A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear All,I'm married to a British man(I'm Indian) and we have 2 children under 4yrs of age. We have lots of arguements atleast one every day. Just one for example: I have bought water/liquid absorbing doormat(light green,one of those JML magic carpet/doormat) for the front door, which according to my husband doesn't match the carpet(light orange or brown). So he recently bought a newone with some bristles(doesn't absorb water, like the backdoor doormat that gets rid of dirt from muddy shoes, which is dark brown with light orange squares inside. I suppose this matches the carpet nicely enough). But my preference is, when it rains I don't want the carpet to be dirty when we enter the house, so I said we should have my doormat. But, he says, angrily, that we can't b'se it doesn't match with the carpet and that we can take off shoes before entering the house. This isn't a problem if it's just we 2. When I bring my son back from the nursery with my 1yr old daughter in the pushchair, he can't take his shoes off just at the door step (mind you we are talking about during the rain), he would straightly run inside, but he would wipe his shoes off. The problem here is, I can't leave my daughter in the rain trying to make his shoes. If I try to sortout my daughter first(like put her inside safe and put the pushchair in the garage), my son run straight onto the road(more dangerous thing). And when there are dirtmarks on the carpet my husbands gives me all badwords angrily,when he comes back home. And he keep saying that I'll have to pay for the carpet cleaning etc. using my redundancy money(He also said the same when my son drew with crayons,pens and pencils on the wall. I tried to stop him, I have been hiding them each and every time. But, my son would get hold of that one odd one somewhere in the reach, that too left by my husband, or he even learnt to use the stool to get to them. He is good now-a-days though, became bit more aware not to draw on walls. ) To me I just need whichever is practical to keep the carpet clean. I couldn't get a matching one that fits in our doorway when I bought that JML doormat. Moreover my husband wants his choice of doormat and still want to scold me angrily when the dirt comes in. Even when he brings my son in from outside, he scolds me to sort my son out, saying "you just stand there(before he even used to say stand like lemon)while I'm struggling here". This is not just one issue even to think that this problem will be gone after a few months, but there will be another hundred then. even just writing about it gives me that agony and tears. I think I just can't take any more. I want some peace in my life and respect which he hardly gives to me or any other woman. Well, my redundancy money also has been another issue. When I got the cheque of half my redundancy money, my husband gave the cheque to his mother to be paid into our joint account, before even asking me or telling me. I didn't even open the envelope, b'se of being busy with 2 children cooking etc..household chores. I only came to know about it when I came downstairs one of the nights when I couldn't sleep and wanted to check whether the office has given me the exact amount and if they have attached any letter etc. and I found the receipt somewhere in a book and the empty envelope in the paper recycle bag.I've made it clear to my husband that I won't be giving a single penny of my redundancy money to him or for the house. B'se I needed money for my driving lessons, to go to India along with my 2 children and for a laptop( everything in £2000.)I have given until then all my bonus pays my salary to my husband in our joint account.(he even threatened to divorce me if I didn't close my individual bank account. b'se according to him a wife and husband should only have a joint account. but I just kept stubborn) My driving lessons too are an issue I have had in 2004 20 lessons once and after at least one year gap when I went to have some more the instructor said I should have 30 more lessons before I could book the test. But according to my husband he has spent enough money on my driving lessons, even though that money was from my salary. Which is why I just want to keep my money to myself so that to him it looks as though he hasn't paid and I have paid for my driving lessons myself. I don't spend even a single penny for the beauty parlours/hair cut / nails. Don't go to gym.just don't spend anything on myself except for some office clothes and I buy all my other clothes in India for which my father gives me money. My husband has got at least 2/3 credit cards the account of which he never discloses to me and rips off the credit card statements immediately and he spends everything on the credit cards but keep paying the credit card off from the joint account(he has no individual bank account of himself). But, the thing is I never know how the money from the joint account is spent, b'se he never showed me the cr/card statements. When I ask he says that he is not stupid or not spending lavishly or not on things which we shouldn't be spending.