A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HELP!!!!This guy friend has a girlfriend. BUT he keeps trying to string me along!!! I told him I have feelings for him. He told me he has a girlfriend. So that should be the end of it, right?NO!!!! He just keeps giving me hope and then he takes it away. It is a constant rollercoaster ride. I just don't know what to do. I have tried to stay away. I have tried to be just friends. It seems when I pull away, he gets upset and tries to pull me back in.If he has a girlfriend he cares about so much, why is he trying to keep me on the side???I JUST DON'T GET MEN!!!!!What should I do??? I don't want to be some guy's puppet. I have more self respect than that. I am an attractive woman who has a lot going for her. Don't need scraps from anyone else.Problem is I have strong feelings for him and he keeps leading me to believe he has feelings for me but he never asks me out and never moves forward. But sometimes I think he is about to. What a mess.Why does he do this to me? If he knows I like him and he has a girlfriend, should he not just leave me alone and focus on her and her only?Any advice would help!!!
View related questions:
has a girlfriend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, jjbsm +, writes (2 September 2012):
Whenever you find that you have a connection/attraction with a member of the opposite sex and they go out of their way to meet you and start communicating with you, It's always a good idea to ask if they have a girlfriend/boyfriend when the relationship is not progressing in any way. Hopefully they will be honest with you, and you will know whether or not you want to invest any more emotional thoughts towards them. It gives you the power, as to if, or if not you decide to have any further involvement with them.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012): It's not strange. He doesn't mention her to you because if he did he knows that it would upset you/make you angry and he wouldn't be able to string you along anymore.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2012): Thank you guys for your opinions.
But I have to clear up the fact that when I told him I liked him I had no idea he had a girlfriend. He kept happily flirting away with me without ever mentioning her and he probably never would have if I never told him how I felt. We had been friends for a year and he only told me he had a girlfriend when I told him about my feelings. He also told me how much he cared for me and missed me when I wasn't around!
I was friends with him long before she came into the picture. He led me to believe he was into me. So, you can see why it hurts me even more that he decided to be with her instead.
Even since he told me, he never ever mentions her. If I ask him what they did on a weekend, he says he did nothing but never mentions her or we. He never talks about her. It is as if she does not exist! This is the truth.
I thought when you are in a new relationship, it is supposed to be wonderful and exciting...probably the best time of a relationship...and you want to show the girl off and talk about her etc.
I find it odd that it's a new relationship and he is hiding her and being very secretive about the whole thing around me!! Very strange.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 June 2012):
 he does it because you allow it.
You are giving him all the power..
why does he doe it? BECAUSE he can.
and the reason he can is because you like him and if his gf broke up with him you would jump on him in a heartbeat. but then you would be here posting that your bf has a lady friend that he's close to and it bugs you and you don't trust him (and rightfully so)
this guy is BAD news... he's emotionally cheating on his gf with you because YOU ALLOW IT.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (8 June 2012):
 Sometimes I think women are their own worst enemy!!
You are allowing this to happen to yourself.
You know he has a girlfriend, you know he is playing with you. You know you are enjoying the scraps of attention he gives you.
You could make it stop right now...but you probably won't because you will fool yourself that he's going to change, dump her and fall madly in love with you...
Every aunt here will tell you it's going to end in tears...because that is the truth.
Cut the contact...move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (8 June 2012):
 As soon as he told you he had a girlfriend you should have backed off and certainly you should not have told him you have feelings for him. He's behaving badly but as far as I can see, so are you. You said "he keeps giving me hope". I'd say get a grip on your bigself and leave him alone. You are certainly old enough to know better.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (8 June 2012):
 Right now, you are being his puppet.
The sooner that you cut contact, that's when you're nobody's puppet.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 June 2012):
 He's doing it to you because you're allowing him to. Stop giving him any importance and he'll back away and find someone else. Don't try to be "just friends" or anything, that's not possible with water under the bridge. Now that he knows that you have feelings for him, he will always (unfortunately) use that against you to manipulate you and enjoy the attention that he gets from you. He's not a friend, he's a vicious man who's looking to cheat on his G/f and trying to string you along too. That's not what a decent person would ever do. You're giving him the power, you're allowing yourself to be strung along and then you're feeling bad about it
Cut him out of your life, block him and dont let him use you. Don't fall for his words, they don't mean anything. He might try every trick in the book to get you back to string you along, but you have to be strong and behave like he doesnt exist for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, jewlstep4174 +, writes (8 June 2012):
 Unfortunately men can be cruel sometimes and they dont realize the effect they can have on someone cause they dont ever let themselves be vulnerable. he keeps you around as a back up which is not right and its you that needs to end that and tell him when enough is enough. If he has a girlfriend it just isnt right for him to even be talking or with you at all. Its just really messed up cause he is cheating on his girlfriend which means even if he ends it with this other girl and chooses you , he's just gonna do the same thing eventually with you. Its just an endless cycle of madness I should say and you have the power to end it , you just need to do it , no matter how hard it is . respect yourself and know you deserve so much better!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 June 2012):
 Stop talking to him. Stop being around him. Drop him like it's hot!
He is a WASTE of time.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 June 2012):
 Don't laugh, but this guy is a vampire.
