A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm looking for more advice - I am begging...I did it. I have finally confronted my husband to let him know how unhappy I am in our marriage. We argue about silly things. Mainly most recently due to our toddler growing up and how different we deal with her been corrected. For a long time when we have a disagreement or argument he gets hot headed and I always feel he shouts me down. He says he does it without realising it and now I'm beginning to see it when it comes to disciplining our daughter. I don't want her brought up in such a hostile environment. Things haven't been good. There is no emotion and I'm at a stage where I feel I cannot talk to him. I have noticed when I do try to voice it or talk about it, like even now there are a lot of 'I's. But don't I have a right to express my worries etc? Then there's the trust issue that goes way back. I have tried and tried so hard to put it behind me. He was basically sexting another girl: he swore on his moms grave that it was only texting- nothing physical. This was 2 years ago and our daughter was only 9 months old. I ended it for about a month but he begged me back. I told him he needed to prove himself to me. But now he continues to have very close bonds with females. I think I have every right to worry about these bonds- given his history with how friendships through messaging have ended up. I would like to add, any of these female friends- I have never met any of these. They are work colleagues so I have never really had reason to meet them. Am I psychotic and need to cop on or am I right to tell him that I feel we have nothing to fight for? I am torn apart inside and it gets me down. When I say I feel it is loveless and I feel neglected, he argues back that he feels the exact same that I don't show him love. How can I show him love when I have no confidence and feel so insecure? Now I don't know where we stand. Should we end it rather than try save it for the sake of our daughter
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (16 September 2015):
 Your trust in him is demolished and it's not going to get repaired unless you two figure out how to communicate. You have no confidence and feel insecure and apparently whatever has been happening isn't improving the situation.
I agree that getting a mediator in the form of a marriage counselor is a good idea. What do you have to lose at this point? Neither of you are communicating well and you don't trust him and he feels that lack of trust but doesn't know how or can't or refuses to fix it.
I'd also suggest parenting classes for both of you. You probably don't need them but he does and you need to be together in the class so that you both are on the same page.
Your daughter is less than 3 years old. If you two can't get together to figure out how to parent her and you characterize the environment as hostile the by all means, get her out of there.
There seem to be many conflicts here. Parenting differences are one and lack of trust is the other. The sad fact may be that he's just not a nice person and isn't going to be a good dad nor a faithful husband.
But you did choose him as a mate so.... why? How did it start and why did it go so wrong?
I'd definitely get some outside qualified help in figuring this out. It's your life, it's your daughter's life, and you should put in all your effort and energy into resolving this in the healthiest and least damaging way possible.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2015): Get some short-term marriage counseling for the sake of mediation. You have a child between you; so divorcing should be the last resort. Confront your differences with the aid of a referee.
You have issues with communication. He was raised in an environment where women have no authority or equality to men. You don't seem emotionally or psychologically equipped to show power and equality in your home. You made an attempt to confront him. He couldn't take you seriously; because it was so out of character. He knows you got some advice from somewhere. Nothing has changed. Take serious note of that. You've made an effort to save your marriage. If your efforts fail time and time again; that means you're the only one trying. He's got freedom on his mind, anyway.
It would seem you dated him and married him, in spite of his history with women. Your post indicates you are not the strong and assertive type. You are too passive for the type of man he is. He walks all over you, and you plead for him to treat you better. He can't. He's far from husband and father material. You thought you could change him, didn't you? You thought your tears and begging would make some kind of drastic impression, that would magically transform him into a better man. Didn't you?
Get the counseling. It allows both sides to talk; and to get directly to the point of their concerns and disagreements. Rather than screaming and yelling "at" each other; a moderator teaches you how to talk "to" each other. Most importantly, how to listen to each other.
If he refuses counseling, grow the nuggets to make a decision. You're right, you shouldn't raise a daughter in that kind of environment; because she's doomed to repeat it.
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