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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi, id just like some advice regarding children as no matter what choice i make i fear im going to upset someone.my husband and i have a son. My husband also still sees his step daughter from his relationship before me. He sees her two Saturdays a month as she believes he is her real dad. My husband nor her mum told the girl any different when they were together as her real dad isnt in the picture. Her mum has now remarried and has another child so the girl sees this new husband as a step dad and my husband as her real dad. Now the problem we have is that my our son is now getting older and i dont know what to do about the step daughter. At the minute i tell my son daddy has gone to work when he spends the Saturday with the stepdaughter. She occasionally comes over to ours but our son is to young to understand why, he just assumes its a friend to play with. She also tells him shes his sister but again he doesnt understand what that means. However in 6 months time he will wont be so naive. If she comes over and calls my husband dad, my son is going to ask why this girl is calling his daddy dad as well. He is also going to ask me if she is his sister. What do i tell him? Im not going to lie to my son and tell him she is his sister when she isnt or that my husband is her real dad as i dont see why my son should be brought up in a lie as well. i can try and explain the concept that the girl didnt have a real daddy so she calls my husband daddy as he was there for her when she was a baby and that she is a special friend to him that is like a big sister. However there is no way in hell i can expect my son to keep this a secret. You know what kids are like, all it takes is for him to get jealous and shout "hes not your real daddy" and then this girl will find out the truth. Do we try and keep them apart and say my husband is at work when he he visits her to avoid lying to our son and avoid her finding out that truth about her dad? Or is it time that she is told the truth? I just dont know what to do for the best. I just dont feel right lying to my son but then i dont want to upset the step daughter either. I jst dont see how this is ever going to work but when i talk to my husband he says he doesnt know either
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 October 2016):
 That did clarify a few things.
You husband CAN slowly wean the girl off seeing him, but is it fair to the girl? Just because her mom is a twat? You know what I mean?
And yes, the MOTHER of the girl needs to be the one telling HER daughter. And that.. neither you nor your husband have any control over whether she will or not.
I know here in the states there are a lot of blended families, some use the term sissy, sis for non-blood related "siblings". So maybe that is something to consider ? Or just use her name. Daddy is visiting Anna today. Kids don't always NEED a complicated explanation of who is whom.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 October 2016):
 From your update it is clear to understand you are worried because you grew up with lies, so yes I can understand why you are worried. I am assuming the children are still quite young. Your son does not need to be lied to, but he also does not need to know the biology. If he is young he is not going to question it, he will happily accept that he shares his daddy with this other little girl.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (6 October 2016):
 Again, without knowing the children's ages it's difficult to be more helpful, but I agree that you're over thinking this and worrying a little too much.
If your husband is going to be the girl's father, then act as though he is. When the kids are older and the time is right you can just tell them (her first) in a calm, matter of fact manner. This is not something to be traumatised about.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 October 2016):
 I am a huge believer in the belief that children grow in our hearts not our bellies... this goes for dads as well.
Clearly your husband also defines this child as his child and he still maintains a parental relationship with her.
Blood does not make you a parent. Behavior makes you a parent. It sounds like to me HE considers her his child. He also sounds like a KEEPER to me. Any man who can parent a child as fully as he is parenting her is a good man. Instead of trying to tear his relationship with his daughter down you should be singing his praises.
Have you talked to your husband about this? How does he feel about it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2016): As a child I had family friends I referred to as Auntie this and Uncle that they weren't related and I understood that.This child is your son's sister (of sorts) so there's nothing wrong in calling her that nor telling your son that your husband has gone to see his daughter (rather than that he's at work) but I do agree they both need to be told the truth. It's best it comes from her mother and your husband.Lying to children is always done to protect the adults not the child. As so many people must know about her parentage it's only a matter of time before someone slips up. If it's not that then it could be a medical issue. In the future our DNA will be used more and more for medical purposes and it's bound to come out one day. Your son will also be upset to find you've been lying to him.My friend was 18 when she overheard a conversation about her "real" dad. She was completely devastated. It was the fact that so many people had lied to her for so long that she couldn't get her head around. To this day it has affected her relationship with both her parents.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2016): Hi i am the original poster of the question and just want to clarify a few things.firstly i would never dream of telling the girl anything, i know its not my place and i did not write the question title. I was just asking for advice so that i could talk to my husband whom in return could talk to her mum. I dont expect them to act out my advice, i was wanted to see what othets thought was best. Secondly i 100% support their relationship. No he did not adopt her so legally he isnt her father but legalities dont matter to me. I have encouraged their relationship from the start, even when my husband thought about trying to drift away from her due to complications from the girls mother. I may have come across wrong in the post but id never want to stop the girl from seeing my husband and her happiness is a priority to me, hence me being afraid my son might spill the beans to her.i guess i am overthinking things and thinking too far into the furture. For now i will just tell my son she is a special sister to him and i like the idea of saying that his daddy is such a good daddy that this girl wanted him to be her daddy too. And then when he is older and able to understand then i will tell him the truth. I was bought up with lies on who were my real siblings and when i found out i resented my parents lying to me for so long so i guess i am afraid my son will do the same but i will cross that bridge when i come to it.thank you for all your advice and i am sorry if i came across so horribly but please believe me that as a mother, i understand the importance of both the children's happiness and i would never treat the girl any differently.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 October 2016):
 I think you're jealous of the little girl's proximity with your husband and don't want her to keep referring to him as her dad. It seems like a territorial feeling... He's dad to only your son and to no one else and there's no reason why the girl should keep calling him daddy. Also, if your husband and the girls mother were not married, then she's not really his step daughter, she's just been made to think she is. Talk to your husband, it's his call how he deals with this
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2016): I'd like to know the children's ages. I think all parents involved should be telling the children together; because children are not only traumatized by lies; but they begin to distrust all adults.
