A
female
age
30-35,
*oneyDiip
writes:I'm in desperate need of advice. I've broken up with my boyfriend of four years. He was 5 years my senior. When we began our relationship I was 16 and he was 21. Both very young. In many ways we were on the same level mentally. I honestly couldn't believe that he was really 21. Now I'm 20 and he is 25. My overall feelings for him began to change. I still love him. But I'm not IN love with him any more. Many different things caused this. His lack of social skills. And mental controlling habits when I wanted to go out with my friends. He's incredibly needy and attached. At one point we even lived together. Which made it even harder for me to spend time away from him with out issues. He developed this hate for my best friends, who besides him, are the only people I spent time with. He blamed them when our relationship began to go downhill. Now, there are many good things that I can say about him. He never cheated. Never lied. Welcomed me into his life with open arms. And helped me financially my senior year of high school when I needed it. But at the same time without me realizing. During the course of our relationship, he became VERY dependent on me. Emotionally and and mentally. He has no real friends. And his family ties are slightly limited. Especially with family members his age. So in essence, there was just me. And for quite some time, I was okay with that. But when I finally began to realize and feel uncomfortable with it, I wanted out. The relationship lost a lot of its spark and I began to just get irritated by him. Now, I never stopped caring. Not once. Not even now. We were eachother's first love. Understood. But this is where everything started to go wrong. A few days after I broke up with him, he began acting irrational. Denial is an understatement. He began reaching out to my family and friends. Calling them, even coming to my job. When these actions were ignored, he began to threaten to kill himself if I didn't pick up for him or agree to see him. Many of my family members have spoken to him and suggested some counseling or therapy. But he's convinced that there is nothing wrong with how he is reacting. And at this point these threats have been going on for about a month now. Along with these threats are also constant call and text messages. Non-stop! Reminding me that" he can't live with out me" and "he wants me back" and how "he loves me to death" and how "I've ruined his life". He even let's me know on the daily basis through text that he can't function without me. He began messing up in school and blames his lack of focus on me. I already felt guilt for losing my feelings for him and breaking his heart. But such consistent reminders from him just makes it a thousand times worse for me. I'm having a very difficult time knowing that I've caused someone SO much pain. I know that I can't stop how I feel or sacrifice my own happiness for his. Because in the end, neither one of us will be happy. But the guilt I feel is almost unbearable. Obviously this is someone I care for very much. But it seems that he feel that I don't care because I still don't want to be with him. He begs for a second chance. And I try to explain to him that there is nothing that he can do to change the way I feel. And that he did nothing wrong. But this means nothing to him. Now I'm stuck feeling like the bad guy. And I just don't know what I would do if he ever did anything to hurt himself. I'm just really scared for him. He shows no signs of improvement. And its been about four months now. I guess what I'm asking is, how do I cope? How can I help him cope? How long will we both feel like this? When will this be over? I just need any advice that anyone can give. PLEASE Help.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Often people say, "just get over it", "move on" with a break up, and that really is easier said than done. In breakups one or both parties will always end up hurt. That doesn't obligate you to stay with someone in order to avoid hurting them, but at the same time it doesn't mean he has to be happy, excited and jumping for joy in regards to your choice. Even people who mutually choose to split experience pain from doing so. That's human nature.
I do believe there are some emotionally driven mental issues that are going on from his end. I believe this, by how he's going about this breakup. Those he should seek counseling for. It's not up to you to help him cope. His needing help to do so needs to be with someone who's professional in that area and can develop a real plan for his doing so.
As far as anything else I'd say regarding your breakup, the other poster stated. I hope everything works out for you. Take care.
A
male
reader, Love-Wisely +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Rejection triggers obsession. By the sound of it, the obsessive vibe put you off of the relationship in the fist place. It means your instincts were correct. Now you have to take courage, and follow your instincts to completion.
Guys generally have less friends. When we are in a relationship, it gets even easier to loose touch with them. That isn't your fault, and you can't allow yourself to feel bad over it.
Believe it or not, you are doing the right thing. It's also important that you ignore 100% contact from him. It might be time to change your number - if you can't resist his attempts at distracting you. When he shows up, have your Dad, or brother, or boss talk to him. Every single time.
It's unlikely he will kill himself over you. And you can't alter your behavior, or allow him to control your life out of fear. We often must go to extremely great lengths to loose an obsessive ex-lover. Be prepared for the long haul.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Nobody can MAKE us feel something if we do not allow them. We are responsible not only for our actions, but also for our feelings and thoughts.
There is no direct cause-effect relationship about your behaviour and his mood, or viceversa.
Another guy could very possibly have been turned off by your coldness and distance; he could have decided that " who does not love me does not deserve me ".
So, it's not you who make him feel bad- it's is own emotional dependency and abandonment issues. You are not his therapist , you have no duty to make yourself miserable to make him happy. He needs to take care of his mental and emotional health , as many times he has been invited to do. Again, if he rejects this invitation this is his responsability , not yours.
It works viceversa, too. It's very normal that you feel compassion , and regret for having had to hurt someone you care about. But guilt ? You did not do anything AGAINST him, you did something FOR yourself- it's different. Your guilt comes from a misconception- that you have to put other people's happiness before yours, or that we MUST love back who loves us otherwise it means we are selfish and ungrateful, - or some other dysfunctional idea.
If the guilt is really tearing you apart, why don't you talk with a counselor that can help you examine and elaborate your feelings, and help you cope with them appropriately.
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