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How can I know if my husband is gay or not?

Tagged as: Gay relationships, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 March 2015) 5 Answers - (Newest, 2 April 2015)
A female Poland age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have been happily married for 13 years now. I have always had great sexual experience with my husband. I only felt it was not as often as I would want. I recently suspected he might be a gay??? there were several signs of it to me. Most shocking for me was I realized he was sort of making weird complements to a man when he was drunk, he also sent to that man some weird text messages like - 'we love you', 'I had no mood to sing without you...' I tried to hint to him that I have doubts - obviously without saying to him what I think not to be offensive (meaning that he has been lying to me), but he brought up the topic recently himself saying that you are always in some kind of fears that I am gay and started to explain he is not. We have very satisfying sex still now, he is very caring husband, but these fears or doubts do not leave me and I am finding more and more 'evidence' to these. How can I really know or guess if he is gay or not? I am really afraid to take steps that can destroy our relationship -- and showing distrust to him can only do bad to our marriage. I would never stay with him if I would learn he is being dishonest to me, at the same time, if he is not, it would be difficult for him and for me to continue as if we have not had these talks and the confusions... Please advise.

View related questions: drunk, text

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (2 April 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI have to agree that the examples you have given doesn't say "GAY!!" at all.

The fact that he CAN maintain a HETEROSEXUAL sex-life with YOU for 13 years, pretty much (to me at least) say that he IS NOT gay. Could be that he is bi-curious, but most BI curious people (specially adults) do NOT satisfy that curiosity. It might be part of their "fantasy life" but not their reality.

YOU need to STOP accusing him. He has said no, I'm not gay. It's rude and emasculating.

Let's say for a minute that it's ALL in your mind. WHERE does that leave your marriage?

If this ONE guy rubs you the wrong way and he is a friend of your husband, why not TALK about it? My husband had a friend who was a misogynistic pig (to be POLITE) and I didn't like him or wanted to be around him. I told my husband that he could have his friend, but the dude WAS NOT welcome in our house when I was home, nor did I want him around the kids as I got a nasty vibe from him. Guess what? The guy was caught with a minor (he was 30 and her soccer coach, she was 14) - after that I think my hubby saw him for what he was.

Talk to him about that guy. See where it goes. BUT stop with the accusations, you have nothing to BACK it up with.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2015):

Thanks your replies!! It made me feel at ease little bit, I am ok with anything that is open and honest. I just dont want after years from now to find out that our 'happy marriage' in fact was fake. All I need is honesty. Yes, I agree that the social background of us it putting great pressure on those who are not straight. We have seen a lot of denial situations around us. I recently came across with the [a blog where the husband is out as gay but stays with his wife.]

I would be deeply depressed if I would one day realized that I have been living with the person who because for any reason whatsoever would force himself live with me. I am sure he loves me and I am also crazy about him. I want him to be happy and I would like to relieve myself from all these doubts and fears. He needs to be open - he says he is. I start to think it is all invented by me and feel normal but than again this gut feeling and what I hear and see in relation to that other guy is bringing me back to these thoughts that hurt deep...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2015):

Believe me even the most heterosexual men get attracted to other men sometimes. It has happened to me a couple of times before. Not the urge to have sex with them but a certain pseudo sexual feeling enough to make me act silly around them, and I know my self, I am 100% heterosexual who have never been with anyone other than the opposite sex.Could it be some latent and mysterious feminist attraction in the opposite guy that attracts us?

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A female reader, WhenCowsAttack United States +, writes (1 April 2015):

Your husband is not gay. He is able to enthusiastically maintain a "great" sex life with you.

He may well be bi or bi curious, who knows? In my opinion the instances you have posted are not proof of any sort. And if he is, he will never ever tell you, as it appears you shame him over sexuality. Why do people do this? Horrible in my opinion.

If you believe he is cheating on you then do something about it. Otherwise lay off.

I have bi tendencies. My husband has bi tendencies. So what? We love EACH OTHER and are committed to one another for life. Who gives a crap if I watch lesbian porn on occasion and he likes gay porn on occasion? Has nothing to do with our marriage or commitment.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (1 April 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntYou have asked. he said no.

you have a great sex life... and a good life in general..

it's possible he's bisexual and being married means "forsaking all others"

do you think he's cheating?

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