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How can I face this girl and tell her that I lied? I'm a virgin too!

Tagged as: Sex, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 June 2011) 4 Answers - (Newest, 26 June 2011)
A male United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I'm a 21 year old male. I'm entering my senior year of college and am altogether a fairly normal person. I'm not tall, but certainly not short. Not an athlete, but I'm in excellent health. I'm not much a pickup artist, but I'm not exactly shy either.

Yet, despite going to a university famous for its party scene, attractive women and cutting edge research, I'm still a virgin. That's right, a 21 year old male virgin.

I'm not inexperienced by any means. Perhaps a bit slow, I didn't even have my first kiss until right before I turned 20. I know how to a please a woman in bed - just that when it came to going "all the way", I never got the chance. One girl dumped me outright because I was a virgin. Another girl kept on changing her mind, usually when I was literally about to enter her. A third girl was on a rebound from a bad relationship, and I decided I didn't want to go all the way with her, because she wasn't in an emotionally stable state.

So after three consecutive failures, I sort of gave up trying for a bit. I was catching flak from people for being 21 and still not getting laid. People relentlessly questioned me on why. I hated my personal life being put into the spotlight, so eventually, I started lying about my virginity and telling people that I'd had sex. Funny enough, people believed it. I kept up a facade of a non-virgin. Not necessarily a player, just someone who'd had sex at some point, because people stopped questioning.

The charade also worked on a girl in my class that I started dating.

This one is special, this is the first girl in years that I was genuinely interested in and pursued on my own accord, instead of having her conveniently come after me. I went through the process of telling her I liked her and asking her out. It worked. I really like this girl: she's attractive, smart, funny and most importantly, I can be myself around her.

As it turns out, she too is a virgin. Like me, she's no stranger to sexual activity (though interestingly, she claims she's never had an orgasm before). We've been dating since mid April, and we've fooled around, but never went all the way. I don't think she realizes that I'm actually a virgin, instead of the non-virgin I've been claiming to be...

I've kept up the lie for so long, I've grown used to it and occasionally, even fool myself into believing it's actually truth. Originally, it was to protect myself from embarrassment. Now, it's to maintain the facade she's known for months, even before we actually started dating.

Part of me wants to keep up the lie. If we do end up having sex, I'd just quietly lose my virginity. No questions asked, no awkward talk, all passes over and I can stop worrying.

Yet I also feel the need to tell the truth. I've let pride and insecurity rule me for over a year, and I hate myself for it. It's just that now, I'm finally realizing what kind of hole I dug myself into...I fear I may end up losing this girl. I'd be crushed if I lost her.

So, in the end, this question isn't so much about "How do I tell a girl I'm a virgin" as it is "How can I face a girl and tell her that I lied?"

I'm only human after all, and I told a seemingly harmless lie to protect myself from embarrassment...and now, I'm sick of the lie and want to come clean. But how?

View related questions: crush, orgasm, player, shy, still a virgin, university

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2011):

Okay, so first of all, a lot of guys get crap for being a virgin because they can't get girls or get incredibly nervous around girls. You are not one of these guys, you've been there, done that and are completely normal. But, you should come clean, because it will make you feel better and because this one is special. I would just tell her, 'I got sick of getting crap about it, just because I hadn't found the person I wanted to go all the way with (or however you would word it). But, you're special, and I wanted to tell you. I'm sorry I lied, (or) I'm telling you because you mean so much to me.'

I think you should tell her before, because otherwise it would be worse to find out after you guys had sex. Plus, she might respect you more, and feel more special about the event because she's a virgin too! I would focus on the point that she's different and special, not that things were getting messed up or what exactly happened each time in the past. I know I would have felt better if my first time was with a virgin. I wouldn't feel so nervous because I was the only one new at it... You guys can do this together, and be cool about it, don't freak out... I know it seems like something nerve-racking, (and trust me sex is important and a big deal) but it's not that different when you have fooled around and masturbated before, you know your body... and you'll feel better afterwards and more comfortable during! Good Luck!

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A female reader, Ima FreAk!  United Kingdom +, writes (26 June 2011):

Ima FreAk!  agony auntHiyaaaaa,

Definitely you should tell her! 100% straight up just say you know I told you that I wasn't a virgin... in actual fact I'm a virgin too and then tell her about what happened in your past with telling people your a virgin.

I doubt that she would leave you and even if she wanted to you can say well I'm "saving my virginity for someone special" that always works for girls 100% always work. In fact she will get really swooned by it.

Just tell her the straight up truth don't be embarassed because your a man for doing it and if she asked why did you lie just tell her the exact truth about your friends and exes and how they leave you and you didn't wanted to be left.

Hope my advice helps!

Good luck!

Lots of love,

Ima FreAk!

x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2011):

"I went through the process of telling her I liked her and asking her out" - that is soooo cute! Guys should do that more often. Now, about your problem, if this girl really likes you, she will understand if you explain it to her. Tell her everything you told us in your question. I'm sure she'll appreciate your honesty. Make sure to tell her you feel bad about lying to her and that you want to have an honest relationship with her, so even though you know she might get very upset, you decided to tell her the truth because she means so much to you. Since it will be the first time for both of you, it will be much more special if she is aware of that. Plus, she won't have high expectations if she knows it's your first time, so she won't be very disappointed it things don't go smoothly. Good luck!

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A female reader, lost.dreamer Canada +, writes (26 June 2011):

Anyone who has that strong of emotions for another can move mountains. I actually think you did an awesome job explaining it to us, now just tell her. I don't think you can live with the lie though, and maybe she will like the fact you are still a virgin. It's nice for your first time to be special for both parties.

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