A
female
age
36-40,
*race84
writes:I had seen this guy in a walking group over the past 5 months. We were friends a few years ago but lost touch. Over the months he has dropped hints that he likes me, has cuddled and held me for long periods of time and kissed my cheek in a loving way - it has all been quite romantic. I told him recently that I like him and he started acting awkward and said he likes me but does not want to take it further and he said he does not feel enough for me. He then said he probably did lead me on. I was stunned, I didn't stick around to talk as I felt he had taken the p*** out of me.He is in his 40s and not had a girlfriend in years but does get shy and socially awkward around women. He did say not long ago to me and some friends when he was asked about dating was that he has had enough of women who answer back, he hasn't married as he has not found the right woman. He also said if he has a relationship he has to give up the hiking groups. I thought that is ridiculous as the right person would not make you give up your hobbies which I even told him this.There have been occasions where he has said he doesn't do communal bedrooms with the hikers and likes his own space. He also at times has had outbursts, sulked and impatient in situations - not ideal.I have realised I have wasted my time. I feel shocked and heartbroken now as I had pinned my hopes on him to be let down. How can I rebuild my life and move on? Am I best to cut contact with him? I know he gets annoyed when I talk to other guys but how can he when he rejected me. I still want to see my friends at the hiking group but don't know if I can go with him being there as I will have feelings.Please can people please point out his red flags so I don't fall for this crap again. Thanks.
View related questions:
heartbroken, move on, period, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2017): Please get-over this guy! You wouldn't know he was staring unless you stood in one place and looked his direction to see what he was doing. He was so aware that you were focusing on him; maybe he did mention it to his friend.
I'm sorry you couldn't have fun at the party. I did suggest you should stay home if you were going to make the party about you and him.
Honeypie says ignore him...let me be her echo! There was an elephant in the room; and he didn't want to be the one who would have to leave.
Do yourself a favor. It will serve you well in the future. Learn how to blend into or get lost in a crowd. When there is an undesirable guest or someone you need to avoid, learn the art of "dodging!"
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 November 2017):
 Ignore him.
I think the whole getting a friend to talk to you was a kind of intimidation move. Maybe he was hoping you would feel uncomfortable and leave. He knows you were feeling stressed that is why he roped the friends into his scheme. Maybe by telling them you are "stalking" him or won't leave him be. Who knows?
Keep going on your hikes and do your thing with friends but IGNORE him.
Honestly? I would have told the friend that you aren't the slightest bit interested in him and if he has any issues with you HE can leave. You don't give a single F.
Now you know that you dodged a bullet. So dust yourself off and don't LET him intimidate you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Grace84 +, writes (13 November 2017):
Grace84 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI went to the party. He kept staring at me throughout the evening. At one point he and his friends were talking and looking at me. His friends came over and said hello to me but he never came over. He looked again later and a mutual friend shouted out whilst looking at him saying "look at him, he doesn't want to date you but is still looking at you, move on from him." I don't get why his friends came over. If he doesn't want to date me then why look at me. The situation is stressing me out.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2017): Being adults, we have to know how to handle situations that make us uncomfortable. Nothing serious or lasting has developed between you and this guy. You're going to a party for a friend.
It's a small world and you can't hide from every jerk you had to side-step or step-over; because things didn't go as planned. You're bound to cross paths eventually. You go to the party and have a good time. Leave your issues and drama at home. It's a celebration.
If you don't think you can focus on the person the party is for, who happens to be the center of attention; then you should stay home.
If he steps your way, nod and be cordial; then quickly step-away and start conversation with another acquaintance.
How you just happen to know he'll be there; kind of makes me suspicious that it isn't just by coincidence that you'll be there too!
If you're going to make the party about you or him; you should pass, and not go.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 November 2017):
Just be polite but otherwise ignore him.
If he talks to you, you can engage in conversation or not. I'd say treat him as you would any other acquaintance you aren't really interested in spending time with. So no need for long conversations, just a quick answer if he asks a question then excuse yourself and go talk to others.
Again, OP... who cares what he may or may not think? Just go enjoy yourself and celebrate your friend's birthday. By worrying about what HE may (or may not) think you give him WAY more power than he deserves.
Go and enjoy life.
...............................
