A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing this guy since march 2012. I was 20 and he was 33. He's from south america and was doing his masters. It was his last year here and after he's done with the masters he was supposed to leave. So we started this knowing we don't exactly have so much time.Somehow in September 2012, he cheated on me once with a Russian woman. He knew her before me and they were friends for long. She was about to leave here since she was done with her masters. And he said it was a one night thing since she was leaving soon. Of course I was furious and wanted to end this. But he said since we don't even have that much time left together and it was really a one night thing, please forgive him and be with him. I gave in and I stayed with him. But since then I was always so anxious.Anyways, what can I say. The guy says he is in love with me and loves me so much, he can never be without me.But still I could never trust him. And so I even secretly checked his email. Guess what I found out. She got pregnant and wants to keep the baby, and wants to try to work on having a family with him. And it has been already 3 weeks he knew this. And he even wrote he fell in love with her. I woke him up (I was living with him since May 2012, and it was 2 am) and said honestly I read your email and found out what has been going on, so f*** you, and I'm leaving you, good luck. He tried to hold me so I slapped him in the face like 3 times. I know. Violence doesn't do any good. But I really couldn't help it. It was so infuriating to feel deceived deceived like that and I felt like my world was crashing down. I loved him too much. He told me to stop slapping him. But I did, 2 more times. Somehow he slapped me back. Like twice. And he kneeled and cried and said he is so sorry. He said he didn't want to hurt me and didn't want to lose me. He said I'm the one he's in love with and tried to make it sound like he only told her he's in love with her because he wants the baby so much. I knew he always wanted a baby.Anyways... long story short. He succeeded to convince me again. What an idiot am I, right? She was planning to come here to be with him as soon as she's done with some of the important check ups and go back to her country when it's around time to give birth. She didn't want to do it in any other country. And he was supposed to leave for his country in about 3-4 months. I stayed with him, waiting so nervously when will she finally tell him she booked the ticket. And when I realized I couldn't stand to be even in the same city where she is with him, I decided to leave for New York for about 2 months. She came here when I just left for ny. He still wanted to be in contact with me but somehow we had a fight and he said something really offensive. I was so angry, I wrote couple emails to that woman and told her everything that was happening behind her back. She never wrote back to me but he sent some very angry emails to me.Anyways we stopped contacting each other. And I came home. But I realized there are some very important things that I left in his place. I didn't know if he already left for his country or not but anyways I called him. He answered. I asked him where my stuffs are and he said he left them to his landlord. He told me some things. She went back to her country. But then he told me he is in NYC. He came to meet me but he couldn't, because he thought I was so angry and never want to see him again. And he told me ever since I wrote to her, she was so cold to him.Anyways... I don't know what got into me. But we started talking like we were never apart. He told me how he never stopped loving me and he wants me in his life 'forever'. I know. I'm such a vulnerable and manipulable person and he knew exactly what to say to get me back.Anyways, since then, we became like 'lovers'. We talk every night and day and we skype, we call... I mean he does, with her too sometimes. But not as often as we do. I thought things will change once the baby is born but didn't. He even said things like even if he marries this woman, he will never stop this relationship with me and he wants me forever, and that he loves me so much. We argue, quite often, because I get jealous. He keeps saying that I knew what I was getting into since the fact that they have a baby together doesn't change, and the baby will always be the priority, but that I agreed to be with him since I love him as well.I tried several times to break up with him, but he always found a way to convince me, and yes, I let him do. I don't know what to do anymore honestly.I'm unhappy with him nor without him. I know I'm so stupid and crazy to be in this kind of a relationship. But I really can't make up my mind and leave him. Maybe because I'm really young and don't have that much relationship experience. Most of all I'm too insecure and I get so scared just to imagine being alone without him, since he seems like he wants me so much he even cheats. He says he loves her and is in love with her, but so with me. He says he will and wants to work hard to be with them and have a life with them, and at the same time be with me. I think I know all the answers, but I want to hear from others perspectives. I feel like an idiot and noone will love me like he did and i cant love anyone as much as i love him... I don't even know how to end this.. Sorry guys. I really need some help..
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cheated on me, fell in love, insecure, jealous, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2013): you and him are both really insecure and weak that's why you don't have the strength to leave this guy who is very bad for you, and he doesn't have the strength to choose one woman and stick to it. As a result he is making you miserable. But the difference is that while both of you dont' have strength, he wins out and you lose cos he has his second option (her) to fall back on. That puts him in a superior position to you. Don't accept this, walk away. You will get over him eventually, it will be hard for some time but eventually you will. by staying with him you're choosing short-term comfort by avoiding the pain of a breakup, but the consequence is long-term despair because he's not going to give her up and he's happy with this. also consider that if you stay with him, he has no reason to even consider leaving her because you're "accepting" the situation. No matter how horrible you feel, you are still "accepting" it. If you leave him, he will either go back to her and maybe they will get married and stay together forever or divorce in the future, or maybe he will get shaken up enough to decide to man up and do whatever it takes to get you back. I'm not saying he will choose this, but at least by leaving him there's a chance he might. By staying with him, there is zero chance because he's got no incentive to do anything for you since you're "accepting" this situation with her. This is the problem of getting involved with someone who doesn't have morals. Normal people who have morals would either dump you long ago (so you would be over him by now) or they would dump the other person even if they have a baby with them, because it's morally wrong to be with 2 people at the same time. But since he's got no ethics, he sees absolutely nothing wrong with having two ongoing relationships and therefore he WILL continue to do this if it's left up to him. So why leave it up to him? the only power you have in this situation is to leave him. Don't think that by leaving him you are letting her "win", dont' be jealous of her if you're the one dumping him. Right now it seems that they got their happily-ever-after, but sooner or later he will probably cheat on her too since he's proven he's this sort of person. She is in for an even bigger heart-ache than you are going through.
