A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my husband for 8 years and we have 4 young children together. My husband has always had a bad temper and drinks excessively, but both have gotten worse over the years. He screams and swears at me at least once a day for something very minimal, like leaving a cupboard door open, even if its because I'm just about to use it again. He is worse when he is really drunk, and will argue with me about nothing- eg. he will say I don't love him, I say I do and he says I don't, etc. there is no answer I can give to these questions that doesn't make him madder and saying nothing makes him just as mad, so it usually becomes physical. It's mostly just squeezing my arm or pushing me, but he's put a pillow over my face before, tried choking me and last night threw me on a bed and slapped me because I turned off the air conditioner. My life revolves around walking on eggshells trying to keep him happy but it doesn't work. I don't love him and I know I deserve better and should leave but I don't know how. He gets physical with me even though I don't argue with him or fight back so I can only imagine what he would do if I tried to leave. He is extremely jealous and doesn't like me going places on my own and we both have the same days off work so I am never alone to be able to plan to leave. I also have no idea where I would go with 4 kids and how I would cope on my own. I really want to see a councillor on a regular basis to help talk me through leaving but I have no idea how to see one without my husband knowing. Any advise from women who have been in similar situations on how you left would be great.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2014): "I start to question how bad it really was and whether I am over-reacting or being too sensitive . . . When things are good I lose the resolve to want to leave."
And in doing so you are teaching your young sons that verbal and physical abuse towards women is normal and expected behavior for men while teaching your young daughters that rationalizing abusive behavior and making excuses for an abuser is normal and expected behavior for women.
If you are not willing to be strong and stand up for yourself for your sake, then do so for your children. Otherwise they will very likely end up perpetuating the cycle of dysfunction and abuse in their adult lives where they will will very likely pass down the lessons they learned from you to your grandchildren.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2014): Hi this is the OP. Thank you all very much for your answers. To address some of your questions- I have called the police twice, but we live in a very small town and my husband is friends with most of the policemen and by the time they get here my husband has gone so crazy about me having called them that I panicked and watered down what happened to the point that they just gave him a warning both times and told him to go to bed. Now I feel like the police think I am crazy so wouldn't take anything I say seriously. I have also called domestic abuse hotlines on a few occasions but haven't found them all that helpful. The reason I feel like a need to see a councillor or have constant contact with someone who can talk me through leaving is that after there has been a violent incident- like when I wrote the question- I am 100% resolved to leave but the next day, once I start to go over everything that happened I start to question how bad it really was and whether I am over-reacting or being too sensitive, especially because my husband acts like nothing happened at all and would not consider himself to be abusive in any way. When things are good I lose the resolve to want to leave. I think if I had constant contact with someone who was helping me plan to leave my husband then it would help keep me motivated to do it. I had never even considered moving to another town- all my family live in the same town as me, so I don't know anyone anywhere else and I can't stay with my family because they wouldn't have the room, my husband would go straight there to look for me and they are the ones I am most ashamed to tell. I have tried telling one of my friends what is happening but I can never bring myself to say it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2014): Here is a concise step by step guide what you should do to get out of abuse.
http://www.saipantribune.com/newsstory.aspx?newsID=153162&cat=3
The article is much clearer that me rehashing the fact that you have to go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2014): I'm going to be perfectly honest in my first sentence here- you need to take in and take in HARD what we say here. You have sought help particularly with women who have experienced violence. That's me, exactly, so please take all the advice you can get!First of all, call any domestic violence hotline you can, there are so many (one in aus is 1800 200 526 ) but there are many , as they are trained and can give priceless advice on how to leave. Seriously, they are so experienced and can give yu very specific advice for your area, ie. women's shelters that accomodate children etc. Another thing is womens shelters should you chooe that option (probably for the best) can be a BIG adjustment, to be quite frank the conditions are very nice generally but they can seem rather like a prison. My advice - STICK WITH IT. Most people have an adjustment period, then grow to love it, then grow out of it, just like I did. Trust me., please give it a chance. I don't know what your family or friend support system is like, though if you have a violent husband the chances are they are either clueless or he has alienated you from them. or both. DONT believe his lies, you need to coe clean 100% to them, and the chances are they will help you in any way they can. Don't make excuses because of your children ie. if your family/friends are out of state, oh what about school, believe me it is still better to leave with them.WHATEVER YOU DO, do NOT believe your husband's lies and threats about divorce proceedings or child custody, money etc. he KNOWS these are your weak points, just walk out that door. They are 99/9% garbage, and that 0.01% will be resolved SAFELY, FAIRLY through courts. Please have faith in this. Remember, any abuser will use these as a classic to keep you their punching bag.Please ignore any lies about how he will change. You know he never will. People change, but they never change back. He will never be that guy you first met, accept it and leave. The past is gone forever. Please don't hold on to it.Even if he wants to change, he can't when he has a wife who stays.As for leaving? Me personally I secretly found a place with help of hotline and slowly took all my valuables/irrplaceables, then belongings till i told him goodbye and ran before he could hurt me. But this (especially with 4 kids) is probably not feasible or sensible. The action plan? 1. Collect all your irreplaceables when he's out, i.e. passports, bank cards etc. 2. sort a location. Call your local hotline as they can give you VERY helpful information on where you guys can stay, or family/friends/hotel etc. 3. LEAVE. preferably with the help of family/friends/social services/police (dont be afraid to ask for help police deal with this all the time, they will come in advance if you ask-try!), also don't give a damn about small material possessions ie. a few pairs of shoes, the important thing is to leave 4. get settled and rebuild. There is a life out there, im sure you remember...Good luck, I am rooting for you
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (23 January 2014):
 I agree with the previous answer. I think you could be in serious danger and this situation needs to be brought to an end.
