A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I'm in a tricky situation and I don't know weather to go with my heart or my head. I've been with my current boyfriend for 2 years , we also live together which makes things harder. My boyfriend has known since day 1 that I would like to start having children in the near future. When this was first discussed he was open up to the idea that I wanted kids . I told him this early on , to avoid the kind of thing that is happening now . Anyway last summer I said to him how would he feel about maybe start trying this year ? As I'm 25 and more then ready to settle down with my own little family. We had words as he said he would be scared and came round to it . As I said if we don't want the same things then I'll just move out t, there's no point . So , he promised me that it would happen ( this year) . We were talking few months ago and he dropped the bombshell that he didn't know when and IF he wanted kids at all. My heart just sank , I was so mad at him for messing me around . So after a lot of talking ,again he said he thinks it's just coz he scared of being a dad , I asked when he thinks he'd be ready if wants any at all. All I get is I don't know . He knows my feelings ain't changed coz I still make it clear what I've always wanted but he said and I quote " I don't know what I want " bearing in mind he's the same age as me . What do I do ? When we do have sex we always use condoms but on few occasions he hasn't suggested to put one on , suppose coz he knows what I really want but he doesn't shoot his load if you like , coz he knows deep down he doesn't want kids . He says he doesn't want to loose me , but do I wait around for someone for in 5 years time to tell me that they don't want kids and then I've wasted my time with someone who never really wanted the things I crave for ?? Sorry for going on, but help !! Please . Thanks
View related questions:
condom Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 March 2014):
 As others have said , it's a gamble, and if you absolutely want a safe bet, - if having children matters more to you that having a relationship with this particular man, then you can't afford waiting, you need to move on. If you lose, you'd be losing too much.
FWIW, I think he might change his mind in time. Like most guys do. What you do not consider is that you may feel ready to have a child now at 25, but that for the average 25 y.o. MALE 25 is awfully early . I don't know anybody that age who decided , or decides, to make a baby because that's his fondest desire.
In your country, the average age of first childbirth has been getting higher along the years and now is a few weeks shy of 30 ( THIRTY ) for females. HALF of births are from mothers OVER 30. ( Your friends must be lowering the average sensibly ! All these moms at 24 ?...Unusual ). Since generally in a couple the man is a bit older than the woman, it stands to reason that the average age for first time fathers will be around 32 or so.
You may say , who cares about average ? I am ready now, and he is having a relationship with ME, not with the average UK population.
Yes, but these things- the context and the environment and the social attitudes - do matter, whether you like it or not.
Nobody wants to be the first ( or only ) one in a bunch of peers who gets to deal at such a young age to all the restrictions and limitations which come with fatherhood. Let's face it, being a parent brings you a lot of wonderful joys, but also puts a lots of pressure and limitations on .. everything. Your finances, sex life, freedom, social life, schedule. Who's the guy who wants to deal with all that at 25. Who's the guy who wants to have his weekends filled with dirty nappies and pacifiers , rather than leasure,fun friends , and a couple of cans of
beer. They know that they have other 5 or 10 years for enjoying their life, furthering their careers, putting their time energy and money in personal pursuits, THEN they can settle down and have it all.
So from "no kids" to "maybe " to Yes ! tends to happen often quite naturally, slowly and gradually, in due time.
Maybe/ probably, he would come around eventually. But, it's still a gamble,- and if you feel you just CAN'T afford to lose- then it would be smarter to stop betting altogether.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (8 March 2014):
 I hear no real commitment here of marriage before having a child, so I’m wondering where does he stand on that agenda?
After 2 years you’d have to have a good idea if your relationship is stable and whether you’re both on the same page as each other to take the next big step; marriage mortgage children etc.
Here he appears to be unsettled with the idea of parenthood, as he still does not know… and there’s no reason given to us, why would he be scared of being a Dad? Unless there are some past issues in his childhood or he doesn’t feel or have that makeup for fatherhood as some men do not.
Regardless of his fears, you desire a child which makes neither of you on the same page… The gamble as you know is to wait; tick26 tick27 tick28… or sadly realise he has issues or just not made for fatherhood.
All in all it’s not fair of him to hold onto you or sensible of you to stay waiting, hoping and gambling precious time; tick29 tick30 tick 31years of age away?
It’s a monumental sacrifice and decision to have children at the best of times, but when one needs convincing or is unsure of himself at this point in the relationship, it’s sadly time to move on.
Take Care – CAA
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2014): It sounds to me like he doesn't want kids, but he is really inlove with you and doesn't want to lose you, so he's trying to please you... But it wouldn't be fair on anyone for him to have kids for the sake of keeping you if he doesn't genuinely want them himself. It's sad, but I think you need to be the one to end this, on the basis that you need to be with someone who genuinely wants what you want.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (8 March 2014):
 I would thank him for being honest (albeit late), decide how long you can wait for the answer you want (which "I want kids, yes I do!") from a guy who has essentially told you he's not really into being a father, and go from there.
I would also start to look for a new place to live. You are ready for a family, you are living with a guy who isn't and might never be ready. Why tie yourself financially and emotionally so tightly with a guy who doesn't want the same future?
