A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:12 Years ago, my sister got pregnant out of wedlock and at first tried to move out of her apartment with her friends and home with us. Thankfully, her friends weren't having it because she owed rent money (she had planned to work from home and pay her rent there by money order and a post office box), and they didn't think it was right that she was trying to up and disappear from her baby's father and never look back. Sister claimed that Father was abusive but her friends said that no, he was not, just that he was a little controlling and blew up at her sometimes but we all know how she is so it's understandable. She claimed the roommates invited friends over, ate up her food (if she bought it, ordered it whatever), used up her toiletries and ran up her phone bill (back when they had a ground phone and no one had cell phones). Well, we were raised that you don't eat in front of others without sharing - if she ordred pizza or Chinese HERE we would just take some because it's unacceptable to do that to people and she knows it. She also knows better than to try that here anyway! As for food in the house, it belongs to EVERYONE in the house, not just her. I can see why her roommates wanted some considering they were in financial straits and she had dropped out of school and was working two jobs - she could afford it and they couldn't. They ran up her bill because she chose to shut off long distance. To this day she STILL rants about how they "treated her" and how "controlling" her ex was. Believe me, she was using marijuana and had gotten drunk a few times so it's understandable. Besides, like I said, she'd dropped out of college because Mom and Dad were paying and had laid down rules she felt she didn't have to follow because she was an "adult" This is all to illustrate Sister's attitude throughout life.Sister wanted to move home, pay her rent there, and basically have nothing to do with Father AND she wanted to put my nephew up for adoption. If he had agreed, we would have found SOME family member who could have taken my nephew in. In fact, Father's PARENTS suggested TEMPORARY CUSTODY as well as offered her a place to stay for free if she married him and a job. That way, she could get on her feet and take custody back and it would all work out. We've met them and communicated with them over the years. They're good, Christian people who used to do foster care and they would NEVER abuse anyone. But my sister felt they were "too controlling" (our parents were too, she said) and didn't want to do that. Basically, she wanted to just give my nephew up. Needless to say, Father put a stop to that REAL quick. he has rights too and suggested HE take my nephew and SISTER pay HIM child support. That's when Sister started talking about how abusive he was and how he used drugs and had a criminal record and a temper and how she had to move here.We believed her, started divorce proceedings, and helped her out. Father never showed up for court and never stepped in to pay child support and never visited although his PARENTS did. Sister paid our parents back for the divorce, paid off all debts, went to college and started to grow up finally. (She was 22 when she had my nephew so it wasn't like she was a high school student). It took her FOUR YEARS to get a two-year degree (full time) because she kept getting kicked out of programs that "weren't for her". As in, she COULD get good grades, but she couldn't actually do the job when it came to the clinicals in physical therapy or nursing or dental hygiene. She finally got a degree in medical office work and then had a hard time finding work because she had no experience and quite honestly, she doesn't take care of her appearance. She let her teeth go bad and she's very overweight and really doesn't keep that clean.Then, we found out she had a drinking and pain pill problem. We were NOT raised in a household where people drank AT ALL and we didn't go to bars or anything and we were raised not to associate with people who did. She never really went to bars, just snuck drinks at home and we didn't pick up on it because we believed it was her medication like she said. She claimed she had mental health issues, but we really think now that it was a compulsive lying issue. We found out from her ex's parents that she claimed she was raised in a different religion than what we were, that there was a tragic death in our family that she witnessed at a young age, that she was raped at a young age, that she'd miscarried a baby in high school ... all of those were flat-out lies. She even lied about the jobs our parents had had, whether or not she wore braces, what her bedroom looked like growing up, her sexual orientation ... everything!When confronted about all this, she just kept saying, "I don't know, I don't know ..." and blames everyone and everything but herself. Our parents stayed married, never argued or disagreed in front of us, both worked full time at different times and one parent was always home, we went to church, we were taught manners and financial management and how to clean and how to look after ourselves and how to stick to a routine. There is NO REASON for her to have had ANY of these issues! There was no abuse, no molestation, no trauma and she didn't even go anywhere alone with a guy without supervision and there was no OPPORTUNITY for her to drink or try drugs in high school. Honestly, our parents were very strict so there was no alone time. We weren't even allowed in our rooms unless it was sleep-time or time to change your clothes and the bathroom was always fair game to our mother if someone was in it so there was no reason or chance for her to have done ANY of those things. All lies.So Sister ends up involved with Children's Services but since she lived at home (never moved out) she kept custody and got two years probation. She got done with that, started messing around with pain pills again and got involved in Childrens Services AGAIN. The judge put SISTER out and had her live in a shelter until she could get it right and she couldn't. So he sentenced her to treatment an hour away and she completed that. Then she moved to a halfway house two hours away even though she COULD have moved home. Honestly, we think that she just wanted to be far away so she wouldn't have to have us know what was going on. When she was in the halfway house and treatment, NO ONE would tell us ANYTHING although Sister