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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: The excerpt below is a series of narratives I wrote 2 years ago after I developed a life-changing crush on a woman. Since then, this woman moved away, I lost touch with her, I fell away from my wife and had an affair (with a different woman), my marriage has disintegrated and I am without a partner, lost my job, my home and everything I had. I am a lost soul. I am posting here to see what opinions it may draw. I'm trying to understand what happened and why I changed so drastically. I've gone to therapy for all this, but I could use as many perspectives as possible. It is part of my healing. I'm also posting as a kind of lesson to those considering an affair...don't do it. Thanks for reading...This blog has been very helpful in understanding my own mid-life crush crisis I am still getting through.I'll explain, because writing has been as therapuetic as reading others' posts...I am 39, married for 13 years with one child. I love my wife, but we have fallen "out of love" over the past few years. That is not an excuse or justification...it is just fact. I started a new job about a year ago, and met a single 25 year old woman, whom I'll call Jane, at work through a charity bike ride I organized with coworkers. Since she was new to the sport, she befriended me as a "mentor" to help her train. While I was attracted to her from the start, I kept my feelings well under wraps, because at that point, it was like so many other fleeting attractions that one does not let blossom for various reasons. I also wanted to be forthright and honest about helping her, and be respectful in my "mentor" role.For almost 3 months, we exchanged E-mails almost daily...mostly about biking related stuff, but occasionally she would give me a glimpse of her real life...the fact that she was a country girl, lived alone in a cute cabin in the woods, loved the outdoors, volunteered for an ambulance corps as an EMT and of course, loved cycling. We met up a few times to go on bike rides and we saw each other from time to time at work in a random, non-deliberate way. It felt a bit strange, but incredibly wonderful. I became hooked...waiting for her E-mails, or sending her some jibberish of my own to elicit a response to jolt my ego. It was totally selfish, but I couldn't resist. I played daredevil with my words a bit...hinting very subtely about my interest and admiration. I felt guilty, but liberated. She was like the soul mate I never knew in a way, although she never gave me a clear signal other than the daily E-mails, asking for my advice or occasionally planning a ride together.It came to a head for me when I started riding out toward her house, which was over 20 miles away in the mountains. I did it partly to assess her abilities for the event we were training for (by seeing where she trained), but also to understand a bit about who she was by the area she lived and talked so much about. We talked about a ride out her way, and she even invited me to her place, somewhat cautiously, to start a bike ride. She had to cancel, but it set off dreamy thoughts in my mind. SHe promised me she'd make it up to me, and was sorry she had to cancel our plans. I was devastated, but grateful at teh same time because I was starting to fabricate excuses to my wife, and I didn't want to do that, since I had told her everything else about my "mentoring" role.A week later was the event, and it honestly didn't go off too well. The course was a lot tougher for "Jane" than I expected, and I think she really hated me by the end of the day for misleading her. I felt terrible.For several weeks after the event, she practically severed communication. THe daily E-mails stopped. She replied to one of mine, saying she was done with cycling for the season (contrary to a week before, when we were talking about several fall rides), and basically giving me the shove. It hurt terribly, even though I had come to some conclusions of my own that she wasn't the crush I had thought.After another few days of thinking about her night and day, I called her into my office to confess to her. I had assumed some of her avoidance was due to the semi-flirting vibes I was giving off, and I wanted her to understand I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable, as I didn't intend to pursue anything further. I also apologised for my intensions being a bit out of line. Well, she took it well, but didn't have any idea I felt that way, and said she only thought of me as a mentor. I was crushed, but completely unsurprised...except for the 135 E-mails in just 10 weeks and bike rides that somehow meant the world to me. I had fallen in love with her spirit, her character and her person, which is why it was so hard to let go. It was way more than physical. SHe transported me back to a person I was years ago and a place I had forgotten in my heart. It was tortuously sweet.Problem now, is after a month she is not talking to me and actually avoiding me when we are at work. She did reply, rather warmly, to an E-mail I sent, but no more. My pain is not in her rejection of affection, but of friendship. I always thought we had that. But I feel I've mucked that up now too.I should mention that I shared ALL of this with my wife, who was amazingly understanding and has helped me through this. It has strengthened my marriage and givien me a new view on life that I am grateful for. SO not all is lost.I guess the moral is...confess if you stand nothing to lose, but realize you may lose. Also, be sure you have good evidence your crush is reciprocated before confessing. And above all...don't take for granted what you may already have. THe grass isn't always greener. Well, it's hard to believe only a little over two months since I wrote the above novel :) Feels like an eternity. My feelings have calmed down somewhat, but I still think about my crush, maybe just for a few seconds here and there. But it still scares me I do so so often...almost every