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Future mother in law seems to have won and talked my fiance into putting off our wedding. I'm pregnant and not happy!

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 October 2016) 10 Answers - (Newest, 31 October 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I posted just over a week ago about bringing my wedding forward as I've not long found out I'm pregnant and didn't want to be a due date bride! But was having issues with my mother in law saying she couldn't get the time off work and generally making things difficult.

My new dilemma is this..

After changing the date of the ceremony, the reception, informing all the guests of the date change, etc etc, my fiancé has told me after speaking with his mother he feels that we're 'rushing into things' and should hold off having the wedding until 'next year if not the year after'. As you can imagine I'm livid. Rushing into things when we have been together 6 years, owned our house for 4 years and have a child on the way?! It seems his mother has got her own way as she made it clear, despite me having a great relationship with all his family and us being a very stable, happy couple, that she's not happy about us getting married.

I almost feel that this is a deal breaker on our relationship. I didn't want to get married right next to my due date, he was the one to suggest bringing it forward and now because she says so he's apparently not bothered about getting married at all.

I've said it either happens on the date we brought it forward to or it doesn't happen at all, ever. He's non committal and simply goes quiet when we try to talk about it.

View related questions: fiance, wedding

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (31 October 2016):

Aunty BimBim agony auntLots of good advise here, personally I believe you should think long and hard about marrying this person at all, and I agree (TOTALLY) with Honeypie, if you are not good enough to marry and have his name then YOUR child will carry your last name until if and when you are married to your child's father.

I also agree you need to write those notes to your guests, I doubt there is a "wedding cancellation" card, but a factual typed note should suffice in this instance

Dear Guest

I regret to inform you the marriage between Mildred and George, previously rescheduled to such and such a date has been postponed for an indefinite period of time while George and his mother decide if 2017 or 2018 suit them best.

I thank you all for your previous well wishes.

Mildred

Pop them in the post on your way to the lawyer.

Its going to be rocky for a while, but better you find out now what a weak willed ribbon of piss he is now, rather than later, and what a narrow escape you have had in the mother in law stakes.

Please, if you need to vent, or just want to send your concerns and worries into the ether write them down and post them here. We are fully supportive, even though we are not there in the flesh.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2016):

Honestly his mom didn't want this wedding to take place, so not getting leaves are all excuses. I just fail to understand men - I mean he didn't ask his mommys permission to date u or have house and baby with u, then y is he listening to her about getting married. And what kind of woman she is, trying to sabotage her own sons life. Lk seriously she's gone crazy. But honestly keep her aside and think, do you really want to get Married to a guy who's not sure if he should get married to you or not when u guys have been together 6 years plus baby on the way. He is getting influenced so easily that he first postponed and then cancelled the wedding. Ask yourself this, if your mom would have told you to cancel your wedding, would you have cancelled? I think not! If not anything, he should have thought about the unnecessary stress tht he's causing in your pregnancy. I think you should have second thoughts about your guy, not the other way around. I suggest u be calm till the baby arrives and take complete care of yourself. Then move on but don't marry this guy. You have whole life ahead of you n you will find someone who's good.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2016):

His mother doubts the child is her sons and has suggested he waits to do a DNA before marrying? I cannot understand why she is being so controlling. This is the only (albeit ridiculous) reason I can think. You need to get someone to be honest.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2016):

WHAT kind of man shames and humiliates a woman to this extent while she is carrying his child?? I would write a letter, from you personally, to all your guests. Explain the wedding is cancelled this year and how that decision was made for you. Stick to facts don be personal. Don't give your partner or his mother the chance to create a palatable version of events to keep up appearances.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 October 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI would not push for marriage either, but I would SERIOUSLY reconsider him as my life partner right now.

He has got you knocked up and he is NOW doubting to marry you because? His mom is unhappy that she didn't get to make all the choices about WHEN the wedding is happening.

WOW.

Personally, I'd totally cancel the wedding. 100%. You baby is not going to be a "bastard" or "born out of wedlock", it's 2016. I think it's actually MORE normal for kids to NOT have married parents than HAVE married parents.

I would also, focus 100% on the "bun in the oven" and NOT your partner OR his mother. AT ALL.

YOU do no need this kind of stress.

So send out the "Sorry folks, the wedding is OFF" cards to everyone and just focus on the important part, having a safe and healthy pregnancy.

And I would NOT give the child HIS last name either. If you want to hyphenate it... go for it, but if he can't give YOU his last name...

Would I move out or kick him out? Nah, not really. BUT I would spend the next few moths deciding if there IS a future here or not.

A guy (or girl) SHOULD know after 6 years if they want to marry their partner or not. And he should WANT to find a compromise that WORKS for him AND his partner - not his mom.... and None of this wishy-washy my mom thinks kind of crap...