A
female
reader, Grace84 +, writes (6 November 2017):
Grace84 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am going to a birthday party at the weekend which this guy will be there. I know I have had a lucky escape but don't know how to behave around him. If I ignore him he knows it will have bothered me and if I acknowledge him he will think I still have the hots for him. He is the type to still stare at me even though he rejected me. I won't miss out on my friend's party just because of him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2017): Sounds like he was using you as an ego boost to see if he could gain your interest only so that he could feel better in himself. I don't think he ever had any intention of following through. He seems to have strong indications of narcissism - a negative personality type who make everything revolve around them and effectively force people to play by their rules, incapable of compromise. He also sounds like he has intimacy issues and - given the outbursts - either has narcissistic rage (when he doesn't get his way) and/ or could have mental health issues.
He led you on, that's for sure. BUT he didn't - thank goodness - 'get the goods'. It really does seem that you 'dodged a bullet'. As a general rule of thumb, look for reciprocation in all kinds of relationships - family, friendships, lovers. Lack of reciprocation is a red flag. Just because a guy kisses you on the cheek and talks tenderly and invitingly, doesn't mean he's actually giving anything at all - in fact, he's taking something from you: an emotional investment on your part. Unless someone does things like this but also, at the same time, increasingly suggests or offers to do things with / for you - go out together to the movies, or for a walk just the two of you - you can pretty much put on hold your emotions - some men love to play this game of seeing if they can attract you, just to make themselves feel better.
Reciprocation is key to equal relations - and it may be that someone doesn't, or cannot, give back to you exactly what you need BUT you will know that they are trying to offer you something and you can offer back, if you like, in equal measure. What this person did seems like an offer but it wasn't - time usually tells, but don't let it put you off. Honestly, you really are better off without him.
...............................
A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (2 November 2017):
 This sounds like a guy with intimacy issues. Guys like this may start by showing interest but once that interest is reciprocated they freak and run for the hills. They may even say things that purposely hurt your feeling to ensure a big gap is made between the two of you. The truth is, not every single guy who pulls away is a jerk, sometimes they have underlying issues too painful to talk about or even show or can be even confusing.Look at this from a man's perspective for a sec, if you wanted to know why a 40+ year old man was single for a number of years can you promise that you would be completely open and accepting of the next thing that comes out his mouth. There's no guarantee that you can be and that to him is scary. His explanation sounds like a cover up. Every single thing we do as humans is for the purpose of our brains trying to protect us. He stays away from relationships and intimacy because his brain says if he does, it will bring less pain than if he did get with someone. No one wants to be alone on this earth. Hurt people, hurt people. Now its a matter of how much you like this guy. If he's not that important to you then on to the next one but if you're willing to dig a bit deeper knowing that there WILL be defences, give it a shot, every human is worth it. It's our job to heal ourselves of our demons an wounds but sometimes we all could use need a helping hand to guide us in the right direction. All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): Correct me if I’m wrong and not that you can’t post as many times as you like :-
But haven’t you posted about this situation a while back .. and even then you felt or he told you he wanted nothing more than what ever it was .. wasn’t he, also in different hiking groups and had other ladies interested in him
Only reason I ask is to clarify whether this is the same on going situation.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): To clarify when I said I had not dated since I was a teenager; I meant anything serious, or that lead to a long-term full relationship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): When you observe flaky behavior in a full-grown man, that should be enough for you to walkaway. Consider yourself lucky to see his true-colors before you were truly invested and committed in a full-fledged relationship.
Women have to learn that some connections or romantic-encounters with men are short-lived and are mere flirtations; because they are just "testing the waters."
More reason to be vigilant to determine what exactly he's up to. Then through discernment and common-sense; you'll be more likely to observe what's happening, before your heart gets too attached.
I've learned in the dating-world that I had to fully know who I was getting attached to. Most people are generally polite and even affectionate; but I need something more substantial and readable, before I can start attaching my feelings.
I was lonely, and missed having companionship after my partner of 28 years died of cancer. I had not dated since I was a teenager! However; my maturity, intellect, and experience with human behavior has always given me an edge in dealing with romance. I have needs, but getting a little dose of affection doesn't give me reason to fall deeply just on a tiny taste of attention. Five months of pecks and hugs doesn't sound like a man all that interested. I think you took too little too seriously.
If you ask me, he sounds like a dud. Next time, keep your feelings in-check while you figure-out if you and the guy are both on the same page about romance. He didn't ask you out and properly court you to show how much he was interested. So now you know you need a lot more than a few pecks and random hugs before you take a guy too seriously.
