A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I want to know how can I take my mind off things from my girlfriend. She had sex with t different guys before she met me and several times with them but now I'm with her and since she told me I really got mad. It gave me the bad picture of thinking what type or girl she is and it broke me apart. Before we plan on having sex but ever since she told me that I don't want to anymore because of who she done it before, I really love her with all my heart. I want to know what can I do to take my mind of these things? And how to prevent me from having sex with her?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): The sure fire way to your problem is to find a woman that will give you peace of mind. She obviously can't. Past is past. That is true. But the future is determined by the past.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2011): Not all men care. There are vary degrees of opinions. But men do care much more than women on average.
Men care more because evolution makes us that way. We have no more control over it than women have control over their feelings about their man looking at porn for example. Evolution does not care if these feelings are outdated today.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 November 2011):
 Says who ? You.
You are entitled to your opinions of course but please do not assume that you are speaking on behalf of the whole male universe and don't project your personal quirks and insecurities on a majority of people who does not dream of sharing them.
Nearly everybody comes with a past, most men can handle that effortlessly . The minority that can't should be smart enough to only take up with totally inexperienced girls.
The cheating issue is different, cheating is cheating and if you two were already together and she was still doing sexual stuff with other guys, she has been cheating on you, even if there was no intercourse. What she did before you does not concern you, what she did AFTER meeting you , does. The problem here is not as much getting rid of your mental images,as deciding how do you feel about dating an untrustworthy person : should you or not ?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2011): Well most of the above posted males, I want to tell you something, it is easy to suggest someone 'to forget her past history and move on' but if you go through his exact situation you can't tolerate, sorry but this is the truth and above posted females, they can never understand this because females view of thinking will be totally diffrent from males, which I have seen many posts here. Most important thing is, all need to understand that no male can tolerate his women sleeping with someone no matter when, where how etc.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (9 November 2011):
 i can understand how you feel, it is the thought of some other guy touching the girl you care for, love , and put up on a pedestal. if not a pedestal but a place were things in your life are special, things that are important are not set next to the trash can i can relate to your story , i dated a girl years ago she was a virgin. i dated her when i was 20 years old . we broke up , and got back together just under two years later. we got back together , after many tears she gave me her story. while we was apart she was with seven or eight guys she had sex with. it tore my heart out, and still does . i chose not to have sex with her until we married. if i would have chosen to have sex with her after i had discovered her past , sex would have been no more special than it would have been with her other partners she was with. we have been married close to 29 years, and i love her. i chose her because i did not want anyone else in the world to spend my life with. yes it hurts that she was with other guys, it hurts bad, very bad. but i love her and would have married her again if i had it all over to do again. i believe it would have been easier if i had not met her as a virgin. i understand how you feel and your not alone, there is a lot of other guys that feel the same way about the women in there life's that have similar story's and it is painful to them also. my wife was young and she looks back with regrets ,has said has said she did a lot of things she wish she would not have done. looking back we all wish we could do some things over and do things different . maybe your girlfriend has regrets that hurt her deeply . all i am saying if you love her take your time and give love a chance. you can ask yourself one question ( is she the person you cant live without, or is she just someone you could maybe just live with and be o.k. with.)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is the problem at the start she was home with another guy while being with me and she wad about to have sex with him. She didn't had sex with him though but she let him kiss her and touch her. But when I found out she told me the reason why she didn't had sex with him she said she had a feeling that he only wanted sex only and leave her. That why she didn't let him but the reasons wasn't cause of me and it breaks me apart and that's why it makes think she a girl I didn't expect she would be. And if I should not let it get in the way so how can I forget about it and try not to think about that picture?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 November 2011):
 I agree with Chigirl... I think it best that you let her go...
as a woman who has had multiple sex partners I can tell you that those in my past are never in my head when I am with my current partner...
the past is not fixable it is what it is... IF you can't let it go... then you need to let her go.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 November 2011):
 Well, if it's about her patterns of sexual relationships that trouble you then I think it is best if you let her go. I mean I'm no prude myself or anything, but I wouldn't want to date someone who's had a past including things that go against my values. For example if they have cheated, or been with several people at the same time (two timing), or want to have sex right away without it meaning anything. If I wanted a casual relationship then such an attitude would be ok, but if it is someone I want to consider serious I need them to consider me seriously as well, and not want to jump in bed all too easily.
Then again, it comes down to the connection between them and me as well, if I feel I know them and can trust them or not.
I once had a boyfriend who I only found out after we had been together for a while, that he didn't know how many people he had slept with and that he had never used a condom in his entire life. Nor had he ever gotten tested. That sort of behaviour changed how I viewed him, and I could never be with such a man again. So yes, their values are important, and how they act isn't just about the "number", but other factors as well.
I wouldn't want to date a man-whore, who could have fathered any number of children without knowing it, and could be carrying any number of STD and spread it on without the slightest care in the world. That tells me a lot about how much they value not only other humans, but also me.