(this is doesn't answer my doubts) I Have even stopped going to the temple, b'se he thinks some people at the temple are giving him bad looks, b'se he is white and is with me and Indian lady. But, I think that is just natural for people to stare at least few seconds when they see an odd couple like us. And he puts his grumpy face on and cursing the other motorists or talks angrily/funnily to me if we have a conversation. It seems I can just go on and on about all those arguements. I just can't take it any more. All that I want is to live my life with respect without being bulleyed and to be in control of my own life. But, I just keep thinking about my children. My husband says he will fight for the custody of the children. Sometimes I even think I could let go off my children, but, he just puts my son infront of the TV all day(literally all day) on weekends he brings him down and put the cbeebies on for him even before breakfat.Only after so many arguements he is now-a-days waiting atleast until breakfast. And when he come home from office he doesn't want being disturbed from the computer/internet by my son and puts him infront of the TV again, something which I have tried to hard not to do even while I was getting on with housework and cooking, all my efforts are just being wasted in just few minutes. And the worse is he wants him to goto his parents on saturday afternoons and even my mother-in-law puts him infront of the TV/dvds of Thomas tank engine mr.men bob the builder and what not. My son is only 3 yrs, while the research shows under 3's shouldn't watch TV(even babytv) for reasons that their neurons are still developing and the neural networks don't form properly with watching TV and for the fear of attention deficit/hyper active syndromes. I have fished the internet and have sent my husband by e-mail too. All that he wants is that my son shouldn't wreck the place. He has so many toys, half his last year christmas toys(which my husband bought to fill up that stocking) are still unopened in the garage. And those opened have never been assembled properly and are half broke already.My husband even looks at porn, which he knows that I know(I have confronted him on that), for which too he blames me. B'se I'm not giving him that service as much as he wants or as often as he wants he watches porn it seems. But I suppose he has this habit since long before even he met me. B'se I have come across some indecent images in his old computer and asked him why they are there, for which he said he was not the only one using that computer at his home before our marriage.Well he was the only son(his brother left home atleast 2 yrs back) at home left during that time and I don't expect his mother or sister looking at such things and his father hardly uses that computer or doesn't use that PC at all(his father must have had enough at office with the computer and work). and this is the man(my husband) wants to join the church and will be starting to study for his deaconship this september.All that I want to know is how easy is it to get the custody of my children and to look after myself and children after the breakup. I have no family(literally no other family or relatives) and friends that can help me even for short stay. I even need to find a job and attend interviews(who will look after my children when I need to go for the interviews. once I get a job I can arrange for the nursery, but until then to me it's a costly business) and make sure that working is economical for me alone. I'm thinking of taking up teaching profession, for the sole reason so that I could be home when my children come back from school and during school holidays. I 'm thinking to get trained to teach, even though I have a masters degree)I'm not a british citizen( something I didn't takeup for emotional reasons, though I have no bad feelings against the british/british citizens.). I just don't know how to come out of this trap. This is something bugging me each and every single day and niggling in my mind half the day.Any advise or guidance is greatly appreciated.Thanks in advanceone harassed lady
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male
reader, RAINORFIRE  +, writes (17 July 2009):
 this is so sad i cant see my self treating a wife that way, you should watch the movie enough, you have to step up let your husband kno your not putting up with his bs anymore,start planning now go take your road test not being able to drive is a major obstacle you shouldnt need so many road lessons that driving school is ripping you off, your husband should have been giving you lessons to begin with.Wear something nice to your road test if you hve a male instructor flirt a little if its a female just tell her how bad you need your license so you can leave your abusive husband and try your best, you should take some self defense classes to get in shape boost your confidence and who knows your husband might get violent or send thugs after you when you leave dont shelter your chilldren from his abuse so when its time to leave there as ready to go as you they have to be onboard to some extent to make it easier dont worry about trauma chilldren are pretty resilient they migth not want to be around there father but why should they be around some one like that anyway. make freinds ie look for support groups in your community temple etc get a lawyer or attorney your gonna need some one who knows the laws and save up plenty of money get a bank acount this guy doesnt kno about. you gottsa be smart and plan this out it seems like alot but in the end it should pay off if you plan good just grit your teeth and bare him for now let us kno how things work out
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2009): ThanQ Happy24birthday. This is just what I thought should do(wait until I'm secure financially and jobwise). But, day by day I'm getting stressed and many timesI just feel as if just want to walk out with my children. But, I have no other place to go.This is just eating me!Thanks a lot
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A
female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (15 July 2009):
 I don't know anything about how things work over there, so I can't help you out with the custody issue. As far as your employment status goes, you need to get all that straightened out before you leave. Have a plan and make sure you're going to be able to take care of yourself and your children financially.I live much the same as you. Nothing my son or I do is good enough or right. He speaks angrily and does many of the things your husband does. It's not a fun life for sure. Just wanted you to know that you're not the only one out there suffering.
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