A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Where to start...I'm 24-years-old, and have no friends. The reason is being I'm not confident enough in myself to talk to anyone other than basic small talk.My background: I was bullied very badly in high school. It started sophomore year (9 years ago). I was accused of something I didn't do. I couldn't prove I didn't do it, and the more I tried to defend myself, the guiltier I looked to everybody. At least it seemed that way. I was also made fun of for the way I looked. I admit, I looked (and still look) rather unusual. My body is normal. I'm 5'7", slender but not skinny. I have fair skin, and hair down to my lower back. The problem is I have an asymmetrical face, and look noticeably different from one side than the other. I also have an unusual eye colorI wear brown colored contacts most of the time now, because I got sick of standing out so much. I was a person everyone looked at, then looked back at their friends and started laughing. I was also told a lot that I looked "creepy". I did have one friend back then, and a few guys who were interested in me. I started dating one of them, but no one would leave us alone. They teased him so much about being with me that he broke up with me just so they would get off his back. Then he started completely ignoring me. I tried dating the other guy who liked me. That lasted for 3 years, but they weren't good years. He didn't treat me right.My home life then was no fun, either. Let's just say my sister took "sibling rivalry" to a psychotic level. She had bipolar disorder, so I realize she wasn't in a state of mind where she completely understood right from wrong. But it didn't make the things she said and did to me hurt any less. My dad told me when I was 13 that he didn't care about me. My mom was the only one who treated me like a human being. Present day: I'm married, and work 2 jobs. I recently had someone at my evening job ask me why I'm so quiet. He was confused as to why I didn't seem to want to talk to anyone. He then said talking to people is a good way to pass the time at work, to which I said "I suppose." I didn't really know what else to say, and I'm sure he doesn't want to know my life story. He's FAR from the first person to ask me why I'm quiet, or tell me I need to open up to people more. The reason I can't is because I lack self confidence. It's not like I haven't tried, either. I've made friends, but I could never keep them. I was too nervous around them, and felt I couldn't trust them. I felt like they would talk and laugh about me behind my back to their other friends. I also back away from people if they get within a certain distance of me (like 5 feet or so). I also still get the occasional insults about the way I look, most recently from my husband's best friend. My husband of course told him never to talk to me that way again, but it doesn't help me feel better about myself. My husband always tells me I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever laid eyes on, and sometimes I really believe he thinks so. Other times, in the back of my mind, I feel like he only married me because he felt sorry for me. How do I get my confidence back after all these years of harsh treatment from other people? Has anyone here experienced this, and how did you overcome it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): Besides realising that the only single fear that one is operating in relation to is a fear of rejection - and beginning by recognising every single time that fear is activated by what people do or by how you are thinking - some things that might help to overcome social anxiety are the following:1. Voluntary work (just a very small amount each week) which involves you HAVING to speak to others as part of the job ie. something like hospitality or personal support work. Honestly, a couple of hours per week of having no choice but to make small talk in order to help others will work wonders.2. Make friends with/do voluntary work with people who do not speak your own language fluently. This might sound strange, but in a situation like this it is a 'given' that both of you will feel awkward because of the language barrier and also it drastically slows down the pace at which any relationship - working relationship or friendship - develops. This can be a great thing if you are socially anxious because it automatically helps you to feel more in control and also the emphasis is again on helping someone, so the focus is away from you. 3. Get a dog. If you don't already have one, getting the most adorable dog in the world can do small but significant things to break down barriers between yourself and others - people smile at cute dogs and automatically smile at the owner. Don't underestimate the message that this sends to your brain at a deeper level. Also, you can attend dog training classes where none of you will be focusing on each other but on training the dogs - there will be chit-chat of course, and that is really the reason for going - but the emphasis will always be on the dog, not on you.4. This is a tough one and may take years (it did for me) but realise that just because other people may have somehow learned to behave meanly, you don't have to respond in kind and in fact YOU, not they, can set the pace and standard for what you want to give out/how you think people should treat one another. You can lead in this, believe it or not. This can be something of an art form and does not involve judging others, or condemning them but nor does it involve positioning yourself as a people pleaser or doormat or pushover. But it can mean generating the best values - love, acceptance, forgiveness and at the same time, assertiveness, to and with others. Once people realise that you are in the business of generating love and not hate or contempt, this will become the most attractive quality ever. Underneath everything, this is what people want and it sounds like you have this with your husband. It can be difficult to really put in place though, and you may make many mistakes along the way.And regarding your husbands comments - yes, I get where you are coming from. We all have s*** days where we feel completely unattractive and yes, some people ARE more stereotypically attractive than others but, really, these stereotypes actually seem quite boring as you get older and beauty becomes something much, much more individualised. My ex husband was classically handsome when I met him (he was 28, I was 18) and now has gotten very overwieght and basically looks unrecognisable. My long term ex partner was NOT a stereotypically handsome guy but became more stereotypically attractive as he got older. The guy that I'm in love with now is, to me, the most beautiful man on earth but stereotypically speaking he's probably not gonna be considered so. Sometimes as a woman it can be a matter of recognising how much you do or don't fall into a stereotype and playing into or against that depending on how you feel and also recognising where your individual beauty and quirks lie and learning how to enhance those quirks, not from a position of fear but just because it shows self value - and your ability to recognise your own value is no bad thing because, without it, you can't properly value others.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2012): As Htsn47 said look up Mindfulness. It does help.But also look up Introvert. The way you describe yourself you sound like an introvert but don't know it.Just for the record. Being an introvert isn't bad. I'm one myself. Sadly there are alot of myths circulating about being an introvert.But life can be difficult if you don't know it because you tend to think there's something wrong with you as you do stand out from a crowd.The ratio of introverts to extroverts is about 1:4 so the world is very extrovert oriented. Also look up the book "Quiet, the power of introverts in a world that won't stop talking" by Sarah Cain.I hope this will help you.
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A
male
reader, Htsn47 +, writes (25 October 2012):
 You remind me of my wife! She's very quiet, and sensitive. She keeps her life private from her coworkers too, which doesn't always help her. I think they think she's aloof, or has this perfect life and don't realize she's got the same struggles we all have.One thing that helps her a lot, and helps me too, is to practice "mindfulness". There is a great teacher named Tara Brach who writes books and gives lectures on this topic. She talks about self-acceptance, interpersonal relationships, and a lot of the things that worry people every day. Although it is from a Buddhist perspective, it is presented in a philosophical rather than religious way. You can listen to some of her weekly talks as a podcast, or download them from imcw.org or tarabrach.org. I don't know if it will help you. But it helps me a lot.Try to believe your husband when he says you are beautiful. Speaking for myself, it hurts a little when I say the same to my wife and feel like she doesn't believe me. It sounds like you've got a great relationship with him and he loves you.
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A
male
reader, mdmaddox11 +, writes (25 October 2012):
Everybody isnt make to look a certain way. I think that you should focus your time on building your careeer and fufilling your dreams with your family. You do not want to be 50 years old and look back and realize that you spent your whole life worried about what someone else thinks!!!!!
You are married and seems as if you have a good husband. Talk to him and find out what you guys want out of life and GO FOR IT!!! Inthe meantime, try to have some fun time with your husband by doing fun things like hiking, hot air baloon riding. QUIT worrying about what other people....opinions are like noses...everybody has one...Be blessed!!!!
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