A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband 34 in the military while he was gone I stayed with my parents with our 2 kids and pregnant for help cause I don't want to be pregnant and alone. He wanted all his mails to go to his parents house he don't want to change his address until he gets back than we can change it. We got one email that we both use when we pay our bills ever since he's been gone his mom will call and cry telling me how bad she wants him home and start reminiscing the past, this was very hard for me since I was pregnant I tried to not think about it al the time cause I don't want anything happen to the baby so I listen to christian music and pray. She also called me wanting me to call her as soon he calls me and tell her everything, she also got aggravated that he calls only me not her she keeps telling me to tell her son to call her its very important she refuse to tell me so I told him to call him mom, find out later she wanted to know what to do about his mails. I was so angry at her for not telling me that cause she knew that I handle our bills she don't want to discuss money with me only to her son, I found emails on our inbox of her saying that he's a gift from god and she want him home..she misses him, I feel like our kids and I are invisible to this woman she only care about son.MY husband is afraid of telling her to mind her business cause last time he did it she cry like somebody died...she told him she rather die cause her kids grow up and dont want her to take care of them anymore her daughter and husband is still alive I dont know where this crap comes from, she also told him he's always her baby no matter how grown he is (he's 34) she text me only to ask how's her son she never ask how's my pregnancy and our kids, I found her email on our inbox complaining to my husband that I dont come visit her at all which is a lie shes the one refusing to come to my parents house she also told my husband she's afraid to talk to me because she felt like walking in egg shells to avoid making me angry...shes so full of carp trying to find excuses of her not calling to check on me and her grandkids, I want to confront her but I dont know how time past I get to dislike her more and more is there anyone there that deals with a crazy woman like my MIL?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): I want to add that although you should stand up to your MIL, you should also be respectful. Standing up to her should include diplomacy and tactfulness. No screaming and angry tantrums.
Yes, she has a son in the military and it's driving her crazy. However; part of her responsibility is keeping an eye on you and the kids while he is away.
If he doesn't talk to her or call her, it's because her emotional outbursts are hard for him to handle. Her age is irrelevant in all of this. Ignoring your children is just plain evil. They can be affected by it, as they grow older and begin to notice how distant she is to them.
You still have to kill her with kindness, as much as you may dislike her. She is pushing you aside out of displaced jealousy, over her son's attentions being diverted to you.
There has be respect established before any sort of relationship is formed between the two of you.
Being proactive isn't enough. It will only end up being one-sided, because she isn't acknowledging anyone but her son. She doesn't sound fully rational. She may need some professional therapy to deal with her anxiety issues.
The most important factor in this issue is, your husband should call his mom. He should encourage her to keep in touch with you and the children, and she should seek some grief counseling to help her deal with her separation anxiety. Soldiers draw their strength from their family support. I was a soldier, so I know what I'm talking about.
I can't offer you a promise she'll ever be lovey-dovey with you; but for the kid's sake, that is a totally different issue.
I truly don't think calling her and blabbing to her will make much difference, because she is blaming you for her son not contacting her directly.She just doesn't like you and doesn't mind showing it. You have to be the bigger person, regardless.
Soldiers under deployment have limited time to contact their families, so they have to speak to their wives and husbands to keep their marriages in tact. When he returns home, who will he be living with? You and your children!
He will always be her son and baby. However, he has children and a wife. So if she is such a loving mother, there should be room for all of you in such a big motherly heart.
You're not just his girlfriend. You are the mother of his children and his pregnant wife.
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (4 April 2013):
 I know that you are suffering with your deployment grief too and on top of another's it can be doubly difficult...but are you really surprised that she wants her only son home, that she still considers him her baby? These are pretty common things to say about your child, no matter how grown up he is. Hate to be a jerk, but how distraught would you be if your child was overseas, I assume in a combat zone? {If it's not a combat zone then...yea she's a little out of control.}Her worrying is normal. If you feel overwhelmed by it, or impatience is growing, contact your sister in law and ask if she can check in on mom a little more often to shoulder the load and say you're concerned about how she's handling your husband's deployment. Also, is MIL's husband still in the picture? reach out to him as well.
I would be upset as a mother if the person I gave birth to wasn't calling me much in such a dangerous or distant location. So of course she's plumbing you for every fact. I'm sure that bill talk was just an excuse to get him to talk about stuff. sometimes it's hard, especially if you haven't talked to someone in a long time, to know where to pick back up. while you've been talking fairly regularly to your man, she has MAIL to talk to because it's the only thing the two have in common right now. Give the poor woman a break. Also, ok so she's not willing to go to your PARENT'S HOUSE, how is that the same as YOU visiting HER? I mean, how old is this lady, should the burden really be on the elderly/grandmother to make visits happen?
The eggshells thing...makes sense to me considering you "get to dislike her more and more."
