A
female
age
30-35,
*user
writes:About three months ago, my boyfriend and I broke up, and a man that I had known and loved for five years (but never pursued it or said anything to anyone as he is attached and 18 years older) kissed me. Since then we have been seeing each other on and off, always very aware that he is cheating and should not be doing this, feeling awfully guilty and breaking it off. Then we realise that we can't stay away from each other or keep our hands off each other. He tells me that he is in love with me and that he has never felt this way about anyone, that he has loved me for years, but for the same reasons as me, not said or done anything about it. He is very caring and loving and does not want to hurt his girlfriend by splitting up with her for someone else, and so has a problem with breaking up with her for me. He wants to wait until their relationship ends naturally for us to be together properly. I am not convinced. They live together and have done for three years, and she has a child (not his) who lives with them too. I don't think that the relationship will end naturally, and the jealousy is driving me mad. I know that I am the one in the wrong here, but I truly love him and I believe that he feels the same way. Surely that should be a priority?What can I do to either convince him to tell her, or to stop myself feeling so jealous whenever I see them together?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2007): I have been there, a man cheated me he was single but yes was living with a woman (for three years) and had a son.When i discovered he kept saying he is looking for means of separation and he kept lying every ther day with a hope of marrying me BUT it just dawned on me that will never happen its hard but i have to move on.He is not worth a man and should he separate i bet i cant go for him.That could be just his character.
So Move on You can make it and you dont deserve that.You are worth a good man worth his name!!
A
female
reader, fey +, writes (28 July 2007):
Afternoon,
To be honest there is nothing you can really do but end the situation as quickly as possible. I have also experienced being someone elses secret and although we began as just friends, i easily fell into the trap of cheating with a married man. I kidded myself that as i was single i wasn't the one cheating but deep down that was just a lie. This has only recently ended and although i still feel very sad i already feel happier and more in control of myself. Given time i was able to stay friends with the guy but will NEVER allow myself to get involved with anyone attached again. At the moment your mind is all clouded, you are hanging on to the promise of him being with you - but really how long are you prepared to hang in there? You need to be brave and honest with yourself. If you are meant to be together the only way you will really know is if you take the control back and break off with him, if he wants you he will realise how much he misses you and end his relationship with his girlfriend. Dont wake up one morning and hate yourself for wasting your life, you are a young lady with your whole life ahead of you - go out there and live it and not be someone looking in from the outside.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): What can you do to stop feeling so jealous? This one's a no-brainer! You can dump him!
He's got all the "sweets" stringing two women along and not really being committed to either.
If he wanted to be with you, he WOULD end it with her. Its up to you to refuse to let him waste any more of your time!
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A
female
reader, splendid_spiders  +, writes (27 July 2007):
I was in your exact same shoes on and off for four years, and now I live with the guy and we're having a baby. And so far I'm the happiest I've ever been! However, my situation is one in a million and I agree that this will end in tears. BUT if you want to know how I coped and ended up with my man, you're in for a long ride! If you really want this man, you are going to have to stay emotionally detatched for as long as it takes. You are going to have to cope with feeling used at times and the tears when he says goodbye at the end of a passion filled night. You may also have to cope with not hearing from him for months at a time, and when you do hear from him, you will have to listen to his emotional issues regarding his torn relationship with her. Also, the harder you fall, the more envious of her you will feel. And if you do end up with him (and this is the big one!) you will have to cope with trust issues regarding him cheating on you ... because it will always be in your mind: if he cheated with you, he will cheat on you. So, if this is something you think you can handle, go for it! Otherwise, I say: move on! There are many sweet, single men out there. And I will tell you this from experience: he will not leave her because you convince him to. He will only leave her on his own accord and there is really nothing you can do about it ... but wait. Do you have time for that? You only live once. Do you really want to waste your time? Good luck! :)
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female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (27 July 2007):