Also... it might NOT be the mom pushing for not having a wedding - HE might just be using her as an excuse - just saying.

It will be OK momma. Focus on YOU and the baby.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2016):

You need to talk to him pretty quickly. Tell him what your plans are, that actually right now his mother's feelings are clearly more important than yours and that his relationship with her comes before the relationship with his partner and the mother of his own child and that actually you expected better and will be moving out if he can't stand up to his mother and put his wife and unborn child first. You don't need this stress whilst pregnant and his mother has been intrusive and your fiance has shown no backbone. I would be very upset and would make it clear what I expect and would ask him what he thinks of those expectations and then work from there.

There is no point getting married while in this mess but I would not bend to the will of his mother and only get married when it suits her. She said she would be free that date you set (I remember your first post) then she back tracked and said she could no longer get it off. Of course your fiance wants his mother at his wedding but his way of trying to suit her at the expense of everyone else was a bit ridiculous. If I were him, I would've contacted her boss and made a plea that they grant her the day off because you desperately want her at the wedding - a boss would have to be heartless not to let someone off if their own son is requesting it.

You just need to decide what you want to do and make it clear to him then actually follow through on what you say. So if you say you will leave then make sure you do, if anything that shows you stick to your decisions and might set an example to him.

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A female reader, like I see it United States + , writes (30 October 2016):

like I see it agony auntI'm sorry to hear you are dealing with this and even sorrier to say that it appears you are in the process of finally being shown where your boyfriend's loyalties truly lie.

If you have been together 6 years and are expecting a child, now is not the time for him to finally give an audience to whatever disapproval and animosity his mother has been carrying around towards you all these years. The fact that he's apparently choosing to do so says a lot about his character. I know you are wanting to get married, but what you're learning about him should make YOU want to push things back rather than forward. Because you may be getting a very telling glimpse right now of what life will be like for you if and when you two do tie the knot.

It's natural for a son to care about his mother and her feelings. It's not so natural for him to care about them at the expense of all else, including the happiness and stress level of his pregnant bride-to-be. I have a feeling that if you stay with this guy you can expect friction with his mother to be a constant in your relationship/marriage, and you can expect him to take her "side" when it arises. That's the character he's showing you right now.

If you have said your wedding happens on the date you rescheduled to or not at all and he's refused to move forward with plans for that date, you have your answer to that ultimatum. I think your only options are these: give in and live in marriage limbo until his mother decrees otherwise, or end the relationship. If you want a marriage between two people (not three), this guy isn't for you.

If this is the end of the road for you as a couple, I do not suggest moving out if your name is on the house also, as that may affect your legal claim to it. If you decide not to stay with this guy, you'll definitely want to speak to a lawyer to make sure you get what is rightfully yours during the split.

I wish you all the best moving forward.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (30 October 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntYou just need to be straight with him, tell him you get married on the date use made bringing it forward or else it is over. It is up to him then. It is ridiculous him putting his mother first. You are basically married as it is without the paper work. Put your foot down or tell him it is over. If he puts his head down pack and walk out. He needs to know he you mean business.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2016):

Why should she leave??? It is her house too. She should kick that boy out.....he can go live with his mommy. Better to find out now than later. He is not ready for a real committed relationship. He is still a little mama's boy. Be sure to take him to court for child support......your baby deserves that. Maybe someday you will meet a real man who puts you and not his mommy first.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (30 October 2016):

Anonymous 123 agony auntDon't get married in this way OP. I really feel sorry for you and the situation you've got yourself into courtesy your boyfriend but getting married under the current circumstances is not ideal for you. You need to focus on your health and on the baby. A pregnancy is not easy but any means and you have enough to worry about as it is without these added tensions.

How is your relationship with your parents? Can you move in with them? OP I don't want to sound like a you-know-what but this is exactly why you should get married first and then start a family. If you do things the other way around, there are bound to be problems. There's a reason why systems are in place.

Anyway, as I said, focus on the baby for now. Marrying on your due date is out of question because you can never be sure of when the due date is! Most babies are not born on their due date and you could go into labor either sooner or later. Plus it gets terribly uncomfortable specially in the last few days and it's hard enough to do anything without getting breathless and tired, least of all waking down the aisle!

If your boyfriend is disgusting enough to show you his true colors at a time when you need him the most and tell you that it's his way or the highway, then just tell him to walk. Don't get bullied into marrying him just because you're having a baby. You're clearly not as stable and happy a couple as you think your are because if you were, none of this would be happening. This man is a weak character who's getting manipulated by his mother and doesn't care about his pregnant girlfriend or his unborn child. Honestly, as of now, you'd be better off alone.

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