A
female
age
30-35,
*eil-san
writes:My boyfriend said this classical line "We need a break".I was shocked and all, but to tell the truth I was expecting it. Why? Well... you see... He's like 24 years older than me (he's 42, I'm 18), he's divorced, has 3 kids (two girls, 22 and 12, and a boy who's 16). But that's not the problem. I'll tell you the basis.I met him at school (he was my philosophy's teacher) and I've known him for almost 4 years. It was love at first sight, though he's not handsome, but still... I was loyal to him though we weren't in a relationship. When I graduated I confessed my feelings. Naturally, he said no, but two months after that, he contacted to me and said that we could try.I was overjoyed, and he was quite happy, too. He cared for me, not as his child, but as his lover, and he told me personal things that he could in no way tell to others, and I did the same.Then, three months later, I could hardly see him because of his work, and obviously, he has to take care of his family. I felt lonely. But I never said it because I didn't wanted him to worry.Last week, we had a discussion. I admit I acted in a very childish way, I got pissed off for nothing. The day after that, he had to go to another city because of work. He sent me a sms, saying he was about to leave, and sent another one when he arrived there. But I never replied because I was still angry at him.When I realised my behaviour was too stupid, I apologized but I got no reply until today. He called me, and said that we need some time, that he came with this not so much for him, but for me. He said that I need some time to think about my feelings for him, that we both need to sort out some issues, that if I need to leave the city to continue my studies (my entire class had a problem with the university's administrators, so we all got kicked out) I could leave. He said he didin't wanted me to remain here because he was here. Also, he said I was still a child, and that I needed to see different people and live new experiences in order to be mature. I agreed with him, I'm aware I'm no mature, specially for a man like him.Finally, he said "If you have to go, you know I'll be here. I don't know if you're coming back to me, because you're the one who's gonna meet new people, but you can be sure that I'll be waiting".So... I don't know what he meant, if he really wants me far from him because he was tired and displeased with the relationship or if he's doing this to help me value him more, to help me with my coming up of age and, why not?, to help me know new places and people.I could ask him anytime, but I consider that, when somebody asks for a time, you don't have to communicate, or at least to ask about the relationship.Also, I couldn't tell anyone that we were (are?) in a relationship, so nobody knows about us being together. So... I'm in anger, because I feel like I lost him for my own stupidity; but I'm paceful, because he gave me new experiences, he showed me how wonderful he is, and I felt loved by him.
View related questions:
a break, divorce, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Neil-san +, writes (14 December 2012):
Neil-san is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all to those who replied. I always knew that we would eventually break up, or at least leave on hiatus while I'm studying. We both knew it. And yes, we were secret lovers.
Also, I know that if we stayed together, he would eventually become ill. And the stress from school is just too much. He works at a high school (bachillerato in spanish, consists of 3 years and you normally attend when you're 15, so when you're out of the bachillerato you're 18 years old), and then, on saturdays, he works at a college. To add, he's the coach's assistant in a baseball team that is, yeah, formed by youths. I can see why he's fed up with kids.
I'm actually feeling better, and I know it's gonna be hard to leave all this behind, because, to add insult to the injury, he is my first boyfriend. So he's gonna be there in my heart for a long, long time. And yes, I must admit that we had sex. He said once (because he feels embarrassed to say things like that) he was very happy not because of sex, but because I was with him, because he was feeling very lonely, stuck in such a dull life since he divorced (ten or 9 years ago), and then all he did was work all day. "She took away good moments, she took away my kids. She took all my former life. But you're here, you are part of my life now. So don't leave me". I remeber clearly those words. They make me feel sad, actually.
I'll try to move on and to date guys of my age. Just date, falling in love is, for now, not on my plans. And I have to focus on my studies, of course!
This was a lovely experience while it lasted, and I'm glad to have him as my first boyfriend. I have no regrets about that. You see, he's such a kind man, and he is like that because of all that happened in his life. I hope I can learn from him.
Maybe one day we will meet again. For now, he's got all my love.
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (14 December 2012):
 Talking from a male perspective, just move on, poster. It's by far the best thing you can do. This relationship was highly inappropriate and one sided. Move on, and don't get involved with men this older than you again. Just my thoughts.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 December 2012):
 I can't improve on what the other posters have said but I did want to pick up on something you said:
"Also, I couldn't tell anyone that we were (are?) in a relationship, so nobody knows about us being together."
so you were a secret relationship?
that does not bode well.
