A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:hi everyone, could do with some advice please, how do you get over a man who you see for 8 years as friends with benefits? im totaly heartbroken and there isnt a day goes by i dont think of him. he got married 2 years ago and never told me and yet we still met up for sex. It was me constantly texting asking how he was ect never him , after he told me he was married i said the most awful thing i was going to tell is wife. i didnt even know were he lived, he threatened to have me beat up , that was in feb in march i said it was my birthday end of the day he text happy birthday x i said we friends he has ignored my txt since , im in such a mess please advise thanks
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female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (27 March 2012):
 Why in the world are you grieving over such a deceitful, selfish, inconsiderate, lying slob of a man?!
He deserves your scorn and contempt - not your feeling of being heartbroken! But so-called "friends" with "benefits" when you're a woman can expect nothing - certainly not friendship or loyalty and no benefits. He's in it for the sex, pure and simple.
I'm sorry you are so upset. He has treated you horribly. As others have said, call the police if he threatens you agsin. And please, realize that you deserve better - MUCH better!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 March 2012):
 What’s over and done is the past. He is the past. It’s over and done. He was and is a liar and a cheat. He lies to his wife. He cheats on his wife. He’s a lovely piece of work isn’t he?
Tell me why a piece of scum like this has left you heartbroken my dear….. think of the evil things about him not the past 8 years….
Do not beat yourself up (because that is what you are doing and I get that I’d be doing the same thing truly)… you clearly are a kind trusting soul….. you believe him, you trusted him… and he let you down and now you have no trust for anyone… I get that.
But read what Tisha wrote… user her links… and know that truly LIVING well is the best REVENGE.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 March 2012):
 You can't change the past. You can only choose to do the right thing at this moment, going forward. Start by doing a ritual expunging of him from your life, get rid of anything that was his or reminds you of him. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship (look up the stages of grief to help you understand what you are experiencing) and just feel the feelings you have. Allow them to wash over you and then wash off and away. Breathe.
If you find yourself dwelling on the past, ask yourself, 'does this serve me?' Everytime a thought of him pops in your head, ask yourself, 'does this serve me?' Basically, you are diverting your attention from him, to what is best for you.
Figure out what you need to add to your life that is missing. Take positive steps to acquire the skills, or habits or thoughts of positive people. I like this website, it has some practical ideas that can be a real help: http://www.actionforhappiness.org/
If you are thinking irrational, depressive or anxious thoughts, try this great website for practice on how to change your thought processes: http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome
If you find yourself thinking about him, have a ready-made distraction plan. Go to a website, such as the ones above, to derail that particular choo-choo train of thought. Or do a session of breathing work, you can go to yoga or meditation classes to learn about that.
Good luck.
Oh, and if he threatens you again, please alert the police. That's not funny or safe to ignore, okay?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 March 2012):
 Cut him out of your life and work on forgiving yourself, not your fault that you didn't know.
But be glad to have him out of your life, what a loser!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2012): You've wasted enough energy on this waste of space. Move on. Don't make contact with him in any way, shape or form. Remove everything related to him from your life. EVERYTHING!
Now, take a great big step back and ask yourself two questions:
1. "Did you, a mature woman, never once suspect this man was married?"
AND
2. "Why would I demean myself by being a 'friend with benefits'?"
You are worthy of more. Only silly teenagers do the FWB nonsense - it's not for grown-ups. Better to have no man than the wrong one. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 March 2012):
 It's unfortunate that you've had this experience... and you have my sympathies.... HOWEVER,....
if you look through these pages (Dear Cupid) you will see many submittals which are similar to, or the same as, your's.... "FWBs" almost always evolve such that ONE of the players "falls" more for the other player, than vice-versa..... AND, the one who falls more often is the woman....
Small consolation, I'm sure... BUT, you needn't stew and regret what's happened.... Instead, why not just take a deep breath, puff out your chest and say to yourself: "Well, he turned out to be a DOG... and I'll be more cognizant that this can happen in the future.... AND I'm going to go out there and re-start a darn good life for myself"....
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (27 March 2012):
 How sad...
It sounds like this man was more than a friends with benefits situation for you. Unfortunately that sometimes goes with the territory in these nebulous relationships.
Let's face it, when you sleep with someone you are bound to get emotionally attached -- especially after 8 years. Granted, he led you on and he does appear to be a sketchy character. Let's face it, he is a user, a cheater, and resorts to threats of violence when you call him on it.
I think you need to face facts that you let yourself down. In addition, I think you have to realize what sort of man you have grown feelings for. Sure he has been comforting for the past 8 years but it sounds like he was only using you for sex. Do you really want a man in your life that thinks that little of you?
It'll take some time before you begin to feel good about yourself again. In the meantime, I suggest letting bygones be bygones and let this dog remain in the past. I hope you work on figuring out what YOU do want from a relationship and work on finding someone who will want to commit and adore you.
Best wishes and be kind to yourself.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (27 March 2012):
 you need to give yourself a kick up the arse and stop taking crumbs from this slime ball He doesnot care he was seeing his wife before they got married he got engaged had a party had a wedding had a honeymoon set up home had sex Why do you want this man to give you attention
why do you think its all your worth You have to STOP NOW make today the day you start your new life WITHOUT him DO NOT text him DO NOT email him DELETE everything you have to do with him
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