New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login224590 questions, 976160 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

He anally raped me, treated me like a toy. Should I finish with him?

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 January 2008) 30 Answers - (Newest, 16 January 2009)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

me and my boyfriend were having sex the other night, and he asked me for anal. I've done it once before with him and didnt really enjoy it but it didnt hurt so i thought it would be fine again, not realising last time i dont it i was very drunk which must have helped alot.

this time it was so so painful even with lube (he is very big i have trouble takin him normally sometimes).

I kept tellin him it was hurtin and he was sayin he wud take it gentle, it was hurtin that badly i started cryin and shaking, and he kept asking me if it was hurtin and i kept sayin yes. this went on for about 10 minutes and he eventually stopped and i ran to the bathroom cryin and wouldnt let him touch me for the rest of the night.

i eventually told him the next day why i was so quiet and unresponsive, that he had hurt me in more ways than one. one doin it, then 2 it hurt me to think he didnt care and still done it when i was upset and in pain.

this from the man that has said from day one that i am the one,he will marry me, and we will have kids, we are meant to be together.

then he goes and treats me like a toy...........

i dont no what to do, i could never carry on wit something if i new it was hurting someone.

im not sure i believe he loves me after this, i am so close to finnishin it, i would have already if it wasnt for him begginin for forgivness and cryin.

View related questions: drunk

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A male reader, Slakker8000 United Kingdom +, writes (16 January 2009):

God this is hilarious. He anally raped you? Does your tiny brain understand the seriousness of that claim, both legally and emotionally?

<-- Rate this answer

A reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hey Sailor, Thanks for your unhelpful comments!!! This did happen ages ago as in my previous post and I did "grow a back bone" and leave him, I kicked his ass out of my life a while back!!!!

But just for the record if I was still in that sitution your hurtful comments wudn't hav helped at all.

So instead of trying to be all high and mighty and telling people who they are or who they should be, or what they've done in the past which is wrong - GROW UP YOURSELF!!!!!!

and please dont give anyone who is suicidal advice you might just push them over the edge!!! TOSS POT!!!!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Sailor__67 New Zealand +, writes (22 December 2008):

Oh Grow Up!

Posts like this make me angry.

Your nearly in your mid - 20's and you're acting like a helpless 10yr old.

Do you have Doormat stamped on your forehead?

If he really is this much of a prick, vote with your feet and leave him.

Better still, if he really did "rape" you as you initially asserted then retracted, then call the police, that will solve two problems, 1) Getting him out of your life 2) Giving him such a fright that he'll probably never entertain the thought of mistreating someone again.

Don't get me wrong, if he knew you were suffering and hating the experience but still he selfishly persevered, then he deserves at least being ejected from your life.

Your first updated post established what I'd already deciphered reading between the lines, that he didn't rape you at all, in fact you agreed to try anal and then never asked him to stop. It was irresponsible of you to use such an emotive term to cover your inability to assert yourself.

Your third updated post cemented your firm grip on victimhood "i stupidly decided to forgive him, and yes he still didnt take no for an answer many more times and he treat me like a piece of s**t!" You are not an indentured slave, rise up, emancipate yourself from this evil oppressor! But, you STILL have not made it clear that you've left him.

From your updated posts however you are going to have to spend some time growing a backbone and giving up your victimhood security blanket to do it.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008):

Thanks for the update babes, that was very kind of you. That's the problem with advice. People can give all types of advice, but people rarely listen. If they get answers that don't fit their feelings or their personal situation, they ignore it and things get worse. It was very kind of you to respond, maybe the next time somebody has "forced anal sex" they might listen and realise that you can't "forgive" someone for this type of behaviour, and you can't "forgive people", who hurt you and cause you pain and continue as if you had no feelings at all... Blessings, I hope your situation has improved and you are now taking care of you...