day. I'm much more in control now, but still feel saddened overall that I don't truly feel closure to the whole thing.What has helped is all those ridiculous things that they tell you to do: get a hobby, don't listen to songs that remind you, etc. Well, I've focused on work, remodeling the house, spending time with family and things like that. Ironically, listening to songs that reminded me of her has helped get over a bit...they act like a stake in the ground that lets me measure how much I AM getting over her. But I have a lot of work to do.I've E-mailed her a total of 4 times since our "breakup", or whatever it was. Once to send her a photo from the ride we did, once to congratulate her on a new job position (at a different, but close facility), and two more times about work related stuff. Everytime she promptly responded, and a few times we even had a nice online back and forth. Trust me...I'm not looking for anything more than a friendship. But it felt so nice to know she wasn't totally avoiding me...although I think she is avoiding face to face a bit.I had the opportunity to talk to another male "hobby buddy" she goes kayaking with, and found out this is just the way she is when she fails at something. I think I may have confused her embarrassment with rejection. I also found out that her breakup with her ex of 2 1/2 years (who she broke up with while I was hanging out with her) put a lot of pressure on her. But it still irks me that someone I spent 3 months doing the best job I could helping and trianing just vanishes like that. I never met someone like that before. Anyone I ever spent any time with on something usually becomes at least a friend, and I still feel like bupkus.I've committed to not contact her again unless she initiates it. I don't want to keep feeling like the "creepy guy", and I have dignity and pride. I was honest and above board with everything to everyone and the last thing I want is to become a stalker. I've contacted her, and left the door open for communication. I've shown my feelings, and hopefully in time she will understand that I only meant well. So it's in her hands if she wants to be a friend or not. I know I would like that.The way I finally rationalized what happened is to realize that, unlike all the temptations I've had and never acted on, my attraction to her was so strong because it was so different. It was different because she reached me on levels that nobody else ever has...not even my wife. I know that seems crazy, not having spent more than a few hours here and there getting to know her. But it didn't take much for her to go through my armor. What hit me like a bullet was way more than her stunning good looks or great body. It was really more the essence of who she is...or maybe who I thought she was: She has a big heart. She helps people unconditionally. SHe literally saves lives...and calls it a hobby. THat blows me away. She knows poetry. SHe loves peace, and nature, and quiet moments and simple beauty. I love the innocence coupled with a fierceness and determination in her eyes and everything she does. I love that she challenges herself to do things most people wouldn't even think about. I love the whole country girl thing because it speaks to a young man I left behind at my grandparents cabin many years ago. I love her sharp, sexy blue eyes and the way her hair curves and caresses her cheek. I love the way her smile warms me to my core. I love her grace, because it has helped me find mine again.I'll always want to tell her these things, but I'm afraid I will never be able to. I can only hope that some warm, sunny day will find us again as friends doing what friends do. Until then, I'll cherish the sunsets, the warm breezes, the country meadows and the summer days that remind me of her...and who I want to be.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): I am sitting on the couch looking at my wedding photos from not even two years ago, and found this post whist doing so. I can certainly relate to your situation.
My situation was also a work situation, but my marriage was only new. My wife and I had only been married for a short period, but due to various issues that both of us were experiencing we were having some problems.
The work girl was one who I had known for of years and played sport with through work. She had a boyfriend for most years I have known her, and I was in a relationship for the whole time that I had know her. She got engaged fairly recently - so I was by this time married and she was engaged.
This girl from the office and I had always got along amazingly well. But, I was married (and before that engaged) so I had not actually thought about anything happening between us, it just didn't enter into my mindset because we were both in relationships. Perhaps we were still having an emotional affair of sorts though - we would talk to one another about almost everything and, without there being anything intentional, there was probably a lot of flirting - I'm somewhat oblivious to that sort of thing though a lot of the time.
My life, however, changed one night when we went out for a few drinks together. From my point of view there was nothing untoward about going out together, we just both got along so well and went out one night and, amoungst the various other things we talked about that night, we were talking about the fact that both of us were having problems in our respective relationships, and that we were both thinking about breaking up with partners.
We didn't say on the night that our intentions to break up had anything to do with wanting to be with one another, but the way the discussions went that was, subconciously I believe, what we were both meaning.
Nothing happened between us that night, but shortly after the relationship became a lot more open and, between us, we made no secret of the fact that we wanted to be with one another. It was her who instigated this. We didn't talk about being together long term but that was just because it all happened so quickly from that point.