had a chance to fill out release of information. Staff there thought that Sister's stories were true when they weren't and treated us like we were ignorant and not understanding and that Sister was just "sick".She got her own apartment, we were proud of her for finally doing right (all the things they "taught" her there were things OUR FAMILY taught her growing up, so I don't really think she accomplished anything) and my nephew moved in with her. After she was no longer a client, one of her former sponsors talked to me about an older brother and niece and it turned out that Sister had made up an older brother and claimed that she lost a daughter to children's services because she was molested and that her brother adopted her (what?!) Who makes up awful stories like that? NONE of it has a grain of truth to it! And she went on and on about being picked on in school (yeah, she was, but not as bad as she says - at all). She was lying even then, making up friends in other cities and travels to other places, and she had pen-pals that she COMPLETELY lied to about EVERYTHING because our mother found those and put a stop to the letters But yes, EVERYTHING has always been a lie. We found out she had three blogs, where she was pretending to be three different people (our uncle works with computers and got into hers when she was having trouble). I just really don't understand any of thisJust three months after Nephew moved back with her (and he was SO looking forward to it! He loves her more than she deserves) she drank again and our aunt took him for a few days. Then she stayed sober and went out for a week and ended up in the hospital. She claims she only remembers one bottle and then waking up in the hospital but that's a lie - she drank 6 and her floor was covered in dried vomit and she was naked and there was broken glass in the sink and her fingers were all cut up. She lost Nephew AGAIN but no family member was able to take him in because we all live so far away and he went into foster care. He has been there a year and a half, they extended the program and she has only completed ONE of six classes. She keeps missing classes, going into rehab, going into the hospital etc. It's almost like she doesn't want himOne more chance, and now she may not get custody, the former mother-in-law and her husband may. Father is back in Nephew's life and he's fairly on the straight-and-narrow but he says he's not ready to raise a kid. The in-laws are lovely people but Sister is all up in arms because they want her to move BACK with them, get ajob with them, and basically she'll get to do everything she already did with nephew but they'd oversee it. I think this is a wonderful solution and I truly think Sister needs it but she won't budge. So if they take custody, she'll basically abandon him and stay right where she is, "working on herself". SHE'S HAD TIME TO DO THAT. Also, us immediate family members who worked so hard with him won't be able to see him as often because of the distance - they live in another state.I'm sorry I sound like I hate my sister. I don't. I'm just so hurt and so angry and so afraid and I've tried, and tried, and basically our mom and I did everything and ... we're sick of waiting for Sister to get it together. And we're sick about how my nephew has been treated and hwat he went through. Sister never beat him or told him he was worthless, she never neglected to feed him and he always had clothes and a roof over his head, but she herself didn't do any of that, she was just, at best, in a haze. I guess you could say that, a haze. All her life she would be in a haze where she would stare at nothing until she was prodded (then she could work real well with upclose supervison) or else she would pace and talk to herself a lot and get mad when people got "in her space". But it's just worse and worse. My heart is breaking for my nephew, I'm disgusted by my sister's attitude and actions, and I just want her to get it together and do right! I don't know what I'm asking for. Maybe for insight and understanding?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): OP,I can see why you're frustrated and maybe even resentful that what she's doing is hurting everyone. I would probably not be too happy with her either.However, in your response, you've really passed all the blame to her for not acting how you were brought up to.OP, neither your nor she is a computer that you programme to react in a specific way in any given situation. She is a human being! She feels, she thinks and has autonomy of mind. In the same way you chose to kiss boys, she chose to go a little further. Did your parents ever tell you to kiss boys in college? No? So you and your sister chose your paths regardless of what your family taught you. See her as a person in her own right not just as your parents' spawn.It is also really important for you OP to realise that you and your family have played a part in contributing to this situation. She did not want the child and she tried to act in the interests of the child by putting him up for adoption. Since you say that she is very intelligent, why didn't you let her decide according to her limitations as she saw them.OP, you and your family forced her to try to 'love' a child when she knew she was not capable. Then you forced her to love her husband hoping that would fix everything. Why are you so surprised that neither of these things have worked out? They were your and your family's choices, not hers. If you really wanted to be charitable why didn't you adopt the baby yourselves? I know that you mean well but it is heartbreaking to see a family breaking the very soul of someone they love in the name of 'making them do the right thing as we were taught'. I really do feel sorry fpr your sister because her life must be miserable with the burden of choices your family made for her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): OP hereI think most of my hurt and anger here is because of the way we were raised. We (our family) visited Sister at rehabs, hospitals, and halfway houses and had family education where all the residents talked about their drug history. All stories were heartbreaking, especially from those who were born crack-addicted or grew up in a home with addicts or alcoholics. Those people were exposed to it and felt that it was normal. Some grew up with functional pot-smokers or parents who drank heavily and they just thought it was what people did sometimes. One