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How can I be less possessive?

Tagged as: Cheating, Long distance, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 December 2010) 2 Answers - (Newest, 14 December 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My bf of 5 months is awesome: loving, caring, smart, open minded, and we match sexually like 2 pieces of lego blocks.

We are in love with each other pretty madly.

We both value honesty and openness, and since we live in separate cities, it makes sense to give each other a bit of freedom when it comes to other people.

(I have actually used that freedom with a friend of mine...but well these experiences are on totally different levels)

My bf is a bit like 2 people in the sense that IRL he is rather shy and not really comfortable in social situations, on-line however he is extremely social, almost the total opposite of being shy.

Basically on-line he has lots of female friends and is flirty with them in the most silly, superficial way.

Given the fact that I have actually been physical with somebody else, and he has not, and that he was trusting in us, and did not see a problem with it, I think that in this context my annoyance at his fluffy flirtatiousness is completely out of place, but I am sometimes peeved at this.

I do have a tendency to be jealous, and I don't want this to affect our relationship, because I know he really loves me and I think that him having female friends is healthy for both of us in the long term.

My ex called me "possessive" and although there were other issues at hand with me and him, he probably caught some truth in that.

I don't want this to create problems with my bf, whom I trust and who gives me no reasons to doubt in us.

View related questions: ex called, flirt, jealous, shy

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A female reader, k_c100 United Kingdom +, writes (14 December 2010):

k_c100 agony auntI dont really understand - are you having an open relationship? Presuming because you have done 'physical' things with someone else then it must be an open relationship otherwise you have cheated?

My thoughts are this - if you really do 'love' him as you say you do then you will feel like you cheated (being physical with someone else when you are in love with someone else tends to do this to you) therefore you feel guilty for 'cheating'. Even if he is ok with this - the reality is that you are not ok with it.

Imagine how you would feel if he had sex with someone else - I bet you would be devastated but you would not externalise this because you know you have done the same with someone else whilst you have been together. Therefore this 'possesiveness' is actually an externalisation of your guilt for 'cheating' and your fear that he may do the same to you.

So the only option to resolve this is to change your relationship from an open relationship to a committed relationship. Otherwise you will be permanently jealous that he could have sex with someone else and you cannot do anything about it because you have done the same to him. If you leave it so open, it will only make your insecurities, guilt and fears worse than they are now.

To be honest this all sounds like a huge mess to me and I question your so called 'love' for him if you can jump into bed with someone else, regardless of whether the relationship is open or not. True love would mean that no other man would even come close and regardless of your relationship status, he would be the only man for you.

So here is your current situation: long distance relationship, you already have slept with someone else, he flirts with other women online....all this in 5 months?! This is all wrong, your relationship has got off to an incredibly bad start and I dont believe there is any future for you. Sorry to say this, I really am - and I'm pretty sure you wont accept it, but the truth often can be quite shocking and hard to digest.

Regardless of your jealousy (which is being made worse by your guilt - remember this is often how cheaters react after they have cheated and their partner has forgiven them, they become very jealous and possessive through their own guilt and fear that their partner may do the same awful thing to them) I dont think this relationship will ever work, it has got off to an awful beginning and you cannot base a relationship on such poor foundations. It needs to be good, pretty much perfect from the start otherwise it will just deteriorate rapidly over time.

Either wipe the slate clean, committing to each other and cutting out all this mess of 'openess' or just end it now before it gets any worse.

I hope this helps and good luck!

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A male reader, advisorX Philippines +, writes (14 December 2010):

advisorX agony auntBased on what youve said, i didnt think youre possessive.

Its normal for a girl like you to feel jealous, especially knowing that your boyfriend is flirting with other women, even though its only through on-line.

Sometimes we intend to be possessive because we dont want our love ones to be taken from us, that feeling is normal, for as long as we dont desperately stop them from what they enjoy doing, especially if there is nothing wrong with it.

Just know where you suppose to stand and avoid making arguments or quarreling.

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