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I think I made a mistake moving away and buying a house with my b/f. I don't know what to do

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 October 2016) 3 Answers - (Newest, 31 October 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, *armel writes:

I am 42, and currently in a bad situation with my bf of 6 and 1/2 yrs. I moved 80 miles away from family friends etc to be with him. We bought a house last oct'. However things have got so bad already. He is very strict and sometimes ruthless with my 15 yr old son. It is like hes running a boot camp, never does anything with him. There is almost hatred in his voice when he talks to him. Since we moved in our house he has been away on lads weekends 11 times and 2 weeks in france.At christmas i found a disturbing message on his pc (he had left it open) where he was asking a so called friend for sex. She refused because of me. He is constantly arranging to meet other women when he goes away. He used to take me out now i feel like i am a dirty little secret. When we do go out (very rare) he only takes me places where we wont be sen by his friends or any females he knows. H e goes out every weekend whilst i am stuck at home not knowing anyone. I confronted him about 8 weeks ago asking why? He just tells me its none of my business. Now i gave up my house to be here moved away from my daughter and grandson etc. But now am stuck my son is doing his gcses at school and has been affected by my bf behaviour but cant get housing as i own half of this place and am in debt because of this place so cant get private rented. I have been ill for 8 weeks now off work sick with panic attacks etc sleeping on the couch as he has defecated and urinated in our bed as ge gets so drunk all weekend. He is becomong increasi gly aggressive i his behaviour and now im scared. I dont know what to do as i know i really did love him at one point.

View related questions: christmas, debt, drunk, moved in

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2016):

Call Womens Aid. They will help you practically and emotionally. Stop letting this animal ruin your life AND your son's future. YOU know it's abuse. Take that first step.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2016):

Oh my gosh I'm so sorry. My heart sinks when I see a post like yours. These effing abusive men have SO much to answer for. He thinks he is entitled to behave like this towards you as his attitude towards women goes something like 'now I've got her where I want her and managed to isolate her from her friends and family, I can behave as I wish and treat her however I want because she now has nowhere to go and therefore won't leave me'. By the way he would have left the computer open so that you could see the disturbing message on purpose. They like nothing better than disturbing us and ruining our self esteem and our happiness.

I'm fairly sure you are aware of what you're dealing with here i.e. an abusive man who is potentially dangerous. I would treat him as if he were an unexploded bomb. You really do not know what he will do next and how he will react when he realises you're leaving.

Please be careful and do this one step at a time. And also kiss goodbye to the man you fell in love with. He was not real. He was invented to make you leave your family and commit to him and then he could show you his true colours. He cares not one jot for you and obviously not for your son, he only wants you to stay because he wants YOU to look after his needs and no one else.

Go to citizens advice (without him knowing obviously) and ask to be put in touch with a women's refuge centre. If there is family you could go to, or who could help, that would be great, but abusive men can often be at their very worst when they realise you are leaving or you have gone because it makes them incredibly angry that you are calling the shots and not them.

Inform the police of your intent to leave and what his behaviour has been like. They have heard it all before unfortunately, but they may be able to give you some help or some pointers. They will also be primed and informed should your boyfriend become aggressive. Please don't under estimate what he might do. I don't want to scare you but this must be done carefully and with support. Your family if you should decide to go to them must be warned of the danger they could also be in.

If you are not aware of this type of man's behaviour and ability to destroy lives then please read and educate yourself about abusive men. I have had quite a bit of first hand experience of them and would like to direct you to a book that helped me enormously to understand what was happening. Again, on no account let your boyfriend see this book. He is not your friend. It is called 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. It also has advice on leaving. I am presuming that leaving him is what you want to do. If it isn't, then it will be soon.

Trust me and get out as soon as possible. Inform your son of your intentions and tell him to never let your boyfriend know what you are planning.

Once you are in a refuge, or with family, then you will have to set about finding a solicitor and working out how to sort the financial side of things.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please learn about abusive men's tactics and never put yourself in a position where you are reliant on a man in the future. If you have been attracted to one abusive man, you will probably be attracted to others. Not necessarily, but probably. Learn to recognise them as I have had to do, and give them a VERY wide berth. They are a nightmare in a very charming disguise.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 October 2016):

Honeypie agony auntI would contact citizen advice and find a way to get out of the house deal, whether it be SELLING the house, SELLING 1/2 the house to him or buying him out.

And find a solution fast.

Also when he is out of the house, TALK to your son. LET him know that you ARE working on finding a way to get out of there WITH him.

Did your BF and you not live together prior to buying a house? Did your BF not interact with your son in the time BEFORE you two moved in together?

The guy is a nasty fella and urinating and defecating in the bed? GROSSSSSS. That can be a sign of alcoholism or drug use.

YOU need to find a way to get the HAY out of there.

Also, maybe you need to consider asking your family and friends for help. YOU and YOUR SON need to get away from him.

And look for work perhaps near your family and friends?

The guy you "loved" were a facade, the guy whom you LIVE with is who he really is. And that? Sounds like a total douche canoe.

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