Something just clicked in me after she first brought up us being together. The feelings that were mentioned in the initial post, about how this girl made me feel, are almost exactly the same. The attraction was strong and different, and she made me feel like I hadn't felt for anyone before.
The timing was perfect (or terrible), I still do not know which. I had been thinking about breaking up with my wife, and then this whole situation just pushed me to go ahead and do it.
Within a matter of days after breaking up with my wife, the girl from work and I kissed. Although as I mentioned above we may have been having an emotional affair of sorts, we had never been together. I don't think that I would ever have done that when I was with my wife. In retrospect and although this may prompt some scathing comments, I suspect that it may have been fairer on my wife to have an affair than to do that which I did, which was to leave her (not for the other girl, but certainly influenced by my relationship of sorts with the other girl).
After I did break up with my wife, the emotional relationship with the girl from work continued. However, the break up with my wife freaked out the girl from work and, although we still to this day get on amazingly well, our physical relationship did not progress because - to quote a phrase - I no longer had "anything to lose".
She is trying very hard to make her existing relationship work, which is fair enough and its not my place to change that. I don't think our feelings for one another have really changed since they were brought out in the open, but I think that she is either confused and going ahead and getting married because she's planned to do it and its the safe option, to see if it works.
The problem that I have is that I do love my wife, and I could get back together with her tomorrow if I made that choice. I miss many things, but cannot bring myself to rekindle the relationship when I know that, as was the general gist of the initial post, the feelings that I have for the other girl are something that makes me feel so amazing. I do not by this mean that I think that I and the girl from work will be together - there may be too much water under the bridge now - but I do not know that it would not be fair to rekindle a relationship with my wife (no matter how happy that would make her, and no matter that I would get many things that I now do miss so much), when there are these underlying feelings for someone else.
It is difficult to move on from either part of the saga when my wife still loves me and I may well still love her, and when I see the girl from work everyday and I fell for her so badly.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): dear PuzzleSolver, what you say is true but i need to point out that yes, married people, from time to time, do develop friendships, crushes even and also fantasize about other poeple, other than their partners. BUT the difference is, WE MAKE A CHOICE. just as you too made a choice a few days ago. this choice is priceless! it takes a person of character, a person of convictions to acknowledge the "other attraction" but decide not to invest in that other person/relationship. PuzzleSolver, you made a good choice and no matter how strong that physical attraction for the other person was, you knowingly and purposefully made a choice not to invest in this other "relationship". in life we must choose and then life with the consequences of our choices.
to the last Anon female:"You tossed away gems of great value to grasp shards of shiny glass........." I couldnt and wouldnt have said it any better. Great post.
-LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2010): OP this is so sad, sadder still the male reader who identifies with this and feels he missed an opportunity. He applauds you trowing caution to the wind, what an empty life he has chosen to live.
You had what 99% of the population of the world pray to have but never get. I think the reason you through it away was because you thought you could do better, you deserved more. You deserved to have a 25yo vibrant young woman and not a dull life with job child and wife and a house. You got rid of everything but the girl did not see you as a "soulmate" she has moved on to love and be loved. She sounds like a wonderful young woman and I am glad she did not get caught up in cheating and deception.
It's so sad to see how ungrateful people are for all the gifts they are given. The problem is not the OP or that sad man with a family and wife who laments his life choice. Our consumer society makes us think we can always do better, have more, have better. Our choices and opportunities are endless. Every middle-aged man, married for 30 yrs is absolutely certain that at lest 5 beautiful 25 yo women are being deprived of a relationship with him because he has suffered to stay with a dull wife. He resents his wife for providing him with a stable home for his children and depriving him of the endless string of 20 yo women waiting to fall on middle-aged men.
Our choices are limited, we can't buy or have everything we want, fairy tales don't come true. But life has endless possibilities, this is different from having a limitless choices. There is always the possibility to make what is already ours better.
You say you don't miss your wife yet you miss every thing this wife brought about in your life. Could that life you miss so much have happened without your wife - the child, house, home, fun times that made it so memorable. So why do you dismiss this human as someone you don't miss? I think you miss her deeply and your regret and sadness is rooted in missing her.
You loved your wife but you didn't think she would divorce you and not forgive you. You gambled and loss. Holding on to the fairy tale of the soulmate garbage keeps you in a dreamy state. You devalue your ex wife because you can't face the enormity of the value of what you tossed away. You are going to have to come down to earth if you are going to make your life better. If you do not acknowledge the value of what you gave up, you are destined to wonder about until you can't move anymore.