Not in the traditional sense, or even in the Twilight sense. Instead of sucking blood from you, he's sucking your dignity and attentions from you. What he is feeding is his ego.
He knows you like him, and it strokes his ego to know you're into him. He keeps you hanging on, yet doesn't care for you because he has his girlfriend.
One good rule of thumb is that you can never be "just friends" with someone who you have feelings for or who has feelings for you. Then it turns into one person getting hurt over and over and hanging on for more. It's a humiliating position you're in, and to stay there is simply masochistic.
You need to consider him not available, cut all ties, allow yourself to get over pining for him, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, allow yourself the ability to fall for someone else. As long as you're pining for this guy and he's vampiring off of you, your heart might as well have a huge barbed wire fence around it to keep any other guy away from you.
Think about it. Time is so much more important than money because it can never be replaced or replenished. And it's marching on, and he's sucking that time away from you. You must stop feeding his ego. Avoid all contact with him. If it's unavoidable that you must interact with him, you must go ICE COLD. This means that the Comcast business voice mail system has more warmth than you do towards him.
I'll warn you....when you do that, he's going to try to pour on the charm to keep you back where you are. Your initial reaction is to hope he'll start missing you. It's a game. If he starts with the "Where have you been, I miss you, what's wrong etc.", tell him directly that you can't talk to him anymore since he has a girlfriend and it's not fair to you. Then mean it. After that, drop him from your text, email, Facebook. Resist all urges to "check up" on him. You have to starve the limerence....the desire for him.
Luckily, it can be done. You can fill that void with other things and eventually, he'll be a memory of the time you threw yourself at someone who didn't reciprocate. Then it's broken and you can turn your attention toward someone who deserves it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012): I understand you have feelings for him but if you know he's just stringing you along, why are you putting up with it?The only reason he tries to pull you back in is because his ego can't take rejection and you're a great ego boost for him. He doesn't want to be with you he just likes having you there in his back pocket for when him and the girlfriend have an argument or he's feeling insecure.You have two choices: 1) Carry on having around, hoping that ONE day a miracle will happen, the heavens will open and he'll suddenly stop messing you around, dump her and be with you (HIGHLY unlikely)or2) You tell him that you're worth more than being a fallback when he's bored/needs an ego boost/attention. I've been in a similar situation before and i can tell you from experience that he will NOT change, he will NOT choose you and you WILL be wasting your life/time waiting for something that is NEVER going to happen.Please see sense, find your backbone and tell him to take a hike because i can guarantee that he'll keep on playing these stupid games for as long as you let him.Lastly, do you really want somebody who has no morals and treats their girlfriend like that? Why does he do it? He does it because he knows you'll always be there and roll yourself out like a doormat whenever he wants.Every time you tell him you've had enough he knows that, eventually, you'll come back because you always do. The first time you kicked up a fuss he was probably worried, maybe even the second time too but after a while he's realised that actually you're all talk and probably like a bit of drama but you won't actually leave because you're STILL there.All you're saying to him is I DON'T VALUE OR LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH. This guy, more thank likely, secretly thinks you're a bit desperate. I'm not trying to be harsh but look at it from his perspective. If you had a boyfriend and another guy kept hanging around you even though you were in a relationship, would you respect him or would you think he was a bit desperate/pathetic?It's time to take those rose tinted glasses off and tell him to take a hike because if you don't you'll be stuck on that merry go round forever. He'll be getting on with his life, with his girlfriend and you'll still be alone.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 June 2012):
What happened to the strong woman who is attractive and has a lot going for her???
Because, at the moment, you aren't that woman. You're a woman who is allowing herself to be fooled by a guy with a girlfriend.
You know he has a girlfriend, and it's more than clear he couldn't give a damn about you. Yet, you continue with contact, and you allow him to do this to you.
Change email, change phone number, cut him out of your life ad find the strong woman again.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (7 June 2012):
 Quite simply because some men (and women) enjoy playing games, they enjoy having someone on the side to keep them entertained when things get a bit boring with the girlfriend back at home. He will never leave his girlfriend and has no intention of doing so, he just enjoys the attention from you.
You made the fatal error of telling him you had feelings for him - he knows you like him and that makes him feel good. So why would he want that good feeling to go away, when he knows how easy it is to play you?
He knows that all you need is for him to give you a hint that he might be with you soon, and that keeps you hanging on. It is all lies, nothing that comes out of his mouth is real and he is making a mockery of you.
And at the end of the day, even if he did for example take things further with you, he would then be cheating on his girlfriend. Do you really want a serious relationship with a cheat? Do you really want to start a relationship in such a messy, hurtful way? You know he is capable of messing around behind his girlfriend's back, he is already playing games with you - so chances are he would do the exact same to you if you did get together, when he is bored and fancies some female attention.
What should you do now? Delete his number, tell him never to contact you again and move on. Find a single man who is available and wont play games.
Not all men are jerks like this one, there are nice guys who dont play games and will want to be with you. However there are liars and cheats, and that is exactly what you have on your hands at the moment. You can do better than him, dont waste your time on someone like this.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, adamskidude +, writes (7 June 2012):
 Sounds like he's on a power trip, he feels like he's losing his manhood by settling down with one woman so he's using you as a way of proving to himself that "he's still got it". Ignore him and tell him where to go, if you know what I mean.
...............................
|
