the right thing and breakup with her; so she may begin her recovery process. The worse thing to do is to go through with the wedding; and she should find-out about it all the same.
If you were a decent gentleman; you would break it off with both women, and just disappear.
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A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (24 September 2014):
 In some twist of logic you are doing the very thing that was done to you and you say you feel guilty and sick. Good, I am glad you do because it means at least there is some semblance of consciousness in there somewhere. When something bad happens to you, you must take that experience and grow from it, become a better person. You have done the opposite. Why? The crap is going to hit the fan pretty soon so try and do the right thing now. Tell your friend how you have betrayed him with his partner and face the consequences of your actions. Tell your partner you can no longer marry her and tell her what you have done. What a fickle character you are. You have some poor character traits which you need to work on. And stay single until you work on those traits. As for the partner's friend - what a biatch. Maybe you both deserve each other.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 September 2014):
 It's pretty simple. Tell your Fiance and tell her now. Tell her how you have cheated on her and thus can't marry her. Then have the balls to cancel the wedding, the venue, the catering and send out "the wedding is off notices".
The fact that your ex cheated on you, means you SHOULD know how devastating this is, yet... you turn around and do it to someone you claim you want to marry? You say how can you do it? Because you MADE that choice. As the saying goes, you made your bed... now lie in it.
The RIGHT thing to do is tell your fiance.
One thing though, if you think it's going to be "happily ever after" with the best-friends GF... it won't. It might seem like you two are made for each other. But you two last trustworthiness and no trust? no foundation.
Have some decency and END your engagement and relationship with your fiance. SHE deserves better.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 September 2014):
All of your feelings are correct, and apparently you learned nothing from your experience with your cheating ex. It's worse because you were the one who was devastated because of what she did to you.
Now you're going to visit it twofold on the two people in the world who should mean the most to you, your fiancee and your best friend, which I'm guessing was the guy who got you through your pain of your ex's betrayal. This is how you repay him, by putting your hands and lips all over his girlfriend?
Not only that, but all you thought about was your penis when his girlfriend came onto you. You didn't stop to think that SHE was doing to your best friend what your ex did to you?? So, to repay your best friend for being there for you when your wife cheated, you put your hands all over his girlfriend.
Let me tell you this. You *CAN* help how you feel. Are you so weak that someone comes to you, tells you she's into you, and you can't control yourself?? That you don't love your best friend more than you do yourself? That you haven't broken up with your fiance who's getting ready to flush her life down the toilet by marrying you, and you won't even be merciful enough to break it off with her so she can find a loyal man who will NOT cheat on her??
Why did you even end your marriage when your wife got pregnant with another man's baby?? You should have kept her if you're now so sympathetic about the lack of control you can have. Let me put this by you...why did she cheat?? Were you selfish in your marriage as well? No, I don't think that cheaters can blame anyone else, but obviously selfishness isn't something that happens all of a sudden. How selfish were you in your marriage and what couldn't you "help" then?
Not only *do* you have control of yourself, but you have built an elaborate house of cards of lies you take such time to keep going so as to cheat with your best friend's girlfriend behind your own fiance's back. You have 3 lives you're about to ruin, and it WILL happen. It's inevitable. You're even messaging each other. That's going to be the trail of breadcrumbs that will get you busted.
DO NOT MARRY your fiance. That would be the worst imaginable act of cruelty you could inflict on her, because she thinks you've been true to her. If you *are* that cruel, and you marry her and start having kids, then that's more people...INNOCENT people you will devastate with your actions now.
I'm not giving you comfort, and the only way you'll find release is to come clean and end everything. You will lose your fiance. You will lose your best friend. You may, in fact, keep his girlfriend after he dumps her, and you may not.
But say you break up all of the relationships and his girlfriend wasn't lying to you and did really love you (which I doubt), your relationship is doomed anyways if you get with her. Think about it...it'll be like dating your ex-wife all over again...no trust...she has it in her to come on to other men while in a relationship. Once the illicit addictive feelings wear off in the cold light of day and the kisses are no longer stolen, but you actually have to put effort into an actual relationship...it'll blow up too, either by her cheating, you cheating, or both of you having a complete lack of trust and torn apart by mutual selfishness.
The only way out is to do the hard thing. Every day you wait will be that much worse. Start by breaking it off with your fiance. That would be the only "right" thing you could do in this situation.
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