girl said that she kept getting with men who drank because growing up, that's what she thought men did. The anger and hurt I feel is because Sister and I did NOT grow up that way. So her experimenting AT ALL is hurtful. Had she not done that, she wouldn't be where she is today.We were raised ina very strict, sheltered environment and I resented it sometimes. Friends weren't allowed in our rooms, we couldn't be alone with a boy and we really weren't left alone for long periods. A lot of this was to protect us from experimenting with sex or masturbation by making the opportunities very rare. While our parents were extreme, the idea was to teach us good habits and how to set boundaries for ourselvles once we were out of the house. I never ONCE let a boy in my dorm room unless there was a group of people, I never once took a ride from a man I didn't know and trust, and I never liked being alone with a male for extended periods. Yes, I experimented with msking out a few times but it turned out that those boys ONLY wanted to do that and tried to get me alone with them as much as possible for longer and longer periods of time. I can't say I was "used" for sex, but I sure felt used! Did I "miss otu" on many dating opportunities because of not drinking/being around it and not wanting to be alone with boys? Absolutely! But to me, those boys weren't worth dating anyway because they didn't want to get to know me on a purely mental, emotional, and spiritual level. Sure, I had SOME sexual attraction, but it's always been very low and I think that's because I kept myself exposed to it as little as possible.I do not think that those things are "bad" ro "dirty" but Sister's troubles come from her experimenting and that IS really hard to forgive because it wasn't like she didn't know better! It was a little harsh about her roommates, I can see that now. They dd take advantage of her and there were ways out of those situations but she wasn't aware of them because we weren't taught - that's because oru parents wanted her to fall on her face, to teach her a lesson: get to know someone before you move in with them, have them sign contracts that they'll pay their bills and discuss what kind of peopole and WHEN those people can come over and what activities are unacceptable. Grown adults need to be careful that their friends have the same values and ideals they have before moving in with them. Sister just wanted freedom and to be out fo the house. That is where freedom got her.If a person cannot take care of a baby, and their immediate family cannot do it, then I can see adoption as a reasonable option. In Sister's case, she knew what to do, she just wasn't doing it unless she had someone over her shoulder. We were all hoping that if someone had temporary custody of the baby and Sister lived with that person, she would get on her feet, grow up, and take over custody. The assumption was that she would come around and realize that she didn't want to give the child up after all. With the help and support she had, simply put ting the child up for adoption WOULD have been a very selfish choice. ESPECIALLY since the father of the child has rights too and HE didn't want tthe child in the system. The former mother in law would have been a goog choice because Nephew would have grown up knowing exactly who his parents were and what their values were. he would be able to grow up and ask questions such as, "Why did you decide you just didn't want me?" Because that's anothe rthing that really hurts me: Sister simply didn't WANT Nephew.I think another thing that really gets to me is the mental illness. Sister is VERY intelligent and everyone who meets her thinks she's kind, funny, and insightful - and she IS! But sometimes she really goes off the rails for no reason and if she HAD had more freedom growing up, if she HAD been able to keep her life as compartmentalized as she tr ied to, the lying and drug/alcohol use would have gotten worse and worse. It would have KILLED her. She's too smart and too able-bodied to be in a group home, she has so much going for her, but she has always rejected the good (from childhood even) and that hurts me too, that she would do that. That is what I just don't understand. How she is basically looking at Nephew and saying, "I don't want you, I never wanted you." It's hard not to judge a person who does something like that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): So when I read your post this is what I hear.My sister got pregnant at a young age. She realised she could not cope alone so she tried to move back to be with her close family where she would have support through this difficult time. But she could feel that they did not want to be a part of this. She knew right from the start that she was not ready or not capable of being the mother her child would need and tried to give him the opportunity to have a mother and a father that would provide the loving stable home she couldn't. Her family emotionally pressurized her to keep the baby and to marry the father because even though he was abusive, his family was nice. Besides, a pretend happy family with an abusive husband is better than an unmarried mother according to my family's religion.I tried to make it work with my husband but that didn't work. I had to borrow money for the divorce from my parents. I had failed my family for the second time. My reality was a painful one. So I detached more and more from reality and replaced fact with fiction because if I come up with tragic events, they will be responsible for my problems. I won't have failed as much. My family won't be so disappointed and judgemental with me in my alternate universe. Why is it only me who's life sucks? I'm now too depressed to look after my son. I drink to numb the pain. I wish I could do better.I just do not know how to cope. I wish my family were more loving and I wish they'd actually listened when I said I could not cope with parenting just now. But it's too late to change anything. Now I've lost my son to the state and I've lost everything. No one sees any good in me, not even my family. I'll need another bottle to make the pain go away.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 February 2014):
 YOu "ask": "...I don't know what I'm asking for. Maybe for insight and understanding?" Here it is:
Your sister is a big girl. She is an adult. She has to make her OWN WAY in this world..... and it's NOT your job to "save" her from herself....