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (18 June 2013):
Cheated on you and got another girl pregnant - sounds like a real keeper....
My fiancee is South American. Her unwavering opinion when it comes to South American men - when then open their mouths to speak, stop listening. Not to a single word. Everything about them you can tell from what they DO. IMO, this is true for everyone, but in her opinion it is especially true for them.
Using this as your measuring stick, I think your choice on what to do yourself couldnt be more obvious....
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 June 2013):
 WHY would you even CONSIDER anything EXCEPT walking away from this cad?????.... and NEVER... EVER .... looking back???? Anything else will "prove" to you that you STILL haven't grown up to the point that you won't just be a little, soft, warm penis holder to whichever guy you happen to fancy, at the time....
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): You need help, but I don't think you'll take any advice that doesn't say what you want to hear.
You know how foolish you are, but you are addicted to the sex and like the way he talks to you. You won't end anything until he completely screws you over; or destroys you.
My advice? Use your common sense and stop thinking with your vagina.
This man has no respect for you; and has reduced your self-esteem so low; you have no respect for yourself.
Read your post. Then look at what he has reduced you to.
He's a piece of dog poop. You know it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 June 2013):
 I'm sorry you are in the middle of all this mess, but you DO have a few choices.
One you stay with him as his "thing" on the side (yes on the side if he marries her) and then if you agree to that, you are going to have to suck it all up and be happy with the scraps he "gives" you.
The other option is get your stuff, and then tell hi to GTFO of your life. LET him marry his "one-nightstand" and whether she makes him happy or not, THAT is HIS problem. CUT the contact and move on. The guy is NOT the man you WANT him to be or "think" he can be or even the guy you "thought" he was.
He knows JUST what to say to you to manipulate your insecurities into staying with him is this messed up triangle. You really don't think YOU can do better then this? And do you know if the other girl knows about you? Are you sure they were "just" friends before he started sleeping with you? How can you trust a single thing out of his mouth?
Either way, the choice is yours and it is your life, YOU direct it. YOU make the choices.
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A
female
reader, queenadelaide  +, writes (16 June 2013):
OP, the only thing keeping you in this relationship is your low self esteem. The last two lines sum everything up.'I feel like an idiot and noone will love me like he did'You don't think it is possible for someone to want you and only you. You doubt that someone could reciprocate your respect, loyalty and complete commitment. You are not sure that you can do better, or that you can survive on your own. That is why you are holding on to what you know is an unhappy relationship.Well I have good news for you. You may have been young and naive enough to go out with this loser. But that's ok, it happens to the best of us. Now you need to be brave and find the strength to believe in yourself and learn to be independent and happy without a man. Go out and do all those hobbies and activities you've always had an interest in. Develop your career. Strengthen your family and friendship bonds. All this will do wonders for your self esteem.When you are happy within yourself, with lots of interesting things going on, you will expect a man who makes your life better, not worse. You will not put up with this kind of crap anymore. Seriously, dump this guy and work on learning to make yourself happy and independent. That will help you to meet better men in the future.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (16 June 2013):
 Sure enough this is what happens when you don’t listen to your instincts; when he first cheated you should have left him and none of this would have existed! That is one reason why we advise people to leave their cheating partners in the first place! Now all you have are the very consequences you could have spared yourself from; anxiety, lack of trust, vulnerability, manipulation and insecurity. If you find comfort in being loved this way then by all means stay in this three ring intercontinental love triangle. However since you are unhappy with or without him; ask yourself how much happier are you going to be by staying? Do you wish further emotional consequences to befall you? Were you not happier when life was less crazy before meeting him? How did you survive before he took the air out of your lungs? I can assure you that you will survive without someone like him or a situation like this in the future!Let this be a personal youth experience; a lesson in how not to have a relationship and how not to depend on someone else for your happiness especially like this. Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (16 June 2013):
 They were not one night stands. They were doing long distance and he had probably promised her marriage here in Canada. He used the limited time frame to lure you in as a live in sexual partner. It had started casual but then he used "love" to stop you from leaving. I think you were refusing to let go because it means admitting that you had been used, as a side. It is not you who had lost, it's that Russian woman having a baby with a cheater and never having a sense of security while you are still free to pursue true love. Her life and freedom is compromised by having a baby within a shaky relationship.
Because you are young it's exactly the reason why you have to date more, so you can set your standard higher and not settle for losers. Your life before meeting him was fine and peaceful, and there is nothing terrible about being single again. Be very glad that you are not the one pregnant here. You end it by finishing your pack up, finding your own place or move back with parents. You know you have to break up one day. Postponing it does not make it any better.
He sure wants everything. He aspires to live the life that only a rich celeb could pull through. You deserve better than being a side, even though the sex was great.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (16 June 2013):
 This is a no-brainer - the guy needs to go. I know you love him but he'll never give you what you want and need because he doesn't love you, I can promise you that.
He treats you like crap and you take him back, knowing he is in a relationship with another woman, with whom he also has a baby. That doesn't make you so great either.
Dump him. There's not much else to say really. Don't even bother telling him because every bit of contact you have with him will give him the chance to convince you to stay. You don't owe him an explanation or a goodbye. Block him on Facebook, Twitter, Skype, email, whatever you use to keep in touch. Delete his phone number, preferably change yours so that he can't contact you. Forget your stuff, your dignity is more important. Don't ever contact him again, ever. It'll be hard but you'll thank yourself further down the line.
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