A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Problems..... My fiancee (50) has just been served with a bill of $30,000 that he owed his ex on their divorce some 9 years ago. Due to ill health and circumstances he has not paid her and now she is peruing it.Their son of 15, visits in holidays and it is I who pays for these visits and as he lives 300km away it is extra costs. He has absolutely no money or assets.He works for a business he is trying to get up but it barely makes any money - just contributes money to the food bill.He works out of my home. I do love him heaps but how much is too much?? He is expecting me to pay his lawyers fees and to also fund a challenge and if all else fails pay her out. I told him he needs to get work that has consistent pay and it is not fair that I have to pay for this.I pay for everything now even his child maintenance. I feel like I am a generous person and I love him heaps but I think this is going too far.I work full time and then every other moment helping him with the business. My house is already mortgaged and I do not want to refinance it. What do you think? Should I tell him to get a job?
View related questions:
divorce, fiance, his ex, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (27 June 2012):
 A further $10,000 in debt since you first posted your question here, thats just under $1,000 a week .... is he really worth that much to you, do you get $1,000 worth of enjoyment, satisfaction, quality of life from this man that you are willing to effectively hand over $1,000 per week? He must have a golden tongue (and other) to convince you you were on a winner!
You are not the first woman to be so blinded by love you risk ending up a pauper while the man involved is free to wander off and find a new victim at his leisure.
The solution is in your hands, if you want him to leave dont pussy foot around, tell him his free loading days are over, and for heavens sake stick to your guns or he really will be the winner, and you the sad and sorry loser.
Chop! Chop! Its time for action!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for this advice but I have done nothing yet! I find myself another $10000 in red and I really have had enough now.I got an overdraft for the business as he convinced me has was a winner and just needs more time. I am a fool. Love is blind. I have lost all respect for him now. Feeling like a fool.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): Oh hunny, i would tell him to move out. This man is using you as his own personal bank roll.
His wife seen the light and got rid. You need to too. STOP PAYING HIS CHILD MAINTAINANCE. The operative word being HIS, which means this is his legal resposibility to pay. The man only loves himself. Any real man would be ashamed that he couldnt look after his child, or pay for their food and a roof over their head.
You are wearing rose tinted glasses here. You love this man so much you are placing him above your needs. Stop. This is unhealthy. The only time a woman should feel compelled to do this is for her child, not her partner. Hence partner means share. Share the same love, not onesided, share what you have made and created together, not take messes made before you met. He is like your surrogate child, not your friend and lover.
Dont settle for this man, and definately do not marry him, he will bleed you dry and move on to his next victim when the money is all gone.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 April 2012):
 Yes, this is too much. Free-rider much? This guy is mooching off of you, and by the sounds of it he was mooching off of his ex as well. You don't just accumulate debt like that over night. Do not marry him until he has gotten his finances straight ON HIS OWN. You shouldn't have to tell him to get a job, that's what you do to your 18 year old son. A 50 year old man should by all means be adult enough to understand the consequences of his actions and get his bum off the couch and get a job on his own without no body having to remind him. Good grief. Don't marry him. I repeat: do not marry him. Stay engaged for now, and if he isn't getting up on his feet then you should really break it off, or else his money issues will become YOUR money issues. And you can't afford that. May I ask, since you are the only one earning money here... do you give him an allowance? Or does he get free access to your wallet? It might be time to cut him off the freebies and snap him back to the real world. You've been baby-ing him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (12 April 2012):
 LOL I agree Cindy! A POOL boy would be a lot cheaper, and that is including building the pool!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 April 2012):
 30.000 USD ? On top of basically supporting him and paying his child support ?
Holy cripes ! If you really have to pay for a man, with this kind of money, you could close a deal with some 25 y.o. boytoy surfer !!
Don't tell me you are going to waste it on some 50 y.o. d loafer of a deadbeat dad!
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 April 2012):
 OH dear...
stop paying his way
it is NOT your responsibility to pay his child support and you should not pay his bills.
He can live with you if you want but you cannot and should not cover his expenses or bills...
I get helping the ones we love... my partner paid off all my debt when we became serious. I did NOT want him too but he insisted... he wanted us to have a fresh start but it really muddies the waters..
You need to tell this man to get a job that pays his expenses and be done with it.
He will probably be very angry and try to say you are not a good partner but honey if he's expecting or ASKING you to pay his bills he's a user even if he does love you.
ADULTS do the right responsible thing. He is not behaving as an adult here.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 April 2012):
I will agree with Auntie BimBim again.
NO, he should pay for all his PAST DEBTS on his own. If his own little self made company isn't bringing in the money he needs, maybe getting second job is what he needs to do.
The guy is 50! for crying out loud and you are NOT his momma.
Oh, and don't marry him til his has his debt sorted out.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): Hi. I remember a similar post to this some time ago. You are tolerating things most women would have a real problem with. Why do you feel you have to do that or pay for all these things? What do you find so lovable about a man who is basically using you? You are enabling him to behave badly. If you can figure out why you are doing so, then you will find it a lot easier to start saying no to him sometimes. If you keep allowing him to behave as he does, there isnt really any advice that will help. It is up to you to assert yourself if you want him to change. If you arent prepared to do that, then he will just keep using you until you are horribly in debt or worse. Have you considered how you will cope if the court case fails and you end up with court costs plus his debt to pay off? What if you suffer ill health or lose your job? How then, will you cope with paying off his debt, a mortgage, financing his childs visits and keeping this man? I think you need to start thinking about yourself. I would be very worried about where this guy is leading you.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (12 April 2012):
 Yep...what Aunty Bim Bim said.
Love is a thin veil that blinds us to someone who's ripping us off. You should not be paying for anything that relates to his past...that is his shit to shovel...not yours!!
He should also be paying half the living expenses (you can probably cut him a little slck over the rent(as its your house) but that is being more than generous.
Time to get the cards out on the table and say NO to you paying for everything because if you arn't careful, he's going to drain you dry and then move on to someone else.
If he loves you and wants to be with you, he will man-up and accept that what he is asking of you is WRONG.
How much is too much?...basically everything you are doing now...so stop it in it's tracks.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (12 April 2012):
Yes, you should tell him to get a job. This debt is not your debt, what makes him think you should pay for this on TOP OF PAYING FOR CHILD MAINTENANCE!! WHAT?
Tell him to go for a reassessment! Tell him to shape up or ship out!
You are being taken for a ride, what sort of business, AMWAY?
Dont pay for his lawyer.
Dont pay the legal fees.
Dont pay out his ex wife.
Dont pay for his child to visit.
Dont pay his child support!
And dont pay for his clothes, his petrol, his haircuts, his takeaways, his shampoo and toothpaste. Just stop paying.
Tell him to get off his a**e and start acting like a man who takes care of his own bills, his own ex wife and his own bloody child!
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (12 April 2012):
 DO NOT refinance your home or put it at risk for anyone
His ex wife is not your problem thats HIS debt HIS ex HIS son.
He needs to get a job to pay his way and pay his ex $30000 he says he owes and has owed for 9 years.
He still has no assets and no income so be very careful with your money and your home . Alarm Bells ringing here.
...............................
|
