A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating this guy for two years who is separated. he is so good to me and we have such a great relationship. I could never imagine my life without him in it but my problem is everytime I mention him getting a divorce he gets offensive and clams up. I know he has very little contact with her but I don't know why he is in no hurry to divirce her. He tells me he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone and couldn't imagine mot having me in his life. If he loves me as much as he claims to why won't he end that relationship so we can take ours to the next level? He has two kids (grown) that still live with their Mom and he sometimes uses them as his excuse for not divorcing her. He says he doesn't want to hurt them. Than sometimes he'll say they have so many bills and expenses he wants them to get paid down some so he has more money in his pocket when he does divorce her. He keeps promising me it will happen but my question is when? What should I do? How do I handle this? I tears me up because I really do love him more than I could ever imagine loving someone!
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female
reader, katiemom +, writes (9 July 2012):
Hey there, my friend. I don't know you, but you are already my friend! I can tell you're thoughtful, and you care. I think most of the posts here are pretty right on. To kind of cut to the chase, though, here are my thoughts, because I've been through this.You would know by now if he was "involved" with his wife. (In other words, he's an outright liar.) He's probaby not in your case. There is really only two possible reasons in your case that he's not divorcing. One could be "loss of relationship" with his adult kids. He would string out the divorce in order to somehow maintain their approval as "not being the bad guy" and keep those relationships open. I can tell you, if this is the case, they have dysfunctional relationships. That relationship is based on a falsehood and doesn't celebrate his integrity, decision making process, and ability to be loved for who he is, only the facade he is manufacturing. The other possible reason is the one that happened to me (along with just a smattering of the above reason). This is that he simply does not want to remarry. He does love you, but he had a bad relationship "and doesn't want to get into the same thing he just got out of" - no matter how good it appears to you or him. He's not going to change off of that. If he has you physically, emotionally, spiritually, and you are a great companion, then he can have his cake and eat it too. Simply put, if he gets the divorce, then he knows that immediate pressure will be put on to marry you. He's not ready. He's manipulated you into this position, not because he's a bad person, but because he was needy. And you were. He will keep it this way for a very long time, until he possibly finds another new exciting person in his life. At that point, armed with his new found freedom, he may get his divorce from his wife, but he will execute you so that he is not "trapped" and will be quite free to continue that sort of thing with many other women. If he had any other intention otherwise, he would have gotten his divorce. My advice is to stop the relationship, and be cordial, sweet, and be his friend. No sex. No love. Explain that you respect his desire to not file, and you will stand back until he does. STICK TO THIS. Lovingly. If he is serious about you, and "had his cake and was eating it too" he will immediately move to resolve this cognitive dissonance. If he was simply using you and does not want to remarry or be serious, and thus "no divorce," then that will be clear. It's probably and possibly your only solution. Best wishes my friend, I've been there and done that...it was hard, given the love I felt. In my case, he finally had to break up with me because I didn't get the hint. (ouch!)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): He's still in love with his ex. If he loves you so much he would of already gone and done it. Why would anyone want to stay married to their EX. They broke up for a reason. He probably still talks to her, i don't. Just becareful i guess with whatever you do.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 April 2010):
 It's his excuse to not having to be fully committed to you. Basically he is having you, his girl friend, but do to whatever reason he "can't" divorce his wife.... Sure he can.. He just won't.
For his all this works. His wife can't be mad at him for seeing you, because they are "technically" separated, yet she still gets all the financial benefits of a wife, you are still in the relationship 2 years later...
What can I say.. it's pretty obvious..
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A
female
reader, Roadster73  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 maybe he doesnt want to get a divorce cause he doesnt want to get married again, maybe thats what he thinks you want and will reject him if he says he doesnt want too...or maybe he has just got to a comfy place with his ex wife and doesnt want to upset the apple cart so to speak by going through a divorce...they 9 times out of 10 get nasty and petty?
lastly it may just generally be the cost, mine was simply but still cost me £5000!!