It's always best to tell the truth from the start. The child should have been told that this man wants to take care of you because your real daddy went away before you were born. He loves you like a real daddy would. Someday, when you're older, you may be able to find where your real father is. For now, you have men who are happy to be your father; so you'll always have a daddy until you find the man who is your real father.
As the child reaches the age of 12 or older, you can explain that the father chose not to be in her life for his reasons. Sometimes the reasons are good and sometimes they are not. You were always loved by your mother, and always had a man who was happy to be your father. Only the men mommy married did not actually father you. Enough said there.
Technically, your husband is her stepfather; and she can still call him daddy if she wants to. If he never legally adopted her as his step-daughter to give her his name and birthrights, she is not a legal heir. Explain to both children that they are not blood relatives; but if they want to be brother and sister it is up to them to do so. If he did legally adopt the child, she is his adopted daughter; and they are brother and sister. They only have to add "step-" when legal questions arise.
You explain complicated things at the child's level of understanding. Lying does not protect a child, it confuses them. Especially these days when a great number of marriages end in divorce, and children are not always legally adopted by the stepparent.
Tell the children the truth. They will be confused, but as they get older they will better understand things. They survive divorces at any age; so they will survive the truth about their origins and who their biological parents really are.
The child learns to accept when father is removed from their home by divorce. Some dads move on and never come back thereafter. Some fathers just never take any responsibility for their offspring, the kids need to know it isn't their fault and learn to live with it. As long as they feel safe, loved, and protected; they adapt easier to their family situation.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (6 October 2016):
I agree. This is very difficult to answer without knowing both children's ages, nor the significance of 'in 6 months' time'. What's going to happen in 6 months? A growth spurt?
One thing I will say is it not right to tell your son before telling the girl and I don't know that it's your place to do that.
First, let's find out how old they are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2016): What a web your husband and his ex weaved telling this lie. That poor girl. Surely this lie can't go on forever? When she grows up she's going to be thinking yur husband will give her away on her wedding day, will want her children to call him Grandad... It just will never end.Your husband and his ex need to talk about this. Does your husband mind this girl thinking he's her biological father? Was he there for a substantial part of her life and so considers her a daughter? If so, then perhaps you just have to accept this girl into your lives. However, if he doesn't want this to be a life long lie then he needs to tell his ex he will inform this girl that he is not, in fact, her biological father and offer to tell her together - so him and his ex sit down with this young girl and let her know. I can see why he would do this - what a decent man to ensure that this girl has some consistency and stability in her life and I imagine there are people who have been able to maintain such a lie for a lifetime. But equally is it fair for someone to be told a lie throughout their life? This is something your husband cannot avoid talking about - saying he doesn't know actually isn't good enough now because he needs to start main decisions.No one else can do it for him, so you need to set aside a time to talk about this as adults and review what he thinks about it all, what his wishes are and what he thinks is best for the young girl as well as balancing what is right for himself, you and your child together.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 October 2016):
Sorry, it's not your business to tell her he isn't her Dad.
Why are your only options to LIE to your son or TELL the girl the "truth"? Why not simply tell your son that "Anna" is Daddy's daughter whom he sees every other Saturday?
What do you say to your child? You tell her that is DADDY's daughter. Since YOUR husband have taken responsibility and IS still taking responsibility FOR this girl, she IS his daughter. He is her father. Maybe not genetically, but really that doesn't mean squat when it comes to families.
It sounds to me like you are jealous of their relationship and wants it to end. THAT really is not only very petty but not your call. YOUR husband has ASSUMED responsibility for this girl and CONTINUES to do so out of love of the girl, whether she is biologically his or not. THAT is a GOOD man.
At some point I DO think the GIRL has a RIGHT to know who her bio-dad is, but that is for her mom and YOUR husband to decide, NOT you.
Come on.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 October 2016):
 It would help the aunts to know the children's ages.
In the meantime I'd keep it super simple. "Your Daddy is such a good Daddy! He loves you and also Jacob!"
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