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He treats me like shit but I'm head over heels for him

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Friends, Teenage, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 March 2009) 6 Answers - (Newest, 10 November 2010)
A female United States age 30-35, *owTheNymph writes:

All right, where to start..? I guess first off let me start by saying I am crazy about him and don’t want to loose him…

My man and I have been going out for a half a year now, but he still doesn’t consider me his girlfriend. He told me from the beginning that it would be a while before he would want to be in another relationship. I understand that part but I feel as though he is my boyfriend because of how things are between us. He seems like my dream man, stunningly handsome with a smile that could kill and eyes that melt you. He’s cute, funny, friendly, playful, affectionate, emotional, everything I could ever ask for in a man! But what we have is hell!

He said I love you months ago, that’s another snag, if he doesn’t want a relationship he shouldn’t be saying it, but I do say it back.

We always seem to get in fights cuz he guilt trips me, and it’s over stupid crap like not giving him a call as soon as I get off work or saying good morning as soon as I wake up. Only there’s a LOT more that he complains I don’t do or do wrong. He has specifically asked me to not go to parties unless it’s with him; cuz there’s drunk guys that will hit on me “in his mind”. But he goes to parties with other women an I don’t react like he does.

I cant really hang out with my girls cuz we want to go do things that involve other people including guys. So I cant ever really hang out with my girlfriends. But when it comes to me missin out on my life…

Last Christmas I wanted him to come to my families for dinner, after all he was just sitting at home doing nothing, but he refused. It really upset me because I haven’t been spending barely any time with my own family for example turkey day I spent with his family, and I am always with him on my days off.

The distance between his house and mine is 70 miles and I'm always driving to see him. Sometimes we meet half way and spend the night at his sisters. It would upset me that I would spend sooo much time with him and his family and he wouldn’t do the same for me. But then we had a talk about it; he said he fell in love with me, not my family. He wants only me not my family, maybe family after years. But at the same time am kinda loosing the people I love because I don’t see them.

He gets so upset with a lot of things that he cries. He says he just wants someone who will love him as much as he loves them, I feel like I put a lot into what we have, a lot more then what he gives! Sometimes he hits me, not hard and I know he’s joking around but it still doesn’t feel good, he knows I don’t like it. He always says “Oh so its only ok if I’m inside of you..?” sarcasticly.

Not only that but he keeps doing things when I ask him to stop. I feel sometimes like he has me trained like a dog, it could be something so stupid, like he would be offended if I didn’t say bless you after he sneezes or not say thank you after he does something for me. But he’s really sarcastic at the same time so he jokes about being upset, but sometimes I cant tell if he’s goofing around or not.

But one thing that really bugs me about that is that he upsets me by doing or not doing the same things he gets upset over.

He also says I’m not the same person I was when we first met, who he fell in love with, I was happier. My mom has even said that she thinks he knocks my self-esteem, she’s noted on how I walk, dress, and act. He does pokes fun at me, makes me feel dumb in front of his family and friends but that’s his personality and I feel like I shouldn’t be offended, the things he says are true anyway…

I could make this into my dream relationship; I would just have to give up everything I know. I know in all reality that this relationship is not built to last, I find myself calling him an ass hole while he calls me a bitch. I don’t want to have to end this relationship but I know its not gonna go anywhere.

Im not ready or willing to give it up tho. I could keep going to the end of the earth talking about how flawed this relationship is, but for some reason love overwhelms all and I don’t want to loose hem so I deal with it.

View related questions: christmas, drunk, fell in love, I love you

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A female reader, MissKorang! Ghana +, writes (10 November 2010):

Get out now!!! He is slowly tearing you down, then build you up to suit his selfish requirements. This guy does not give a rat's ass about you.

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A female reader, Fairy_Lu United Kingdom +, writes (11 March 2009):

Fairy_Lu agony auntWake up huni and see the reality this man is controlling you and everything in your life and its not right! Relationships should be equal you should not have to see his family and not see your own, if you mum has noticed whats gooing on then other people must have aswell, you should not let ANYONE change who you are!

Your asking our advice so deep down you must know that this is not right its not a relationship of equals you are being controlled, he hits you playfully? You must wake up yeah sure its playful now! What about later maybe he does it more does it harder, maybe he stops you from seeing yout family your friends everyone you know, maybe he makes you move in with him. Maybe then you will be alone with nobody to turn to for any help but him, that does not sound like a life or a happy outcome.

You want advice you have it and as far as i can see everyone has told you to end it, it is up to you to take our advice and leave this controlling nightmare of a partner. I know you love him and it will be hard (trust me i have been where you are and i didnt listen to anyone and i wished i had)but in months,weeks maybe years time you will realise that what you have with him is not love and you will find someone to treat you with love and respect that you deserve

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A female reader, sugar_sugar United States +, writes (11 March 2009):

sugar_sugar agony auntWhen you fall in love with someone, you fall in love with the whole package. You want to do things for them, and with them because it makes you happy to do so.

So the line about not falling in love with your family, an absolute cop out.

You guys aren't in a committed relationship, but he doesn't want you seeing other guys. But he is free to see other girls?

Obviously you know this is not right, you are aware that it's not how a relationship should be, but then it's not a relationship.

He doesn't want to meet your family, he doesn't want you going out with you friends, and he doesn't want you going to parties without you. So what part of YOUR life are you allowed to live?

You can't turn this into anything. You can't make him want to meet your family, you can't make him commit to you. He is either not the right guy for you, or it's not the right time for him to be in something like this. I'm guessing both.

It sounds like you're trying for two, as someone who's been there I can tell you, it never works.

You will leave this relationship only when you're ready, so in the mean time I really truly empathise and wish you a lot of luck.

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A male reader, ArmyMedic United Kingdom +, writes (11 March 2009):

ArmyMedic agony auntYou are being selfish here if you truly love him you will stand by him at take what ever he throws at you! He tells you he loves you, isn't that enough? If you give it enough time you could change the way he is and live happily ever after!

What utter rubbish!

This guy is a self centred bully and you may think you love him but that is only because he has made you feel so worthless that you are only staying with him because he occasionally shows you affection! Leave him now!

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A female reader, Emilysanswers United Kingdom +, writes (11 March 2009):

Well you have 2 options:

Give up your friends, family, life, good times, self esteem, self respect, sanity and dignity.... and then you'll be with him (hooray!) but he'll still make you feel like something off the bottom of his shoe.


GROW A BRAIN. Read what you have said here... how is it not clear to you that this man is a selfish, manipulative, controlling psycho?????

He's got you right where he wants you.

This is NEVER going to be your perfect relationship as this man is so messed up that he will break you down and destroy you.

If you want a perfect relationship, or any kind of relationship as you are not this guy's girlfriend, just his maid and call girl and pet dog, then WALK AWAY.

Seriously, if you think everything you have written down here is normal, and this guy is boyfriend material then you have serious problems.

Good Luck!! xx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009):

End it, do you want to be one of those women who stay in an abusive realtionship for years or do you want something more in life? God your not even boyfriend or girfriend togtether. WAKE UP

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