You acknowledge your mistakes, that's good. Maybe acknowledging that what you had was good and you should have been very happy but you chose not to be. Resolve that if you are ever given the opportunity of love again, to make it a choice to be happy and grateful for what you have. You tossed away gems of great value to grasp shards of shiny glass. The best you can do is not to be so foolish again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010): It's easy to judge someone who is so taken back by another person outside of their relationship.
Every individual is completely different in many ways, and the feelings and love you felt towards the soulmate outside of your marriage are completely different from the feelings you were used to having with your wife. No two people are the same, and so the feelings received are very different. Also, you're love was tested for years with your wife, which made the new feelings for the other girl so much more fresh... new, bold and tempting.
Yes, you broke the vows of your marriage by cheating, even if it was just emotional, but noone can judge you or punish you for that.. What person who is married can honestly say they've never caught their spouse so much as looking at or giving a little too much attention to someone else? Or had their spouse correct or accuse them for it? Noone can throw stones, and more than every second marriage will fail because of the same temptations.
The fact is, as humans, we all sin and make mistakes. Don't worry about jaded opinions and bitter judgement..
You've admitted the pain and frustration that you've felt as well as the pain and frustration you put your wife through, by following two very different types of love, like KC 100 said.
Your biggest mistake and destruction, ironically, was you stayed with your wife while exploring your feelings for this other girl, not because you intended to hurt or neglect your wife, but because you thought and had faith in the idea that somehow you could beat those feelings and remain by your wife's side. You were confused and conflicted by those two varying types of love and happiness..
So what's done is done, and you learned how powerful and tempting love can be, only in the most judged and difficult way. Like I say, your only mistake was not picking one type of happiness or the other, and either leaving your wife when you felt so strongly about that girl, or staying with your wife and ignoring all temptation from the outside. It was a mistake instigated by temptation to embrace love from someone around you.... It's okay, you can move on now and find happiness again.
Any feeling of love is a beautiful thing, and you were conflicted between clinging to something beautiful, which may or may not have worked, and holding to another type of beauty.
I'm writing this because just two days ago, I too, experienced extremely strong feelings for someone outside of my marriage after only just meeting them. The reason I won't go after and act on those feelings is because I'm happily married. Before I was married, I had two different crushes, both of which I ignored, because I waited for a different kind of love. What I'm trying to say is that experiencing those feelings of love for ANYONE is beautiful, and yes, no beauty is perfect, and it always includes at least a little pain. I feel sorry for those who don't experience many beautiful feelings of love, and even the pain of temptation is a beautiful part of life.
If everything was perfect and boring, there'd be no beauty in life, and you can't experience happiness without knowing pain. So at least you've lived through different forms of beauty in life. That's what life is all about. Next time, just break it off with one or the other, so you don't add the dimension of cheating and causing a destructive form of pain, if you're too tempted to chase and hold onto the new overwhelming love.
And yes, though love is a positive, happy emotion, it can also be tempting, which is normally caused by negative forces. This is what so many people who are quick to point the finger don't realize. They don't realize that same temptation to defend and embrace a certain type of love is what caused them to judge. Sitting high and mighty on a horse and casting judgement upon someone who's admitted and confronted their mistake(or sin) isn't love, and doesn't teach. You've felt as much pain from that mistake as your wife has, and that doesn't make you a lost soul, but just blessed. Being blessed and experiencing beauty are very similar, in that they don't always occur in the absence of much pain.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010): OP you justify too much, you are defensive and no matter how much you reason, how much you condone your actions, the truth is this: you cheated twice. You hurt/destroyed your wife and YOU ARE ALONE. That is all that matters. In your attempt desire to find that over rated soulmate, you lied, betrayed, destroyed and after everything was said and done, you are alone. This speaks volumes. Perhaps you need to analyse this: unpack it and understand this.
-LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): You are deluding yourself if you think you were in love with the woman who had a crush on. How can you love someone you don't know. You sound like a schoolboy not a grown-up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): Read about midlife crisis. That may be what has happened to you. You are searching for answers and I think that will help. It seems to be common to change your history and claim to never have loved your wife and to take risk and destroy your life. After you get a handle on what happened, think of what your goals are now and go for it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks DL44To the anon female...Those that have not been in this situation obviously don't know what it's like. Conviction is a luxury for those on the sidelines. we do not all make accurate, perfect, lifelong decisions, like marriage, and do them perfectly. To be quite honest, no, my wife does not forgive me. But she has said she is somewhat grateful, becuase it took this to realize we were not perfect for each other. Love is hard enough to find. Perfect love is even harder. I truly feel sorry for those who marry out of principle or duty and cling to a dead or dying love, even after decasdes of work, and find their lives empty at the end of all of it because they ignored a chance for true love. Not all marriages fit your perfect world description of what "should be". Good marriages don't fail. Happy people don't search. To "Honor and cherish"...honoring a dead relationship by staying in it, miserable and unhappy, does not honor anything except devotion to words. What's the saying...everyone dies, not everyone really lives. You go ahead and live your perfect world of do-or-die commitment. I just hope you never have to be faced with challenges like this. I admit to my mistakes. I would NOT have gone about this the same way if I could undo it. Believe it or not, happiness will come out of it...not just for me, but also for my ex wife. we were not soul mates. We thought we were, but were wrong. Suggesting we keep it together anyway shows your lack of true understanding of what honor really means.