Throw him on the reject pile. Be cool and remain courteous; but pay him no attention. Indifferent to any other member of your group. Stay out of his reach, at least an arm's-length away. If he flirts or reaches for you; raise your eyebrows and suggest he stay on distant, but polite-terms. No touching!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): How can you have feelings for someone like him?
You probably have feelings for a fantasy you have created. If you're lonely, this can add to the problem.
If you have feelings for someone who uses you and feeds on your affection and attention, then you have learned at some point to accept this emotional pattern. It is possible to unlearn it.
He's not the last man on the planet. Move on and make sure to get to the bottom of your own behavior. Why would you find this kind of a "relationship" acceptable in the first place?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 November 2017):
I remember you, OP and this guy...
Look OP, you took a chance and you got shot down. It didn't work out the way you had hoped. It happens. You read something into his actions because he WANTED you to think there was a possibility of "something" - he gave the "normal" clear signs that he was into you with all the physical affection and the little hints. So you didn't DO anything "wrong" in telling him how you felt. It just wasn't what HE wanted.
This is not a guy who is CAPABLE of relationship or even looking for relationships. He wants "The cuddles" and "sweetness" the "almost girlfriend experience" without the responsibility and commitment of BEING a BF. He has issues. OK?
But.... what can you learn from this? Don't ignore red flags. Because they were there in spades.
"He is in his 40s and not had a girlfriend in years."
"He also at times has had outbursts, sulked and impatient in situations"
"He then said he probably did lead me on. "
"I know he gets annoyed when I talk to other guys"
Now, why do I point these out as red flags? Well, a guy in his 40's is in his "prime" and it's rare that he doesn't seem to be looking for a mate/partner - UNLESS he really doesn't WANT one. Nothing WRONG with someone in their 40's wanting to be single... AT ALL. It's a choice. But if a guy in his 40's hasn't dated in years... he probably isn't LOOKING for a partner.
Saying that he has never married because he has "found the right woman" that is possible but it's also something he can use as a carrot. And he did. He was dangling the "you are so very special, you might just BE the right one" - he was usually shy and awkward with women except you... he was ALL over you. A shy and awkward guy wouldn't DO that. Now that also ties in with the KNOWINGLY leading you on. He KNEW he was leading you on, and he would have continued to do so until you pushed for more. So that HE could get the affection and attention he wanted. It was never about YOU. It was about him. HIS needs.
He had outbursts, sulked and impatient in situations. That is probably WHY he was single. Not because he hadn't found the right woman. You might have thought that WITH the right woman he would be fixed. That you could/would help him. But again, a guy in his 40's... with outbursts, sulking and impatience sound more like a 5-year-old. Someone NOT very mature. Someone NOT a good potential partner. You called it "not ideal" - NO definitely NOT ideal - yet you ignored it. Those are NOT traits you want in a partner.
This is not an "I told you so answer" or "let's make OP feel bad answer" OK? - but you would do yourself a HUGE favor in NOT looking twice at men who "require" fixing. As one of our resident aunts, SVC, used to say DO NOT date a guy for his potential. And she is right. Don't date a guy who needs FIXING UP. Because that is going into it with the mindset that you WANT him to change to suit you - which in turn means it's NOT him you want to change but a different version and honestly a different guy.
"How can I rebuild my life and move on?"
By accepting that you TOOK a chance and you got rejected. You then BRUSH yourself off and move on. It's not like he stood you up at the altar or dumped you with no warning. HE just didn't want a relationship with you (probably not with anyone). It doesn't mean YOU aren't "good" enough or whatever enough - it just means it didn't work out. It's NOT the end of the world. I think you actually dodged a bullet here. I think he would be a shit BF.
"I know he gets annoyed when I talk to other guys but how can he when he rejected me."
WHO cares!? You shouldn't care that he gets annoyed. HE had a chance to be with you and he ran the other way. He has NO right to your attention, affection or to try and control WHO you talk to. IGNORE him. BLOCK his number and KEEP going on hikes with your group. You CAN (if you want) be polite to him on the hikes but you really don't have to, you can ignore him there too. If need takes a break for a few hiking trips so you can get over the rejection. You can't MAKE him NOT go. But he might stop showing up if YOU keep showing up. So.... I'd keep showing up and talk to everyone else but him.
