A
female
age
51-59,
*hris73
writes:Please help i'm in a muddle!when i started my new job last year i met a lovely bloke in 1 of my calls. we always got on well and chatted. he told me he was married with children and i always asked after them its was strictly professional but i admit had a soft side for him. approx 2 months ago 1 monday evening i received a text from him asking if i was on facebook, replied bk sorry no and we got chatting. several texts later he told me they'd split up. we,ve been talking and getting on and he asked me out. i was over the moon but because he and his wife hadn,t been split up long i asked him to keep it quiet. my daughter and i went on holiday and he text me morning and night it was lovely. he asked me to come home early to a family bbq but i said no mainly cause i was worried it was to early. he had told his mum and family work etc about me. On the monday we had our first date we were like to big kids at the cinema he paid bought popcorn and made all the first moves i loved it. On the thursday he asked for a divorce his wife kicked him out and he later found out she was having an affair.she didn't take it well. at night he put on facebook "this weekend is the begining of my life" no looking back. friday he came to me and sat i went to him.at 7am sunady morning his wife was ringing his phone then his brothers house phone where we were staying. on the saturday he introduced me to his mum and brothers ete it was lovely and we all got on his mum even said to me it was lovely to see him happy again. sunday morning we kissed and cuddled and when i left it was lovely. That afternoon his wife asked him back. He didn't tell me at first but late sunday nite i received a text saying he was ending it because he loved his wife and there kids needed a dad. I feel awful cause i,ve hounded him since but at the same time i respect him for going back to try and work it out. he told me on saturday i was everything to him and me and his kids were always on his mind. but i feel used and humiliated by what hes done. hes told me he doesnt know what hes doing and hes knows we we,re good together but he had to go and try. whats the chances of this working out them two back together? they have 2 lovely children 7 and 9 and have been together 13 years. i have to let go and let them sort it out but i feel so used and i know she only wants him back because her new boyfriend ended it and saw her ex moving on very happy again but he cant't see it. please i need some advice ? what are there chances? in two weeks i have to go back there for work? Please help ....
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female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (7 September 2012):
 I think that is the key to your entire situation. He involved himself in a relationship before taking care of the other one first. One I first read your story, my initial reaction is that he should have taken time to work through the issues and emotions of the relationship with his wife before seeking another.
On the other hand, you have learned something too. If a man is fresh out of a relationship or currently going through relationship struggles or the turmoil of divorce, you must be very careful. I know it is hard to be cautious when you really like someone, but sometimes it can help prevent a lot of hurt.
A
female
reader, chris73 +, writes (7 September 2012):
chris73 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everybody for your positive answers. I maybe mad and look desperate but i have contacted him today and asked him what he,s playing around at and doesn't he realise she'll do it again!!! I know its for him to find out for himself but how long will it take him to realise this. He said we had our whole lives infront of us and everything to look forward too. i just feel horrible. I feel his wife is scheming and controling our future. They,ve maybe been together 13 years but only 6 married and i can't help wondering what happened in the 7 years{shes also 10 yrs younger than him} before that and has she already done something similar. thats not my problem but i do care and hate the way i feel.I know i have to move on and step back i just wish he would talk to me and just explain why he involved me in the first place!!! I also need to face him again at work soon.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (7 September 2012):
 Darling I know you are feeling hurt and rightly so, but don't let the selfishness of one man spoil your future with others.
Telling yourself you won't trust again and beating yourself up will just prolong the pain.
I love the saying: The quickest way to get over a man is to get under another lol!!
Not saying you should jump in the sack with the next guy along, but keep your options open, retain your sass!! go out, have fun and date other people...best cure for heartache and you never know who you might meet...
Just avoid the married guys or those just out of the door!!
Keep your chin up xxx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 September 2012):
 I would step back til the papers are signed. Because YOU are ending up in the middle and YOU are the one getting hurt here.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (7 September 2012):
Don't feel like a fool. You had no way of knowing this would happen. I think you just had the misfortune of getting in the middle of a bad situation. It doesn't exactly sounds as if he wants to return to his wife. It sounds like he is doing it for his kids. It sounds like he thinks very highly of you. I know that doesn't help much, but he is in a bad situation also. Sometimes the situation is just bad all the way around. Take care and keep your chin up.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (7 September 2012):
A similar situation has happened to one of my friends sons.
He met another woman and decided to leave his wife and two kids (12 and 14). His wife was devestated of course but accepted the separation.
He moved in with the other lady and was there for 3 months before deciding to return to his wife for the sake of the children. They had a vacation and made time to talk things over (with the support of both sides of the family). After 4 months he decided he really did want the marriage to end and again his wife was distraught. There was a huge fight and he moved into his mums house but she pursueded him to go back...he did, but it emerged that he was still speaking the the woman he has first left for.