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A
female
reader, DenimandLace44  +, writes (30 September 2010):
 Its oh so easy to judge and point fingers. Its much more difficult to do the right thing when its you. He didnt defend his actions, he didnt try to justify. He would probably do things different if he could redo. But the questions and feelings awakened will never go away. You cant understand unless you've been there. Good luck poster. And good luck kc.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): I just want to say to the OPthat his crush didn't destroy your marriage:YOU DID. Twice you shortchanged your wife, first with the crush and then with your other affair. You damaged and tore apart your wifes life. I know you have gotten some heartfelt sympathy here but if I look at your situation , it was all YOU : you that invested in other women, you who stole years from your life and YOU who put the final nail in your marriage coffin. You indulged freely, knowingly deceitful, purposefully destroying and you are living proof that Karma works. You sowed destruction, you reaped this ten fold. You sowed adultery, you sowed betrayal and all this hit you back, big time. The manner in which you totally used your wife is so sad. I actually am filled with sadness for your wife and cannot help but feel that you got exactly what you have deserved.
I find that although you have penned your thoughts, desires, dreams and the destruction thereof, could you not have ended your marriage first before embarking on your affairs. You talk about soulmates. Plse note this is over rated and your relationships are proof of this. I think you have no concept of soulmates, affairs yes, but not soulmates.
With so much of betrayal you have sowed what is the way forward?
Has your wife moved on? Has she forgiven you?
When you destroy a person (spouse/partner)in your attempt to gain happiness elsewhere while I
n that relationship, you pay a heavy price. I have seen/heard of many ad
ulterers who are living testimony of reaping what you sow. Sadly your life is no different.
I ask again: what have you learnt from this nightmare?
-LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): Wow, as a married person, I find this to be a very haunting string of posts. I know I am not adding anything much here, but the thought that I may have been coasting through life while my real soulmate is elsewhere, or the post from the gentleman who has never really felt much again, is very unsettling.
I am not sure what the answer to all this is. Your posts seem very sincere. I guess they just challenge some of my core beliefs re what marriage is, what my marriage is, in a way that has made me very uneasy...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2010): Oh my. There’s so much in your story I can identify with.
I had been married seven years (together with my wife for 12 years in all) when I was reintroduced to a girl I’d known in my teens. The circumstance was my father’s terminal illness, so my emotions were raw to begin with. My wife was preoccupied with her career and with motherhood and had (I felt) been ignoring me for a while. The girl was there, she was unattached, and confessed that she’d had a crush on me years before. She hugged me and kissed me – things that didn’t happen any more with my wife. And I fell. I don’t think I ever kidded myself that I was in love with her, but the infatuation took my breath away. All of a sudden I got to time travel – I was 16 again, and I felt more alive than I’d been in years. It was a heady time – the contact never went beyond kissing, which helped down the road.
It couldn’t last, of course. She had no intention of being a homewrecker, and I knew in my head that we weren’t compatible. I don’t know how much my wife ever figured out – probably most of it, since she’s very smart – but neither of us said anything. So we went back to how we were. I lost touch with the girl. And in the 15 years since haven’t again felt alive, or much of anything else.
Kc100 talked about the ideal, the earth shattering and the happiness & contentment all rolled into one. I don’t know if that’s possible over an extended period of time.
I suppose on the surface people might say I’m better off than you – I kept my marriage, my job, I live with my kids, and I’m adding to my retirement savings. But you have been forced into a fresh start. Who knows, in five years you might be in an emotionally healthy and vibrant relationship. I won’t.
