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Has anyone ever lost their libido to this degree due to boredom and lack of emotional connection and was I selfish for not being a sexually dutiful partner?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 February 2019) 11 Answers - (Newest, 13 February 2019)
A female Australia age 41-50, *ownunder72 writes:

Thank you to anyone who reads and responds to my post.

I recently separated from a 9 year relationship, 4 years living together. I'm not sure if I have done the right thing but what I do know is that I am heart broken knowing I have broken his heart as well as my own.

A bit of background. Im 47 and he is 49. He is a great guy, doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, works hard, good looking, never abusive and always treated my son as his own. As with most relationships, we had our ups and downs, just general silly things that you get through. Our problem was sex and lack of. He has a very high sex drive, while I acknowledge mine a bit less I still enjoyed it, but ended up being zero, I totally lost my mojo. I craved intimacy which I rarely got. No romance, no fun doing things together, he showed little interest in things that mattered to me unlike I did him, I just morphed into the cook, cleaner and full time worker. He just worked and was tired all the time.I just wanted some of his time. Again, bonding for me equals sex, sex for him equal bonding. I even went on two overseas holidays by myself. He never waived from ever saying he loved me it was just not in his actions. The simplest act of affection from me would end up with him wanting sex. I couldnt show affection without having to or feeling pressured to have sex. So I eventually retreated from that because it would cause grief for both. I voiced my concerns over and over, in order to feel sexy and want sex I needed that connection, the spark from lovers that play together, stay together. He voiced his opinion equally that his needs were sex without the need for intimacy. I was just angry that he could not make an effort so we were both getting our needs met.

Over time I became bored, we became bored, sex became a chore for me, which made me resentful, frustrated, disconnected. He became resentful because his needs were not being met. We would talk it out, find a balance where things were better then things slipped back into old ways.

I was emotionally lonely while he was sexually lonely.

I ended up having my ovaries removed, put on weight and had dealt with for a long time, pituitary brain tumour which can effect your libido, researched the Mirena( IUD) which I need due to the tumor, I thought maybe I was going through early stages of menopause. By this stage I was spent, gave up and more angrier at him, myself and felt like a failure, a sexual dud retreating into myself. I let myself believe my physical health was now the cause, it was easier to think there was a legitimate reason for me feeling less of a woman. We both became sad, miserable and sexless. April 2018 was the last time we had it. I felt I was never going to make him sexually happy so I made the painful decision to let him and us go to find someone to fulfil his sexual needs. But here is the thing.

A month has passed, he had mail to collect from the house. We chatted like old friends, shed a few tears between us, a lot actually. During our conversation he spoke of how he was going out here and there socially with his mates, planning to do this and that. Although I was happy to see him happy, I was so sad and asked why he could do this NOW and not during our relationship. “ I know I should have, I know my mistakes” his response. I wanted fun times, memories and that fun loving partner. What confused me more was I found him so sexy and could have jumped his bones right there and then. Hello sex drive…nice to see you again!

So my question to you fine ladies and gents is has anyone ever lost their libido to this degree due to boredom and lack of emotional connection and was I selfish for not being a sexually dutiful partner ?

View related questions: drugs, libido, sex drive, spark

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2019):

I see a lot of negative responses to your questions. And from what you have wrote it looks like he was also bored with the sexual activity or lack of it between the two of you. You also state that he was a very hard worker and always tired. This could have contributed to some of his lack of affection. I believe you could be dutiful if he was dutiful in his affection towards you.In a relationship two people need to state what they won't from each other. It's clear you still love this man very much. None of us here know the full story of how the relationship deteriated. And with out his side of the story we can only guess. No one here can tell you if you made the right decision or not. Only you will know that in time. But what I can say is you need to stop listening to everyone around you and sit quietly to listen to your heart.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2019):

He's attractive hard working and great with your son. Hes not that affectionate. You've lost your libido. He's got a high sex drive. He's waited 8 or 9 months with no sex and still stuck by you. After a month of not seeing him you wanted to jump his bones. This is easy. Now Picture him kissing another woman. If you don't like this picture grab him with both arms and show him you want him. Sorry to say this but if you don't some other woman is going to snap him up fast ..

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (11 February 2019):

chigirl agony auntI think society puts relationships on a too high pedestal. As a woman with a job on her own and means to pay her own bills, you do not need a relationship in order to survive. Relationships are then not something you should feel obligated to be in, as long as he doesnt hit you or is an alcoholic. Relationships are instead a perk, something you enter when you want to, because you enjoy it.