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi thanks for your reply this happened ages ago, and i stupidly decided to forgive him, and yes he still didnt take no for an answer many more times and he treat me like a piece of s**t! And i think it was all because he thought i would forgive him for anything after the first time, so my advice to anyone in a relationship like this, GET OUT NOW!!!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Misshelpful United States +, writes (31 August 2008):

Misshelpful agony auntSweetheart you don't have to feel sorry for him or as if you have to forgive him just because he cried and begged. You begged for him to stop and he didn't. So the choice is truly up to you and how you feel in your heart not how much he feels if you leave him so don't let anything change what you think is right.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008):

Relationships are about love and control. Especially sexual ones. Anal wasn't that fun for me either. If you still love him and want to continue a relationship with him let'em know who's boss. Next time he asks lay a guilt trip on him, explain how much it hurt last time, and how if he loved you he wouldn't insist. If that doesn't work you have every right to assert yourself lay down the law just say know. Men can be brutes so if worse comes to worse just walk away. Your body should be worth more to you than he does. I speak from experience.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008):

Oh well. Dont be a pansy, there are worst things that taking the man you love up the ass and enduring 10 minutes of it. Of course you can "end it" with him and move along to the next guy that wants to dedicate his life and work to you, in exchange for the pleasure of your company and your nice conversation.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, AJ jess ^..^ United Kingdom +, writes (6 January 2008):

AJ jess ^..^ agony auntbabe i understand how you feel, sometimes guys can get like this especially as it is to do with sex i suggest you talk about it and tell him it hurt you, im sure he is sorry. Are you sure he knew u were crying and felt so bad? Its how you feel abot whether you love him or not dont give up on him because of this one instance talk abou tit. good luck hun xoxoxo

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, stawberry01 United Kingdom +, writes (6 January 2008):

stawberry01 agony auntYou didnt ask for it do wot you like is best i say finish with him.

All the best

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thanks peoriaman, thats very well said.

he has never done anything to hurt me in the past, our relationship was how i would say perfect before this happened,and hopefully now that we both no how we react in a situation like this, everythin will return to be.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, 4U2NV South Africa +, writes (5 January 2008):

Hi there, from my personal point of view, i think that you should dump him, because that just prOved that he doesn't love you and doesnt care about your feelings, aslong as he get's his pleasur then he is happy. So I think that if you don't end it asap it may get alot more physical, he may end up hitting you next time. So hunny please END it NOW, coz love it's for your own Safty.

I really Hope That I could Help you.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008):

If what you say is true, it would appear he's learned from the experience and won't try it again. However, the moment he asks you to get on your knees and heads for the wrong door - well, you know what you'd need to do . . .

Best of luck in the future.

Phil

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, hello1 United Kingdom +, writes (5 January 2008):

hello1 agony auntI have a feeling you didn't say stop because you knew he wouldn't stop...your posts dont add up, anyway goodluck! It sounds like he has learn his lesson

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

thank you for everyones opinions and helpful suggestions. after much thinkin, i have decided to stay with him. i have no doubt in my mind that he loves me.

in no way do i agree with what he did, but i also dont agree with what i did, i should have said STOP instead of bein so stubburn and expecting him to mind read.

this will never happen again, he has even said to me he never wants to do it again as it has been an unpleasant experience that he doesnt want to repeat, and will never risk our relationship over anything sexual.

thanks again.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (5 January 2008):

TELLULAH agony auntTotally agree with the moderator Phil.

You are making excuses now, for what your boyfriend did to you, so how can anyone help you?.

I'm sure he is sorry, that doesn't mean that he wont want to do it again though.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, NewlyHappySingle United States +, writes (5 January 2008):

Goodness! Yes Leave. Hope you have by now. There is not a single reason in the world why that would be ok. He's NO GOOD!!!!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, lovebebop United Kingdom +, writes (5 January 2008):

lovebebop agony auntDon't let anyone treat you like that again.

You are a beautiful woman - not a piece of meat.

I expect a man could get carried away but when his partener who he 'loves and respects' is crying? I don't think it's possible to trust someone after this, and that's the most important thing.

Goodluck, and love yourself

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2008):

Me and my ex-gf tried it plenty of times even though she did not like it everytime, i have a big fetish for it... but we agreed to the fact that when i tried it if she felt too much pain simply just stop. I have heard people do feel a hell lot of pain at first but some reason keep trying (which tells me usually its for the pleasure of their boyfriends) and they begin to enjoy it themselfs, maybe your boyfriend has heard/read about this and as well as that relating to porn you do see girls in pain when taking it up there so he might be thinking its normal, I have met a girl since my ex who did like it straight up the anal so your boyfriend may have done it before with a girl who likes it.. either way give him another chance it is a tricky subject everybody must admit!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, hello1 United Kingdom +, writes (4 January 2008):

hello1 agony auntEven though you may not have said STOP, you said in your post that

"and he kept asking me if it was hurtin and i kept sayin yes"

That means he knew you were in pain and getting pleasure from it. You know what, if you weren't going to take out advice, why ask? also I think the post title is right, because hey it was rape. Gd luck too you

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2008):

There is some good advice above and you have to decide what to do. What does bother me is that you say you never asked him to stop. Why did you endure it for 10 minutes and not just tell him you wanted him to stop as soon as you weren't enjoying it? It is a beautiful thing to try new things with someone you trust and who trusts you but you should both understand that sometimes you try new things and like it, sometimes you don't and just because you liked it then, doesn't mean you like it today.