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (28 September 2010):
 I find it funny how you claim these other two women to be your "soul mates" and yet you say that the love with your wife was pure in the beginning. Was it really? In which case, how do you know that your wife wasn't your "soul mate" at that time. Did you have children with these two other women who you claim to have "loved"? Did you spend thirteen years with the two of them only to find out that--wait a minute--they weren't your "soul mates" after all? Did you grow with them and learn from them like you did your wife? I don't understand that...You say you loved them, and yet you spent not even CLOSE to the amount of time that you had spent with your wife with either of these women. God forbid reality would eventually set in and you would find out that the Honeymoon stage would end after a couple years together. If this woman that you had a crush on had reciprocated your feelings for her, would you have gone further with her than you claim you intended to? You were flirting from the start. You knew you were attracted to her, and yet you continued to exchange daily e-mails and go on bike rides with her. Hmm...Ever stop to think that maybe this might deepen your feelings for her? What do hundreds of films and novels and REAL STORIES tell us? If you have feelings for someone that you cannot be with romantically, those feelings do not just disappear, especially if you spend gobbs and gobbs of time with them.And if you were so unhappy with your wife, and realized with the first woman that you had an emotional affair with that you were no longer in love with your wife, why didn't you leave her? I don't understand that logic. In fact, it isn't logic, it's stupidity and selfishness. Did you stay together for your child? Why? So that he could witness a loveless marriage and learn to "settle" and have an affair later on in life? Great idea.Plain and simple: If you are no longer in love with a person, LEAVE THEM. Don't "pretend" to be happy for their sake. I know you were honest and open with your wife about your crush, but c'mon, really? You really told your wife that you were pining for another woman who made you feel things that not even SHE could make you feel after fifteen years together? She completely wasted her time with you. The fact that you brought that up to her makes me sick. When it got to that point, she should have left you. Period. Not only that, but you managed to have ANOTHER affair (physical, from the sounds of it). This is extremely callous and selfish and you weren't thinking of anyone in this situation but yourself. Not even your child.I'm not going to be sympathetic with you. Cheating isn't a situation where anyone deserves sympathy. So I hope you learned from this. And for "k_c100", just because someone knows how to take control of a situation doesn't mean they're inexperienced with life or relationships. It just means that they're mature enough to know that certain actions can and will hurt the one they married and claimed to "love".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionKC, that had to be the most understanding, accurate evaluation of my situation. I thank you for your open mindedness, and fairness on the matter.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (28 September 2010):
 I actually have a lot of respect for you - to find someone who you so clearly loved and adored yet never told her how you felt, and let her go off to be happy with her fiancee, that is pretty amazing. I know exactly how it feels, to have met your soulmate whilst in a relationship with someone else, and it is the hardest thing in the world to deal with. Because you love the person you are with, and you want that relationship to work - when it started you felt like that person was perfect for you and you wanted to spend the rest of your life with them. But then to have someone else walk into your life and blow all that out of the water, to shake you to your core and show you that something you had dismissed as impossible can actually be a reality - that is a hard hard thing to deal with.
So yes, while we can all bang on about how cheating is bad blah blah blah, no-one ever stops to think about actually falling madly in love with someone else, through no fault of your own when it is entirely unwanted. You think in your partner you have met the "one" (if there is such thing) and you are happy - then you find out completely accidentally that there is someone else out there who rocks your world in ways you never believed! If anyone can criticse you for that, well they are a narrow minded individual with nothing worth listening to.
I think the problem is that we are raised with 2 conflicting ideas of love and relationships:
1. Mr/Mrs perfect - "the one". This is the disney fairytale type relationship, where they are your soul mate, the person that completes you etc etc.
2. Happiness. This is an entirely different matter to the earth-moving feelings you are supposed to have with "the one". This is more of a relationship based on friendship, trust, and making each other happy. So this type of relationship is not all fireworks, butterflies in your tummy type of thing like type 1, but a relationship that is just very stable and makes you very happy. And I think through socialisation, and through time (+ failed relationships) to think that happiness is actually more important than the head over heels type of love and we should look for a partner that makes us happy rather than just looking for love.
While the holy grail is to have a combination of both in one relationship (this is rare but I guess it happens - or to me it would be actually having a relationship that lasts forever in a type 1 situation) - I think it is hard to come accross a relationship that fulfills both, and we often go for one or the other. And I also think certain people will be happier in certain scenarios. So some people I think are very content with the type 2 relationship, and never look for that earth-moving love because their love forms through friendship and love, and that is all they need.
Whereas possibly for people like you (and me) while being happy and comfortable is good, we always want something more, and often we cannot put our finger on what it is that we feel like we are missing. And that thing is the amazing, once in a lifetime connection with a person that you want to keep hold of forever. But we also are conditioned to believe that this type of love only ever happens in fairytales, so we are being unrealistic to expect it therefore having a type 2 relationship is what we should strive for.