If after 9 years you stopped enjoying it, then I dont see why you should be sad at all. Its good news. You had 9 years of mostly happiness and enjoyment. But then it stopped being fun, and you had the intelligence to break it off. Why be in a relationship if it doesnt do anything for you? You didnt get the intimacy you graved, and he didnt get the sex he craved. No shame is saying "thanks for the ride, but here is my stop".

And look at what happened! He became an active man, and you found your libido again.

I think instead of being live in partners, you and him ought to just be lovers instead and meet only occasionally, rather than every day for years. I mean why would you live together unless you absolutely have to because of Financial reasons? You're old enough to not be at the stage where you start a Family, and old enough to know what you need and dont need in a relationship. You also already tried living together and know it killed the romance.

I say stop thinking the institution of a relationship and living together is the right fit for everyone. It isn't. I believe you and him will both be happy living separately and only meeting on occasion to go on dates and have great sex. You can of course be exclusive even so.

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A female reader, ClairM United Kingdom + , writes (10 February 2019):

Any man with half a brain knows that a woman needs the emotional connection and not just sex.

Life does sometimes get in the way and sometimes i have just had sex so that in my mind i met my mans needs but in general i would expect the going out on a date, the cuddles, the emotional talking and foreplay when the time permitted. There are NO excuses for a man not to do that for the woman he loves.

It is sad that your boyfriend would not understand that and at the moment it is too little too late. Even if you both had a second chance together if he is so sure that he does not need those things to meet you in the middle he would most probably go back to just as he was.

So it seems from the outside that this relationship can't work and you gave it a good shot and gave him ample opportunities to consider your needs.

I wish you all the best and i am sorry it came to you splitting up, you clearly think a lot of him and vice versa but unless he is willing to make massive changes it will no doubt go back to how it was...

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (10 February 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntIf only men could/would learn that, generally speaking, men need sex to feel loved whereas women need to feel loved to want sex. Not surprisingly, you didn't feel loved, hence the loss of libido.

Find a man who loves you and makes time for you (including being affectionate without expecting sex) and things will change. A relationship is NOT just about what goes on between the sheets.

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A female reader, downunder72 Australia +, writes (10 February 2019):

downunder72 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you ladies for your thoughts. I appreciate your time and effort. I know Im just grieving for a love gone wrong, when it had potential and thats just part of the process. A little jealous too if I am to be honest of his freedom and knowing his and our mistakes will make for a better partner for someone else.

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A male reader, Pepi let pew Australia +, writes (9 February 2019):

Well there is a lot going on here.. First I'd like to say you were not selfish you suffered some serious health issues over the period of your relationship. I can also see he was not selfish either or he would have ran away a long time ago. For all its faults there was a lot of love in this relationship. Honey the truth is a man does not hang around when the sex dies. This shows me that he loved you very much. It seems like the two of you could not understand how to work through your issues and became frustrated with each other. I would like to ask if you seeked out any help counseling..? Miss matched labido is a common problem with couple's and most couple's tend to work through a compromise. You said you have recently seperated and you are heartbroken because you have broken his heart as well. This tells me the both of you love each other very much. You are now confused and are unsure if you did the right thing.? I can see communication has also been a problem in the relationship. My suggestion is you both sit down and talk things through. Only then can you really know if you have made the right decision for the two of you.

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A female reader, jls022 United Kingdom + , writes (9 February 2019):

I was in a very similar situation with my ex boyfriend, and in my opinion you did exactly the right thing.

I lost my libido because, like you, my ex was only interested in meeting his own needs and not mine. However, I’m the type of person that actively tries to keep my partner happy (which it sounds like you are too or else you wouldn’t be worried about this). This, paired with the fact I kept hearing people say that it’s unfair to deprive someone of sex in a monogamous relationship, meant I kept having sex with him to try to keep him happy.

And do you know what happened? He continued to take the sex, despite knowing I wasn’t getting anything out of it, and kept ignoring my needs. Because I let it happen. In the end, I had enough and ended the relationship, but by that point sex had become such a chore that I couldn’t even think about having it with anyone for the best part of 3 years. I felt used and out of control of my own body, to the extent I genuinely thought I’d broken my sex drive permanently, but to my great relief it eventually came back and I’m just starting to get back into the dating scene.

Now I would say to anyone in the same position - NEVER compromise your own needs for someone else long term. By that I don’t mean you should never have sex when you’re not 100% in the mood in an otherwise healthy relationship, rather never let someone ignore your needs while expecting you to consistently meet theirs as it leads to resentment at best and psychological damage at worst.

