A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hello everybody. i'm in a great relationship for about eight months now - thing is, i'm a virgin, and my boyfriend, who is older and more experienced is not exactly sensitive about it. i mean, he doesn't do anything i'm uncomfortable with, but he's constantly implying how much better things would be when we go all the way. As a result, i'm getting nervous about it and every time we try having sex it gets extremely painful as i can't relax my body and we usually have to stop. he then indirectly makes me feel like i'm doing something wrong. whenever we try i'm openly expressing my wishes, for example, telling him to go slower or that i'm not comfortable in that position, etc. - his replies usually consist of 'well, i'm not a machine' or 'otherwise i won't be comfortable'. he's a great guy and i love him, i'm sure i want my first time to be with him, but how can i make him more understanding over that matter? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (3 October 2012):
"He's a great guy."
Really? A great guy would take it slow and respect your boundaries. A great guy doesn't just look after his own needs, but does his utter best to meet yours too. A great guy understands that sex is about the enjoyment of two people, not just himself. A great guy wouldn't blame his girlfriend when she gets tensed up; instead he'd try to make her feel as comfortable and appreciated as can be.
Tell me again, is your boyfriend a great guy? Because to me he sounds like a total douchebag.
I lost my V-card at 22. The guy I lost it to was patient and waited till I was ready. Before that, we enjoyed some kissing and touching, but he didn't try to push me further, always waited for my cue. When my first time came around, he tried to make it as enjoyable for me as possible. My first time wasn't a passage from some harlequin novel, but it was a lot better than it would have been if I'd been dating a guy like the one you call a boyfriend.
He's not the right one for you. Sex does not fix a relationship, just like a kid doesn't fix a marriage. In fact, I'm guessing that once he "popped" your cherry he's gotten what he wanted and the relationship will be over soon anyway.
Please look after yourself. We get so many girls on here who let themselves get pressured and guilt tripped into sex and then they come here crying about how they wish they hadn't allowed it.
Be firm and stand up for yourself. You don't owe him anything, especially not your body. If I were in your place I wouldn't even let him touch me from now on. If he wants you, he should earn your trust and right now he's trying to force you. Bad news.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 October 2012):
 I don't think you can make someone more understanding, more considerate, or less interested in his own pleasure above yours. Either he is that way or he isn't. He sounds selfish, only interested in his own pleasure and above all: manipulating. Everything will NOT be "so much better" once you go all the way. Trying to make it sound like your fault is also a red flag, the signs of someone who manipulates and doesn't want any blame. It's all your fault...
I don't think you should have sex with him until you feel he actually understands you and puts your needs and your comfort on top of his priorities. If you don't feel comfortable then don't have sex with him. It sounds like he's making you do things against your will, which I doubt you enjoy.
How long have you been with him? Are you sure he's the guy he says he is? It usually takes at least 6 months- to a year to discover who someone truly is. Anything before that time can be a lie, a fake cover, a fake smile.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 October 2012):
 You do know that it’s NOT a great relationship if he’s pressuring you to have sex….
You ask for accommodations from him (change the speed, the tempo, the direction or the position) and all he can think about is himself… tell me again how great this relationship is?
AND if you try and it's PAINFUL that means that he's putting at least part of his penis in your vagina correct... even just the tip in... your no longer a virgin...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): That's a good point 'YouWish' made, that I failed to address - you said it hurts when you have sex so you have to stop, so this means he must put it in, which also means you're likely no longer a virgin I'm afraid.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): If he is constantly telling you that things will be better when you have sex, im sorry but thats bs. Sex complicates things. And not only that, but it really sounds as if hes only after one thing. At least when he says things like this. Anyway, i think you both need to take a break for a month or two and not try to have sex. You are trying too hard and now instead of being a loving exciting experience, its a stressful one. Work on your relationship first. When you do try to have sex, use lube, make sure you are relaxed, etc. But if you are still stressed with it you wish gave very good advice, you could visit a dr about it. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 October 2012):
 Here's the problem with trying to slow down a guy who is driven to dip his man-parts in to your lady-parts:
If he does a poor job - as you have described - then you need to have some means by which to get him to understand that he's doing a lousy job as a lover. IF you could speak to - and expect a response from - his UPPER brain... then you could make progress by strangling him, and limiting the oxygen that is available to his UPPER brain... and do so until his UPPER brain came to its senses...
Unfortunately, the circumstances that you've described in your submittal are being driven by his LOWER brain... and that brain is NOT dependent upon oxygen for its survival. In fact, if you grab the LOWER brain... and try to flail it about in order to get it to come to its senses... the darn thing will ENJOY that.... and will continue to operate as it has, all along.... believing that the treatment that it is getting feels so good that you MUST be trying to get it (the LOWER brain) to actually increase its activity and motion!!!!!!
You will probably do a LOT better with a new/different/sensitive boyfriend....
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 October 2012):
 Oh man, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but if you've been trying to have sex and it's been painful, does that mean that he penetrates you? Because his putting his penis into you, even slightly, is enough to make you no longer a virgin according to the law and the definition of virginity.
Even though you haven't done the entire act, you have still given him your virginity.
I don't think this is an issue of your boyfriend pressuring you into doing something, because you're already trying to do it with him. I think he's frustrated at not being able to be successful with the act, and it does hit a guy's ego to feel inept at sex. Guys deal with performance anxiety no matter what their experience level is, because every girl is different.
I know you're getting frustrated too. Your hymen may be really thick, and added the stress and tensing of your pelvic muscles and fear, he's actually right in telling you to relax.
You could go to a doctor and have the hymen surgically removed, since you've already lost your virginity (virginity doesn't need the breaking of the hymen to be lost), and get a lot of K-Y lubricating jelly. That would take care of the pain of the first time sex, leaving you a lot less anxious.
Your guy is patient and a decent guy. It's tough for even the most patient of guys to be on the brink of sex but not go through with it, so I can't really fault him for what he's said. He's not ridiculed you or worse, forced the issue out of impatience.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): You probably can't. He seems that selfish and wanting it all his own way, that if he can't get it from you, he'll look elsewhere for it.
My advice to you is, do not give into doing something you're not ready to do, with your boyfriend or otherwise. If he can't wait until its right for you, and not pressure you or go elsewhere looking for sex, then he's not the right one for you.
...............................
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 October 2012):
"How much better things will be" = "I really want to get laid."
Having sex in itself will not make your relationship better if it not already good.
...............................
|