And this is where the problem lies - we end up in the type 2 relationships, we are happy and quite comfortable and we could go on that way forever. But then if you are lucky (or unlucky maybe!) this fairytale love walks across your path - I know this has happened to me, where I had written off ever meeting this one-off love as a fantasy that I had created from the movies. But then when, by chance, that person who you never imagined could possibly exist comes into your life - you are put into an impossible situation. On the one hand you have the person who you built your life with, who is a wonderful person, who makes you happy and who has never put a foot wrong in your relationship. Then on the other hand, it appears you have been given this one chance for love with the most amazing person you have ever met, and you are acutely aware that this will never happen again in your life time.
So ultimately you are screwed - you leave your marriage and you have hurt a wonderful person whilst starting off the relationship badly with the love of your life. Or you stay in your marriage and never tell the love of your life how you feel, and you regret it until the day you die. So for all those people that hate cheaters, banging on about how bad both emotional and physical affairs are - yes they are right in theory but they never even consider the pain and life of torment the person who is having the affair is in. Sleeping around behind a partner's back is horrible and can never be condoned, but falling in love against your own will and not being able to keep yourself away from that person, I honestly believe it is another matter.
I wont go into any more detail about my situation on here as I am a moderator on this site therefore I should at least attempt to keep some details private otherwise I will end up looking completely hypocritical - but if you want to talk more about that side of things, feel free to message me.
As for reasons why this has all happened - I think that will come to you in time, and maybe some of your questions will never be answered but all you can do is learn from this.
As for your crush (this is the way I look at my situation with the man I love so very much but the whole mess is too complicated and looks like I will loose him, even though he is not mine in the first place...) - at least you met that person who has touched your life in such a special way, many people never even get to experience those sorts of feelings in a lifetime. Yes it is horrible not being able to tell someone how you feel, but at least you have had chance to feel that way - you know how wonderful true love can be, you know how amazing it feels to be in the company of your soulmate. So in that sense you have been blessed - yes it is something you will miss, and mourn the loss of possibly forever - but at least you had it even for the briefest of moments.
Onto a look at you for the moment - one thing that stood out when you talk about your "crush" is that you mention things like being with her makes you who you want to be, and how she helped you find certain things within yourself again. So while I am not devaluing your love for her at all (otherwise that would just render everything I have said useless!) - I think part of your love for her was actually tied to bringing you back to life again. It is almost like you were in hibernation with your wife, muddling along through life not really thinking about anything and just getting on with it. Then this woman came along and re-awoke all of you, and everything you wanted in life seemed embodied in her. But the reality was that you were just not happy with your wife, and your "crush" was an escape.
And one other thing - I totally agree with you when you said that the affair was like looking for the love you had felt from the crush. You were just looking to replace her, it was your way of dealing with the fact she is gone and the love you felt for her will have to go away too. So the easiest way to deal with this is fill the gap - your wife was not filling the gap so having an affair was your way of dealing with your loss. No it wasnt the right way to deal with it, but everyone copes in different ways and by the sounds of things, you and your wife tried all you could to make it work but it was just too late. At least you can say you tried.
I think I have written nearly as much as you did in your original post so I am going to stop now! I hope some of this has been of interest to you, feel free to write back again or message me if you would prefer to talk in a more private fashion than out in the open on here!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2010): Dear Sir,
A very heart rending story and I must admit that you have great writing skills that is clear and captivating.
I know what it feels like because I am going through a similar situation after marriage and I am trying my level best not to get carried away too much. But I do shamefully admit that it is a wonderful feleing to be in love all over again (if at all that is love) even when the other person has no clue about it.
It's not like I do not love my partner or have grown weary of my marriage. I love him, I miss him, I care for him and I can't fall sleep when he is not home. But the other person is on a higher pedestal than I am and I admire him and keep on admiring him. Again, it is not good looks as my husband is very handsome and so is he!
But the problem is in such cases the more you meet the person the deeper you fall in love with him or her. In my case, I don't spend time with him, hasn't even shaken hands, and our meetings are rare and brief. I have never exposed my feelings unless my eye or my words betrayed them for an intuitive man he is. Quite miserably, I am liking him more and more as days pass on dwindling myself in to a nothing in front of his greatness. He is single and I am married and I am no match for him. He would get a much better girl that me and I don't covet that position I believe in has destiny. But why is my heart elusive to destiny?
Yet, my veneration for him can make me a poet and get me going for pages and pages even when I know nothing about his personal self. I know it is stupid but that's the way it is, life is, a human is.
But it is a terrible thing to do to your partner. So I promise myself everyday not to think of him. Marriage is no game. It is life and with it comes thousands of emotions and relations of flesh and blood.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow...I'll try to answer the best I can, but mind you, I don't understand my own actions entirely which is why I'm seeking help myself.