After 3 weeks he moved in with the other woman again and was seen by his ex wife, out with the new woman and her two children, playing happy families around the shopping mall. His own children became traumatised and his oldest son started skipping school and had to see a counsellor.
6 months on, he was caught by his new lady, cheating with another woman on the internet, whom he had told, he was still with his wife but wanted to leave (lying). He had seen this internet woman twice and it emerged that he was planning to move in with her (she was 16 years younger and has no kids)
My friend has decided to stop talking to her son because she is shocked at how he has behaved. She has stayed close to his ex wife and the grandchildren because they need the support(his ex wife recently had to have a hysterectomy)
He is now living with the younger woman (for how long, nobody knows)and he has absolutely torn apart three families in the process, his ex wife, the woman he first cheated on and his own mum and dad.
I think you need to get yourself away from this situation, you have no idea where his head is and what he is truly thinking. He isn't free, both physically or emotionally, to begin a new relationship.
It could be different and he might come back to you, but it could lead to years of going back and fourth, you will become even more emotionally invested and there is the potential for pain and hurt (which I am sure you are already feeling)
Get on with your life and protect yourself from selfish people who do not care whom they hurt as long as they get what they want.
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A
female
reader, chris73 +, writes (7 September 2012):
chris73 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyboby for your help and advice. been layed awake again last night mulling everything over. I feel a right fool and very unhappy but think i need a man with a spine and balls!! but it will be along time till i trust anyone again if ever.
Its a week ago today that eveything was lovely and i cant stop feeling horrible. I even asked him why me? is he using me to get her back? think i knew it then but by that point i was in to him. I have told him if he ever needs someone to talk to i,ll always be here for him.I feel as if i've had the affair not his wife? would you beable to ever look at your mother in law again if she'd been taking your wife to meet another fella?
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (7 September 2012):
 Hi
You seem to be piggy in the middle. It sounds like he was lining somebody up,with a home, so he could leave his wife.
Theres is a toxic marriage and he sounds confused.I would leave them and their messy life to them.
People need time to get over a divorce before they date and it would be a long time before he was totally 'available' anyway,plus his wife would always be in his life because of their children.
I think you've had a lucky escape, even if you can't see it now,go forward with your life and you WILL meet a man who is free to be with you one day.If it IS this man do not get involved again until he IS completely ready,divorced etc, for your own sake
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (6 September 2012):
All you really can do is step back and see what happens. The problem is, you really care about him and if you wait around on him, you could be waiting for quite some time. I agree with the others that it is hard for a man to walk away when kids are involved. However, they did break up and almost divorce for a reason. If the relationship is toxic and they cannot work things out, this will probably be quickly apparent. I am not sure what to tell you to do in the meantime besides step back. If you are like me, you will want to wait a certian amount of time...what amount, I am not sure. After falling for someone you liked so much, it would be hard to get right back into dating anyway. Like I said, maybe they will decide the relationship is toxic and staying together for the kids is not worth it.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (6 September 2012):
 Sometimes when children are involved it is very hard for a man to walk away - harder than some of us like to think or realize and I am sure he cares a great deal about you, but he has been with his wife for an incredibly long time and his children are of an age where by they understand what might be happening when their dad isn't home and can be incredibly hurt in the process of a break up, which I am sure you know as you seem to have your whits about you with as far as them trying to make it work goes.
Unfortunately for you, you have been caught up in the middle of something that has probably been years in the making and their cheating or being apart for even a short amount of time MAY have been just what they needed to realize that they needed one another after all, which would be wonderful for their children but hurts you in the process and for that I am terribly sorry.
I would certainly do as the other poster suggested and step back and let it run its course - if they are not meant to be, and if you are available if and when it falls through, then make a move with him but, until then, look out for you and try and put it down to an experience that could have been but that for the moment isn't - you didn't do anything wrong and you shouldn't feel used either as most people who do stray do believe that they are doing it for good cause and he most likely does have those feelings for you, but reality has more than likely taken him back to his children rather than his wife, and you have to see where that goes.
Their chances of successfully working things out will rely upon their characters and their willingness to work. They clearly have a lot to consider and to talk about and I hope for a good result all around, and as little hurt as possible to all involved. Hugs
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 September 2012):
 I think her new boyfriend beat you to it, that he can't trust someone who's still married, then broke up with her. Let the two of them sort it out. If they can't be happy together then they are not meant to be. Maybe he will feel that his wife is only using him also. Romance without commitment is very dangerous. You should not gamble your happiness on a russian roulette. You should not be the result of their relationship failure. Your next man should feel like nothing ever can come between you two. A man should love you for you, not because he got single again or his wife is not available to him.
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