Relax.... live YOUR life.... let her go on her way... and don't give it a second thought....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2014): I do believe you when you say that you don't hate your sister.However, you are also aware that you may come across as hating her.You have conformed to your parents ways of doing things. For you, this has not even felt like 'conforming' it simply feels right and natural.Your sister has not done this.Because she has not conformed, it has caused you and your family a great deal of upset.What's missing in all of this is that no member of your family has understood why she has not or could not conform to your family's way of doing things. You have not understood why she so often states that she feels controlled or abused by others. Instead, you have judged her, time and time again, for not conforming and for stating how she feels. Instead of trying to understand, fairly and lovingly, why she feels this way - even if it seems bizarre and unreasonable to you - you look for evidence or justifiable reasons for her feelings. Time and again you cite 'evidence' that her feelings are not justified - that her flatmates are entitled to take her food, so she shouldn't feel used or controlled by them, or that her ex-partner's parents are good Christian people, so therefore she has no right to feel that they are controlling.This attitude on your and your family's part, is one that comes from a place of Christian judgement. You mean well, but you are making the situation worse and worse. Christian principles operate on judgement of people's behaviour - I've seen it countless times and it ALWAYS involves judging some people's behaviour as 'bad' in order to then deem others as 'good'. Underlying the 'bad' judgement is one hell of a lot of repressed anger that I've seen so many times used as a form of Christian principle to rectify people's behaviour.Your sister will never be the person that you want her to be, not unless she becomes so mentally ill that she simply submits all will and acts like an automaton. The reason? YOU and YOUR FAMILY have such a limited conception of what it is to be a person - a whole, rich, complex, often contradictory person - that you are forcing her into a limited idea of what she should be.Your attitude makes me angry. I've seen what this kind of control does to people and your sister is absolutely right - in her terms, and those of many others, you ARE being far too controlling. She keeps trying to get help to overcome it and can only get so far because YOU don't change. She does, but you and your family keep undermining her by trying to force her to comply with your ways of doing things.If you want to help her then you have to change. Educate yourself about family dynamics. Educate yourself about the complexities of personhood. Stop this ridiculous Christianity 'care' which is actually out and out control.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 February 2014):
 To be frank I think you should just stay off the issue, and let Social Services do their work. It seems that all in all they have been doing a good job, offering plenty of solutions and opportunities to your sister, and , although she might have been inconsistent/ remiss in catching them, she is coping as well as she can in the circumstamces- and obviously not badly enough to lose custody of her son .
Talk is cheap, and unrequested advices too. At the end of the day , are you / your parents ready / willing / able to take in Nephew NOW and provide for him full time, emotionally and financially ? Or, adopt him legally maybe ? No ?... End of story then, let the mother and the professionals handle the situation as they see fit . You may FEEL that you know best , or you may even actually know best , but you have no title to enforce what's " best " in your personal vision, so- case closed- lay off.
You may have to see your nephew / grandson less- that's life, lot of kids get shuttled around the country due to the needs of their parents. As a matter of fact, I don't feel that a 2 hour distance is such a big hurdle for motivated people. There's tons of people who will drive 2 hours , or take a 2 hours bus or train ride every single weekend - just to try out new restaurants or visit art shows or hang out with old friends, I don't see why you shouldn't be available to do that for your nephew.
The hazy mother, then again, may be hazy but has not been
declared mentally incapacitated or an unfit mother, and has no legal or moral obligation to do what YOU want regarding her son. At least , until a law court does not say so.
You may think that the way your sister is going about thing is capricious and arbitrary - but , so what ? Parenthood is not a democracy, every parenthood is arbitrary and every parental rule or decision debatable . With all due respect, for instance, the rules with which you and sister have grown up , which you call just " severe ", sound to me inordinately arbitrary and capricious. BUT, it would be pointless and presumptous of me tryng to convince you about that ; they were your parents' rules, in their home , and they have been enforced without well meaning interferences. So, let your sister enforce her rules, or lack of the same, for what concerns her offspring. And if you don't have it in you to show her support, affection, encouragement in her path of healing, appreciation for what she has accomplished so far ,no matter how late- if you can't accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative,- which I realize it may be asking you too much at present- at least give her just enough space and respect as family law warrants her, no more and no less.
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