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Happily married but feeling terrified out of my wits as my pregnancy has been confirmed. Need advice, please?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Health, Pregnancy, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 March 2016) 3 Answers - (Newest, 1 April 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Thank you all for taking the time to read my question. I know I'm going to be severely judged for posting this but please bear with me.

I got married about 8 months ago to a wonderful man. I'm 33 and he's almost 40. He is the best husband and friend that I could have asked for.

We enjoyed our new life and I loved setting up a new home.

All was good until I found out last week that I was pregnant!

I have a family history of infertility and I'm already 33. Yes we were having unprotected sex but neither of us thought that this could happen this early. When I went for my regular check-up to the gynaecologist a few months back, she wanted me to have all my tests done just so that we could hurry with the baby-making process. I didn't undertake the tests because I was in no hurry and also maybe somewhere down the line I always thought I couldn't have a baby.

Now here I am, 5 weeks pregnant. You'd think I'd be happy.

Truth is, I'm terrified, horrified and absolutely scared to bits.

I've never been a maternal person and I never really wanted kids. Once I got married, I did briefly consider the idea of getting pregnant and always thought that I would be happy if I was. Turns out, I'm not.

What makes it even worse is that my husband is elated, my parents are over the moon and my in-laws couldn't be happier.

I'm supposed to be the proud and happy, glowing mom-to-be, and here I am, wishing I wasn't.

There is so much pressure on pregnant women to be happy and I cant keep up the facade any longer.

I feel like a terrible person. I stay in bed most of the time, just crying... Crying for what iv gotten myself into, crying for a life what I'll never get back. I was supposed to go to Mexico for work and I was so excited and now I can't, because I'll be heavily pregnant.

I used to love travelling alone, lying under the stars, meeting new people, doing everything on my own. And now, I feel I'm trapped. I used to be such a happy person and now when I walk into my own house, it's like walking into a house where someone has died. There are times I feel I cant breathe.

I feel I wont love the child, I'm scared of being a terrible mother and I'm terrified of being trapped in a life that I can't get out of. Both I and my husband have good jobs so money is not an issue and my parents are there to help but I'm still mortified about other things. All my life I've run from commitment... Jobs that got difficult, relationships... And here I am now, responsible for a life that's inside of me.

I'm terrified that morning sickness will hit me any day now and I've almost stopped eating altogether in that fear. Nothing's happening to me yet but I keep thinking it will and that's making things worse. I'm also prone to migraines so all this crying and over-thinking is taking its toll on me.

I'm barely able to sleep. I woke up this morning and started howling and my poor husband had to console and explain everything to me all over again. That how lucky we are to be blessed with a baby, how we didn't need medical intention, how the baby is going to be such a blessing in all our lives.

What is wrong with me? Why am I not happy? If I'd known that my reaction to pregnancy would be this negative, I'd never have gotten pregnant.

There are times when I seriously consider abortion. I'll never have a baby again that's for sure. Should I go for it? I don't think I can endure these 9 months in this agony.

View related questions: abortion, money, trapped, unprotected sex

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2016):

You need to go and speak to your doctor, your hormones will be all over the place and half of these feelings are probably linked to all of that. You can't go through feeling all of that alone, start talking to your husband about your worries etc... just because your having a baby your life doesn't stop. There are women who go and fight in wars who have children at home. A child doesn't stop you following career paths and options. Write things down if it helps you think rationally, you don't need to panic about it all. Please start sharing some of your worries with your husband and if your still feel so panic stricken and continue not to eat out of a fear of morning sickness then get to your doctor.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (31 March 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntI think you need to talk to your husband about how you feel? You do have options but you do need to remember that this baby is also his, a baby that you both made. So therefore you both need to talk about this? If abortion is in your mind, you need to tell him, you both might need to talk to a professional so you can both understand each other. Because I fear if you don't it may very well tear your marriage apart.

Yes motherhood is hard, and it is rewarding. Some people want children and some don't. But these are all things you both should have spoke about before entering a marriage. I can see that you may have thought about children for a while, and maybe that will come back. But you need to get some professional help. There is plenty out there. However I think maybe instead of abortion you could look at adoption as an option, as I have a feeling once your child is born you may actually feel love and change your mind, and if you don't well some couple will love your child the way that they deserve. Remember include your husband in all off this and talk to him, also you need to confess about not eating, as this is very dangerous for the little life inside you as essentially you are starving them from food.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (31 March 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt You are not obliged to be a proud and happy pregnant woman, but you should try hard to stay a rationally thinking one :)

For instance : why can't you go to Mexico ? Mexico is full of pregnant ladies :) Pregnant women can fly until 36 weeks.

