A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had been seeing a separated man for 2 months. He has been separated for 18 months. He has been very open and honest with me about his difficult divorce he is in the process of. From the start he told me he wasn't sure how much he had to give emotionally, since he has been through a very difficult time, and his ex wife to be is not making things easy for him. I said we could still keep seeing one another and have nice times and he agreed.He opened up to me a lot and said he can tell I mean something to him because of how open he was with me. For the first 2 months we saw each other 1-2 x a week. It was both fun and very lovely and sweet. One night I said something which made him sense I was after more commitment, and he was very open with me, as he had always been, and said he cannot be in a relationship, he can't get involved too deeply. He also made a point of saying that he knows neither of us do casual - something we had talked about before. So for about a month I wasn't sure where we stood. I sent a message to ask him, saying I would be happy to take things slow and see where it lead. The contact , via text, was minimal.I know he has an awful lot going on in his life now, and the latest is that his 10 yr old son now lives with him, which makes seeing him even more challenging.However, we got chatting (flirting) over text the other night and he invited me around to his. His son was fast asleep in the room next door, so we had to be very quiet, it was very fun. I didn't stay long, and yes I realise it was purely physical that particular night, but very fun nonetheless.He wants to meet again when his children are not there, so we have more privacy, which I am up for.I'm not sure if he has non verbally agreed to my original message of seeing how things go? It seems that way. Although we have both always said from the start neither of us wanted anything casual, it did seem very casual - that particular night.I know he can't be in a relationship, and neither of us is into casual, so by agreeing to see each other has he agreed to seeing where things go?I don't want to ask him this outright as I don't want to put pressure on him, and I stand by what I said about taking things slow, given his current circumstance, a slow pace is fine, but I don't want that to be interpreted as casual.Should I see what happens and how much effort he makes to arrange any kind of date?I know for sure that he is genuinely a decent man, but just has a lot going on in his life.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2016): "I know he can't be in a relationship, and neither of us is into casual, so by agreeing to see each other has he agreed to seeing where things go?"No. He has agreed to say just enough to string you along as his piece on the side but not enough to allow you to accuse him of stringing you along as his piece on the side."Should I see what happens and how much effort he makes to arrange any kind of date?"I suggest you stop putting out for him and see how much effort he makes to arrange any kind of date; I suspect not much.When a guy is "separated" and "in the process" of divorce that means he is STILL MARRIED. If I were in your position I'd politely tell him to go away and come back when the divorce is final.
A
male
reader, devont +, writes (26 June 2016):
 I agree with everyone else. He does not want a relationship with you and has explicitly told you this. He has agreed to keep seeing you because he's attracted to you and likes having sex available with virtually no obligation towards you.
Only he knows why he doesn't want to commit to you, but it has nothing to do with his divorce, he's just using that as an excuse. Everyone heals at different rates, but 18 months is a fair amount of time to be separated from someone and if the divorce was really that messy and he was in emotional turmoil as a result... He wouldn't want to see anyone at all for longer than a night.
I imagine he will continue to arrange dates because you are available and he enjoys being with you, for now. But you won't get anything else from him and he definitely sees your arrangement as 'casual'.
I am sure he is indeed a genuinely decent man, but he does not want to commit to you and has been upfront and told you. I wouldn't wait around for him.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2016): Honeypie said it.
LISTEN to what he says (and he says he doesn't want relationship now).
I know you like him and wish things were different but they're NOT.
You can either accept what you have and not hope (or push) for anything more, or walk away.
I am sorry to say this, but when a guy is into you, he's into you. When he wants more, he invests more. He's fine with the way things are and make no mistake, the moment you start really asking for more, he'll walk.
This doesn't make him a bad man and this doesn't mean that he doesn't like you. He just likes you in a certain way.
I've seen both men and women talking about how they're not ready for a relationship (recently divorced, career issues, kids...) and then a second later when they met someone all these reasons went out the window.
This is just to say that if you think that in time he'll be ready, don't get your hopes up.
I've also seen a guy use a woman to get over a divorce and then dump her for another. Why do I use the term "use"? Because unlike your guy, this one lied to her that she meant everything to him and that they had a future together.
Just understand how lucky you are that he's telling you like its is.
So take his word for it.
If you can enjoy what you have and do't get too emotionally involved. Don't expect anything. But call the things what they are. That night you mentioned IS a booty call.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 June 2016):
 Oh he can see where things are going, things are going in the direction of a nice FWB.
He told you that much, you are choosing to give it a different spin.
He CAN'T be in a relationship, he can't make any committment , he can't arrange regular dates, he can't invest emotionally on you, he can't put any reasonable amount of time, effort and energy in this thing you are having.
This is as casual as it gets. I believe that when he says " I don't do casual and I know you don't either " what he is saying is : " I am not a manwhore and I know you are not a slut "- he is talking quantity of partners , not quality of your relationship. MAYBE he is implying that he won't look for other sex partners as long as you put out. But, actually he did not even come out promising sexual exclusivity, so that's just a surmise.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 June 2016):
 I agree with Honeypie, he has told you he "can't" be in a relationship, and by claiming he isn't into casual he is guaranteeing that you two will be sexually exclusive.
He may well be a genuinely decent man, but if you are hoping these random meet ups for sex (dependant on when his children are not around) are going to turn into a full on committed relationship sometime down the track, I don't think its going to happen.
He has already told you he wont be in a relationship or deeply involved. Listen to him, he is telling you where he stands.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (26 June 2016):
 I think *you* have agreed to be his booty call/ FWB or casual sex partner more or less by going over there and "having fun" after the kid was asleep. So while YOU say you and he are not into casual.. that is exactly what you are doing (IMHO)
He has ALREADY told you, in MANY words and phrases that he IS NOT looking to date you or have any serious with you.
So that is where you stand.
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