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He said marriage was not about money.

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 August 2014) 6 Answers - (Newest, 31 August 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, *pendy writes:

Why does he talk like this? Is marriage about money or not?

So I had an arguement last night with bf.

I asked him if he's ready for marriage and he said yes.

But said no, cause he's been out of job for 8 months now and he's reluctant about finding a new one. Cause (silly me) I've been supporting him financially. ( he did save a penny when he was working)

He got angry and said marriage is not about money (wtf?) and that I shouldn't speak to him like that cause he's jobless. No one knows tomorrow and that some women pick their guys from garters and make them rich.

Really? Should I just dump this guy?

I'd like to get married in 2years time. I have my priorities and time limits.

I told him I start a new job soon and he said the company I'm joining pays better and that if I'm rich he's rich too and vice versa but it said he needs to get his act together and find a job cause he's suppose to bring me more money cause he's the man.

He didn't like it when I said that.

He keeps saying he's ready for marriage but I know he has no money for a ring let alone a home.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2014):

"he's reluctant about finding a new one." So stop supporting him then.

"He didn't like it when I said that." That's because what you said is bullshit and very sexist. That's like him telling you that you should stay in the kitchen because you're a woman. Just because he has a penis doesn't mean he has to earn more money than women, in fact women are fighting hard to create a society where they can achieve equal pay to men so I don't know where you get this strange idea that men should earn more.

My wife earns more money than me in her job and always has. She has a very well paying job and earns about three times as much as me. If it wasn't for my investments coming through so well she'd be the wealthier one in our relationship.

OP with all due respect you should go find yourself the rich man you want. You and this guy are not compatible.

You are right about money being important, but it's only really important because he has none and has no desire to make any. He too should find a rich woman to keep him.

Weirdly enough you both want the same kind of person, you both want a person who earns a lot of money to keep you.

That'll never change, OP.

You want a guy that can buy you a ring and house, this is not that guy. He wants a woman who is okay with him doing nothing with his life and earning no money and that's not you.

It's time to move on.

I have to say though, OP, you should really reconsider your antiquated notion that the guy needs to earn more. You may find a guy who is everything you want and works a job he's passionate about and loves, but he won't be good enough for you because you earn more money. Which is kind of weird, OP, because it means the more successful you are in your career the less men who will be good enough for you.

Marriage isn't all about money but you do need money to be married, he has no intention of earning any, he has no ambition and so it won't work. You and he just aren't compatible, OP, you both feel the other needs to be the one earning more and that's not something you will ever be able to overcome to make a relationship work.

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (31 August 2014):

olderthandirt agony auntWell, as a practicing curmudgen, I'd have to reply, "Are you kidding, everything is about money!"

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A female reader, oldbag United Kingdom +, writes (31 August 2014):

oldbag agony auntIts ok to help the people you love over a rough patch, its what you do.

I know the UK is dodgy job-wise but 8 months without any work is a looooong time.

Does he have qualifications? Does he have experience in one line of work? Is he looking for jobs out of reach or willing to take anything?

If he is making no effort to search for work or improve his prospects - then he is merely expecting you to keep him in the style he is accustomed to.

Why would you even contemplate marriage to him if you want a husband who works and contributes?

Set a time-line - 4 more months say, then if there is no change - move on.

Let him know your losing patience and want him to be at least working, if not matching your salary. If you want a man who earns more - then is this one the right one?

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (31 August 2014):

CindyCares agony aunt Sorry, for some reason I thought you were from Australia, while instead you are from UK .

Any particular reason why in 8 months he was never inspired to look for a new job ? ..( other than, he does not strictly NEED ot until he can live off you ? )... Like, is he depressed, ....?

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (31 August 2014):

CindyCares agony auntYou were not speaking to him like that because he is jobless- you were doing it because he is jobless and does not want to look for a job ! I think it's quite different.

It seems your bf has got his life plan figured out, neat and tidy : you work- and he spends your money.

Should you just dump him ?...

Do you see that cloud of dust.... over there .... far ,far down the road ?.. That should be you.

Marriage isn't about money ? A bit easy for him to say. Why then does he not go to work and gives to you all his paycheck, to spend on yourself : hey, marriage is not about money, right ?

Of course it takes a pinch of salt, always. There's nothing wrong or nothing strange in supporting financially a husband that is atm unemployed , due to having lost his job or being transitioning between careers or having health problems etc. It is hopefully temporary and he is doing his best to change the situation asap.

Or else, there is a precise agreement that the wife will be the sole breadwinner and he'll be Mr.Mom, a stay at home dad which will take full time dutiful care of kids , chores and running the house in general. For some couples this works just fine ,so why not.

But for some reason I don't think this is what he has in mind. It sounds more as if your bf has a boytoy vocation. You work and he plays , and the joy of having him around compensates his not making any financial contribution to the couple.

Then... first, he'd be better suited to a RICH woman . I mean really rich, not just somewhat stable. I don't know about Australia, but, seeing that both in Europe and in USA nowadays in most cases it takes a double income to secure your family a reasonable standard of living... I imagine that it could not be that different over there.

Second, now he is young and let's say he fulfills his decorative, ornamental function. But , time takes a toll on everybody, and let's say that in time he turns into ..a Homer Simpson lookalike,.. do you want to pay for that ?

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (31 August 2014):

Aunty BimBim agony auntI commend people who are caring enough to support their families through the rough periods, to help them get over the road bumps that life throws at us from time to time, including temporary unemployment.

On the other hand I don't agree men have to earn more money than women, but if you have been financially supporting your boyfriend for the past eight months, when you have absolutely no obligation to do so, I can understand you getting snipey and making that comment.

You are not your boyfriend's mother, or wife, or government. You are under no obligation to support him financially .... I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that while you are at work he is busy keeping his side of the bargain and keeping your living spaces clean and tidy, the laundry done and your clothes ironed, the pantry cupboard filled and making sure he has a hot meal ready when you come home every night. To be honest, even doing all the above he would still have time to look for work, especially if he sees marriage and a family looming on the horizon.

However, I suspect he doesn't do much of the above, and that he is in fact a freeloader, which would be fine if you were happy with that!

But you are not happy with how things are, so its time to get tough, tell him to either get a job

https://www.gov.uk/employment-support-allowance/eligibility

or go home to his real mummy.

Your boyfriend might not be happy with you letting him know you actually have some expectations of him, and his free loading days are over, so make sure you let somebody else, family or close friend, know of your intentions so that you can call on them if your boyfriend gets nasty.

Congratulations on your new job and the extra rewards it will bring. I wish you well for your future.

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