- If you were supposed to be there during your last month of pregnancy , yeah, tough luck. But Mexico is not going anywhere, you can go there WITH your child. My son grew up in LA and I took him in vacation to Baja California the first time when he was maybe 13 months, then in Ixtapa when he was 4 y.o. No problems.

- Your life will have limitations, that's for sure, but many of them are limitations that you embraced by getting married,- not by having a child.

You are married, will you still always be traveling alone ?.. Laying on the beach under the stars, alone ? ,

( or,even better, with charming sexy locals :) ? ) Doing anything and everything on your own , according only to your own insindacables tastes whims and schedules ?...

What about your husband in all this ? ..Did you get married to keep living as a single woman ? ... Somehow, I don't think so. I think that by getting married itself you have accepted the possibility, in fact the reality, of changes in your lifestyle. A child would entail more changes, maybe,- but the most effort is done already : that of learning to function as a team ( you and hubby ) , not as a free agent. May be a team of 3 is a bit more complicated to manage practically, - but emotionally and psychologically is the same, once you get into that frame of mind.

I am not tryng to make you change your mind, because I do not think that " a childless life has no meaning " ; nor that having a lousy mother is better that not having a mother at all, or not being born.

All I am saying is that you can't say " Crikey, now that I have a baby I won't be able to go lion hunting in Kenya and living in a mud hut in the Masai reservation ". Because chances are that , unless your husband too loves sleeping rough, you would not go anyway.

Another thing that may be food for thought, perhaps, is that everybody always thinks in terms of " having a baby " or " a child "...and nobody thinks that instead you are having a son or daughter that very soon will be an ADULT. The baby or child stage is, all in all, short , and, as annoying as it is for non-maternal women- time flies and then you are the parent of an adult. Someone like you, your equal, someone you can even respect, admire, or look up to. Someone who, regardless of love, which hopefully is there anyway, can be your friend, your companion, your comfort, your rock, your advisor ...Well, of course they can be your nemesis too, I know people whose drug addict kids beat them up and robbed them blind. But life is always a gamble- there's no security. Every act of love is an act of blind faith too.

I am saying this because , without reaching your level, tbh, I was not a very maternal person too. I wanted to get pregnant because I wanted to have a family, not just a husband, and I realized that for having that first you start with making a baby, but honestly I don't like babies nor children. I had a bad pregnancy and I hated every minute of it. I also did not particularly like wiping asses or being kept awake all night by a colicky baby. I embraced the committment of raising this kid the best that I could, and I did everything that I was supposed to do : playdates , school plays , birthday parties and zoo trips and Disney movies and reading stories aloud and... you name it. The works. But , yes, honestly, it was an effort . An effort of love, an effort that I was glad to do , but honestly, not my cup of tea . The first time that my barely teen son, who so far had been a sweet, adorable kid,

" talked back " and said something snarky in typical teen mode, - I secretly fist-pumped YESSS ! It's over ! No more Barney the Dinosaur and hokey-pokey and Power Rangers and Ninja Turtles and whatnot : we are finally all grown ups around here !

In short, I loved my son because he was HE, not because he was a child. I am NOT a natural nurturer.I am not very motherly. I hate noises and mess and sticky fingers. I am not a children type.

But, -they do not STAY children forever. My son is 26 now, and I don't know, ... I am so happy he is here. I am so happy I MADE him, a bit against my natural inclinations. He is not so adorable and sweet anymore, he has a difficult personality, we get along ...intermittently . And yet, I feel so lucky, so blessed that I KNOW him. ( I could not have known him if I had not conceived him- duh ). Not because he is any big success socially or financially, in fact, from that point of view, it's still all a work in progress .

But, I don't know, he is so cool. Stupid stuff that just make my heart sing. His dry, British sense of humour. The uncanny way he can do a perfect Aussie accent or Irish accent without ever having set foot in those countries. The way his huge big thick hands become super nimble and delicate handling animals, plants or sick and older people. The way he just can't see uglyness, in anybody. Show him the Elephant Man , and he will say " He's got very intelligent eyes, though. He's a type ".

What 's this got to do with your baby, you'll say; well . I guess what I am tryng to say that you are very focused on the process of making a baby and getting a big belly and having morning sickness and all that, ..and having to cut back on work or leasure because of a little needy fragile demanding newcomer.... which is true of course.- but this is a phase. Look at the big picture. You are making a PERSON, not a baby. Someone unique, who will have his/her own very special talents and gifts to share with rest of the world, and with YOU. Someone who could make the best difference ever in your life.

Of course , to see it this way, one has to be a bit of a risk taker, and un unrepentant optimist. But what's the point of being pessimists ? If shit has to happen, it happens anyway, only you have been miserable, biting your nails and laying awake at night, also BEFORE it happened.

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