A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I met somebody about 8 months ago, he seemed to be a really genuine guy with good morals and lots of ambition like me and I really thought it could go somewhere. We had several dates and was all going well only I made the mistake of admitting I had had an affair with a married man (I was single) last year which I deeply regret and know it was all based on sex. I only mentioned it as I wanted to be honest about why I don't rush into anything head first anymore and dont trust people straight off as I got hurt.He said he didn't want a girlfriend literally hours after I told him about the affair I know he was trying to find an excuse. We spoke only every couple of month after that just to catch up but a few days ago he got in touch. The way he was talking I think he was implying that because we are both single still it would make sense to just sleep with each other now and then. I can see his point of view it would be nicer than being completely alone but I dont think I can take the hurt of being used for sex all over again. All Im asking do you think he is just assuming because Ive done it once I can have sex no strings very easily or is he regretting his decision and its worth staying in touch with him and see where it goesSorry it was long! x
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affair, ambition, married man Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): A few years ago I started seeing a married woman, not something i am particularly proud of but we had a really special connection. I was in a long term relationship and had never had an affair before.I was worried I may be putting everything on the line for someone who was just having a fling and the woman did admit that she had previously had an affair but it had been over sometime and she really regretted it because it had been so worng. Over the next year we got closer and it eventually came out that she had two affair back to back before we started seeing each. One of them was a mutal colleague at work and he still thought their affair was dormant rather than over. This eventually caused quite a bit of grief in work and he ended up being being disciplined because of how he treated her ( he was her manager) when he found out about me. We both split with our partners and moved intogether. Three years down the line we have lived together for 20 months, are engaged, and I am as happy as I could wish to be. We are both really honest wth each other.I guess the point I am trying to make is that if I had known everything at the beginning I would never have got involved. Not lying is not the same as telling everything and there are times when the truth shold come out but not too early in a relationship. I would have never understood the reasons for her previous affairs and the issues that surrounded them at an early stageint he relationship and would probably have made some judgemental calls instead of trying to understand and accept that sometimes we do things in life we are not proud of but those experiences can make us better people.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009):
Nobody would blame a guy for breaking things off with a girl after she tells him that she has cheated on every guy she's ever dated in her life.
It's a large degree of difference from this case. But the difference is still only a matter of degrees and not principle. The guy has the right to find something the girl did in the past to be objectionable and choose not to date her anymore.
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (29 October 2009):
 I usually am careful to say A anonymous poster. I bet I can tell yours from the others. Even on a bit of a rant you still keep a bit of measure and proportion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): Sorry to hijack this OP but got a message for Q.yet again Q i know your post is meant for me. your advice to the OP is spot on!i post anon because i NEED to. this is my work laptop and due to the nature of my work i get audited all the time. so unfortunatley i choose to not PM aunts here since it will come to bite me in the ass big time.oh and by the way you did shit me out big time in a number of my posts. but i think you need to note that there are a number of regular anon aunts who perhaps you misidentify as the same all the time. still luv you and still think at 51 you have a lot to offer. by the way you have stiff competition with GRIMM. Now he is my HERO! (LOL)
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (28 October 2009):
Hell must definitely be freezing over, because once again I agree with a fem anon. Wait a bit longer if you feel compelled to tell your next guy about your dealings with a married man. Let him know who you really are so he will not judge you so harshly. To tell a guy you would sleep with a married man when he is still sizing you up is not so good....because he is still sizing you up. That bit of information is not going to be looked at in the same light as when he knows you for what you really are. Instead of him filing it in with extenuating circumstances of a cool chick with a colorful life, he thinks of it as an indicator of a deceptive person. You really can't blame him. You just withdrew from the best foot forward part of the relationship stage a bit prematurely.
I wonder why you guys post anonymously when you are not on a one sided rant. I picture a woman running from room to room changing voices and shrieking at herself in alternating personalities. Give her a break...slut..she a nice girl...she's a tramp. And poster you sound delightful. I am just hi-jacking your thread for a bit of fun. Right? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2009): hi, this man did nothing wrong. He made a choice - and i thnk he choose not to get involved with someone who lied and cheated previously. just as you made a choice to have an affair with a married man, this guy chose not to get involved with someone who did. it means that in his mid you are not a keeper, and that you have low morals and that you will have a tendency to cheat. having said that, realise this- this guy now wants to use your affair to his advantage. just because you are perceived as no good for a committed relationship, and to be his gf, he thinks that you will stoop low again and just fuck around. show him that you have changed. show him that you have morals. show him that you learnt from that afafir and now you respect yourself. SHOW HIM THE DOOR!if you are not good enough to be his gf(?) surely you should also not be good enough for a mere fuck. this guy is clever and he is seeing possibilities.when he finds a "good decent" woman he will drop you like yesterdays garbage. this guy just want to now fuck you since he believes you have no morals. BUT you turn around and tell him, THANKS BUT NO THANKS!!!!!!girl, no one has the right to treat you like shit. if you allow him to then you deserve what you tolerate.
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (28 October 2009):
People under sell the depth of betrayal that people stoop to having an affair. This is not to say you are inherently a bad person. But when you are telling the story, the listener's (your guy) can't know all the reasons that enticed you over the line. If the guy lied to you, or all the hotness, or just plain convenience, that cause people to compromise their integrity. Every one will just picture two people not caring who they hurt steamrolling any one and everyone that stood in their way of banging around. Not saying that this is the reality of it. I am saying that will be the default reality we all go to in our mind.
