A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are in a relationship that is distance for about two thirds of the year. We've been together for about a year and a half and the distance is ending in a couple of weeks. We talk on the phone most nights and Skype each other once a week. I've noticed that when we talk, he is often messaging people on facebook at the same time as talking to me. I never do that to him, I always give him my full attention. I think he thinks that I won't be able to tell he's distracted.Anyway, last night was particularly bad, he kept being silent for minutes on end and I knew he was talking to people on facebook. I just think it's rude to not pay me full attention when we don't see each other that often at the moment (once every couple of months or so). This morning I did something I shouldn't have, I logged into his facebook account to see who he'd been talking to while on the phone to me.It was another girl, one from his city. He'd been having a really in-depth conversation with her the whole time he'd been on the phone to me and then for another hour after we hung up. Our phone conversation ended because he said he was tired and wanted to go to sleep, but then he stayed up and talked to this girl on facebook for another hour! Do I have a right to be upset about this?It worries me because that's what we used to do when we were first getting to know each other. We'd stay up late messaging each other on facebook. I talked to him this morning and said that I can tell when he's talking to other people and not paying attention to me. He got upset and said that I stress him out and always bring him down. I've had a hard year, and he knows that. I've started on medication for anxiety disorder and depression and I think I'm slowly getting better but I was really hurt that he attacked me for being this way. I don't know what advice I'm really asking for. I just feel a bit hurt and don't know what to do. I told him that if I bore him or something, he can just say he doesn't feel like talking. I'd rather that than have him talking to other girls at the same time as me. What can I do? What are peoples opinions?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 October 2013):
 Your radar properly picked up on a very bad thing. Yes you are right to be concerned.
Sadly you have snooped on his facebook and you can't really use that as your leverage to prove you know what's going on because snooping is wrong.
However what I would do, since you are willing to NOT talk to him (and he's coming home soon) is tell him that you need a break for now.
Since he is already lying to you (by omission) it's probably a good bet that he wants out of the relationship if not forever at least while you are LDR.
I would give him that without making him ask.
If it was me I would say "honey you seem a bit distracted when we are talking and I'm sure you have made many new friends where you are, I think since I don't like to share you in any way it's better that we not have any contact till you get home to me. When you get home we can talk about what we want to do with our relationship as the one we currently have is clearly not meeting my needs or yours"
THEN go NO contact with him. Do not call him, text him or message him. IF he contacts you, keep it businesslike and short. DO NOT tell him how you feel about him or you miss him or you want to work it out... NONE OF THAT.
It's a couple of weeks... just wait it out. Then let me know what he does and I can advise from there.
A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (20 October 2013):
 I would be very concerned. Messages are how cheating starts, we all know that we don't message someone from the opposite sex for hours late into the night unless they are an old friend (unlikely) or we fancy them. If he's going out with you he shouldn't have feelings for other women!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 October 2013):
 It's incredibly rude to message other people while speaking to you. That's one of my biggest pet peeves. He should absolutely make you his main focus while talking to you. But he's clearly found someone worth being distracted by that he can't and doesn't want to put on hold. In fact, he wants to talk to her so bad, he's even putting YOU on hold for HER. That's concerning. If I'm talking to my girl, there's nothing or no one that could distract me that much to the point of making them a priority over her. That's how it should be. You should be a priority to him. And that time talking should be your time with him, no distractions, like what you give to him.
If I were you, I would be concerned by this. And even more so by his response. It has guilty written all over it. You stress him out and bring him down? By what? Expecting to be treated respectfully? Please. Give me a break. It's common courtesy.
Tell me this. Is there a guy in your life worthy of ignoring your bf for? And one you would stay up talking to for hours after telling him you were in bed? The answer is probably no. You do the math as to why that is.
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