A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have been talking to a guy I really like for about 2 months now. He always texts me first every single day and calls me a lot, and we talk for hours. He has taken me on a couple dates and he says he really likes me, and he compliments me a lot. I feel like I'm getting pretty close to him after spending so much time and talking so much with him. He also plays me love songs on guitar and sings for me a lot. Today I get on Facebook and see he posted something that said "Looking forward, I think it was best for the both of us that we kinda ended things. Before it was (me, her, and the dark side of him), but now i can see she really loves him and i don't wanna get in the way of that. Sucks it had to end over something so petty and juvenile, but life is life i suppose. Its just we spent so much time together, and its like.... what was it all for you know?" I was under the impression that he really liked me and that there wasn't anyone else in the picture really. But that status makes it seem like there is someone else, or maybe he isn't over an ex. He hasn't mentioned any ex or other girl to me and I know he's not talking about me. When I saw it, I got so mad I was seeing red. I know I don't really have the right to get super mad at him over this because we have only been talking for 2 months. But I was really under the impression that he liked me and I feel like he has been leading me on this entire time. If he's not interested in me, then I don't know why he even bothers putting so much effort into me. But I know I can't assume so much over a Facebook status. I was really angry when I saw that...but now I've calmed down a bit. I might be looking too far into it but it sounds like there is either someone else, or an ex that he isn't over, and either way, I don't want to get involved in that mess. Does it sound like I'm being played/led on? Like I said, he talks to me every single day, and now I'm not sure if I should talk to him about what I saw next time he contacts me, or if I should just ignore him altogether and forget about him. Thank you very much
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female
reader, Marilissa75 +, writes (16 March 2014):
 When he contacts you again, ask him about the post. If they were lyrics he wrote, it is a bit silly to put them up there like that. It probably is a girl and he has feelings for her. We all end up with exes eventually and we all have baggage and we all process things differently. If he is vague or evasive or flaky you need to move on and free yourself up to meet someone who is more available. If you like him and he contacts you because he wants female company and you want more than that and he does not, then just cut it off and move on. Good luck to you!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2014): Hey everyone it's the OP, thanks for all your answers they were all really good.
I just wanted to update that he contacted me last night and I brought it up. A few weeks ago, he told me about a girl that he was friends with that used him for his car and so he could buy her alcohol, so he ended the friendship. He said that the status was about that girl and their friendship ending. He also said that he's never actually had a girlfriend before so he doesn't have any exes. I don't really know what to think about all that lol but I thought I would update with what happened
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 March 2014):
 Although I agree that the status must be about the-one-who-got-away, I'd be perhaps less sanguine about it than what some of the Aunts suggest you should be.
I mean, so he was thinking about an ex. You don't have to take it so very personally, and it does not necessarily means he is leading you on.
You just have been talking since a couple of months, gone on just two dates ( he is taking it slow I suppose ). He is showing his interest by initiating contacts, and he seems to enjoy your company and conversation.
Other than that, he has not promised you anything, he has not told you that he loves you or anything romantic, he has not asked you to be his gf. So how has he been leading you on ? If you assume that if a guy plays guitar for you that means he's head over heels- that's on you ; it may also just mean that he plays guitar a lot ( or, as Cerberus would say, that he is the typical wanker brooding guitarist of which there are so many specimens around ).
He also compliments you a lot, calls you a lot... I think he is not telling you lies, he does like you. But, there's a code of courtship, you know ?... You lay it on a bit thick, because that's what gets you the girl and because that's what you are SUPPOSED to do, otherwise how would she know that you see her like more than a nice friend. Think about it, when you get invited for dinner at someone's house and you say : Oh this soup is excellent, this stew is delicious . Well,maybe they are just normal , nice and edible but not stellar. But if you want to stay in the good graces of your guest- and be invited again,- you don't say just " it's edible ", you make a little effort to show appreciation. I would not call it deception or trickery, it's just a social code which is appropriate to the situation. In a courtship situation, what he does, signals " I like you and I am interested in you ". The problem is, that you want it to signal " I am crazy about you, I am so in love that I would not even think about another woman ". And he's not there yet ( and probably should not be after only two months of, basically, shooting the breeze).
