A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 30 year old woman, dating a 33 year old man. We have been together for four months now. My fear is that when we met I told him that "The stay together thing is not part of the relationship" as we are both christians and go to the same church. He agreed on that but after two weeks he started leaving my house after 10pm and was afraid to tell him that I can't stay up to that time because I normally sleep early. One day he asked whether he should spend a night at my house as it was late, I agreed to that knowing that maybe the following day he will visit and leave early, he did the same thing again. From then he has been sleeping at my house everyday,let me say staying because he brought some of his clothes at my house and barely goes to his house nowadays and my other issue is that from day 1 of our relationship he started eating at my house up to now. One day I asked him how does he survive at his house as he has made it a habit that he eats at my house yet he doesnt buy a thing for me and this is killing me.I am afraid to tell him that he should assist me financially as he does everything at my house because I dont want to hurt him. I asked him whether he in any financial problems he told me that he was fine yet i dont understand how he is spending his money because i am the one who buy groceries and toiletry that we normally use. I sometimes wonder what kind of life are we going to spend together because everytime I try by all means to show him that when you are with someone you have to show that you care for that person, I normally buy him some presents - perfumes and some clothes hoping that something will click in his mind. He normally accepts them, not even a thank you from him or to tell me whether he likes them or not. Yet he maintains that he loves me and wants to marry me. I am really having some second thoughts to this relationship as he doesnt posess the qualities i want in a man. Help me, how can I make him understand that he is not the type of man I want, without hurting him?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (20 September 2012):
 He's 33 and should know better.
Ciar hit it right on the head. You're dropping hints and hoping he "gets it" without you having to come right out and confront him. That has to end. You have to be direct and concise, and if you're not interested in him, then you need to break up with him, plain and simple.
You've been sending mixed messages. You resent his living with you and not paying for anything, yet you buy him gifts. You don't know whether or not you're wanting to be with him, yet you're a willing participant in discussions about your future.
Seriously, you've only been together for 4 months, MUCH too fast for him to be doing this kind of thing. I'd be feeling smothered and taken advantage of, and again, he's not some 18 year old who may have missed his course on social etiquette. You can't wait until he changes, because at 33, what he is is who you're going to live with for the rest of your life. You can't wait and hope he changes, because he won't.
You must confront him directly, and face the fact that you *will* hurt him, and it needs to be done. However, if you're sure that he's not the man for you, then your confrontation needs to be a breakup talk.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (20 September 2012):
 Of course he wants to marry you. Who wouldn't? Free accommodations, free food, gifts, affection, companionship...
The problem here is you have been dropping hints all over the place instead of coming right out and saying what is on your mind. You're going to have to work on that before you marry anyone. The kind of man you want wants a companion, a confident, capable and uncomplicated partner in life, not a mealy-mouthed servant.
I know you're trying to teach by example, but what you're actually teaching him is that you like doting on him and that he is entitled to everything he gets simply because he exists.
If you think this man is redeemable then I suggest you start small. Pick an area that is either easier for you to tackle or that causes you the most grief and address that first. Be cheerful, brief, direct and firm. The more you skirt around the issue, the more fuss you make of it, the more uncomfortable you're going to make him and the worse you're going to feel about saying it.
If you're considering leaving him then you have nothing to lose by being honest.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 September 2012):
 of course he has no financial problems you are supporting him.
do not worry about hurting him.
he is using you and he will be very upset when this ride with you ends... he's got it good
food
clothing
shelter
sex
etc.
text him and tell him that you can't see him tonight you are busy. then BE busy.
IF he has a key to your house change the locks and do not tell him.
if he shows up (and does not have a key) do not answer the door or the phone.
then when things calm down meet him in a neutral place (with all his stuff that he's left at your place in tow) to return his stuff and tell him that you no longer can have the type of relationship he is hoping for.
scary stuff to do
but if you do not do it, you will get sucked into this mess with him deeper and deeper and then it gets harder and harder to end it.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (20 September 2012):
 Just tell him how you feel. What else can you do?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2012): He needs to pay. If that hurts him the so what...you are a generous person. Often times that is taken advantage of. Don't let that happen. No real man will put his loved ones in financial jeopardy.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 September 2012):
 Why would you worry about hurting him ? he is not that worried about your financial and emotional well being, is he ?
Just kick him out. Not only because he is a moocher, but also because he did not respect your boundaries, and wormed his way into living with you, taking adavantage of your good heart and evident lack of assertiveness. Now, it's true that the responsibilito look after your interest is only yours, but it's also true that a man in love would not have acted this way, would not have insisted for something you are against , just because you are weaker and he is stronger and cheekier.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (20 September 2012):
 Hi
I wouldn't worry about hurting him, look after yourself. The situation has got out of hand, he has slowly moved himself in without,I assume, asking you.
Relationships develop but you set no bounderies so he just did and does as he wants as you never object. Hence you have never discussed money or who was paying for what, so he has a free ride at your place,lucky man.
Pack up his things, tell him to go home,if you want to end the relationship tell him.Be honest its always best
If you just want your space back, tell him and also tell him you can no longer afford to feed him and pay for everything.
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