I don't know your girlfriends situation, but if her behaviour is going against your morals and values then you just got to tell her you are sorry, but can't be with her. You can't change the past and it will always bother you, unless she has seriously improved and shown that she has changed and that you trust her.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (8 November 2011):
No no no, you don't love her. Not yet.
If you continue in the relationship, and come to accept her past without it negatively affecting the way you treat her, that will be love.
At the moment you are highly attracted to her and want her to be yours. Your mind can't get over the fact other guys have already "had" her.
Nothing will change the past, only your own maturity can change how you see what has happened.
Perhaps despite all your feelings for this girl, she is not the one who can make you happy. Maybe you need to find a girl who has not yet lost her virginity.
Remember that she did not have sex in the past to hurt you, so do not hurt her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2011): I think that she was very honest and adult about her sexual history and that in itself should speak about her character. She didn't have to go into detail with you but I am suspecting that you kept at her so she finally gave which was a means to dig a grave by your unfair judgements.
If you want to have a relationship with someone who is a 'virginal' then seek that but to be fair and just, you should be as well as if its about honesty- then you live that standard as well because that is what an honest person does.
However; you say you love her, then do so by act and thought by pushing out unfair, unjust judgements. As it seems you are drawn to create drama, tension and for what?
A healthier, adult approach begins within. Ever ask yourself why you would chose to be insanely jealous? Insecurity perhaps?
Excercise forgiveness. That is what we must do daily when we are in love. I could see if she was doing all of this while you were together but she is not.
Time to grow up. Remember her good qualities, write a letter to yourself about how much you value her, how she inspires good feelings in you. Read that letter whenever you feel your irrational jealousy surge up.
Its about re-training your thoughts so you are master over them and not them over you.
Peace Out!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2011): I don;t understand what your problem is. She didn;t cheat on you because you 2 were not together. Do you think she had a crystal ball that told her that you were going to be with her in the future and that she should wait to have sex because you want it that way. She made her decisions about her life based on what she knew at the time. That does not make her less of a person. What she did with anyone else before you and her were in a relationship is none of your business and you have no right to be angry about it. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are being harsh. If you really loved her, it wouldn;t matter to you what happened in her life before she met you. You need to learn self control, love is not about follwoing what your penis wants, but what your heart wants. Stop thinking about what she did with other guys, and concentrate on your own thoughts. You need to figure out exactly what you want. I agree with chigirl, if you only want to be a with virgin, then don;t have sex before marriage yourself, and don't divorce. You need to sort yourself out, focus on you and not on her past.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (8 November 2011):
 It is what it is. Accept it or move on - because you cannot change it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt gets me mad because it gives me the bad picture of her is not that I expect that I would be with a girl that's a virgin it that it looks like she would have sex with anyone that she is going out with. And I don't want that and if I were to have sex with her what the difference would it mean to her from The rest? it makes me think that she wants sex and gives me the bad image in my mind thinking she a girl that I didn't expect she would be.
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A
male
reader, crazybeast +, writes (8 November 2011):
 I'm guna be blunt... Near everyone has a history! All that matters is what's happening now not before... If she isn't being a floozey now then I don't see the problem, you loved this girl before but why not anymore? Nothing has changed.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 November 2011):
How can you say you love her when you do not like the type of girl she is? Is it platonic love? Do you care for her, but perhaps only as a friend now?
There is no trick to "how to prevent you from having sex with her". You just DONT. Self control. You do not think with your penis. If you do not want to have sex with her because of her having had sex before then don't have sex with her... It's that simple.
Why does it bother you that she has had sex before? You are planning to have sex with her, you were going to at least, so wouldn't that make you just the same as her? Exactly why did you get mad? What did you expect? If you want a woman who has never had sex before then you can not have had sex before either, and you must wait until marriage and never divorce and never have sex with anyone else ever again. But if THATS what you want, howcome you are interested in having sex before you are married? It doesn't make sense.
Make up your mind about what is important to you, and why you feel the way you do. Things are only a problem once you make them into a problem, it all lies within your thought-system.
Wait with sex with her until you have gotten your thoughts sorted out. What did you expect from her, why did you react the way you did, and what are the reasons for how you feel, and what is it you are trying to achieve. Figure it out.
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A
male
reader, Htsn47 +, writes (8 November 2011):
 Retroactive jealousy is a thorny issue. You have to let it go. You can't let it matter to you. You say you love her - why does the knowledge that she's had sex with someone else in the past change that? She wasn't choosing that person over you - you didn't exist yet in her world. She wants to be with YOU now. That's the important part.
The myth of the pure and virgin partner is something you've just got to let go. A woman, just like a man, has every right to a sex life and shouldn't be judged on it. It doesn't make her cheap or unclean or a slut. If you love her, you have to accept her as a real person, not some idealized chaste fantasy.
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