As for being over the ex... yes, it would be better and neater if everybody got completely over the past before embarking into something new, but the process is not always so linear. One can have occasional pangs of longing and wistfullness and it does not mean much. I can tell that I am totally over my ex, that I have no curiosity to know his current whereabouts, and that I would not go back to him for all the tea of China, not because he is a bad guy or because I hold grudges ( he isn't, and I don't ), but because my life has become happier and better since then, and I am very content with the status quo. Yet , occasionally, I may see a place where we used to go together, and have a nano-second micropang of wistfulness, not for the person, but who knows, for how I felt, how I was,my emotions of then. It's a thought, a split second, and I know better than fixing it forever on the pages of Facebook to make a fleeting sensation take all another weight and relevance.
Why does he not know better ? Because he is sort of immature, then again , come on, that's hardly surprising in his age range. I think probably he is not still suffering intense post break up pains , he is basically just playing Lord Byron all mysterious and sensitive and brooding and intense :). Just hamming it up a bit for his Facebook audience. Unnerving, annoying ? Immature ? Oh yes- then again that's the kind of guy you like, don't you, with all the love songs and serenades and deep convos...
Summing it up, personally I don't think he is callously using you to move on , or anything like that. He likes you,- only, you are human, and you have an ego, like all of us, and " I like you " is not enough for you. Even if rationally you know that " I like you " is an adequate sentiment for your level of mutual knowledge, deep down you want his attentions to mean much more, you want them to mean : You are the one and only, you are the best, you are the center of my universe and the light of my life etc.- and his FB status takes you down a peg.
Now, of course it's up to you, if for dating a guy you feel he must be passionate about you, he must feel overwhelmed,- well, that's not wrong either, if it works for you. You know what you need . But just because , at this stage, he has thoughts about his past does not necessarily mean that he is making fun of you or using you to get over " her ".
So, I vote for sussing this out, and talking about exes and feelings etc. And then, seeing if his words match his actions. I.e., if this relationship takes up speed and depth and consistency, like, he asks you out more often. ( Don't get me wrong, deep convos for hours sound nice, but ... killing time shooting the breeze from his comfy bed is easy, putting planing, effort and money into spending real one on one time with you may take some doing and that, to me, shows how actually interested a person is ).
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (14 March 2014):
 I agree with YOUWISH
OP you can learn a very important lesson from this event and it's a really good one:
Learn to NOT get involved too deeply with blokes who are not over an ex!!(and for blokes...avoid girls not over their ex's)
It's fine to be friends with them, but forget the romantic stuff unless you see absolute concrete evidence that they are over their past (and I don't just mean because they have said a few romantic words to you and taken you on a few dates)
It is and always has been completely pointless assuming someone thinks of you romantically when they are hankering after their old girlfriend/boyfriend. It just means they have moved on too quickly and are not ready to develop real feelings for anyone else.
Others here have said to confront him but you just know you are going to get the wishy washy bullshit avoidance answer that people in these situations absolutely love. There are very few who would admit the truth.
The best thing you can do is to back off (and really do it) Tell him you suspect he isn't over his ex and that you don't really want to hang around as a 'filler' while he gets over her. Offer friendship (like hanging out in a crowd with others) but no one on one, no late nights or date nights.
I know this sounds tough OP but you are already experiencing the truth of his actions by feeling let down and pushed out, deceived and misled...this ISN'T going to change all the while he is still into her.
Like I said...a painful lesson but a really good one that can save you from getting into this situation again.
(I know you are wondering why he said all that stuff to you...he was trying to make himself feel better, that's all)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 March 2014):
 Yeah, I'm confused. I wondered if it was song lyrics as well, so I did a search, and other than the 2 other advice columns you copied and pasted your question to at the same time you submitted on here, I didn't find anything.
Did he post this in public, or did he message you this on Facebook? If this was in public, he's one of those exhibitionist types and that already irritates me.
He is immature. That's all that matters. A guitar and a faraway stare like he's drank too many lock de-icers don't mean that he's this empathetic dreamboat. If anything, his lines sound stupid.
