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female
age
26-29,
*achaparritax19
writes:Please dont judge. all i want is advice and hear what you think.First of all I am 18 years old, and i am going out with a guy that is 12 years older than me. We have been dateing for about 9 months.you should know that My parents HATE this guy. But they dont know that i LOVE him. My parents and i dont get along to well. My dad and i dont even speak. At first we werent taking each other too serious. He was nice but about 3 months ago, there were time where he was mean, he didnt take time to see eachtoher. i felt like he didnt care anymore, or that he probably had another girlfriend. But for a month or so, he has changed so much! now everything is just great! He has been sweet, and just way to lovely with me, He even told me he wants to marry me, and whats us to be a familyHe also told me to talk to my mom, so he can go talk to them and ask for permision to be going out.But i am scared!!! i know my mom will be angry if she finds out i'm going out with him.He is the love of my life. Please give me some advice. What should i do. its etiher my family or the guy i know i want to spend the rest of my live with. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, yupthatsme  +, writes (13 January 2013):
Well I am in your same situation as far as liking a man. I am 19 and he is 29. Basically, the heart does indeed want what it wants. Do what you feel, i cant stress that enough. Eventually if you keep dating him your parents will see how serious you both are about each other. Maybe keep dating and figure out when to tell them. He is older and has no kids but he needs to understand that its going to take more time than 9months for them to warm up to the idea of him. I hope everything works out.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 January 2013):
 I do not have an issue with age gap relationships. I am 13 yrs older than my husband.
There are some issues I have concerns with here.
1. You are only dating 9 months. What you want at 18 may not be what you want at 21 and is almost definitely not going to be what you want at 30. I married my first husband at 21. We separated when I was just shy of 30. We had been dating over 2 years when we married… but still I changed after children…. It’s a fact of life we change as we age… even in our 20s and 30s. My hubby is 39 and is having an emotional growth spurt now that is very hard on us as newlyweds…
2. You and your dad do not speak… how long has this been? is your boyfriend at all like your dad?
3. Things have already been rocky in this 9 month relationship at least one time you report….
4. You are still so young as to believe that you need to do things only if your parents approve. My folks were asked about my first marriage… and their approval was needed by me. Subsequent marriages, they were told I was getting married NOT ASKED for permission. IF you are young enough to be worried and scared about what mommy thinks, you may not be ready for a truly mature relationship with a 30 yr old man
My take on this… I would be concerned that a 30 year old man wants to be with my 18 yr old daughter if I was not used to age gap relationships. I have some friends with a bigger gap and SHE is the older one… they married a few years back when he was 22 and they have a nice 4 year old now…
IF you want to date him, I would make it a LONG dating process, NO getting engaged, no living together, NO planning a marriage any time soon.
Get your degree first, then consider what you want the relationship to be. Do not make any commitments that you will feel obligated to keep.
Maybe do what I did with my dad when I started dating my hubby… dad is a few states away and I’m a grown woman but still it’s hard to tell your dad that at 50 you are dating a man who is 37…..
So it went like this :
Week one phone call: Daddy I met someone… “that’s nice” and that was all I said
Week two “daddy J and I went to blah blah blah..” we have fun together that’s nice
Week three.. ‘ daddy have I mentioned that J is a bit younger than I am” “no really” ‘yep, hey btw your grandsons (also grown) did such and such last week” (artfully changing the topic) HEY GOTTA go, love you talk to you next week… hang up…
Basically I kept mentioning his name and the things we did and the fun we had and showed my dad slowly that we were meshed and having a good relationship… once my dad was ok hearing this man mentioned on a regular basis I hit him with how young he was… he was a bit surprised but as I was on my own he had no say in it. He happily watched me marry him last last year…
Maybe just mention the guy to mom as a friend. Let mom get to know him… slowly…
Do not rush in with “I’m in love and getting married” you are way to young for that regardless of the man’s age.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 January 2013):
 I would not tell them just yet. You can't be sure he is the love of your life, you have only been seeing him for 9 months, during which you have had ups and downs and he has shown a mean , uncaring side. Now this seems to have changed since about one month ago, and let's hope it will last, but it's a bit too early to say it's a permanent change, and that you have overcome all your problems . Wait some more to see if the change " takes " and if the relationship gets stronger and more stabilized.
It would be silly to create drama and strife in the family- for something temporary.
Another things to consider is, why do your parents hate him ? If it's ONLY because of his age, that may just be a prejudice , but often parents are not the irrational, overbearing monsters that their kids make them out :). Often parents have fine tuned antennas... and if they get bad vibes, often something IS the matter with the guy...
do you know why they hate your bf ?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): i know it's hard to understand now, but i remember when i was 18. i thought i knew exactly what i wanted. but the truth is that the things i thought i wanted then turned out to be nothing of what i want now. you won't fully develop mentally and emotionally until your mid to late 20's. take my word on that. so my advice is that rushing into a marriage so young is just asking for trouble. especially if you wind up pregnant down the road, etc. seems like a lot of complications. there's nothing wrong with seeing him and being committed to him. but to make that kind of a commitment so young isn't a great idea. he's older than you. that may be what he wants at his age. but it doesn't mean you need to be ready. take your time.
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (2 January 2013):
 If I was your parent I would probably hate him too, but it is your life. Unfortunately in this situation time is the only way to prove you are serious. If you can stick this relationship out for a decent amount of time and your parents will see he isn't only into you because you are 18.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2013): Well I'm not gonna lie I love older men. If your parents don't like him now they will come around but if they don't screw it the heart will get what it wants :).
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