A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, i've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years but he's always had trust issues when it comes to me. I can't go out to parties without him and if my girlfriends are planning a girls night out we have to argue before i go and he will find something irritating to say about it. If he calls my phone and can't get me he will call my step sister asking where I am and that if I come back she should let him know.Recently I went to a party, but earlier I had made plans to hang out with him but my sisters planned a girls night out and because I hadn't been out with them in a while so I called my boyfriend to explain since I had seen him everyday of the week and I would make it up to him, and I thought he would understand. He text me saying why don't I want him to come that he's sure there were going to be men there as well and that it's because of men that I want to grind and dance with that am stopping him from coming.Towards the end of the party he text me again saying that he knows everything that happened that night that i was whining and flirting with guys, and am a slut and a whore. I told him "good bye and good ridance" to which he replied "good ridance to bad rubbish like you". Now he says he was drinking and my step sister text him saying he's missing out and am dancing with different guys. My sister says she never said anything to him and that he text her asking her if there were any men present. He's never been this verbally harsh before and I've forgiven him on so many things in the past. But I feel I can't go back to him even though he says there are people with bigger problems in their relationships than we have and that it's not the kind of problem you would break up over after being together for more than 4 years.Please share your thoughts and thanks in advance.
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female
reader, Auntie E  +, writes (18 May 2010):
 For now give him another chance because of what your step-sister did to him. I agree that he should have been much more up front with you but hey he didn't so you are going to have to let that go. As I said give him another chance for now and do stay away from your step sister. You'll eventually get to the bottom of this. It's his word against hers. Let me tell you something else too - when you have an argument with your boyfriend DO NOT broadcast it to relatives. In doing so you "poison the well." You color their thinking about him. It's not fair to do that sort of thing. A disagreement is between the two of you and should remain that way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses I really appreciate it but I just found out that it has actually been my step sister feeding him with lies all this time. Whenever I have an argument with him and talk 2 my sisters when am upset (please note that I never bad mouth or pass insults about in front of them apart from saying what's happened) my step sister goes back and tells him what we've talked about and adds lies to it. Its been going on for months but obviously I had no idea. He says that 2 months ago he told her to stop calling him about me but she continued and he stopped answering her calls but she would still text him information about me. There are times he would get really upset and we would argue unnecessarily and I never knew why. Now am finding out its because of the lies she was feeding him about me.He's apologised and usually I would have forgiven him by now and especially after all those apologies. But I feel betrayed by both of them cos he's telling me stuff that only my sisters knew and she's telling me stuff only he knew. They are each blaming the other person. But would you forgive someone like that knowing that he's been looking at you everyday and acting normal with so much anger inside him without telling you what's going on? I feel like I've been an enemy in his eyes and don't understand how he managed to do so while believing what he was being told and sometimes he just couldn't handle bottling it up and we would fight cos he would ask me questions and believed I was lying to him cos he'd been told otherwise(which I didn't know). I've asked him why he didn't tell me but says it was a mistake he did and that got carried away in wanting to know more.And now he expects me to understand that he was misled?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): Hi, your bf is very harsh with you, and has serious trust issues. If you have been truly faithful in the past (only you know the answer), then you deserve a better man who trusts you in return for what you give him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): He is probably accusing you simply because, he is guilty of what he says you are doing behind his back. He's a jerk.
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A
female
reader, kittykhaos +, writes (16 May 2010):
 He sounds like my ex who was deadfuly abusive and controlling. It started out like this always asking me where i was and what i was up too, despite the face i never cheated on him and in fact he had cheated on me several times. Then he started getting verbally abusive then physically abusive. it took a few years to get to that point but thats where it ended up. Get rid do you really want to spend your life with someone who can;t trust you and talks to you like that? you probably deserve much better than that.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (16 May 2010):
 Well you did nothing wrong and he still accused you and that's is very insulting to you. If this happened to me I would be fuming. You don't wanna be stuck with someone like that and paranoia can be really hard to get rid of. Maybe one day his paranoia will come back to haunt him when other girls leave him for the same reason. Find someone who loves you enough to use his initiative and not just distrust you without a reason.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 May 2010):
This man is an abuser, and unless you dump him now, you are going to end up very hurt, looking into a mirror and not knowing who you are. His abuse is steadily getting worse, and will continue to do so. for your own piece of mind, you need to get away from him and cut contact.
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A
female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (16 May 2010):
Sorry to say this dear but his behavior will only get worse. He has all the earmarks of an abuser. Right now he is trying to control you with verbal harshness - later on it may become physical. Ask yourself this - Why do you want to be with a guy that you have to argue with or cajole in order to go out with your friends? And then once you're out constantly texting your sister to see what you are doing. On top of that he then makes an excuse (I was drinking) and lies to you about your sister texting him about you dancing with other guys? What? Who needs that? Just go out with your friends, dance and have a good time. Have fun and enjoy the people that you are with. And ask your sister to stop with the texting! Text messages can be ignored (or even blocked) you know.
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