A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently posted on here as i'd accidently discovered my fiance had been looking at porn on the computer..only one site had come up so i tried not to let it bother me as you all said and put it down to a one off. But earlier curiosity got the better of me as last night aftwe we made love he got up and went straight to the computer(i was in bed)...so today as i said curioisty got the better of me and i looked up the last website looked at...it was the porn site. I was horrified he felt the need to look at porn right after we'd made love...do i not pleasure him enough? We have two children so our sex life isn't quite as active as it once was but its certainly very healthy(or so i thought) and regular. He's always said our sex is "amazing" etc...so why is he needing porn? I'm really upset about this. i only had our 2nd son 3 months ago so my body still isn't as slim as it once was...could this be the prob? he says he still finds me attractive but if so why the porn? I love him so much and it devastates me that i'm not enough. please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2010): Right, so perhaps he actually played warcraft for a couple of hours and then looked at some porn. So what? I mean really, so what? What is the problem here? Maybe he wants more sex, stress relief, whatever. Why on earth would it bother you if he manages that harmlessly by looking at some internet porn? It's not sleeping with someone else or looking elsewhere. I know my fiance looks at porn; sometimes I don't feel like sex, or due to work we don't see each other much, or whatever. I just don't understand the problem. If he wanted more sex a couple of hours after making love but I was asleep, or didn't feel like it, then, why on earth shouldn't he look at porn. If you had just had sex, and then he went straight to look at porn, well, that's worse for sure. But for men it is way more of a physiological thing than for a woman, and so I think even that is understandable to a degree.
I just sort of feel, don't you have anything worse than this to worry about? If this is really a big problem then I think perhaps you have too much time on your hands, or maybe you should seek some counselling about it?
And, you are snooping about, aren't you? What else would you call looking up his internet browser history?
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 why would you ever try to think it's your fault? makes it sound as if you're "holding back' or something. The thing about porn is it inflates the acts of sex to the point where NO one can fulfill the expectations of
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 Very well put, celialetta.
I totally agree; men are natural compartmentalizers. If he was on the comp for as long as 2 hours, it's quite likely he did actually go to play the game and before coming back to bed, was feeling a little randy and looked at the porn. He may or may not have actually jerked off after this.
Did he ejaculate while with you? I've been with several men who could not sleep immediately after ejaculation and needed to do something completely non-sexual for at least half-an-hour after(playing a game/watching TV, even trading in stocks in one case). Once they have played the game/watched the show/lost some money in the stock market, they return to a stage of mild arousal. Now if I was awake, I'd be more than ready to give another BJ, but if you were asleep, surely you can't blame him for looking at a bit of porn, hey?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 June 2010):
 Hey cee.. didn't read your answer, but I read it the same way you did.. :)
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 June 2010):
Masturbation isn't just used for sex, it's also a form of stress relief and some people use it to sleep..
He probably got into the habit of masturbation to sleep.. no it's not the porn women, they is a tool.. He uses masturbation to sleep just like babies use teddy bears..
Sex with you, well it isn't sex, it's love, and its something totally different.. the heart is involved, it means something.. probably got him fired up, and whilst you turned over and slept he needed his old habit to calm down and sleep..
I know it's hard, but it's probably more of a habit than anything else.. maybe try getting him into another habit, like blowjobs will make him sleepy..
yep, tried this and it works, but the trick is not to arrouse but to nuzzle like a child at the breast..
This is not about sex, and it's not about your beauty or his love for you.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (8 June 2010):
 You don't want to blow this up bigger than it has to be. I'd just try to monitor his behavior quietly. I don't recommend snooping. Just take notice to what he does after you guys have sex. This could all be a misunderstanding. Plus, if he is watching porn but not masturbating, that changes things also.
As I said before, don't look at any of this as a reflection of you. Don't jump to conclusions. Just monitor things and if needed eventually talk to him about it.
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (8 June 2010):
 Geez, I can't express how exasperating it is to see this porn thing come up over and over, again. Porn, Facebook idiocy, texting, the whole nine yards just needs to go away, I think.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 June 2010):
 This whole thing is too odd and misses some information. You need to talk to your man about this and get things clarified!
