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How do I fake it and carry on for our baby, when I'm bored and feel we're incompatible?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Faded love, Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 June 2014) 3 Answers - (Newest, 30 June 2014)
A female Ireland age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Looking for advice on how to try and make my relationship work even though I am so bored!

Met 4 years ago, at the time I was happily single, living alone and enjoying my own space. We used to meet 3-4 tines per week and were very happy together. He started saying he loved me after 3 months and I felt that it was too soon-I felt we still were getting to know obe another.

After 6 months he began dropping hints that he wanted me to movein with him. I said no-it was way too soon!

Things carried on the way they were, and we had a lot of happy times.

Then, out of the blue, on our 2 year anniversary, he asked me to marry him. I was shocked. My initial reaction was not one of joy! He knows that I don't really believe that you need to get married to be committed to one another. I was in love with him, but marriage just isn't something I really want. But, to keep him happy, I accepted his proposal. I guess I knew that it would be a long engagement as we both would need to save up for a wedding.

So, 6 months on and I discover I'm pregnant ddespite using the pill. We move in together, and start family life.

I love our baby, I love him, I really want our child to grow up in a happy family.

But I just don't think we are compatible. I guess you only truly know someone when you live with them, right? I prefer things how they used to be-anticipating and enjoying each other's company several times per week without the humdrum household stuff like sharing chores and talking about bills.... And now that is what we do. I feel very bored. I can't talk to him about stuff, even the news. We're just not on the same wave length. I feel he is holding me back. For example, I save money so we can go for a weekend away as a family but he doesn't contribute. So if I want us to go away, I have to pay for him too.

I felt really unsupported by him when our baby arrived. He was out of work, so I was taking care of our baby round tge clock, but although I was on poorly paid maternity leave, I was paying all tge household bills with my savings. It sucked and I guess I started to lose my love for him. He's got a job again now, but lacks ambition. His boss wants to pay for him to do a qualification which would help his job prospectsIin the future-great opportunity-but he can't be bothered to do it and would rather sit around watching crap movies on TV. I find his lack of ambition unappealing. I am working two jobs and doing a course (I put baby to bed and stay up studying til midnight every night) because I want to better myself to give our baby a better future.

He's a lovely dad, and I really want to try to fake being satisfied in our relationship but I am finding it hard. I don't feel physically attracted to him anymore as I have lost some emotional connection. I am desperate to keep our family together.

How do I fake it please?

I know I can talk to friends and family about tge news or whatever and get companionship from them rather than expecting it from him.

I guess I just feel disappointed. I know in my heart that we're not a good match in many ways. But I do love him and I do want to do whatever I can to keep our family together.

How do I lower my expectations of him? And how can I be more graceful in accepting that this (i.e.him) is my lot in life?

I am not interested in anyone else and would never cheat on him.

I feel I need to sacrifice my happiness to ensure our baby grows up in a family home. That's ok but how do I do so with grace?

Thanks.

View related questions: ambition, anniversary, money, my ex, the pill, wedding

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (30 June 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntYou may "love him" but you don't LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE him ( I hate the difference love vs i n love)

the issue is that your child will pick up on your unhappiness.

I think you settled for this guy and you will never be happy and content.

when he proposed you needed to say NO.

Now you need to figure out how to get out of this relationship. I would rather you do it now than wait 5 more years so that it's totally not fixable.

If you leave now, on good terms, your child will have two HAPPY parents. You just won't live in the same house hold and will probably have two different partners. MORE people to love your child.

If you insist you HAVE to or WANT to stay.. then you just do.

you don't worry about who's money is who's. all money belongs to the home. you don' travel since he does not like to.

you don't worry about sex ever since you won't be having any. you study all night and you are not attracted to him anyway.

once you graduate and are less stressed and someone catches your eye and stirs your loins.. then what?

better to end it rather than pretend it can and will work.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (29 June 2014):

janniepeg agony auntBefore talking about other men just say you miss those times when you anticipated dates together and you are disappointed that he now turns into a couch potato. Your needs are not being met. If he is as nice as you say he is he should be concerned about making you happy.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (29 June 2014):

janniepeg agony auntI do not feel he rushed the relationship. The time sequence sounds just about right.

A lot of questions you ask here all end with, nothing, you just do. Because whenever you ask how you do this or that, it implies you can't. What if you tell yourself instead how, you lower your expectations, you are happy with what you have, and that you are compatible. If you repeat that enough you will firstly believe and then achieve. Don't overwork yourself. Try lower your pace to match his and you still don't have enough money then ask him kindly if he can do something about it.

Don't fake it. If you are bored then do stuff without him. Tell him that you would rather do stuff with him than doing it alone. If he can't agree to go to places with you then you will have to meet male friends, and see if that shakes him a bit.

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