Something significant changed in me from this crush, or what my therapist calls "emotional affair". I suppiressed myself in an unhappy marriage for years, as did my wife. SO things deteriorated after that. It was like all the compromise, partnership and respect that held us togehter melted and the tapestry of our relationship became unwoven (again, another analogy from my therapist). Part of it was both our faults. We led a farce of a marriage. It was all show in the end. So the crush started the unraveling. I went to couples counseling, as well as individual counseling to try to weave it back together, but it became apparent we had become two different people who were not in the same mindset we were years ago. The affair...well, that is something I am ashamed of and wont go into, but it put the nail in the coffin. I think it came about because i was searching for the love I felt from the crush.
I lost my job because both the crush and affair were coworkers, and it was all discovered and I was the brunt of rumors and many harsh looks from women at work. My performance deteriorated because of my broken heart, and the pressure boiled over. They found reasons, very unfair ones, to fire me. I lost the house in the divorce
My son is fine. He supresses his feelings a bit, but his main concern is that I see him regularly and dont move away. So I see him frequently and call almost every day. Sadly, his dog, who helped him cope through a lot of things, got killed by a car the night I was going to move out. The poor kid has had so much loss in teh past 2 years. But his grades are improving, he is advancing in his athletics, and making friends.
My crush stayed on at our workplace for about a year after the incident. SHe avoided me, but we did talk a few times. She moved away with her fiancee. Out of respect for her and what little friendship we had left, I had to leave the situation alone. But I have to admit it was the strongest love I have ever felt in my entire life, and probably ever will. Amazing, since I didn't even hold her hand except to shake it when she left. The sad thing, is she never knew how utterly in love I was, and probably never will.
I miss the life I had with my family...the stability, predictability, trust and history. I don't truly miss my wife, because we just became incompatible toward the end. Actually, we always were, but we compensated for so long. It was mutual up until the affair happened. She and I both realized we did not satisfy a need in each other that was necessary to be man and wife. We simply were not soul mates. We were compatible in all other ways...as friends, sexually, and the fact we raised a great son and had a lot of fun over the years. But you see, it was about everything BUT love in the end...paying bills, picking out paint colors, watching DVR recorded shows separately in separate rooms, mowing the lawn and pretending to like family outings. Counseling pointed out that the core we once had was gone. Peripheral things formed a shell that had no core, no heart, no deep love.
The affair woman...sadly, was my soul mate and a great girl. But I had to leave because our relationship was tainted by what had happened. Like waves off the bow of a ship that hit shore and returned to make the seas rocky, so was our love. It was not pure. Even what I had with my wife, as flawed as it became, was pure and honest in the beginning. So like most affairs, it was doomed. But I loved her in a way I cant explain, and it hurts terribly knowing I could have had something there, and that it finalized the death of my marriage.
I hope that helps to answer some questions. I realize I am not going to get much respect here, but my sincere hope is that all these people posting about having affairs, seeking new love, fighting with their sposes, etc, will read this and understand how important it is to find your way through marriage and not wander off like I did.
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reader, gaurav1jha  +, writes (28 September 2010):
 Apart from curiosity of the answers to the k_c100's questions, All I have to say here is,"Great Story!" and No doubt "A Heart breaking one"!
~ May God Bless you!
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reader, k_c100 +, writes (28 September 2010):
That really is a heart-breaking story, I'm afraid I dont have much to offer you based on that apart from more questions!
You said at the start of your post you now have separated from your wife after having an affair with a different woman - what happened there! Why did you have an affair with a different woman, after you are clearly so in love with this ex-colleague of yours? And why would you have an affair after your wife had supported you through your "crush" on you said your marriage became stronger? Was it the affair that lead to the breakdown of the marriage? Or the crush?
Why did you lose your job and home? How is your relationship with your child now?
How do you feel about your crush now you are single? Do you ever think about trying to find her and start up a relationship with her? Do you still have feelings for your wife?
How did the affair (not the crush) come about? Who was she? What do you feel for her now? What did you feel at the time? What happened in your marriage after the crush that led you to have an affair?
You said you fell out of love with your wife - why? What happened that made you grow apart? Did your wife feel the same, or was she still in love with you? What did your crush offer that your wife could not? Did you ever tell your wife that your love for her was fading? Did you ever go to couples therapy to try and work on your problems?
Sorry there are so many questions, your post is very interesting and so well written but there is so much that I need to know before I might be able to offer you any meaningful insight into what you have written!
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