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Failed past relation. Then online friend. How can I regain my health and get over my ex?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Friends, Health, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 July 2015) 5 Answers - (Newest, 1 August 2015)
A female Lebanon age 26-29, *adyInLove2 writes:

i'm 23 years old female,

felt in love for 4 years with a cheating guy. many cupids here helped into knowing that i was in a kind of abusive relationship, and it took me a lot of courage to actually let go of my boyfriend.

i had a male friend who told me he loved right after he knew i was single again.

he gave me care and gentle love, he is in another country, so our relationship is based on chats and video calls mostly.

before sharing a love relationship with him, we were great friends having fun and he never had any negative comment on any of my activities. now he just have many comments, trying to change many of my personality.

that is not the problem i am facing!

i am missing my ex boyfriend, not him exactly, but the whole family love, his sister and mother and father, our common friends, even the way i was happy and excited to wake up everyday.

now i have lost that.

in the last 4 days i have been having troubles in sleeping, i cry every night, have trouble concentrating on my studies.

my male friend was like an analgesic after i left my boyfriend, but i think the effect is going away.

mostly i think about my lack of virginity, my ex ability to use that against me, and mostly why haven't he used it yet.

knowing that he knows about my male friend telling me he loves me, because my ex boy friend had my face book password.

i thought the way my male friend is treating me now a days is the reason behind my sobbing, so i told him everything i am feeling and thinking about and everything that is bothering me about our relation, his answer just made me angrier so i asked for a break from him, and deactivated my social media accounts to avoid any contact between us.

i did not get better after that either.

in conclusion, i need to know how to deal with my crying episodes, and how to put myself into concentrating on my studies.

View related questions: a break, my ex

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A female reader, ladyInLove2 Lebanon +, writes (1 August 2015):

ladyInLove2 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

ladyInLove2 agony auntwhen i saw 4 answers on my question, i just felt all the support i have been missing is here all ready.

to start off: thank you all for your time.

rebecca we have been away for 6 month now.

janniepeg my male friend is so impatient on many levels, i was surprised that you discovered that from what i said alone.

note: i did blood tests, and i was given magnesium supplements, i don't know if that's the medication you were talking about and i doubt it.

honeypie i never gave it to him, so when we split i did not think i had to change it, but i used to open my account from his personal computer and i think that is how he had access to my account, as soon as i realized he had access i changed the password.

wiseowl you slapped me hard with the truth, i know i should not depend on men, but it was the virginity thing that made me hold on my male friend, being in my area, i am not allowed to lose virginity to someone other than my husband, and knowing that my male friend is okay with taking such a girl, i allowed him to be in my life (knowing that he does not know i have lost it).

i know i used him, but at the moment i had no other choice, because i was so afraid my ex would use that against me, but he did not.

i tried to work on myself, went to the gym, became president of a nutrition club (my university major) and i was fine until the last three days.

and most importantly, your right, i totally forgot the bad stuff he did to me , the cheating, the yelling, the bleeding sex... until you mentioned them in your answer, my mind was blocking them.

i have recently told a female friend about all my story (including the virginity part) and she have been giving me all the support i ever needed.

i will take your advises into consideration, and the day i stop crying i will tell you.

just know your answers showed me that it was okay to be leave a perfectly good man (as some of my friends describe my male friend) and that it is okay to go through hell after a break up, i do not just have to be strong, and get over him like that.

thank you again.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 July 2015):

You have unresolved issues and trauma from your old relationship. You've gotten involved with someone else on the rebound; and that usually slows down the healing process. You have to detach, go through the withdrawal; then your mind has to accept the loss. Then you have to heal from the grief that attacks, subsides, and comes back without warning. How do I know? Because I've been there and I've done that!

You used the other guy. It might sound bad to say, but you played the other guy; using him to prop yourself up until you figured out a way to reconnect with that bastard you call an "ex." Now you're playing a victim, and that is weakening you all the more. You've got to cut it out! You have to disconnect yourself from men altogether, and give yourself the time and space to heal. You also have to stop acting like a "prissy little girl." You're a full-grown woman, no longer a whiny moody adolescent. The tears are not only from real pain; but also dramatizing over the loss of that assh*le of an ex-boyfriend you had. Stop it! Just cut it out! You've got to be strong, sister!