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A
female
reader, shikiraclare  +, writes (28 October 2009):
You have already had quite a few answers but here's my take:
As the caring guy pointed out: he does appear to want to use you for his own gains because he is obviously attracted to you but also because you are available and not in a committed relationship and he sees you as easy access when he clearly isn't looking to commit to a woman he could possibly get serious with.
Telling him about your mistake and learning from it should make you desirable to any genuine man because you have shown maturity by being truthful - despite it being a past mistake. This man is using you to his own advantage as if he thinks you are sitting duck (vulnerable and pliable) but you have the powers to show him otherwise and let him know that you are not the kind of girl who wants casual sex for the sake of curbing feelings of lonliness. it's easy to want his approval when you are feeling to blame for his behaviour towards you; but don't give him an inch when he will just take a mile and leave you feeling even more unworthy of love than you do already.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): sorry I should have pointed out we had been in alot of contact for about 2 months before we met properly and it was about a month later I told him so it wasnt literally the first couple of weeks, he told me things about himself to do with depression as well so it was a sharing thing, not that it makes a whole load of difference to the situation though!
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
 I agree with CodeWarrior about honesty but you don't need to divulge ALL on your first few dates. Trust is built over time and you disclose only a little at a time. That guy you told could spread rumors about you and you need to be very careful about what you tell and who you tell. That's VERY personal information and should be treated as such!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): Thanks for your help, I knew how it sounded just needed to hear it from someone else really.I didn't tell him randomly he asked about how my past relationships were and we discussed the good and the bad jointly, I only sed I had one I regretted deeply and was happy to be away from and he managed to work it out. He understood where I was in my life at the time I made the decision to persue the affair and that I was getting over someone else at the time with bouts of depression(no excuse I know)so maybe yes I was screwed up back then but we all have our weak points I suppose.We've spoke about it since in a jokey way theres no harm in what he says but maybe he won't ever get it out of his head now and I've created a perception of me that really couldn't be further from the truth, I'm not the type of person who goes around doing that at all.I think I just felt so comfortable with him that I felt I could share it with him and he did thank me for being able to confide in him. I think staying as friends will be the closest it will ever be now. Thanks again x
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A
male
reader, Code Warrior + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
 I agree with the other poster's and I would add one more thing: If he was into you, telling him that you were involved with a married man set off his trust alarm.
Basically, you said that you deeply regretted it because you knew it was all based on sex. However, if you did not address the moral implications of your affair with him, then you implied that it was not an issue for you. I don't know what you actually said to him, I only know what you have told us here.
By not mentioning the moral issue of cheating among your list of regrets, there is an implication that you are OK with it as long as it is not all about the sex. While you personally were not cheating, you were knowingly helping someone else to cheat and that amounts to an acceptance of cheating as being OK. I'm not saying that is what you think, I am only pointing out that the omission of the moral component in your regrets can lead to conclusions that may not be true.
Conseuently, if you did not express regret over helping him cheat, then this new guy probably saw you as someone who may cheat on him when the chips are down. If that is what he concluded, then his offer of no-strings sex was his way of telling you that you are worth nothing more to him than a romp in the sack. Obviously, this is not what you intended, but it is possible that was the message he got.
If my assumption about him is correct, then he has absolutely no interest in you of any kind and has absolutlely no regrets at all. If this is the case, and you think he is worth pursuing, you can try addressing the moral issue with him - but I don't know if you will get anywhere or not.
Being honest about your past can be a two edged sword. If you are, then your risk rejection at that time. If you are not, then you risk rejection later if they find out.
I personally think that honesty is a good thing, but you need to be able to address any concerns or red flags raised by your past and you need to be convincing in your regrets and resulting life style changes. At least then, if you meet someone and they accept your past, then you can be more comfortable knowing that they it is less likey to come back and haunt you later on. It doesn't mean that it won't come back, just that it is less likely to.
Personally, I think you should just move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009):
Honestly it sounded like he has formed the impression that you are not a girl he could ever get serious about because of your past decisions.
I kind of agree with him. I dont see how a 22-25 yo has an affair with a married man unless their is something screwed up with her. BTW I am basing that on the girls have I known who were in that situation and subconsciously made the decision because they felt "they didnt deserve a real relationship".
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
 I would let him go. He find you "lacking" in the girlfriend material but "good enough" to screw. Basically. But your gut already told you that. Listen to your gut :)
I agree with Ask Older Sister. There is no need to go into details about past relationships.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
Look, you don't need a bunch of reasons to explain to someone why you want to take things slow. Your preference for doing so is all you need to say. That was TOO much information you told that guy- more mystery, less history, okay? I'm sure you are a great person now, but normal guys are going to run for the hills if you tell them about some married guy that crippled your trust and caused issues. YIKES...
Pour your heart out and talk about your "issues" with your girlfriends or a therapist, not some guy you just started dating. He doesn't need to know any of that. Take care and get a grip!!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
No, he's thinking about using you. He wasn't actually ready for a relationship at all. If he was, he would have been able to handle your past, regardless of what had happened, and it wouldn't have made a difference. I think he thought that because you had meaningless sex with a married man, you would have meaningless sex with him and it would cut out the emotion. He's not really interested in you for anything more than sex, so in my opionion, I think you would be better off not contacting him. He will use you. Really focus on yourself, give yourself time to get over him, and when you're ready you'lll fidn a guy who will love you.
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