 Well you can do one of two things...You could annonymously mail her a picture of the two of you in a compromising kiss that you exchanged in a public place (anyone could've snapped the picture and you would have never known, right?). That might help the realtionship end "naturally"...but of course, it could backfire on you and you might find out that he's really quite in love with her afterall. The other thing you can do is give him an ultimatum. Her or you. I suspect he's just having a fling with you because their relationship is settled because there's nothing new to discover, so that should tell you what to expect if you end up in a long-term relationship with him. Unless she's the type to commit suicide over the news, I see no reason why he hasn't pulled the plug on their relationship to be with someone he claims to love.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (27 July 2007):
 If you research this, statistics will tell you, if someone is going to leave their wife/hubby the majority will do so within weeks. Otherwise its likely they are stringing you along.I expect a lot of us have fallen into the getting with a married/attatched guy trap at some point, and its not a pretty outcome. If they do eventually leave their partner, they tend to go back. People get bored. Think the grass is greener, but soon realise reality.If he does leave her, how are you going to feel when shes contacting him all time, making him feel guilty, tugging at the heart strings.Im only saying this as i have been there, pretty recently. Apparently their 6 yr relationship was over long before he met me, blah blah blah, and 2 weeks after i met him he did leave her, but she had a teen daughter he saw as his own, he kept in touch with his ex but lied about things and it was all a complete nightmare to be honest. Im glad i got out before i fell for him.I would seriously think about being mega strong and not keeping the relationship going. Because im 90% sure it will end in tears.Seeing an attatched person is a killer.Good luckC XXXXX
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 July 2007):
 I am fully with Beckto. This is a lot of BS. If he were that caring about anyone's feelings, he wouldn't be hurting his wife's, or yours; he'd be faithful to one woman, and one woman alone.
So, he loved you and cared for you for five years, but he went to live with his current partner anyways?
I know you're in love, but he is not. No matter how hard it is, move on, dear.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2007): He won't leave his partner even if he is infatuated with you. Some men seem to need more than one woman and he seems one of them. If you two got together he could easily do the same to you. Find someone else. I expect he is being a Dad to his partner's child and poor, poor thing if it has to face yet another broken promise from an adult and be let down again.
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A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (27 July 2007):
 I don’t understand, what is a natural end to a relationship? Did he explain to you what that means? I’m curious to know more about that!
I don’t doubt for a second that he fancies you but I don’t think he will break up with his girlfriend for you. Let’s put the age different aside for the time being and concentrate only on his behavior (not his words). Apart from the fact that he can not keep his hands off you, is there anything that indicates that he has the slightest intentions to leave his girlfriend for you? That these meetings with you, a gorgeous, young woman, is anything else than an adventure for him? Don’t torment yourself with being the other woman, no matter how much you desire this man. Try looking upon him with clear eyes. Prove him right (or wrong), tell him you like him a lot and want to be with him and if he wants the same with you, then he must make you his exclusive girl. Until he does, don’t get intimate with him and do surround yourself with other good men. Not to make him jealous but to take care of yourself and nurture your self esteem, to give you other perspectives and hopefully meet a better man that has eyes only for you. A man that deserves you. I don’t think this other man do.
Take care and be true to your heart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2007):
The truth is he may love you but with out him able to commit to just you is unfair. 3 or more does not work in a relationship and therefore you will never feel at ease. As hard as it my seem you need to break it off with him and move on with your life. And if he does really love you then you will know because he will end the relationship he's in and be with you. And if he doesn't then he truely never loved you in the first place. I have been through this myself and with all the tears that i had shed i found the right man without all the drama and you can too. Your worth a real commitment...good luck you can do it your not alone in this one.
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A
female
reader, Beckto +, writes (27 July 2007):
 End "naturally?" What the heck does that mean?? I think that's a load of BS, if you ask me.
If he's cheating on her, then he needs to buck up and stop wasting everyone's time. By staying with her and not "hurting" her "feelings" he's misleading her and wasting her time! Yours too! He can't take the guilt of breaking up with her, even for her sake? Then that's actually selfish than rather than sensitive or being nice...
I, personally, would prefer to be with a man who prefers the more difficult, but right thing to do. Staying with her while leading you on, all for his sake, is incredibly selfish, unmanly and weak.
If that's not a red flag that you need to find someone better, than I don't know what is. I think you need to listen to your feeling of unease. Your gut is telling you something is wrong, and you should probably listen to that.
Good luck.
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