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (8 June 2010):
I'd agree: the last thing he should even be thinking of is running off to spank the old monkey..that's just weird. So, was this later that same day or what, now?
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (8 June 2010):
*Hours*,later that same day, I get that, but *right* afterwards, WTF?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell he went on the computer pretty much right after...said he was going to play war craft..so maybe he played that then porn later....he was only on the computer 2 hours at the most..but still...did i not satisfy him enough or something...=/ and should in confront him? then he's going to think i'm some sort of snoop checking up on him whcih i'm not atall..:(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): *so today as i said curioisty got the better of me and i looked up the last website looked at...it was the porn *
OP
If it was the last website he looked at he could of been on the computer for hours, and then porn was the last thing he looked at.
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (8 June 2010):
AFTERWARDS? damn, I'm at loss on this one
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): At his age, it is normal. you need to know that Male sexuality is different from Physical. It is purely at psychical level. It should not mean any thing to you. ideally. I watch it after sex some time. It is just fine.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (8 June 2010):
You feel not enough but it doesn't mean you aren't. You should have a calm talk with your partner about how you feel. It might be that you are making what happened worse than what it is. Maybe by talking to him he will be able to reassure you and you'll resolve the issue?
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 June 2010):
Yes, this was rude. I also find porn harmless, but there's a certain line within what is normal and acceptable. Eating chocolates is also fine, but if you get overweight because of it and die from a heart failure, it is not fine any more! Same with all things. Porn is ok. To a certain amount. Watching porn right after you had sex with your wife is just rude.
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (8 June 2010):
As a guy, I agree with what Vintage64 says. HOWEVER...
....I must admit watching porn right after having sex with your partner is a little rude. I defend guys watching porn just like Vintage64 said, it is more of a tool, but there comes a time when too much is too much. And I don't mean quantity, I just mean timing. You shouldn't be looking forward to porn more than having sex with your partner, especially when you have kids. If porn is a tool for him, it should be to climax.... therefore he shouldn't need it if he's just had sex with your partner. If he's not enjoying sex with you than he's got an issue himself. That doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong, it just mean the problem is with him.... and it's HIM that needs fixing.
Whatever happens, don't blame yourself.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (8 June 2010):
 I would sooner ask what is wrong with him.
If you weren't attractive I could understand him needing to look at porn before the act, but why after? I would almost say that he does it just out of a sort of habit. Maybe visit a site to see what's new rather then any real sexual need.
You only use porn to get in the mood for sex BEFORE the sex, not after. I don't think there is an issue here, unless you think he was masturbating right after. In that case, is there a reason why he might not go round two with you? Soreness?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): He is telling you that he finds you attractive, and that sex is amazing, listen to him and believe what he tells you. The porn thing isn't a reflection on you, it's just porn to him. Men put things in separate boxes. You can't say to a man he can't watch porn, he will just lie to you about it, and that isn't going to help. Porn is just a tool to them, it doesn't mean that he loves you any less.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): I spend most of my time around guys, and this actually isn't TOO unusually.. Well, depending on circumstance and personality.Did he finish while you were having sex? Were condoms involved? Etc etc?Some men focus solely on pleasing the woman (which does NOT mean they aren't enjoying it themselves. They like it just as much, but when trying to last for a woman they try NOT to get off so as to last longer.)If you were satisfied and he never got to actually finish, maybe he felt like he would be selfish if he now focused on himself. He didn't want to bother you, so he took matters into his own hands. This is just speculation, but I've heard of a couple of guys who do the same thing. When me and my fiance first started having sex he would immediately go to the bathroom and take care of himself because he didn't want to bother me. (No porn involved here- he thinks it's gross.)So, that's just one idea.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 June 2010):
 It's almost never that the woman isn't enough, and it's definitely not that you're not attractive enough. Have you tried talking to him about it? Most guys just don't see anything wrong with looking at other naked women. He probably doesn't even know it bothers you. If he lies about it or refuses to discuss it with you, you may have an addict on your hands.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (8 June 2010):
Did he go up to only watch the porn or to masturbate? And you said "went straight to the computer", well how soon was this really? A minute or an hour after love making?
Have you told him you find this rude? What is his reply?
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