So OP, please stay strong in the knowledge that you tried your best to make it work, but when he refused to meet you in the middle you walked away. If I’d have had the courage to do the same I’d have saved myself a whole lot of trouble.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2019):

I think your sex drive came back because he was finally treating you how you had wanted to be treated during your relationship. As a friend, (as well as a lover), as someone to talk intimately with and share feelings.

But during your relationship it doesn't sound as if he was willing to treat you this way. It sounds as if all he cared about were his feelings and needs and expected you to attend to those, whilst he ignored yours.

Sad, absolutely, but I believe that he is at fault for the breakdown of this relationship. If he wanted sex without intimacy, that was as good as treating you like a blow up doll!

Wham bam and thank you mam. He needs a prostitute. No-one in a loving relationship will put up with that unless it's what works for both parties.

I don't think he could have cared that much if he couldn't see his way clear to giving some time and closeness to the relationship, so I wouldn't care too much about breaking his heart.

Thinking about it, this sounds a little like my ex husband and me. We were together for about the same amount of time as you and your boyfriend. We had been friends for years and years previous to getting together. He worked shifts and we spent very little time together. We never went away together or even out for a meal. He just wanted to watch the tele and sleep.

I fell for someone else and I decided to tell him that I had and that we needed to make the relationship stronger and do things together because I had started fancying other men. We planned to do things but he really couldn't be bothered, didn't want to spend the money and when I did finally say I wanted to leave, he cried buckets.

So if he cared, why didn't he make the effort when he had the chance? Something I will never know, but I felt really bad about leaving, so much so, I left the majority of everything in the house, so his life wasn't upset too much and also waited for eighteen months before I actually left, so that he would have a pay rise and be able to afford to buy me out of the house because I felt so guilty.

But reading your post and my answer to it, makes me realise ….why do we put all the blame on ourselves?

Your boyfriend had the chance to do something that is very ordinary in a relationship and something that is expected and that was to RELATE to you. To be close and special to each other. But he didn't. He preferred it all his way. There has to be compromise and give and take in every relationship and it doesn't sound as if there was any where your boyfriend was concerned.

So....his loss. I'm sorry for your heartbreak, but try not to bear the burden of his sadness too. Because the ball was in his court, he just couldn't be bothered to pick it up.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2019):

It's easy to lose your sex drive due to no emotional connection. For women especially and that's what men don't realize. In the early stages, lust and dopamine can sustain the sex but eventually that stage is over. And sex does require an emotional component to sustain it long term. Most people need intimacy or sex becomes boring and mechanical. You gave him chances to change. Sadly, it took the end of a 9 year relationship for him to do that.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (9 February 2019):

CindyCares agony aunt I think it happens to a lot of people, and I think ,if any, the selfish one was your ex !

Looking back at the past is often an exercise in futility because somehow it gets filtered through rose-tinted glasses and selective memory ( you recall only the good moments, conveniently erasing the bad ones ,even if they were more and mattered more ), so that the old times become automatically " the good old times " even if de facto they were just so-so times or even bad times.

You said it yourself: no affection, no verbal aknowledgement, no fun, no shared interests ,hobbies and passions, no emotional intimacy. So, - cooking, cleaning, working ( and contributing financially , I guess ) and sex on his request for, basically, " hygienical " reasons ; I have to ask you ( and any other woman in your not so unusual situation ): then what's in it for you ? Why would you even bother having a companion who offers no company, why would you even bother living with a man ?...

Might as well do you our thing, and just resort to casual encounters, NSA things for the random times when your

" mojo " shows up and calls irresistibly… Or, if you have mental / moral preclusions to casual sex, - just choose masturbation. True, your emotional needs would still be unmet- but, hey , at least you wouldn't have to clean, cook, work and generally invest time, money and energy for anybody but yourself !

Moreover, while most probably your physical problems weren't the sole cause of your lack of libido, I feel that he ( or maybe both of you ) have sort of easily dismissed them . If he were a good dancer, and you had broken your legs, he would not have, I suppose, pushed you to be selfless, and considerate of his dancing needs , and dragged you to the ballroom before your complete healing !

Have no regrets . You are you- and you know what you need- don't deny it for the sake of " being nice " or " getting along " or keeping the peace etc. etc.

Maybe, other women would be OK in your situation, and would feel no special need for emotional connection , and

would feel that passionless, romanceless sex is but a small price to pay in exchange for stability and security with a good man who works hard and has no addictions. Fine- so what ? Everybody is different and makes different choices in love and relationships. Not necessarily their choice would be good for you too.

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