A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is the scenario:Guy breaks up with his girlfriend of a few years. They remain friends. They start hanging out and talking on the phone as soon as a few weeks after break up.A few months later, he dates someone new. A new girl he appears to be serious with, they've gotten intimate and met the family.He is still hanging out and talking to the ex, but he never mentions being with someone new. He even avoids bringing this new girlfriend to where there may be a possibility they'd run into the ex.New girlfriend asks him why he has never mentioned her to his ex, since they are 'such good friends'. His response is because he does not want to hurt his ex's feelings.Is that a valid reason or do you feel it's B.S.? What is he REALLY thinking?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 October 2015):
 I think it's BS.
he is cheating emotionally.
I'm not a huge believer in being friends with the x.
civil yes
friendly yes
FRIENDS... hell to the no.
he's lying. it's a lie of omission but it's a lie.
it's a manipulation.
He's hedging his bets.
I agree 100% with Honeypie as usual.
do not issue an ultimatum. just say you are sorry but that the current situation is unworkable for you and leave.
IF he asks why tell him "i can't bear being the dirty little secret from your ex"
nothing but complete honesty by him with her will fix this so do not accept any excuses as they are just that excuses.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 October 2015):
 It's not a poor " excuse " in the sense that he may be telling absolutely the truth, just what he thinks and feels , but it's a bad, not acceptable reason !
It means that he KNOWS that his ex would be jealous and have a conniption knowing that he is with somebody else. Which means she still has romantic / erotic longings for him- and he is encouraging her by keeping up this so-called " friendship " which is not a friendship but an unrequited love.
Some times you've got to be cruel to be kind, and I suspect your bf knows it too. I think he knows that the best would be , if not total NC with this girl, just backing off quite a bit for a while until this girl has somewhat licked her wounds and moved on; and then, if they want , they can have a real friendhip, without unsaid longings, and you might befriend her too !
Or, if he cannot / does not want to cut her off because they belong anyway to the same social circle, cool, but he should stick to group outings.
Yes , maybe it's a bit punitive to just cancel this girl completely off if she has not done anything bad to him- but ultimately it is cruel as well, even a bit sadistic, to keep her hanging, dangling under her nose the carrot of " friendship ",... when he knows she'd like to be more than friends. To the point she can't even be told that your bf has got a new girlfriend.... which should be a happy, positive news for a good friend to now, right ?
So, either he plans to keep her interested just in case.... it's always good to have someone true and tried to go back to , in case your new relationship(s) do not work out.... or, he is not SO exploitative but he is VAIN- he loves the attention, he loves to be wanted, he's getting a major ego boost from his " friend ".
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 October 2015):
 What is he really thinking?
That his "friendship" with his ex is more important than the relationships with the new GF.
Unless he ran of to join a monastery the ex ought to know that eventually he'd date someone new. Not telling her is more hurtful in the sense that he is keeping a HUGE part of his life from his so-called "friend".
I would not ask a guy to pick, but I would NOT date a guy who prioritize and ex over me, and in this case I'd feel like he was. I'd just say, OK, that is how you want it, good luck I'm out. No drama.
Why wouldn't I make an ultimatum? Because in most scenarios ultimatums rarely work, they only breed resentment. And a PERSON should know that hanging out with an ex, but not mentioning or offering for her/him to met his new love of his life means that the ex IS more important and "must" be "protected from "bad" news 2K15".... YOU would be the BAD GUY for not accepting this scenario - where in reality HE should know that it's not right. Not right for the GF and not right for the ex.
Yes, I'd totally call B.S. And I seriously doubt he would be OK with it if the shoes was on the other foot.
Doesn't mean he wants to get back with her, but he also don't want to give up the ego rub of being "friends" with the ex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2015): Oh dear me! thus isn't acceptable at all....I'm not big on the whole 'friends' thing after a break up- but especially not hanging out and meeting up stuff- straight after breaking up too? really? doesn't sound to me like it's emotionally over or they are disconnected as they should be- to my mind he shouldn't be going out of his way to meet an ex of five minutes ago, and notto tell jher about you to spare her feelings.....insulting and disrespectful to you who should be his priority of taking care of feelings- not her!
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