Sometimes we make a mistake. Picking him as a potential partner was a mistake. Go for a guy who is more straightforward in what he wants. WHO will ASK you out, WHO wants to spend time with you and who WANTS a future. Which means you will HAVE to be more upfront about what YOU want so you can sort the "bad apples" (like him) from the "good apples" and not waste your time on the "bad apples".
A guy being cuddly and tactile doesn't necessarily mean he WANTS a relationship. But here is what YOU can do to "prevent" thinking more is going on than there really is. HAVE a standard for yourself. If someone starts to be "handsy" with you. Kisses, hugs, and cuddles it IS OK for you to say: "you know that feels really nice but I reserve that kind of intimacy for a partner/BF". You can do it with a little sense of humor in there to soften it but it still shows ANY guy that you aren't playing games or to be played with.
It's hard to protect yourself from people who play games. (like this guy) The best way to prevent it is to be up front. If someone is "hinting" at something don't be afraid to ask:" WHAT did you actually mean by that?"
In short - YOU did nothing wrong. You just picked the wrong guy to pursue. FORGET about this guy. It's HIS loss. You CAN do better than that guy anyways.
Chin up and keep hiking.
...............................
A
female
reader, AllyJ  +, writes (1 November 2017):
I've actually had a situation with the 'cuddler'. It sounds weird if you haven't actually experienced it directly or never heard of it but the effects of learning that 'cuddling' is all there is too it - is pretty devastating - so I do actually hear where you are coming from on this. You think that the romantic snuggles are a sign that you are close and that it shows that sex isn't the primary driving force here and it will progress onto a sexual/close relationship - starting out so tenderly - otherwise, why would HE be doing it?Learning that cuddling and a peck on the cheek is all there is is a very strange feeling and you become frustrated and annoyed because you thought it would progress and it feels kinda weird. (We have to remember that all negative emotion is the contradiction of expectation). ON a side note, it's interesting that as women can be called cock-teasers by leading men on and then withdrawing their sexual attention, a great term I heard for a man doing the same (yes, it happens) is a 'bean-flicker' and it is motivated by revenge (on a previous woman) by trying to belittle the woman by making her feel undesirable. He then gets a reaction - anger - and enjoys it. Seeing her torment gives him a thrill. So was this what was going on for him?1. He didn't have sex with you and told you that he didn't feel enough for you to do so. We can now only question his words and their validity and/or meaning. His reasons for not being in relationships is that he hasn't found the right woman and I suppose, that now includes YOU. He doesn't like women who answer back? Hmmmm....what on earth do you think that means? Passive, docile, quiet, obedient women need only apply. Which way to the 1920s?? Women with opinions back off. Well...we are in the 21st century and we have the vote now so maybe that's why he can't find a woman. I would say that is a man tells you he doesn't like women who answer back, that is a red flag. 2. I would say you hit smack bang into a red flag - the cuddler. I don't know how long the cuddling phase lasted before you (not him) suggested taking it further but if you come across chronic cuddling again raise the issue faster!3. If he has a relationship he will have to give up the hiking groups, which is totally nuts. RED FLAG. Just flat out totally bonkers. God knows what bizarre and disturbed reasoning has taken his mind there. My most generous reasoning is that he had a relationship with a very controlling and aggressive woman who made him give up things he loved doing and bossed him around and it has scared him for life - hence a quiet woman. Whatever the reason, this is the person you are dealing with. 4. So he is unpredictable and has mood - swings - yup - that's a keeper.Look, when we hear things about people we are interested in we always want to give the benefit of the doubt - let's make our own minds up. I know what you mean when you feel you have invested your time and energy unwisely. The women who answer back comment would have been enough to send me away, I can tell you that. Moody outbursts would have made me raise an eyebrow and continued cuddling - well, you found that one out.You can rebuild your life by realising he is quite a damaged man, it is NOT you. YOU interacted with the him and then discovered (as we all do) that he isn't what you HOPED for. We discover things along the way and please look at it that you only spent MONTHS not YEARS on this.Also, do NOT give up your hiking group because he is there. Why should YOU give up something you love?? Yes, it may be awkward to see him if you haven't released your anger and resentment by that time but work on that. It is a process. YOU and ME have both experienced the strange world of the cuddler - I got through it and so can you!
...............................
|