You could consider being PROACTIVE with her. Beating her to the punch. Calling her up before she calls you up and blab on and on and on about your husband. And THEN she might be willing to throw you and your children a bone. Blood comes first.
experience: gf w/bf who had 2 deployments (but, no overbearing mom situation ;) ).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): Yes. My mother in law is crazy and even worse than yours! Your mother in law at least communicates with you even if just to see how her son is doing. My bf's mother refuses to talk to me or allow me in her home. And she puts lies about me in my boyfriends head, twisting my intentions and motives around to fit her agenda. Which is to have full control over her baby. She meddles in our life in affairs that don't concern her and it boils her blood and she throws fits anytime she finds out me and my boyfriend are getting more serious, eg, living together, plans of marriages, him helping me in anyway, like people in adult relationships do. Even going so far as stalking my family members on people finder and calling them to bitch about me. And he is 37! But her own actions have given her away and everyone knows she's crazy and up to no good. If I were you I would write an email to her and forward it to both her and your husband and call her out on all the lies you know she makes. About you not visiting her, etc. And explain how you just did on this forum how you feel. And what you feel is really going on. You got to call her out. That's what I did with my boyfriends mom. After she went as far as she did I wrote her an email and completely called her out on all her lies. She was stunned and left speechless. She could not even respond properly because she had no way of defending herself from her heinous behavior and intentions. She's never bothered me again. My boyfriend told me that she has never said anything about me since I wrote her that email. Implying I put her in her place. That's what you need to do. Put her in her place. Do so tactfully so she can't hold anything against you. I made her look like the complete fool that she is. But here's the secret: I did so very tactfully. I was so tactful and so calm and dished it out to her so eloquently and rationally...she was blown away. She knew she couldn't compete with that. She knew I was no fool and she could no longer get away with her absurdity. I'm a grown woman. I don't need some crazy, intrusive, delusional woman trying to ruin my relationship and make my life difficult. Neither do you. Let her cry. You HAVE to stand up to her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): You put your health and the well-being of your growing fetus above anything else. You have other kids to look out for, and you don't need drama from your MIL. She is his mother; therefore, she is in the mind-set that this station places her above anything else in his life. She competes with you, as his wife. She has a selfish and twisted perception of the whole scheme of things.She maintains this position because everyone puts up with her to keep the peace. She'll put on her crown, and become a drama-queen to pit your husband against you. He is put in the middle, not doing what a husband should do. He reinforces her bad behavior, and bends to her whining and bitchiness.He has to man-up and see to the security of his family. He has to honor his wife. He's not just a soldier. He is a father and a husband. It is partially his fault. Leaving his mail to go to his mother has to be changed. Insist on it.Inform your own parents that she's becoming too much to handle in your condition, and ask that they start screening calls. Get back to her, only when you can emotionally handle it. Be kind when she is respectful. When you're upset, let her know then and there. Excuse yourself, and end the call.Sit down and write her a letter. Inform her of everything that you explained in your post. Inform her of how you feel she treats your children (who are also a part of her son); and how you feel she treats you. You are a mother too. That gives you equal rights. The heck with her crying and BS.Don't tell your husband until the poop hits the fan. This lady needs a piece of your mind and a dose of reality. You should notify his mother, every time you hear from your husband. Call and let her know when he calls and that he is okay. Let her know you will be sure to always do that. Make a copy of any family pictures of you, your husband, and the kids all together. Mail it with your letter.Dress up on a Sunday. Get the kids together, and take them to see grandmother. Say not one foul word, no attitude, and kill her with kindness. If she brings up the letter in a negative way, tell her you brought the kids to see their grandmother. Group them up if she misbehaves or gets dramatic, and leave. Take your mother with you. It helps to gang up when your MIL is a bully. Unless you mother is afraid of her too? No arguments in front of the kids!!!You have to take control to run your home while your husband is away. You must seek family counseling on the base in order that you will gain the courage and strength to take control of your household mail, and force cooperation from your husband while he is absent from the household. You can't hide behind being too fragile.Military wives are tough.You have to learn to be immune to your MIL's tantrums and drama. You must demand your husband's cooperation in order to keep your family together while he isn't there to deal with her. You must use your parents as a shield and source of moral support until you're on your feet.Being a coward complaining in a corner will not save your family. You have to be strong for the sake of your kids, and it will give your husband the added sense of trust and security that he needs, to stop depending on his mother when he is deployed. You haven't proven to him that he doesn't need his mommy. She misses him? Well you miss him too darn it. Put the brakes on her walking all over you.You inform that woman that in order for you to help her, she has to help you. You both have to suffer missing him when he is gone. You both have to come to compromise for the sake of the children, and you refuse to have it any other way. She gives you no respect because she thinks you don't deserve it. Don't wait for her to give it. Take it.Sometimes you have to stand up to life, your parents, and your in-laws. That is survival. Wimps are consumed in their fear.You are a military wife. There is nothing tougher than the spouses left behind. Soldiers need to know everything is okay when they're not there. The spouses have to learn to be resourceful and keep the family in tact until they get home; and how to survive if they don't. You suffer every day by yourself. Until you put your MIL in her place, she will add to it. If your husband sides with her knowing when you are right; it's your fault for marrying the wrong guy. Your hormonal changes during your pregnancy make you vulnerable and over-sensitive. But you're only pregnant for 9 months.He is contributing to the problem by having his mother in your family business. You been a wimp for not insisting that it be set up with you getting everything where you are.You live with your parents not only for financial reasons, but you're running from your MIL.If you handle the bills poorly, I know that spouses of soldiers are offered program assistance in this area. You have to use available resources and show you are capable of handling things on your own. If you don't know how to handle your household budget and you've done a lousy job in the past; your husband doesn't trust you.Get some financial planning advice. Grow a pair, and take control of things until your partner gets home to share responsibilities. Stand up to his mother. Him too, when you have to.What have you got to lose?
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