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Had an affair with a married man and now I cant stop thinking about him!

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 March 2010) 5 Answers - (Newest, 5 March 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Will I ever win my ex back? Its very complicated and sorry but a bit long!

I had a bit of a fling with a guy I'd known for a while last summer, it only lasted 2 mths and he had seperated from his wife. After the fling ended he went home to try again with his wife. Fair enough I was ok with that. A few weeks after he went home he text me asking how I was and we met up. We began meeting up around 5 times a week and started a relationship again but this time it was very serious (I know it was wrong to get involved with a married man but his marriage was doomed well before I met him, anyway i'll carry on). After 6 months of a fantastic relationship we fell in love and he left his wife. He told me how good we would be and that he would love to marry me one day. We never started a physical relationship until he left home. However, a few weeks after he moved out he changed, he became moody and not as affectionate as he used to be, and stopped sleeping with me. He just said he was tired all the time and was moody because of his home problems such as getting a divorce etc. He said he needed some space to get through his problems but that he was very much in love with me and we were very much still together. A few days later we had a big fight over nothing major just something silly, and he decided it was over. He told me he didn't love me anymore. I was devastated and I still am. I told him I felt used and that he used me to get out of a doomed marriage, he said it wasn't the case and that if I hadn't acted like such a fool when we had a fight we wouldn't be in this situation. What I'm finding it hard to believe is how he can blame me? Is he just using the fight as an excuse? I'm so confused at the moment. I can't make contact with him at the moment as his mother in law has just become critically ill and could pass anyday so he has asked I leave him alone for now which I understand. However, he's now told me he's living between his flat and the home he shared with his wife, he's adamant they aren't getting back together and that he is just doing the right thing to support his wife through this bad time.

I'm just confused, i've come up with two conclusions but may be totally away from the truth.

1. He never loved me at all


2. He still loves me but tells me he doesn't because he doesn't want me making contact as he has other things to deal with and so is keeping his distance and having his space for obvious reasons

I'd love to believe its the latter but I need advice. I'd love to think we'd have another chance in the future, every time I've had a chance to talk to him I've mentioned this and he just changes the subject? I love him very much and don't want to be without him at all, I'm totally heartbroken. My head is saying he never loved me and he'll get back with his wife but my heart is saying different. I need to know if I should hold out for him or move on. I can't stop thinking about him and its killing me!

View related questions: affair, divorce, fell in love, heartbroken, married man, move on, moved out, my ex, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010):

i can't judge him and say that he only used you. because as you said, you've been together. only you who can define it. love always express it feelings, so i think you feel it to urself if his love does'nt real. now on your situation, it's hard to hold on if you don't know where to hold. talk to him and ask him to finalize your situation.

if he tell you that he does'nt love you, then give his freedom and ask for your freedom too. life is full of surprises, full of choices. but always remember that god won't put you on the situation you can never pass. it's not easy to let go of the person you love so much but if it's the only way for you and for him to realize how you need and love each other, do it!. everything happens for a reason.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010):

He's not your ex, he's his wife's ex. You were just a fling, like you said, and rightfully so, since you knew he still hadn't completely closed the last chapter in his life, yet you felt it necessary to swoop in on him when he was acting irrationally due to the current situation he was in. He told you he doesn't love you anymore because he never did love you, he used you.. Now that he's decided his wife that you say was 'doomed to be with' is worth going back to, over you, maybe that will help you stop thinking about him, since he obviously wants to make things work with her, like he told you, which translated means he wants nothing to do with you, until maybe the next temporary split or argument with his wife.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010):

Short answer: he is married. i think that is enough isn't it. instead of grovelling, and waiting for him to finally leave his wife and come back to his mistress (YOU) i think you need to be realistic. One thing you need to be aware of: his marriage was not doomed. he moved out becuase he was having an affair with you. Look at your option 1 . this fact is staring you in the face but you refuse to acknowledge and admit it.

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A female reader, Lucky786 United Kingdom +, writes (4 March 2010):

Lucky786 agony auntSorry but I think first he used you to get out of his failing marriage then he used your petty argument as an excuse to get out of your relationship.

If he truly loved you, he would want you by his side at this difficult time.

He strikes me as a pretty selfish man as I think he is keeping his options very much open at the moment by saying you are both still together when you aren't. He is obviously trying to mend bridges with his wife by being so caring about his mother-in-law. If that doesn't work, he will come back to you. Don't wait around for him to make a decision, make it for him...walk away now and learn from this experience.

Good luck.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (4 March 2010):

I'm sad to say it's option 1. When a man is married, he is off limits for this very reason. You got involved while he was married, whether the marriage was doomed or not, and simply put he was using you to get away from reality. Married men very rarely leave their wives in first place, and when they do it is nearly never for the mistress (which is what you were, even of not physical). Many women have got involved with married men, and have been left in the same situation as you. You're not the first, you won't be the last. But I hope you have leant something, even if it has hurt you. Don't trust the words of a married man. Move on from this man.

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