You need to be sure you trust him and he needs to be sure he can trust you to be clear about how you feel and what you like.If he is being genuine, he must feel terrible that he has caused you so much pain because you didn't make yourself clear.

BUT if you think he was getting off on the pain he caused you, or if he is trying to persuade you to do things you don't want to do - run for the hills and don't look back.

Blessings and light in the New Year.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2008):

After ten minutes of knowing that he was hurting you he still carried on? What kind of man is that? If I was in his position (and I never would have been) the moment I knew you were in any kind of pain I would have stopped and pulled out immediately. No question about it. He knew you were in pain because you told him it was hurting - for ten minutes! That's a long time of being in pain doing something that you thought should be pleasurable - and was far from it, and he knew it!

I moderated the question.

To my mind what he did was as good as rape, he didn't stop when you were clearly in distress and it's why I gave the question the title that I did. I'm sorry if you found it unjust, but that's the way I saw things when I was moderating your question.

I hope he's more aware of your feelings in future, and knows when to stop.

Phil

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I think the title that was given to this question was a bit harsh. he didnt anally rape me, i agreed to try it, and i didnt say STOP. i expected him to stop once he saw it was hurtin and i was upset, and thats what hurt me that he didnt. his excuse was that it was dark he cudnt see my face and he thought the moanin was me enjoyin it.

hes promised he would never purposely hurt me and when i accused him of enjoyin that fact i was in pain, he seemed disgusted i would think that.

he has said he never wants to do it again, so i hold a little more hope since it was a big thing for him.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, chrissy32789 United States +, writes (4 January 2008):

chrissy32789 agony auntHey hunni, sometimes guys get very out of control and dont relize how bad you are in pain. But is this the first time that he has really hurt you this bad? because if it is maybe you should work it out and tell him i dont like it anal and you really hurt me either you stop when i tell you to stop or we are over. Because my husband did that to me one night and now he knows when i tell him to stop he does. But this is your call sweetie if you want to give him a 2nd chance to fix things then go ahead and see what happens, if he does it again then i wouldnt give him no more chances. And one more thing, if you want to have anal sex one thing that can work is anal-ez that works but thats only if you decide to want to try it again.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Danielepew Mexico + , writes (4 January 2008):

Danielepew agony auntFinish him now. Did you notice he asked whether it was hurting you? That is, not only he didn't care he was hurting; he wanted you to feel pain.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2008):

Listen to the advice that everyone has given you so far...

its all great advice and there's not much I can add to whats already been said...

You know what you have to do, so please put yourself out this misery and just do it!

Best of luck and take care of yourself x

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (4 January 2008):

TELLULAH agony auntI will say one thing Honey.

If this happened to a friend of yours and she asked you what she should do. What would you advise her?.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, hello1 United Kingdom +, writes (4 January 2008):

hello1 agony auntit was hurtin that badly i started cryin and shaking, and he kept asking me if it was hurtin and i kept sayin yes. this went on for about 10 minutes

************************

End it now, he knew you were hurting. Like you said, you were crying and he asked you if it hurt, he was having pleasure in your pain. This man raped you, I don't think I could stick around. How can you trust him? he had no regard to your feelings AT ALL.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, HorseRider United Kingdom +, writes (4 January 2008):

I think you should have a sit down and talk with him and explain how he has made you feel and how it hurt you.

Tell him he made you feel like a toy ect,

Make him understand that if you stay together he cant do anything like that again other wise you will take seriouse action.

Hope it helped x

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Phiezer United Kingdom +, writes (4 January 2008):

Phiezer agony auntWell,

this guy has lost control,if you were in pain and told him so he should have stopped,he didn`t and so he may lose control again.End it now ,keep it simple in youre mind,`he hurt me,so he has to go¬`

Finish it now!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

New answers are blocked to this question

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.046875!