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A
female
reader, Jo Rocks  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 I think that he still may have feelings for his ex combined with not wanting to admit to himself that the relationship has failed and is really over. He is still attached to something in that relationship, some idea of the past that he has had and is unwilling to let of.
He is only thinking about himself staying married to her so understand that it is ok for you to be a little selfish and think of your own needs and wants. It's natural to want to be first lady in his life so it may be time to have the talk. It's either her or you. If he chooses her then you never really had his heart in the first place.
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A
female
reader, cnith +, writes (19 April 2010):
 yeah right very little contact with his wife... uh huh... and I suppose he has a boat to sell you for the sahara too.
STOP FOOLING YOURSELF. He doesnt love you. He's treating you like a horse with no s...
Treat yourself better. Find a man who really DOES love you. Hell, find yourself a MAN.
That thing you're seeing? That's not a man. That's a male coward thing.
Love doesn't go around playing stupid games for two years. I can't believe you allowed yourself to be treated this way. Stop. Please. You deserve better!!
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (19 April 2010):
 He keeps dodging the question well give him an ultimatum stand up for yourself, if he loves you there should be no reason for him to divorce his wife and give you your place as his wife.
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A
female
reader, Sanita  +, writes (19 April 2010):
I understand how you feel. I know whats it's like to love someone so much that you will do anything for them(with the exception of anything illlegal,lol). It's clear that he's still in love with his wife, even though he says he's over her and he loves you more than he loves her. All men say things like that, i love you more than life itself, more than i love anyone else, more than all the women in my past relationships, thats all "a bag of crap", they don't mean it, they just say things like this to get one thing, "sex". Not all men are like this but some are.
Based on what you've said, it seems as if he's still in love with his wife and could even be contemplating in getting back together with her. Or he needs sometime to grieve and think things through but i must say that if after being separated from his wife from two years and he still refuse to fully commit himself to you then move on, it makes no sense for you to be with soe=meone whose afraid of getting out of the past or over the past(his wife)
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A
female
reader, Redoctober +, writes (19 April 2010):
Dear Anonymous,
You have to decide if the way the relationship is going is fine with you and whether you are prepared to carry on with it for the long term. As much two years is a long time to be going out with someone for them not to have decided what they want, it can only continue with you agreeing to it. So I would say have a long think about it, maybe have another talk with him as I am sure you don't want to throw 2 years down the drain and make up your mind. Whatever you decide, you have to be prepared to live with it. Good luck and let me know
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): I'm sorry, but it sounds like he is still in love with his ex. I have a friend whose parents got together when he was seperated and even though they have been married 20yrs. he is still in love with his ex. He will never leave her, even if they talk once a year there will always be that doubt there.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (19 April 2010):
sorry but it sounds as if hes making excuses. I went out with a guy and had a similar problem, he had no kids but was making similar (irrelevant) excuses. best thing is to give him an ultimatum. its necessary for your future happiness. I know its not what you want to hear but after being there myself its the best thing for you to do. your not being unreasonable
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A
female
reader, toniaa +, writes (19 April 2010):
 hi there
what i think you should do is sit him down and tell him how you feel about him still being married to his wife. Also tell him what this is going to do to your relationship if he does not get divorced from his wife. To me he is using this money thing as an excuse for him not to divorce yes he may want some money but being with someone who you really care and love is all that matters money shouldn't come before them. Yes you may really love this person but the question is does he feel the same way for you? if i was in the same situataion as you i would feel hurt and feel he still has feelings for his wife. well i hope that i have been able to help you with this.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 April 2010):
If he won't divorce her, then that means he's not totally committed to you. Realistically, when a man loves you, he will divorce his wife to be with you. They're already separated, so it's not like the children haven't already been through the pain of them splitting up. He has no excuse not to divorce, which means he's not totally committed to you at all.
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