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I feel so lost and don't know where to turn!

Tagged as: Family, Marriage problems, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 March 2015) 3 Answers - (Newest, 1 April 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, *oodles301 writes:

Hi...I'm in such a mess right now that I honestly don't know how to solve....2 years ago I was in a relationship with a guy that I loved very much...we had problems and I came to the conclusion that it was best to call it a day after 4 years...BIG MISTAKE....about 3 months after I met a fella at work and we started seeing each other...he recently separated from his wife...I should have stayed away but didn't...anyway 6 weeks in I find out I'm pregnant...I was well protected or so I thought..had a coil in for a year at this stage...he was over the moon bout it...but I wasn't...I have 2 kids from a previous marriage in my early 20s and never thought of having anymore...while pregnant I realised I was still in love with my ex :( but at the same time he found out he was going to be a daddy 2 by a one night stand..

we both went on to have our babies...born 2 months apart...we never stopped talking and hes just as in lovye with me as I am with him..I don't love my partner and have tried to make it work...and I mean really tried!!! but my heart was never his...hes a great dad and a lovely man and I wish I loved him as life would be less complicated...I live in misery..wake up wishing I was with my ex every single day and he feels the same...both trapped...both feeling guilty... and both so scared of what to...my ex lives in the same village which makes it even harder...I made a mistake by leaving him and am now paying an awful price...I can't go on lying to myself...I don't talk to anyone about this...its all trapped inside me and I'm gona crack soon...last thing I want is to hurt anybody...its not my nature...I pretend I'm OK when I'm far from it...I want to be happy...I want to feel human again and not like a robot...I adore my kids...the oldest 2 have a great relationship with their dad...my ex husband...as do I...my 3rd child's dad..

my current partner...is aware I'm struggling and I wish all the time he would leave me so I don't have to be the one who breaks a family up again...I'm so so lost and don't know where to turn...

View related questions: at work, my ex, one night stand, trapped, want to be happy

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A male reader, Fionnlagh New Zealand +, writes (1 April 2015):

Fionnlagh agony auntHello. My answer will read as something harsh, but it's for the benefit of you. I hope you interpret it as such.

All the encouragement and well wishes from kindly strangers will not influence your predicament or the children's lives you have brought into the world. Refocus your frame of mind on you and what you want from the man you are with, not the man you aren't with. If you are truly unable to take affirmative action and can't envision doing so, then I would seek professional help by way of a marriage counselor or couples therapy, so there can be a place and person to facilitate and mediate the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing. Not doing anything and living with your guilt will never make you feel any better, and ending an existing relationship to start another only proves that you have no idea about what it takes to maintain one. It is a cycle you will never know the end of.

I understand your feelings towards your former lover, but he has his own worries to deal with without someone else and three more children to complicating his life, and vice versa of course. You two may just be two peas in a pod together, but chances are and more likely, outside of your mental love affair neither one of you are prepared for any real world consequences. Part of life means having to deal with our decisions and behaviours. Having sex is not without its risks, and it is a risk you chose to take with another man, who evidently loves you. You can't escape that. And you will not find an easy answer on here that will tell you how. Because that is what it means to be loved. To reiterate; having sex was your decision to make alone, but relationships aren't. So my advice would be to concentrate on YOUR present life, and the man whose child you gave birth to, first and foremost. He cares about you and is in the position to prove that, how ever long it takes. Leave your fantasies and ex in the past were they belong. If you truly intend not to hurt anyone, then don't. All in all, seek professional guidance if you can't handle or understand responsibility.

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A female reader, noodles301 United Kingdom +, writes (1 April 2015):

noodles301 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thank you honeypie :) its such a messed up situation...I do very much love my ex...its like a part of me is missing everyday...my partner deserves so much more than this...even without my ex in the picture I still wouldn't want to be with my partner..we have nothing in common...I don't fancy him...when we got together I was on the rebound...didn't realise it at the time but boy I do now...finding the courage to tell him its over is so difficult...and even then I don't know if I can cope financially with 3 kids...13..10 and 1...head is all over the place

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 April 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI think you need to address your current relationship. IF you ARE NOT happy with this guy, IS IT fair to HIM to keep him around? You would NOT be breaking up a happy family by ending it. Because? it's not a family. It's two people who created a life together, one who is still? married and one who is still living in her past.

If think if you and your ex are OH SO much in love, you would find a way to make that work, instead of this emotional affair you two are having behind BOTH your partner's backs.

To be crude.. It's SHIT or get off the pot time.

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