A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I have posted on this website couple of times about concerns (I posted when he forgot about my birthday) I have about my fiance and coming back here to seek support and answers makes me realize how unhealthy my relationship is... but how will I ever admit that to myself?I will give you all a little background so you can better understand my situation. I came to the US five years ago as an international student and during my sophomore year, I traveled to California where I met my now-fiance and where I currently reside. I have been with my fiance for three years and are planning to get married soon, because we love each other of course but also because I won't be able to stay in the US after this summer as my work visa will come to an end. After I finished college last year, I moved to the California and my brother (who was then in my home country) move to California with me to attend college here as he had just graduated from high school.I have a successful career, I love my job, my brother is here because of me, I just purchased a car, my parents back home have high hopes for me and my fiance whom they appreciate a lot.However it all started before I even move here, while in an LDR my fiance and I broke up because I found out that he was seeing other people.We got back together 4 months later, we had ups and downs as all other couples and a lot of them involved "another" girl... he had girls message him and stalk him on facebook which he entertained at some point and he stopped eventually after we discussed it. To him it was "funny", he would just talk to them when he was bored but I explained to him that it is still unacceptable to entertain those kinds of conversation with anyone else which he understood and moved on.While he was helping me move to California, I saw these messages on facebook with an ex of his called Sarah... They were telling each other how much they miss each other, he also told her that he kept saying this model's pictures at the mall and it felt like she was following him because she looks a lot like that model... then a week later he asks me if he can meet this old female friend then I ask who is she, he gives me this very weird uncommon name which I figured later is Sarah's mother name... he didn't want to tell me her name because I would obviously know who she was so he tried to hide it by using her mother's name, which I found out and told him absolutely no.Time has passed and I moved on...Last night, after making love, I reach to his phone to check the pictures we took last week at this beautiful park then I stumble upon a screenshot of a weird conversation and then ask him who is this, he says oh well my friend sent me this. I was like this you, I know how you talk and how you text this is not your friend, this is definitely you.. then he comes clean and says yes it's me don't worry about it, it's an old friend, it was the first time I talked to her in a long time. However, the conversation didn't seem like a "first time" conversation. He was telling her about his plans, and asking where she is, she replied with I am with my friend and he even asked her which friend is she with...this tells me that they are very friendly. She also asked him if he misses her... He later admitted that it is that girl, Sarah and that I have nothing to worry about bla bla bla. He had her under "S" no name, and he had all their texts deleted.I have made it clear the first time we had an argument, that talking to exes, let alone flirting with them, is off-limits. He agreed and accepted because he knew what he did was unacceptable.At this point in our relationship, he disrespected me as a woman and as a fiance, he also lied to me on the spot pretending that his friend sent him that which revolts me.We decide to talk about this at breakfast before work at ihop, where we met at 7am. I started talking, explaining to him that what he did was unacceptable in all aspects and I was getting a little emotional (crying) and I asked him if he could show me the whole conversation on icloud just to calm me down as I just want to know what really happened between them which he refused (he claims its first time they ever texted and that she texted him first)... he told me that he didn't want to talk about it first thing in the morning and that I need to calm down otherwise he will leave ihop. I was like WHAT? You're threatening me to leave when YOU put me in this situation? I felt so abused emotionally, I grabbed my purse and left myself. He called me when I got to my car and asked me to come back.. I could literally see him still at the booth, he didn't move a finger, he didn't even come outside to talk, I would have gone back inside if he came outside and asked me politely but he didn't.I just left for work, where I currently am. I sent him couples of texts, telling him that I can't trust him and that we should go on a break and seek counseling for the best of our relationship. He said that he is sorry and that he would look into it...At this point, I can't trust him, I have a feeling that they have been talking for a while and possibly have met each other...I have done the impossible for my fiance, moved across an ocean and a continent to be with him, found a good job, got a car so I can drive to him and surprise him and do all these things together... I even named a star after him... that's how much I love him but I am starting to realize that he might not be the one for me and it hurts. What do you think about what's happening with this girl Sarah?I really want to have closure on this, and if he ever did anything he will most likely keep denying it, how do I make him tell me the truth? At this point I want him to show me as I can't trust his word, he lied to me on the spot about this. I need to see and judge for myself.Please help me... I am even considering asking that girl Sarah just to get closure. I have invested so much here that I just can't leave everything now that my brother is involved, and especially without closure. thank you in advance!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 February 2016):
 Look into getting an extended work-visa so you don't HAVE to marry this guy to stay in the USA.
He really doesn't CARE how it affects you and he ONLY agreed to the exes are off limits to placate you. And well, so far it has worked.
Why marry this guy? Yes, I get it you love him (most of the time) but does HE love and respect you? Your relationship?
Being "bored" is not an excuse to flirt and chat up other woman.
And as far as closure... you don't NEED him to give you that. Walking away from a relationship because HE an you aren't in agreement on boundaries IS your closure.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2016): Honey, you can't build a marriage without trust and communication, no matter how much you love him. Not being married when you discovered this behaviour is beneficial to you so you don't make that mistake. You have to end it with him, cold turkey. Once you've moved out, had your final "it's over" conversation, do not accept any texts or phone calls. It will be difficult to do and it will hurt, but the pain will be brief rather than deeper wounds over a longer period of time sand ending in divorce. I'm sorry it didn't work out between you, but you have to protect yourself. It will hurt a little less each day before you stop thinking of him at all. Before you know it, you can find yourself blissfully in love again with someone else whom you CAN trust and will openly communicate with you. You don't need him to help you stay in the U.S. either. It sounds like your legal status is more of a concern than breaking it off. I looked up a tidbit of advice for you here:"In many U.S. visa categories, you can renew or extend your status by submitting an application to USCIS. The form that’s usually used for this is called an I-539 (Google search the form). If renewals are allowed in your visa category, make sure to apply well ahead of time, so that you don’t fall out of status. You may also be able to change your status, for example from student to H-1B worker.If your authorized U.S. stay has ended and are simply wishing you could stay around longer and find a job, you’re probably out of luck. Before applying for a work permit, you would need some sort of underlying basis of eligibility, such as a job offer from a U.S. employer that is willing to help you get a temporary visa or green card, or immediate eligibility for a green card through a family member. Even if you are eligible for some sort of visa or green card, having stayed in the United States illegally could make it difficult for you to successfully complete the application process.Nevertheless, many exceptions exist within the world of immigration law. So if you believe that you are eligible for some sort of temporary visa or permanent green card, speak to an experienced immigration attorney."As for your last concern, getting closure could come from having a very difficult, adult conversation with your ex-fiance. Ask him to be honest and explain his actions, now that's is over and he's nothing ELSE to lose. It sounds like he's not really the type for honesty, however. When I was breaking up with my fiancée, I called his new girl. She didn't say much, but I got all the answers I needed. Messaging thru Facebook gives her the benefit of not having to answer you, but also gives some security for her to be blunt from behind a computer screen. That is another option you could try. Maybe a combination of both?Either way, that man is not marriage-quality and he's not going to commit to you. It's better to end it sooner than later. Lean on your friends, brother, pets, volunteerwork, ice cream...whatever you have to do to help you pass this challenging time in your life. You will be stronger, more beautiful and more passionate once you have healed.
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