He's telling you to go because he knows it will never work... just to much of an age gap...
I can tell you that after age 50 we really slow down... so the gap of 40-50 is not so noticeable but 34 to 52 will physically be noticeable to you.... don't get me wrong I'm 52 and my husband is 39 so I support age gap relationships but both partners have to be 100% on board for it and he is not.
best to relegate this to a nice memory and move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 December 2012):
 I think he realized just how young you are and how much growing up you still have to do. Since he already have "grown" kids he might not feel like he want to date one too (no offense) just trying to explain that he LOVED the idea of the two of you, but in reality he feels he might just be to old to do that again.
I think he loves you as a person, but not as a partner.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (13 December 2012):
 k_c has summed it all up brilliantly.
Learn from this relationship and move on, that's all. There is no future with this man because you are younger than his eldest child. That is a lot to deal with! Maybe being with such a young person was an incredible ego boost for him but he has now (hopefully) realized that you are not meant to be together. You should be experiencing life to the fullest at your age, studying hard, meeting new people, dating boys your age...and not romancing someone who is old enough to be your father. Its a good thing that he has realized that its not to be and has attempted to put an end to this and you should accept it too and move on.
Remember, his children will never accept you and neither will you ever fit in with them. Imagine if he marries you, you will be the step mom and younger than your children!
Also, get serious about your studies and try not to mess around with your university's administrators. How is it even possible that an entire class gets kicked out of college? What about everyone's education?
Anyway, coming back to your problem, the only advice for you is to move on. Remember the good times with a smile but don't expect anything else because you two are from different generations altogether. 24 years is a long, long age gap and its not a realistic one.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (13 December 2012):
 I think there are 2 things going on here:
1. He is worried by the huge age gap in terms of the future - he knows that as an 18 year old you need freedom to go out and enjoy life, to meet new people and experience new things. He knows that 18 year olds cannot be in fully comitted relationships because they are so young they simply cannot committ to the future like a 40+ year old does. Hence why he wants you to be alone and free to go and meet new people, you need to experience more than 1 relationship in your life and if we are being realistic, you are not going to end up with this man long term because he cant give you what you want for the future.
2. You acted incredibly immature with him by ignoring him and that was probably the final straw - he is too old to be playing silly games with an 18 year old. His kids are older than you, he has been a father to teenagers and he doesnt want to have to be around another teenager with her tantrums and drama.
I think you need to be realistic about this relationship, lets look at the facts:
1. His children will NEVER accept you or the relationship, because you are younger than most of his children. They will think their father is a bit sick if I'm honest to date someone so young, I mean can you imagine if your father was dating a girl who was younger than you? Imagine how you would feel? So if you stay together he will lose his family, he will isolate the people he loves the most because of you. Do you really want that for him? It will put so much strain on your relationship if you stay together, he will be very hurt to lose his family and it will mean your relationship suffers.
2. Do you want to get married, have children? Because chances are he doesnt want to go through that again - he has been there done that and bough the t-shirt, he doesnt need to be a dad all over again, with screaming babies and dirty nappies. Lets say you want kids in 10 years time, when you are 28. He will be 52. He is not going to have much energy and time for the kids, at that age he should be slowing down not getting busy again with babies! Do you really want your children's father to be 62 by the time they are 10? What about playing games with them, running around outside with them, taking them to the park....he wont physically be able to do much of that, and the children will suffer. The kids at school will tease them because he will look like their grand father not their dad.
3. Do you want to be caring for an elderly man when you are still young? Because as you get older, your health declines so he WILL get ill and all the usual that comes with getting old. So you will be 40 looking after a 64 year old man, a pensioner basically. You wont be able to go out anymore and have fun, no dinner parties with friends, no social life basically....it will be nights in front of the TV and bed by 9pm. Is that how you see your life in 20 years time? 40 is still young, even 50 is not that old but when you are 50 he will be 74 and you could well end up alone, a widower, in your 50's. Do you want to be alone that young?
You have to think logically now and this break up is probably for the best. This has no long term future, he cant give you what you want from life and you are too immature for him.
Be happy that you have experienced this relationship, learn from it and move on.
...............................
|