Don't say anything until he contacts you, and then ask him point blank if he has an ex, why he would take private matters on a public board.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 March 2014):
Yeah, I'm confused. I wondered if it was song lyrics as well, so I did a search, and other than the 2 other advice columns you copied and pasted your question to at the same time you submitted on here, I didn't find anything.
Did he post this in public, or did he message you this on Facebook? If this was in public, he's one of those exhibitionist types and that already irritates me.
He is immature. That's all that matters. A guitar and a faraway stare like he's drank too many lock de-icers don't mean that he's this empathetic dreamboat. If anything, his lines sound stupid.
Don't say anything until he contacts you, and then ask him point blank if he has an ex, why he would take private matters on a public board.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 March 2014):
 LOL @ Cerberus
I love it when you get all jaded! But I actually agree with Cerberus too. I think there is an ex he is pining after who has moved on already. And yea, he wants to sound all deep and dark.. *eye roll*
Yet another Facebook situation... You say you can't assume too much over a status, yet you got REALLY angry. So, you DID assume.
I would, however, ask him about it, before letting the imagination run wild.
Though I DO think your gut is right.
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A
female
reader, Sensible Alice  +, writes (13 March 2014):
 First of all, when I read what he'd written I thought it might be lyrics, seeing as he plays guitar. It's not unusual for people to sometimes even quote lyrics from a song. But the only way you'll know is by asking. You could start by saying nonchalantly, "I read your status the other day, what was that all about?" If it is lyrics then it is possible he wrote them about a past break up, which is where the majority of musicians get their material. He may want to talk about it and then again he may not. Try not to let jealousy spoil what could be a really beautiful relationship. Enjoy the here and now with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2014): Oh and before you think I'm being unfair or unkind to him. I know because I was one too. It works incredibly well, girls are suckers for guys with a guitar who pretends to be deep. Not so much as you get older though, women kind of start to see you're being self-serving douche after a while.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2014): Definitely sounds like an ex he isn't over, OP, or else he's just one of those docuebags who thinks he's deep. Actually the fact he plays guitar to impress you means he's exactly that kind of wanker who thinks he's amazingly deep and "misunderstood".
Look I'm just not a fan of that kind of pretentious asshole the type who likes to show off how "deep" he is by posting "poetic" statuses about love and shite like that, especially ones where he's begging people to tell him to stay strong or pat him on the back for being so understanding.
Obviously you like that kind of guy or you wouldn't be dating him, so just talk to him about what it meant. Don't let him brush it off as lyrics, OP, he put that up there for a reason and he did it in a way you'd definitely see.
You see that's my biggest problem with "deep" people, they purposefully remain cryptic so they can lie about what things mean.
but you're a young woman, deep men are still amazing to you so ignore my opinion on that but just understand he doesn't get a pass on not explaining that and if his explanation sounds a bit off or not very convincing then don't believe it.
My bet he'll explain it away by saying he's finally over her and that he just wanted to get it out there, or he'll be an even bigger wanker and say it was just a random thought about a girl from years ago or something.
Who knows? The guy is "deep" and mysterious afterall. He'll probably just sell you a crock and ease your mind on this. There's nothing to say he doesn't like you, OP, just know with guys like him, he'll probably never love you as much as he loves the idea of himself and ho he sees the world in a way others don't.
For shits and giggles OP go to youtube and type in 'douchebag with a guitar' family guy have it spot on.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 March 2014):
 Just talk to him. You are making assumptions based on very limited data. You've been talking for 2 months, have gone out on dates, he hasn't promised you anything, so relax.
I think people post statuses like that because they actually want the attention to the situation. If they didn't, they could just deal with whatever drama is going on behind the scenes.
"Daniel, I saw your status the other day, the one that seemed to be talking about an ex. You hadn't mentioned anything to me so I was a little surprised to see it. Is everything okay? Are you okay?"
And then sit back and listen, asking followup questions as necessary.
You should not be taking this personally, it was not intended to hurt you and I expect he didn't do a whole lot of thinking about it.
Friends of mine had their FB accounts hacked by their children, who then post really cryptic stuff until the parents' friends figure it out and notify them. Is it possible he was hacked?
Just talk to him, if you like him enough to try to figure things out.
Again, this sounds hard to do, but do not take it personally! Good luck.
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