A person who chokes you and holds a pillow over your face has the potential to snap and go further. Never ever doubt that he could go further, the pattern is a familiar one and women have died at the hands of their partners through fear of leaving.
You need to find a place of safety, even if it is a womens shelter. It will give you time and space to find somewhere more permanent. I would leave before you ask for the help of family or friends because they may say something to make him suspicious.
Do you have an understanding boss? Perhaps you could ask to take an afternoon off in order to get some of your belongings out of the house without your husband knowing.
I certainly think you should involve the police and ask for an escort and to get help applying for a restraining order.
I once knew a lady who was married to a very nasty man who was very controlling. She used her lunchbreaks at work to arrange a place to stay and even applied for jobs in other areas (having all replies sent to her work). Over a period of a few weeks she removed toys and clothes in small amounts and stored them at her mothers house, so she would not have to move a mass of stuff at the end. One morning, she said goodbye to him and they both went to work but her boss had given her the morning off so she went back to the house, filled her car with what she could carry and left.
When he came home, he realised she's left and taken the children and went immediately to her Mums house and started making threats. Her mum couldn't tell him anything because she wasn't there, she'd gone to a tiny apartment about 30 miles away and didn't even tell her mum where it was for at least 6 months. She cut all contact with her friends and just dissapeared for 6 months.
He was cautioned by the police for threatening her mum and he went on to be abusive to his next partner. He saw his kids through a contact center and a social worker because she refused to allow him to lay eyes on her again because she knew he had the potential to harm her. She did not want him to see the kids but British Justice even lets murderers see their children so they sadi he could have supervised access.
I know you feel trapped but it's vital that you take action. You obviously have internet access so look at womens groups and shelters in your area. You need help and lots of it and it is there but you have to seek it out.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (23 January 2014):
 Wow I'm so very sorry to hear what you're going through. I think it's wonderful that you know you want to leave. Many women are too afraid to make this first step. That's huge.
I have a very close friend who just left an abusive relationship. Like you, she stayed and put up with his shit until one day, she just had enough. She waited until he was at work and just disappeared. Packed her stuff up and left the state. She then changed her number and deleted her Facebook account.
Ideally, if you have family in the area - or maybe even better - far away- you could pack up and leave in a hurry on an afternoon while he's out and go stay with them. Of course, taking your kids, as well. If no family, than a close friend. Just take the amount of clothes and belongings you need until you can get more at a later date. I know you said he's got the same off days as you. Is that always the case? Does he have a day/night he ever goes out with friends? That's the time to do it - whenever he's away.
If there's literally no time you ever have with him away, do you have any male friends? With such a jealous husband, you may not have any left. If you do have some, you should get them to come over with you while you pack. Either that, or call the cops and have them stand there while you pack so he can't harm you or stop you.
Have you ever filed charges for any of the times he's harmed you physically? If so, file for a restraining order against him after you leave. This way, if he ever comes near you, you can call the police and have him removed. And you can also get a police escort while you come pick up the rest of your stuff.
The best way is always a quick escape. One where he doesn't see it coming and is not there. Try for this. And once you leave, you can make arrangements for the other things, such as the rest of your belongings, etc. The most important part is just getting away.
You can then file for sole custody of your kids, and I'm certain you will be granted that. If you have family, hopefully they can help you until you can get on your feet and figure something out.
Best of luck to you!
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A
male
reader, Geta +, writes (23 January 2014):
Your husbands excessive anger may be an Intermittent Anger Disorder triggered by mood imbalance. There are treatments for that like drug Abilify. Alcohol enhances these feelings.
If you do counseling try to see if he is willing to go on these benign pills.
If not them you need to find the way to get out if this because things can only get worse. I am not sure the status of your kids but whenever you decide to leave you must not tell him. You also must not tell him where you are going and where you are.
This requires some planning because you need food, shelter and a job to keep living.
Bottom line - if attempt at getting him medicated does not work you have to LEAVE without any announcement to him.
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, Priyanka09  +, writes (23 January 2014):
 Hi,
Well you are in a very difficult situation my dear friend. No matter how much I understand, it is not enough. I think you must act quite immediately. If you have a violent husband like him, I do not think you should stay with him. He is harming you now but he may harm your kids later. You do not want to see your kids growing to see this. I think you must just plan how to leave him without letting him know. If you tell him and leave, he will not let you go, as it is he is so jealous and possesive about you. Maybe someday from work, you should pick your kids and leave. I think you must do this as early as you can. You must not wait for him to turn more violent. Dont hurt your self esteem. Nooone has a right to hurt you like this.
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