Now I'm going to drop another bomb on you. Stop being a drama-queen! Everyone goes through hell after a breakup.

It hurts. In order to heal, you have to fight the depression and the tears. Stop giving your ex power over your emotions. You don't miss your ex, you miss the good time you had from the beginning with him; and that's all your mind holds on to. You forget how he trashed you and hurt you. Only remembering when he was sweet. Remember what it took to get away, and you'll stop missing him as much. You keep trying to stay in a relationship, and not working on YOURSELF!

You need professional help with the stress and residual post-traumatic stress from the abusive-relationship. You keep your emotions raw and exposed by trying to stay in relationships; when you haven't reached a reasonable level of maturity that you should have developed by now. Instead, you get romantically involved. That takes a lot out of you, and doesn't leave you enough healing energy. I understand how loneliness feels; but it's also good for you. It reminds you of your individuality; and you become less emotionally-dependent on men for your survival. You haven't healed enough to deal with men and relationships; you need to be alone and make female-friends. You've been robbed of your strength and beaten down. Girlfriend, a man is the last thing you need in the state you're in. I don't care if he is living in another country. That's still too close for you right now! You have to stretch your feelings all that distance. You don't have the energy for that. LDR's are stressful as hell on their own merit!

Using social media to conduct a romantic-connection?!!


Sit down and write out a list of things you'd like to do that you enjoy more than anything. Call a female friend, a group of girlfriends, or a female cousin you're close to.

Bond with other females, and feed off their advice, girl power, and positive-energy. What you need right now comes from the power of women, and some counseling.

You will never get it from a man! You're no longer a child, and should stop seeking refuge in relationships to feel safe. Face the world and what it throws at you. You have to face it alone to grow strength and develop your emotional armor. You must hone your survival-skills, and stop letting yourself fall apart. Even if it's exhausting to get out of bed. Do it anyway. If you don't, he's the winner! He robbed you of your humanity and power as a female. You're not his victim anymore. You're a good person, who needs to take care of herself.

You depend too much on men; because you believe they'll protect you. Well, they won't. Men can be weak too! Don't be fooled by "masculinity." It doesn't always mean there's strength behind it. Weakness of character makes physical stretch a weapon. As you learned from your abusive relationship.

You have to protect yourself. Start by staying single! Be selfish, and spoil yourself. It's okay to cry and let the poison out. Just eat well, rest, and call your mother! Gather your friends (male and female) to give you affection and reassurance.

Sweetheart, you must stand-up and be a woman all by yourself. You're not a real woman until you can, my dear.

All that comes from within, and nobody can take that from you.

Love will find you again, but you have to be strong enough to deal with it; and have something powerful to give a good man in return for it.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 July 2015):

Honeypie agony auntFirst off... CHANGE your Facebook password, you ex have NO business snooping into your private life.

OR DELETE your current FB and make a new FB page.

Give yourself time to grieve, you DID lose a family in a sort, I'm sure they were the best part of the relationship, not the ex.

But don't let yourself wallow in this sorrow. Spend time with people you care for and who care for you. Friends and family.

You male friend isn't really being fair, so I DO think a break from him is the best for you right now. FOCUS on those closest to you and school. So what if you cry here and there? It's normal. As long as it doesn't go on and on and on.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (29 July 2015):

janniepeg agony auntI think you are still suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. It takes time to heal, but take your time. Tears are the river of joy and sorrow. Let it all out and don't feel shameful about your crying. If you need medication to help regulate your emotions you can talk to a professional. Your male friend likes you more than you like him, and is not aware of how serious your condition is. He is impatient for you to get well but does not help the tools to cope with your pain. He should let you be without trying to speed up the pace or to change you. He should know that after an abusive ex you need time to heal. To date you right after is too opportunistic and selfish of him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2015):

Hi. How long has it been since you split from your ex?x

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