I would not have sex without a condom with him for now.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 March 2014):
 Ya know what should be your REAL concern????? ..... that you and he AREN'T MARRIED.... so you (both) have NO REAL "committment" to one-another..... AND, you're considering to bring children in to this world....
Do you NOT recognize this for the TRAP that it is??? ... that YOU are not insisting that HE be committed to the "family" that YOU will be stuck with????..... and YOU (single Mom) will endure the struggle (it goes on for 18 years, you know...) that kids are???
How about asking: Do you think I ought to spawn with this guy,.... who has revealed to me that he doesn't really want to be much of a "father".... never mind being a "Dad"... to my/our kids? The answer to THAT question will be an emphatic: "Don't even THINK about it!!!"
Good luck..
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2014): Thank you honeypie for your answer.
I totally agree with you on that , might just have to do that.
I thought I was the one in the wrong for even suggesting what I want life .
Really appreciate your answer
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 March 2014):
 I think he wasn't sure when you first dated, but over the last 2 years it's become more clear that me MIGHT not want any. And THAT is fair enough. YOU don't want kids with a man who really doesn't WANT to be a dad.
So you need to figure out if this is a deal breaker (it sounds like it to me). And exactly how long you want to give him to make up his mind..
DO NOT have sex without protection ANY MORE. Because IF you get pregnant he can always pull the.. Well, I REALLY didn't want to be a Dad so bye bye...
Decide for yourself how long you are willing to give him to give you a CONCRETE answer. then tell him. After that, if yo u stay it will be KNOWING he doesn't WANT kids, and if you leave then it's OK because you are NOT in the same book when it comes to family & kids. But I would NOT stick around for more then 6 months for him to decide. Which gives YOU ample time to find another place to live and move.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2014): Thanks for the answer .
Just to make it clear I'm not "desperate" to have kids but would if I was still with my partner in the near future.
And I would never ever trick someone into unprotected sex , I think that's morally wrong , I would never do that.
But thanks for all responses
:)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2014): Thanks for the answer .
Just to make it clear I'm not "desperate" to have kids but would if I was still with my partner in the near future.
And I would never ever trick someone into unprotected sex , I think that's morally wrong , I would never do that.
But thanks for all responses
:)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2014): Thanks for your answer . You might think 25 is still young to have children, which for some people it is . But I'm a mature 25 going on 26 year old and know what I want in life . So many people that I went to school with are married with kids by the time there 24.I have never said I was trying to force him into this situation , I've always been honest with him . I would never force someone into a decision that there not ready for hence the reason i don't know if I have a future with him. So you think it's fair that he's playing with my feelings chopping and changing his mind to when it suits? I'm just confused , everybody has different desires in life and settling down is one of them to me , doesn't mean it's wrong looking into the long term future. I thought I deserve to know where i stand for years to come . :)
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (8 March 2014):
 You have a really tough choice here.
I'm not sure that he was "messing you around" so much as doing some soul-searching himself as to whether he could see himself as a father one day. You have already told him you absolutely want kids and so he understands that telling you what he has could ultimately mean he loses you and the relationship that you share. So I'm not surprised that he gave his verdict on this A LOT of thought beforehand. He's risking everything to be honest with you.
You may be completely ready for kids at 25 but many people are not. Your boyfriend clearly isn't. I am 26 myself and if my partner came to me and said he wanted kids "this year" I would have to seriously reconsider the relationship. Even though I would like them someday, "right now" is definitely not the right time in my life. Like your partner, I would risk my relationship to make sure I don't take on a responsibility I'm not yet prepared to handle, because my ability to cope with it would have consequences for people besides myself (my partner; our child if we had one).
What you absolutely do not want to do is stay with him and pressure him into making a life-altering choice he's not ready for. This could include unprotected sex where a pregnancy is your goal but not his. I have a coworker whose now-wife lied to him about her birth control and got pregnant to "trap" him in the relationship, knowing their families were both religious and would push for marriage if a pregnancy occurred. He HATES her for it. He married her only because of pressure from both families, just as she had planned. They don't believe in divorce, so their child is in for 18 years of misery in a home full of resentment. It's a sad situation all around. Don't go down that road, not even a little ways.
It's quite possible that as your partner reaches his late twenties and becomes more established in life he will realize that he does want children or is at least accepting of the idea. It's also possible that he never will. You have another 15 years or more in which you can bear children, so factor that in when deciding whether to write him off.
Also consider the reality that telling new dates you are looking to settle down and have kids ASAP is going to send many good guys running for the hills. Not only does it sound a little desperate, it lets them know that if they choose you there won't be much time to enjoy being committed or married to JUST you, enjoying each other one on one, before a hectic household and additional responsibilities come along. You may very well "waste" quite a lot of time in search of a guy who has whatever else you seek in a partner AND is OK with this. But who knows, finding such a person at last might well be worth it.
Good luck and best wishes with whatever you decide to do.
...............................
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (8 March 2014):
 In all honesty, I think 25 is still very young for a lot of people to be having children.
You have a decision to make - do you want to wait a few years (28 is still young for children!) or do you want to cut and run from this relationship to find a man who will impregnate you on your timescale?
To force him into children when is isn't reading or unsure if he wants them is both selfish and cruel, not to him, but to future children, as they will grow up with a father who isn't interested or resents them - or worst case isn't around at all.
...............................
|
