A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for about three years now and for the last two years of our relationship, he had to move for his job. He’s about 13 hours away from me now. He and I see each other as much as we can, despite the distance. The last I saw him was about 3 weeks ago. Yesterday he called me telling me about a plane ticket that was very reasonable however we wouldn’t know what time the flight left until after the flight was booked (this is why it was so cheap). I basically told him that I had to know what time the flight was leaving because if it left early morning I’d have to leave work early. My job is very demanding and if I left early I’d receive an occurrence. I take my work very seriously and don’t like leaving early or calling off unless it’s an emergency. Well, needless to say, I didn’t end up going through with the flight for that very reason and now he’s upset and admits to “testing me”. I’d call him and he won’t answer my calls for the past 5 days but he will text me telling me that he means nothing to me. His job is very demanding and if he calls off or leaves early he may get fired. Id never do this to him. Why do you think he’s doing this? He tells me he wouldn’t care if I received an occurrence and he tells me that I keep failing his tests and if I can’t do what he wants or meet his expectations then it won’t work between us.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2017): Thank you all for your opinion and feedback regarding this matter. We’re finally talking on the phone now and he seems fine. He does come off as narcissistic, at times. He needs to have control and what he says goes or else. But I struggle with letting go of our history and all of the good times we have and continue to have. I often wonder how nice it would be to find someone or date someone closer. If he doesn’t stop setting me up, I will let go because I can’t take this stress it causes!
Thank you all for taking time to answer my question. I truly truly appreciate it. You guys don’t know how much you’ve helped me!!
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 November 2017):
Honestly, 2 years of LDR is taxing on both people. You both will eventually lose grip on reality and the rulebook sometimes gets thrown out the window. This one specific incident seems like the ongoing strain the relationship and someone is looking to blame the other.
You both love to work at least, right?
Just end the relationship, date people/find someone closer to you. If you ever go LDR again keep in mind that there must be some end goal of someone at least moving to the other.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 November 2017):
 Why on earth does he want to test you? It is a relationship you are in not an exam. Look it sounds to me like he is controlling and he is testing to see how much he can push you. Sure long distance is hard but there is no need for him to treat you the way that he is treating you at all. As you said you wouldn't ask him to do this for you.
If it has been long distant for two years then maybe he is struggling and needs more, if that is the case he needs to talk to you and arrange something not test you as he calls it. Honestly you need to tell him that it is not okay to treat you like this and talk like adults. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (2 November 2017):
 That sounds very manipulative. Does he display any narcissistic tendencies? Especially the part about "Not meeting his expectations" The heck? Narcissists often do things like this knowing very well that it will play on the emotions of the victim making them think "Is something wrong with me?" or "Am I being unjust?". You know him best so you should be able to identify if anything about him ever alerted a red flag before. Even the simplest of things. Trust me, narcissists ARE NOT as obvious as you might think.But like I said, you know him best so if you think he's just being whiny and acting out because he wants you to put your job on the line to make himself feel better just reassure him that you love him and not to ever do that again. LDR has it's difficulties but this comes off childish.All the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): He's a grown-man. Being that you're dealing with an adult-life situation, flip the script on him. Now you are testing HIS patience, maturity, and sense of reason.
I too would have done exactly as you did. Give me the full itinerary, and I will see what I can do. If you can't provide all the details; I will not place my job responsibilities aside in anticipation of what "might" happen; or "might not" even be feasible or sensible. The flight could have been over-booked and you could have been bumped.
He'll either get over it, or you can decide if this is even worth the aggravation. LDR's are stressful enough without dealing with unreasonable and flaky behavior. After three years, who does he think he is to be "testing" you?
I think he's gone kooky, and he's trying to pick a fight. He probably wants out; but he'd rather cause some sort of conflict to place the blame on you. I'd rather have someone closer, available, and more reasonable. I think it's time to put this relationship to rest.
I venture to suspect, if you dumped him; he'd be relieved. I think he wants to end it anyway.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 November 2017):
 I think Honeypie is right. He is setting you up ; he wants , more or less consciously, you to fail his tests.
Or else , he is -sorry- just plain dumb. Life isn't some trashy romance novel, where you just " follow your heart " and jump on a plane to reach your beloved , no matter what. People have to take their job commitments seriously, not just out of moral integrity-that too- but also because they want to keep a roof on their head and food on their table. Getting fired fr " love "- and then not having, maybe for a good while, ANY money for travelling,- is the silliest notion ever.
Tell him that if and when you want to take " tests " you'll go back to school. Leave him a little while to come back to his senses . But if he doesn't, be prepared to let him go- because it sounds like that's what , at some level, he would prefer.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 November 2017):
 Honestly?
Leave him be a few days to stew. No calling no texting.
What kind of test did he think it was anyway? For you to drop EVERYTHING and go see him with NO regards to YOUR job and livelihood? Life isn't a Hollywood movie.
The test makes no sense and buying such a ticket makes no sense either. Cheap or not.
The problem with LDR's is that it can be HARD to maintain trust and faith that at some point it WILL work out. Have you two talked about WHAT to do about BOTH of you living in the same place? As in one of you looking for a job where the other one works? Is it doable?
If you think about it, it's been an LDR for 2/3 of the time you two have been together. Maybe what he ISN'T saying is that it's no longer fulfilling for him. So he devises a way to "test" your commitment (not his own) and when you "fail" (in his eyes) he feels he can walk away.
What he seems to NOT understand is that YOU need YOUR job as much as HE needs his. You need a roof over your head as much as he does. YOUR job is NO LESS important than his job is. BUT for HIM that doesn't matter. This is about you not being willing to do whatever HE demands at the drop of a hat. Like booking a flight without making sure you don't get fired if you just bugger off one morning.
He doesn't seem to be good at conflict solving or compromising - it seems like MY way or the highway here.
My guess? This is all about him getting a way out of an LDR he no longer wants but doing it in a way where YOU are the "bad guy" the reason it didn't work... Not him.
He could instead have told you, I don't think this LDR thing is working for me anymore so we are done. But no, he invests a "test" that he KNOWS you will fail (as would he, if he had to do the same) and squarely lay the blame at YOUR feet that way. It's not ALL your fault it's not working out.
I think your LDR has reached its expiration date. And he isn't man enough to just TELL you.
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