A
female
age
30-35,
*iera
writes:Ok, this might be long just as a pre-warning. I'm not really sure what I am asking here, just people's opinion of it really. A few years ago I had a really messy break up and honestly thought I would be alone for the rest of my life. It took me a long time to get over him and when I finally did and managed to love myself again and be happy on my own I met someone straight away and in all honesty it really annoyed me. It sounds corny but I just looked at him and it was as if there and then I just completely fell for him. I was pretty sure it wasn't lust because he isn't/wasn't attractive and when I spoke to him he was really rude. Anyway, time went on and I just couldn't stop thinking about this guy and I had no idea why he had suddenly made such a big impact on my thoughts. A few weeks later I was on a night out and bumped into him again, I caught him stirring at me really intensely, as the night progressed he kept trying to get my attention but I was 'playing it cool' eventually we did speak but nothing happened. Afterwards we kept in contact online, he asked me to meet up with him for the day but then cancelled a few days later. we still spoke everyday and eventually seen each other a few months later. When that happened he was being so nice and kind to me, and i had such a good time but i got majorly freaked out and sort of ran away from him and ignored him the next day. I tried to apologise to him but he was having none of it and told me that i didn't mean anything to him anyway. We met up again, but this time he ran off on me saying he couldn't stand me blowing hot and cold all the time (which I always thought he was the one doing that,one min paying me loads of attention, the next none) Anyway I tried and tried to get things back to the way they was but I couldnt and he told everyone he had just used me and I meant nothing. We cut contact for a while but he come running back. We agreed to meet up again and things went really well for a few months then all of a sudden everything stopped, he stopped talking to me, I found out eventually that his friend was causing trouble, spreading rumours, telling me one thing and him another. Eventually he fell out with his friend and come around. It seemed to make him want me and want to try things out properly. But I got paranoid that he was just 'using' me and that i meant nothing (what his friend had kept telling me) and that i was just a joke hanging on a thread. He asked me to be his gf and I got freaked out and said no. It still didn't end though. This time I got him back, we met then he messaged me and told me that he didn't want a relationship because I wasn't his type so I cut contact. My friends had been begging me to do this because it had been going on for two years at this point and it was the same story over and over again. But I had been sort of happy with us not being too seriousI finally moved on and started seeing a nice guy. But I kept bumping into original guy everywhere and I dont know its hard to explain, he only had to look at me and i wanted him back. I ignored it all at first even though he was constantly trying his hardest to get my attention. Eventually I went back to him, I just couldn't seem to ever resist him. Its like if he ends it with me he can be so brutal and horrid but I end up winning him back, and vice versa. It's like some horrible giant game that is never ending. We never seem to be on the same wave length or its a race to see who can reject one before the other. He started telling everyone that I mean nothing and that's why we aint together and in the back of my mind I believed him because otherwise why would things be so difficult? .So I bump into him a few months after. We make friends because he chased me back, his friend who was causing trouble was telling me that my guy is going around calling me names but his friend was telling him that I was seeing other guys, Which i wasn't. I get my guy on his own and I finally sit down and ask him what is happening with us and that i am sick to death of playing games. He just shrugged so I walked out. A few days later I went to him again, we both sat down and agreed that we needed to let go of each other, that we would always remain civil but it was best to delete each others contact details and get on with life. I found out a few months later that he had got a gf which completely destroyed me but gave me the push to move on myself and get a boyfriend. I then found out that he hadn't really got a gf, that he had spread the rumour to me to make me think he had one because he thought I must have a boyfriend, by the time I found out the truth I was already with my boyfriend so I let it go. I split up with my boyfriend a while ago (nothing to do with this) and its already started again. This is the third year of it. It is like we can't leave each other alone but can't be together either. When I'm ready to be with him he doesn't seem to want to be with me and when he's ready to make a go at things I just get freaked out and start ignoring him. I get to a point were I am happy just seeing him because I still have my normal freedom without having a full time boyfriend but then he gets so jealous and we end up falling out. No matter who tries to be the adult and stay away, we always go back to each other. I don't want this same mess carrying on forever. It has been three years now since all this began and in three years we've never been in a proper relationship for a reasonable amount of time. All his friends tell him he needs to let go of me and all my friends tell me I deserve better but I can't explain it. It doesn't look like it but I care about him so much, and when we do fall out he is still the first person I turn to for emotional support because he has always been there for me in that way. He does look out for me and protects me. But I hate him so much at the same time, I don't know what the hell we have got going on? Are we using each other? Or is there something there? My heads constantly thinking about it all trying to figure it out. We lean on each other but can never have a serious conversation about 'us'. I think we are sort of using each other but I would really like to try being with him properly and I don't know if I can get us to that point again because I think we are trying to protect ourselves from rejection. I just don't know what to do. My friends think I am being stupid and wanting something I can't have but I can have him. I just want him for myself, for people to stop talking about us and to actually be able to be together and act like adults but we both seem to be as bad as each other. as i say i don't really know what im asking, just peoples thoughts and opinions I guess. His friends sort of look down on me because I come from a rough family and he doesn't and my friends don't like them because of that. I just can't let him go, I have tried and I can't. The feelings I have for him are so intense, I thought I had already experienced love but this is completely different. Times when he has left me I have coped with it because as silly as this sounds I know he is still out there, he exists in this world, and if he is happy then I am happy to let him carry on. But there's just this unexplainable thing between us. It's a constant love/hate relationship, there's nothing special about him what so ever. I wish I could rid all the beginning and stop myself from freaking out. I don't know whether I've hurt him too much or whether he genuinely hates me now.I know it doesn't sound like it but we are both in our twenties so we are not exactly teenagers, even if we are acting like it.
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female
reader, Diera +, writes (4 April 2013):
Diera is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with both of you to be honest. Truth hurts sometimes but I think you are right about maybe being addicted to the drama.
I'm going to cut all contact, again. & make sure I never ever go back there.
Thanks guys
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (4 April 2013):
 I'm not seeing AT ALL the love part of this. like you said, neither of you are ever on the same page. you never want to make a go of it at the same time. He likes the chase and the spiteful rejection, you like the obsession and the highs of the daylong honeymoon period that never ends because he keeps putting you lower than you were before so being accepted feels good again. I agree with the 'drama addict' comment. You crave the acceptance of him but you will never get it, and you will never give it. Too much broken trust on too little of anything else. Plus he sounds like a straight A-hole. Get out of the TOWN if you need to to move on. I'm serious that you need some kind of change that extreme. Stop bumping into him. Cut your grapevine contacts about his relationship status. If you haven't already, stop being friends with that middleman guy. Take at least 1 year by yourself...again. And when the first guy comes up to you...RESIST and CONTINUE to be by yourself until you think you can trust YOURSELF again, cause right now you're a pretty unreliable judge of character.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (4 April 2013):
Sorry, I didn't read your life story, but in don't think it matters to feel okay with my advice. You need to learn a lesson here. There is a thin line between love and hate when you don't have compatibility. In your case you obviously aren't compatible.
It's time to accept that and find someone else. You'll probably have a thing for this guy for years to come. Maybe you'll be happily married for ten years then he pops back into your life and all of a sudden your husband looks boring. That's just the way it is, but you need to recognize that the two of you aren't good together. You may even be addicted to the drama.
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